I am new here and this is my first post. Bear with me as I need all the support I can get. I am 50yo woman married 27y to the WS. Have two kids, youngest just left for college. Marriage had its ups and downs particularly with conflicts over child rearing. One episode one year into the marriage with OW contacting him (they were hs sweethearts) and trying to get him to leave me. I discovered letters and he ended it. No more infidelity, I am sure. With the kids out of the house, I felt our best years were ahead of us. H went to a high school reunion last July and OW was there (same hs sweetheart). They spent three days talking and reignighting old flame. Within a week of returning home, I knew something was wrong with WS. He confessed, we immediately went to counseling, I wrote "approved letter" to OW. We read books together, went to the Carribean together, thought all was improving. Began to see some withdrawal on his part in Sept. Saw some suspicious phone calls which he was able to explain away, but left doubts with me. Still thought all was ok. Dec.14th I, by accident, found an ecard OW had sent to him at our home email. When confronted, WS said he had resumed contact with her within a week of my sending the letter last summer!! The entire time I thought we were in recovery, he was in contact with her. Devestation doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I had. I made him leave but within a day he called and said he had been selfish and did not want to end the marriage. He was going to "try as hard as he could" (whatever that means). Of course, since then I haven't been able to trust anything he says. I have become obsessed about trying to catch him in a lie. During the first period of unfaithfulness, they were using calling cards to be in touch. This past Friday 1/9/04 I found a call on his cell phone from a calling card number. Confronted him on Tuesday night. He SAYS it was from a male friend who is going through virtually the same thing. (this "friend" was also at the reunion and was also unfaithful to his wife that weekend and the two of them have, according to WS spoken several times by phone). Here is my dilema: I have read Surviving an Affair and understand the necessity of absolutely ending the affair. However, WS has already given me his passwords, etc (the first time he was caught). THe problem is that he works in a secure environment where I cannot access his email OR his phone. He could be getting all kinds of communication from her and I would not know it. He says he KNOWS that and he doesn't know what he is supposed to do about it. He thinks I just have to trust him!! WHen I found the email in Dec. I told him the next time I found out he was talking to her I would call OW husband. That scared him to death as she does not want to leave her husband (#3) who is very attached to their grandson (6yr). So I feel that my WS will do ANYTHING to keep me from knowing he has continued contact with her in order for me to NOT call her husband. WHat do I do now? Do I continue to follow plan A and HOPE he is not contacting her (since I have no way of knowing)? SHould I continue trying to meet all his needs knowing how he has betrayed me and lied to me for so long? Do I force myself NOT to snoop and try to catch him? Any support would be greatly appreciated. I have gone to extreme lengths to protect my husbands reputation. Only a very few very trusted friends know. He is a deacon in our church and if the word got out, our lives would NEVER be the same. I should add that the OW lives about 5 hours from us. I am pretty sure that there has not been sex involved up to now. I just think they have had a hot and heavy email/phone relationship with possible plans to meet as soon as a weekend was available where no one would be suspicious.

You need to contact her H and let him know what is going on. He has the right to know. Then you need to get on Plan A and go to counseling.

Keep posting here and keep reading. You will get through this.

Two things came up for me that would assist in the security of no contact. One, he gets to change his cell phone number and two, you get to contact OW's H. He deserves to know. It will be painful for him and for her but they need to be focusing on their M so that you can have yours back. It was selfish on both of their parts to put your or the OW's H is this predicament. He deserves to know.

I understand not trusting anything though. You have to have healthy skepticsm until you get a new comfort zone. No one can tell you how that will look, you will know inside yourself. You won't be able to control his work e-mail, but there will always be variables that can't be controlled.

After you expose this A to the light, you can get busy on working on Recovery. Good luck and God Bless!

Thank you so much for your replies. Believer, you said we need to go to counceling. No kidding. However, he doesn't want to go. We went last summer to a Biblically based counselor and, as was stupid of me, we stopped when I thought we were well on the way to recovery. At that point, the counselor was "gently" pushing WS to get his spiritual house in order. The guilt he was feeling because he was continuing the relationship must have been tremendous. At any rate, the best I can hope for right now is that he is willing to read the Surviving an Affair book with me.
The both of you have said I should let the OW husband know. I have thought long and hard about that. I totally agree that he deserves to know. I feel very sorry for him. However, I feel pretty sure that if I were to let him know, they would probably break up. Then that would certainly open the door for my WS to be with her. He would be ecstatic. In fact, I have been praying for THEIR marriage as much as I have for my own. As long as their marriage is intact, mine has a better chance. Is that faulty logic? I also believe that if I were to tell OW husband, my husband would be SO angry that it would completely deplete any Love Bank he has for me. Hanging in there, planning a weekend "kidnapping" for my WS and me. Thank God for this website. What a treasure!