I'm struggling... I'm pretty sure that I know what I should do, but I don't want to ruin the good times!
I know that I need to continue to be honest from here on out... but I'm finding that I don't want to tell H when I am having difficulty with letting go of OM. It seems like it would just cause him more pain to hear about it... but he says that he wants to know... and I know that I can't go back to hiding things. It's just that at the strangest times, all of a sudden a wave of sadness washes over me at the thought of never talking to OM again... and I don't want to ruin the good times between H and I with telling him things like that. He says that he wants to be here for me... but I desperately don't want to cause him anymore pain! *sigh* I guess I just need some confirmation that I should tell my H exactly what I'm feeling?

Tell him. You need to be honest with him and let him help you. I hope you read my post to you on your longer thread yesterday. You are going to walk a fine line, but you need to walk it, not hide.

He is asking for you to be honest, and yes it will hurt him deeply, but not as deeply as some of the things he has just found out.

Tell him, but tell him with kindness in your heart for your H.

God Bless,

JL

Hello,

Absolutely tell him. You are now committed to truth and honesty in your marriage. You need to be a team to discuss your addiction to the OM. Your husband wants to know your feelings. If you start hiding your feelings to him now then you are beginning to fall back into your old behavior. Your husband has forgiven you and loves you. He wants you to be honest with your feelings so you both can deal with it and make it better in your marriage. Hiding your feelings from your husband about the OM is being disrespectful to your husband and is damaging to your marriage. Would you want your husband to hide his feelings from you? You have done great so please do not stop now. You are team and you need to share. Do the right thing. I wish you luck.

I would recommend telling your husband about your feelings. Don't sell your H short on how much he can handle he may just suprise you. One of the hardest things for me being a Bh was finding out my WW was feeling so alone and isolated during the affair, looking back that hurts me more than anything, tell your husband but you must assure him that these are emotions you want to work through with him and that you want to tell him because you do not want to hide anything from him. Complete honesty is needed more than ever, if at any point during the process I felt my ww was not being honest with me or holding something back I automatically think the worst, as will your H. So let your feelings be known remember this is a difficult process(as we all find out)

Good luck and God bless!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Tell him. You need to be honest with him and let him help you. I hope you read my post to you on your longer thread yesterday. You are going to walk a fine line, but you need to walk it, not hide.

He is asking for you to be honest, and yes it will hurt him deeply, but not as deeply as some of the things he has just found out.

Tell him, but tell him with kindness in your heart for your H.

God Bless,

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, JL-
yes, I did read your response on my last thread... but I am going to go back and read it again... I remember that it was very wise and encouraging.
You are right that my feelings now can't be any worse than what he just found out. I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess I just needed to hear again that I need to be TOTALLY honest... it's so easy to fall back... I hate to say it, but I've hid things for so long... it just comes natural now. That makes me so sad.
Thank you for the encouragement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
HSM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong> Hello,

Absolutely tell him. You are now committed to truth and honesty in your marriage. You need to be a team to discuss your addiction to the OM. Your husband wants to know your feelings. If you start hiding your feelings to him now then you are beginning to fall back into your old behavior. Your husband has forgiven you and loves you. He wants you to be honest with your feelings so you both can deal with it and make it better in your marriage. Hiding your feelings from your husband about the OM is being disrespectful to your husband and is damaging to your marriage. Would you want your husband to hide his feelings from you? You have done great so please do not stop now. You are team and you need to share. Do the right thing. I wish you luck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks, Bryan... you're right.
I knew that. I needed to hear it again, though. I AM committed to truth and honesty... it's gonna take some real effort to change those old habits, I guess.
I'm so grateful for your support, and the support of everyone here. I have had to cut off communication with most of my friends - especially online, and the encouragement and advice here are such a great help.
SMH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by logsec1:
<strong> I would recommend telling your husband about your feelings. Don't sell your H short on how much he can handle he may just suprise you. One of the hardest things for me being a Bh was finding out my WW was feeling so alone and isolated during the affair, looking back that hurts me more than anything, tell your husband but you must assure him that these are emotions you want to work through with him and that you want to tell him because you do not want to hide anything from him. Complete honesty is needed more than ever, if at any point during the process I felt my ww was not being honest with me or holding something back I automatically think the worst, as will your H. So let your feelings be known remember this is a difficult process(as we all find out)

Good luck and God bless! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your words really hit home... he has already surprised me with how much he can handle... who am I to judge whether he can handle this, too? If he says he wants to know - I'll have to take his word on that. I also know that he would wonder immediately if he thought I might be lying or hiding something. I don't want that.
I'm so glad that I asked for input... I feel like I can definitely tell him the truth now. Thank you for sharing your experience! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
SMH

SMH,

You said something that you need to reflect on </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have had to cut off communication with most of my friends - especially online, and the encouragement and advice here are such a great help. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What you need to realize is that your H is your best friend. He is the one that should be hearing your thoughts, your fears, your needs. He should be the one that feels your friendship, your support, and your love. Any friends you have should be his as well. You see the one person still standing after all of this mess is your H.

You need to realize he IS your friend and he is the person you should be talking to.

Something to think about.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> SMH,

You said something that you need to reflect on </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have had to cut off communication with most of my friends - especially online, and the encouragement and advice here are such a great help. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What you need to realize is that your H is your best friend. He is the one that should be hearing your thoughts, your fears, your needs. He should be the one that feels your friendship, your support, and your love. Any friends you have should be his as well. You see the one person still standing after all of this mess is your H.

You need to realize he IS your friend and he is the person you should be talking to.

Something to think about.

God Bless,

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, JL, I see what you're saying... and that is one of the things that my H and I are working on. I have told him for years that I would like him to be my friend... but that gets into what he and I have discussed about my EN. The good thing is that now we are finally able to work on that. He's learning to be quite a good friend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Unfortunately, when he is at work I can't just talk to him at any time. He is making himself as available as possible... but he does need to work. I am used to being online, chatting quite a lot. I am grateful that I can come here and post my thoughts and read wise, caring words when I can't get ahold of my new friend (my H). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thank you for pointing that out!
SMH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by so much hurt:
<strong>I guess I just need some confirmation that I should tell my H exactly what I'm feeling? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmm - I do think you need to use a great deal of sensitivity in how you tell him.

What I wanted to hear from my FWH: I'm having a down moment - can you give me a hug (or tell me you love me)

What I did NOT have wanted to hear: I can't believe I am never going to talk to her again - it makes me so sad

What I wanted to hear: I want to replace every memory I have of her with wonderful new memories of you

What I did NOT want to hear: I can't stop thinking about her.

In both cases, I got the message, but the delivery was not as brutal as it could have been.

Well, I told my H what I was feeling... we sat down and talked... and I told him about certain times of day when I used to talk to OM and how I feel like I should talk to him when those times roll around... and how sometimes little things remind me of him, and I get sad. I told my H how I wonder what OM is doing... if his wife has decided to stay or to leave. It hurt him so bad!! He said that he wanted to know... but the pain and the tears that it caused... I don't know if I can do that again. Should I be more vague?
I hate this!! Withdrawal really stinks.

SMH,

Yes, you told your H the truth, but did you tell him... that you loved him (H), that you wanted the marriage to work, and that you are working your way through this??

You see what you are missing is the "habit" of the calls. This is like taking a coffee break at the same time every day and then stopping drinking coffee. You may miss the coffee, but the break and the habit of the break are actually much stronger.

You miss the excitement of the affair more than the affair. That is often the case anyway. The trick is to substitute one habit with another. I would recommend your H become that habit, talk with him about this. The two of you sit down and figure out a way, that when you want to fulfill that habit, you and H do it. Be creative.

Withdrawal is very tough. It is tough on you, and tougher on your spouse. But, you must work together, so he needs to hear about your feelings. BUT, try to tell him of your good feelings as well, tell him of your conflicted feelings. Then do something really radical... ASK YOUR H ABOUT WHAT HE IS FEELING. Then talk about it; calmly, caringly, and with kindness but no strong emotions.

Why? You will help him open up to YOU. You can use this time together when talking about such hard things to become more open, more in tune with one another. Teach him SMH by example how to open up.

Make something good out of the pain that you and he are going through. YOu don't really realize this but you two are on the same side.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SMH,

Yes, you told your H the truth, but did you tell him... that you loved him (H), that you wanted the marriage to work, and that you are working your way through this?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, I told him that I love him... but it was so difficult to watch his pain that I couldn't hardly look in his eyes... so I'm not sure that I was very convincing, to be honest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You see what you are missing is the "habit" of the calls. You miss the excitement of the affair more than the affair. The trick is to substitute one habit with another. I would recommend your H become that habit, talk with him about this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*Nods* yes, you're right... I miss the excitement, and I miss those habits that I've gotten used to. We have already started substituting my calls to OM with calls or IM's to H. He (H) used to think that IM's were silly... but now he's installed messenger on his computer at work so that we can chat a bit from time to time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Withdrawal is very tough. It is tough on you, and tougher on your spouse. do something really radical... ASK YOUR H ABOUT WHAT HE IS FEELING. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good idea... I'm not sure that I've done that... I mean, I do ask him a lot how he is feeling or what he's thinking... but I'm not sure I've asked right after telling him something painful. I guess I figured I already knew... but I should ask him anyway... let him voice it.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Make something good out of the pain that you and he are going through. YOu don't really realize this but you two are on the same side.

Please think about this.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you... you're right... we ARE supposed to be on the same side. I need to remember that.

SMH

SMH,

You ARE on the same side. He wouldn't be there with you right now and in tears when you tell him things if he was not on your side.

You need to step back just a second and consider that he has images in his mind of OM as well, but they are of OM and you together. It will take him much longer to lose those images than it will for your thoughts of OM to recede.

Ask him about them, talk to him about them. As you move along offer to create NEW memories with him.

SMH, you also need to realize that what you felt for your H and he for you before all of this may be a product of YOU not talking to him. I know you talked to him, and you may have expressed your needs, but did you ask him about his? Do you probe him to see if he has problems, if he feels alone, or lost sometimes? I would be he does right now.

What you may not realize about what you are doing is you are beginning to set a whole new standard for communications, but it take empathy and strength. He sat and listened to you voice your feelings for OM, he did not leave. He knows you need to talk about this with someone and that someone is him, so he will listen. He will do his best, but he will need your help.

If you begin to ask him questions as you talk to him, you will find out what he understands and what he doesn't. You will begin to understand his feelings, if you will listen to him, you will find that he will open up and talk more. What he will have a hard time with is criticism from you while he is so vulnerable.

SMH, if you would simply reach out and hold his hand while talking to him about these things you will see a change. IF he gives you the "I don't know" answer, just look at him, don't ask a followup question or say anything. Just be silent for maybe 10 minutes. He will probe deeper when he knows you will wait for him. He is very likely like the rest of us guys, we don't spend much time speaking about feelings so we don't have the ready made speech patterns to describe what we feel. The "I don't know" is often we don't know how to say something, not so much that we don't know what we feel.

So hang in there talk with him some more. Keep IM'ing him and let him HELP you and you help him.

YOU ARE A TEAM AND YOU ARE ONE THE SAME SIDE.

You both want a good and rewarding marriage, go for it.

God Bless,

JL

JL-

*nods* what can I say? You are so right. Thank you... I need to keep hearing those things.

SMH

SMH,

I was just rereading something and I noticed your H's age. As someone who is a fair amount older than he is, let me offer you something to consider. Your H is in or entering an age where he is changing, emotions closer to the surface, doubts about himself, aging, the whole ball of wax.

Your affair would hurt him terribly at anytime, but NOW it will go to his very core and image of himself. I suspect if you want to help him, you need to understand that what he is dealing with. Every one feels vulnerable (or at least all of the BS's posts I have read here), but with age comes even more vulnerability( performance, mortality, general sense of age creeping in, etc).

You are at an age where the MLC often shows up, and perhaps that explains your hunt for more excitement, but your H will really need your help. So when you talk to him about what you feel, or just about the two of you, start to ask questions: not general ones, but specific. Take your own feelings and turn them around and ask him if he feels this or that? Does he fear he cannot keep you happy? If he says yes, then talk about what would make you happy, what would make him happy, discuss ways to accomplish both.

You see SMH, you must learn to see your H as a human being who needs your help and wants to be happy as well. YOu must communicate to him your concerns about him, your fears about the marriage, your concerns about yourself, and then discuss ways to consider these things and act on them.

You need to take this deeper than just the A and OM. OM is a nuisance thought, that your H will have more trouble with than you in the long run.

Interestingly, you have an OPPORTUNITY to move your marriage to a higher more intense plane via this A. Use it!

God Bless,

JL