My 10th wedding anniversay was Nov 12, 2003 I found out my husband was having an affair 11/19/03. I was devastated, but told him I would forgive. He broke it off with her and stayed with me and I made an appointment with a marriage couselor. I went the first time alone. I can 11/22/03 quite hopeful, but he decided to leave and go be with the OW (23 years old and married with 1 child). I was so deeply hurt for me and our 6 year old daughter who is love daddy with all her heart. I left for the Thanksgiving Holiday to visit family. A friend from our church went to talk to him the Friday after Thanksgiving and H called to say he wanted work it out he knew he was wrong. So we got back together went to MC. I thought he was trying some, but I know since he and the OW work together on 3rd shift he would be forever getting past that relationship. He started shutting me out just after the first of the year. I got angry at him Thursday 1/8/04 and told him how much I was hurting and I need him to try harder. I was upset all day at work and I kept praying God would change him, but I felt like God told me to let him go, I could let him go on Thursday, or Friday - I cried all day at work. He and my daughter brought me lunch and I asked him to hug he was reluctant, but he did he said it was hard. Friday was a very quiet night. Saturday morning I ask him if we were going to make it and he said he could live like this - I asked him if he wanted a divorce-he said yes. I asked him if we could seperated and work on our Marriage would he be faithful and he couldn't promise me that. So I called the OW's house to tell her husband and she tell me her and husband are seperating - don't if true did get to speak with the husband. So it made sense why he was leaving. Anyway I am so hurt, angry and I still love him with all my heart and want him to come home, but don't think he will. He said he hasn't loved me in a long time and that he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. I know he thinks or he is love with this younger woman. My daughter is devestated. I went to see Pastor on Monday and my MC on Monday, my daughter goes to see the Pastor today. How do I get through the pain. I went to see an attorney to talk about divorce. This is has been the worst four days I have ever experienced some one please tell me I will get better, and will get over this.

Oh yeah he also admitted to having a two night thing with another lady earlier in the year.

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: SusanE ]</small>

Not too much time to post, but read here. Your marriage can be saved. This is a common thing to happen and he is responding as expected. He is in the fog phase, read here. Get Dr Harleys book on surviving an affair. It was a Godsend that saved my marriage. Start Plan A. I am sorry for your pain. It is going to be alright. He is being very typical. Read His needs her needs too. Sorry, got to go...

Read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000553

The short answer: start Plan A. The long answer (and for what Plan A IS, anyway): </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank You for replying. I am so hurt myself - he blaming me for everything I wasn't affectionate enough, I wasn't sexual enough. He said he didn't love me and wasn't physically attracted to me - I am devastated still. He seem so anxious to get a divorce and I don't want one at all.

I have turned the situation completely over to God, but still it hurts. He loves his daughter and he is a wonderful father. He was here last night and we balanced our check book paid the bills and I gave him some money. I know in my heart is with the other woman and they are talking marriage and it breaks my heart. I am trying not to pressure him, but last night he ask that I never move our daughter away from him. I told him I moved here for our relationship and all my family is far away and that he was asking too much that without him I have no reason to stay, but that I also wasn't considering leaving the area right now. I also told him the door was open to come back home and work on our marriage - that it could be a great marriage if we both put forth the effort, but he really thinks or is in love with the OW. She is young and I guess makes him feel young.

I also saw that couples who seperate only have a 10% chance of getting back together. He won't agree to go conseling again, but I am continuing without hime. I conseling with my pastor and a MC. I just so hurt that it's just so hard to think. I ordered Surviving an Affair and I can hardly wait for it to arrive so that I can start reading. I have been reading things on this site since he came back before.

Susan, it is time for you. Take charge of your life. He was wrong, an affair is never the answer. Reading here you will see these are just excuses he is using to defend something that is wrong. Here is a good stat for you, only about 2-3% of relationships started in an affair survive. It is based on lies and will never fly because she is so young. Don't bother telling him anything, he will be deaf to you for a while. Take control, visit an attorney, start planning for your life. These WSs hate the loss of control. How nice for him to have two women fighting for him. Read Plan A. This is really about you. Take steps to protect your daughter and finances. Start moving ahead, this really scares them. Also, the affair should ber exposed to the light of day. Does his family and work know? This can be tricky as you do not want to LB, but the affair should be exposed. Reality needs to crash in around him. An affair is a fantasy escape. Keep reading here.

Yes, his family and mine no about the affair so does our church, and so does his work. I like the stats that only 2%-3% work out just scares me that he will be in the 2-3%. I guess I am just more than a little lost.

Dear SusanE,

In my heart and mind, I'm holding you right now and giving you the biggest, longest hug! Can you feel it? I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You must be in shock.

Don't let him blame this on you. When he says things like that, tell him that you understand that you weren't the perfect wife. You understand that you could have always done things better and that made for some difficulty in the marriage. It's good for you to take responsibility for your part of the marriage...good and bad. It didn't force him to go outside of the marriage. For him to say that is like him saying that he needed a new watch and you didn't think to buy him one so he had to steal one! Not true! What he needed to do was work on the marriage. He needed to put all of his energies into trying to save the marriage and if it could not be saved, then all of his energies needed to go into getting a divorce and supporting his daughter. When all of that was said and done, THEN he would have been free to pursue another person, but not ONE MINUTE before that. His behavior is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is also not about you. It's about him battling with his own demons.

I would tell her H as quickly as possible. That may be the only chance you have at ending their relationship. Find a way to speak to him directly. She might have very well been lying about them separating. There is no reason to believe a woman who lies to her own H. When she realizes that she really is going to lose her H, then maybe she'll come to her senses.

I'm so sorry for your despair!

Hugs,

Stillwed

Susan: Since you haven't talked to him, tell the OW's H, and verify that he knows and that they are divorcing. Let him know that you are trying to save your marriage, and tell him about this site. Also, talk to the OW again, as suggested in the quote below. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A word about confronting the OP, when a WS is unwilling to end an affair on their own, because this question comes up a lot: Yes, confront the OP, and also inform the OP’s spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend of what you know, if they have one. If the OP’s spouse/friend is likely to be violent, you may want to hold off on that exposure, but that is the only exception I know of, other than a message from God.

The confrontation of the OP is fairly important, and should be worded carefully. Given the emotional state you are probably in right after you learn of an affair, that usually means doing it by letter or email, or maybe a phone call. I do not recommend direct confrontations because of the strong temptation you may have to become physically violent.

Whatever method you use to communicate, say something like: “I love [spouse], and am trying to fix what is wrong with our marriage. I believe your relationship with [spouse] is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage, and I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with [spouse].” If you are CERTAIN it is a physical affair, you can use the word “affair”, instead of “relationship”. If you have children, you may also say that the OP is contributing to the destruction of a family.

They may laugh at you, but it is important to send that message, respectfully, for several reasons:

1. Because the OP may not know the WS is married. If that is the case, confronting the OP sometimes leads immediately to the end of the affair.
2. Because WS’s usually (almost always?) depict their spouse in a negative way to the OP. They say things like: “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me”, “My spouse is unconcerned about me and/or our marriage” or “We have an open relationship”, or something worse – you are crazy, controlling, cruel, etc. So, you need to confront the OP in a way that shows you at your best – not crazy, not unconcerned, not controlling, not angry, but rather calm, kind, purposeful, determined and concerned for your spouse and your relationship with them. When you do that, it introduces conflict into their relationship, because there is a conflict between what the OP experiences, and what they have been told.
3. Many WS’s and OP’s minimize the seriousness of their affairs with rationalizations like: “It’s only physical”, or, in the case of an Emotional Affair, “It’s just a close friendship” and “It’s not physical.” The language I have suggested avoids giving them a point to argue, and simply says it is hurting you.
4. In most cases, affairs grow in secret, and they die when exposed.


Remember that affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? Frequently, they get angry. It is fairly common for a WS to get EXTREMELY angry when you expose their affair and confront the OP, and accuse you of trying to destroy them and your marriage and of being a horrible human being, so be prepared for an angry response. It is not a lovebuster, it is fighting for your marriage. You are doing nothing horrible. They are. You are fighting to save your marriage. They are destroying it. You are telling the truth. They are being deceitful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lastly, despite WS's tendency to re-write their marital history (ie: lie to themselves) in order to justify their affair, from his criticism of you, I am guessing that his love language is "touch", and your is not. Do not accept blame for his affair. Even if his criticism were correct, it would not justify an affair. BUT, knowledge is power. You might want to add "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman to your reading list.

I did talk to the OW and tell her she was ruining my daughter life and mine and that until she was away from my husband we couldn't repair our marriage. I didn't get to speak to the husband, but I guess I can try again, just don't know if I am able to do that I am hurting so much.

He complained if I moved and took our daughter away he was going to get hurt - I told him that he made the choice leave us, not the other way around.

He seems so indifferent to everything including the divorce process. A part of me says go ahead and file for divorce he has decided we are not worth working on and left. I can't stop him from seeing the OW and I don't know that he wants to stop. I am in a fog myself. Not sure what to do or not to do. I have tried to very polite and nice each time I have spoke with him and seen him since the separation. It's so hard not hear his voice everyday. I just hurt. I feel as though the whole 10 years we have been married has been a lie. Why did he stay if has been miserable for years. I know one has answers or can tell me what to do, but in 10 years I have made no decisions that I haven't bounced off him. I feel so stupid, so foolish, ashamed, unattractive and unloveable right now.

How do you decide what to do? How do I survive this without being afraid to trust anyone again? I can't hardly go an hour without tearing up and reliving the hurt.

When he came home the first time he called the OW H and told he was sorry for interfering in their marriage and that he would never do it again and for two - three weeks he seem to really concentrate on us, then just after Christmas he just wouldn't meet any of my needs and I was so hurt that I couldn't take it any more and I got angry with him. After my childish outburst he really withdrew and then he left. He has been gone since 1/10/04. He has had time with out daughter, but he doesn't seem to care about me. Although he knows I am having trouble with my eyes and he has asked everyday what the dr has said, but I haven't gone yet.

I know most of this doesn't make sense, but I guess I need someone to talk to that has been through this.

He is not open to talking about working on our marriage. I asked him if we could seperate and go to marriage conseling and if would be faithful to me, but he said I can promise to be faithful.

My best advice is to not move in any direction too quickly. Get your ducks in a row-your life and your daughters. You do not have to do anything quickly-really I wouldn't. Be strong. Trust me, I have been around for almost 3 years, his relationship is going nowhere. In reality. she's not going to want him when she sees what he did to you. You may stay for history, religion and your daughter, but both you and the marriage will be different. It WILL be OK. The only way to go now is foward, but slowly. HUGS!

I feel totally cut out of his life. Last night he brought out daughter home and He treated me like some stranger. I cried for almost an hour after he left.

Saturday we had a disagreement - he called to say he was sorry and I said I was sorry too. I told him not only have I lost my husband, my lover, but my best friend. That I wanted us to start all over the dating process etc. That I truly believe with the right kind of help we could have a great marriage. I asked him if I could send someone to talk to him and he said no don't do that - I said please think about going to take to our pastor - he's very easy to talk to. But I know he doesn't want to talk to someone who is going to tell him what is or has done is wrong.

I so much want my marriage to work, but so unsure what to do. I went to see my attorney again to day, but I just could not sign those papers to get the divorce proceedings started. I just feel like I need a little more time before I can make that kind of decision. I must admit God has given me an incredible amount of peace in this situation. I got back to see the MC Monday and I am going to try to make an appointment with my pastor this week too.

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: SusanE ]</small>

Hi susan,

PLEASE don't rush out to the attorney and sign anything right now.You are so new to all this and if you are like most of us here,when we first find out and soon thereafter we go through so many emotions each and every day.One day divorce looks like the best option the next day we are wanting to work on our marriages.

You are in this now for the long haul.Divorce is a HUGE decision to make so do not even go there right now.If you think divorce will solve your problems,you are very wrong.So is your WH to think so.Divorce in itself carries a very traumatic experience and a very long recovery time too,let alone the infidelity that you are dealing with first.

If I may say so gently here,based on the posts you have made,maybe you could back down a little and not appear so needy to your WH.That is most certainly going to make your WH turn in the other direction.Stop telling him what your needs are and your losses are and try to find some stillness in your world.

It sounds as though maybe reading up and refreshing your memory on Plan A is the best deal right now.I don't think you are ready for Plan B yet.That is where I am at and it is really tough but that was what I needed to do.

Take a breather and start to focus a little more on you which in turn will help you to become more "attractive" to your WH if you stop looking like a desperate woman on the verge of tears/anger all the time.Pull yourself together as much as you can and focus on your daughter too.Don't keep making requests but do let him know calmly that it hurts you that he is continuing the affair,etc.

O

I think I can keep my anger and my hurt to myself at least try - I do expect some help with our daughter - right now I am doing it all and it makes me angry. However, I am constantly in prayer for him and I will ask God to help me keep my emotions under control. I really do try not to be needy-but I guess I really am. Thanks for your insight.

October is right.

My advice is to just work on yourself. Look at you and fix yourself up, redo a room in your house, clean the closet-any self improvement helps. Plan to spend time with friends, socialize as best you can. Don't be a doormat. The more independent you become, the more he will want you. He thinks you are at home crying over him, knowing you are going nowhere. The OW may be giving him a time frame. Just protect your assets, see an attorney just to know your rights. Focus on your life for now. Keep him wondering.

I want to thank everyone who replied to me. I have been reading here on a daily basis, but I often hestitate when it comes to saying anything.

My husband came home on Wednesday February 18th after talking to our Pastor. He cried said he loved me and he wanted to make our marriage work. Our Pastor did counseling and my husband seemed so happy to be home. But that didn't last long - he started having second thoughts almost immediately, but he "kept trying". I just tried to be loving. On Friday March 5th I came home from work expecting to out on a date with my husband since our daughter was with my parents - but he asked me sit down and he told me he had packed. That the past two years he had put himself into our marriage and I had not and he had no feelings for me and he couldn't stay in our marriage.

He told me that he doesn't get peace from staying with us or does he get peace when he leaves. He told me I had been the perfect wife the past 44 days that he had no compliants about that, it was just the way he felt. So this is the third time he has left me.

I just want to the pain to end. I have started working on getting finances in order so that I can provide for my daughter and myself. I am going to ask him to start doing some things to seperate assets. Once he does that I am going to finance our house in soley my name and basically all that will be left to be done is file the divorce papers, figure out custody, then get the court to order child support. I hate the word divorce - I don't want this, but I don't see any other way around it. I am more than willing to listen to anyone's suggestion if you think this marriage can be saved or if I just need to face the fact that it's over and get on with my life.

Susan

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: SusanE ]</small>

Hi Susan,

I was wondering how you have been.

My WH came home too in mid February to say he wanted to reconcile and boy was he convincing.I really felt like I had my "Old" husband back.I did believe he was here but then he changed again the second week of March and well,things have been very difficult since.I found out he was in contact with the homewrecker still by a secret e-mail account.As it stands I was ready to D my WH and told him so.I called a mediator and asked him to send papers to start filling out.So I am waiting for those.My WH also said he was going to say "good bye" again(third time) by going to see HW but that plan was foiled by a death in the family.

I don't want a D either but I feel like I have run out of choices.I MAY go back into Plan B.I have been waiting to see where WH is going to be working.It will be closer to home but he won't be living with us during the week so I don't know what WH has in mind with his life.

I think he wants to try and get the HW to move to where he is but there is so much stacked against them that it's nearly impossibble to have that turn out well.But I am feeling like I don't give a hoot anymore.Just give me my home,my girls and the money and get lost.

I really think that you should go into Plan B and just sit there a while if you think you can do it.My love bank has been empty for some time now but I am holding up ok despite that.I am focusing on my daughters and myself and waiting for other pertinent issues to resolve before I make any more decisions.

Your WH sounds like mine in that they both still feel for the OW and they are not willing to see that in order to have a fulfilling marriage,you have to work at it regardless of who you are with.Right now your WH is gambling on the "feelings" this OW makes him feel but in time,those will fade too as more of life and reality set in and so essentially he will have traded one set of "problems" for another if he never really worked on what went wrong in his own life and how HE contributed to the breakdown of the marriage in addition to yourself.

I have grown a lot during my marriage and even more so during this awful adultery but typically WS's don't and only let their feelings of the OP guide them.That's to their detriment because stats tell us that only 2-3% of A's end in marriage and of those 75% fail.
What a huge gamble and a waste.

Well,what do you think? If you can do a Plan B then try it.You did only find out in November right? You still have some time to let this play out a bit longer if you can stand it.Let your WH put the final nail in the coffin if you don't want a D.Or try a separation.I may do that too. Let's see,my choices are: Plan B,separation(again) or D.Lucky me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

O

Hello Susan,

I am sorry it hasn't worked for you. I am sory for how you must be feeling - I know words can't do much, but I am sorry.

I agree with OctoberGirl that it is time for Plan B. I think he needs to have her attempt to meet all his needs. I think also that if he wants back, there needs to be a plan in place before he gets to live with you again. A plan where there is NC, and where he proves that to you daily. A plan for how he will meet your needs, and where the 4 rules of a successful marriage will be put in place and practiced.

Please don't take him back again unless he can show he has changed, there is no reason to go through this all over again.

I wish we could help more.

SS

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>