Hi all,
Let me give you all a brief rundown on what's happened in my marriage. H and I married when he was 19 and I was 21. H was in the Army and headed to Korea. He wanted to get married before he shipped out and being that I love him, we got married.

He spent one year oversees with a two week visit during the middle of the year. H returned and we moved away from family and friends to the next duty station. We did fine on our own for a while. H was always gone on field problems where he would leave for weeks or months at a time. We survived the seperations and I became pregnant after he came home from his longest field problem.

We had our son and I started working after son turned a year old. H decided he wanted to change his job so he became an MP. He left for training and then came home and told me we were moving to Hawaii. I quit my job and we move to the next duty station.

In Hawaii, h falls in love with one of his soldiers after 9/11. Brings up that he wants a divorce in Oct. after our son has eye surgery. I know something is going on, but h continues to lie and say that nothing is going on. H keeps insisting that I leave to visit my parents for Christmas. I refuse but he keeps pushing that he would feel safer if son and I are on the mainland. Finally I agree. H calls after Christmas and requests a divorce again. I say no. I tell him that I will be flying back to Hawaii no matter what and we will discuss it then.

H is angry, but hugs and kisses me at airport. He still denies having an affair. I do everything he wants. he wants me to get a job so I do. I put son in daycare and work everyday. H wants me to cook and clean. I try to do as much as I can. It is hard on me trying to do everything alone. In April, H says he still wants a divorce. I say no again. I ask him if he is having an affair, he denies it.

In April, I am to go watch h graduate from air assault school. While putting son in the car seat, I find love letters written to the female soldier. I get angry and call h's cell phone. He calls me back and asks what's wrong. I tell him what I found. He tells me not to go to the graduation. I go anyway. I put on a happy face and act like we are the happy family. I did not report h's letters to his command. H told me they were nothing and meant nothing. I believed him because I was afraid that he was finally telling the truth about having an A.

We continue this way and then H leaves to go to another school for two weeks. H calls every day when he is gone. He calls to see how we are and tells me he misses me. He sounds like something is on his mind but he doesn't say anything.

H comes home. I know now that ow had dumped him before he left for his schooling. I am being loving and trying to make him open up to me at this time. H keeps picking fights and being mean to me. Nothing works. When he returns from school, ow decides she wants him back. A continues through the end of June when she decides she can no longer be with him. H finally comes clean about entire A. He cries to me and wants me to hold him while he begins to have his withdrawl. OW is with another man now. H appoligizes for hurting me so much and wants to work things out.

I decide to stay with him and work things out. Only problem, nothing changes. He does not want counseling. I go by myself. H sits all day and all night in front of the computer. Later I find out he is looking at internet porn and chatting with woman. I find this out in Dec. and blow up at him. I mean, it was a lot of porn.

The next day, h blows up at me and moves into the barracks. His command wants me to divorce him. I contact them. They do nothing to help me. H moves out in Dec. I stay on the island until May of 2003. We each are living seperate lives except that I end up in a car accident and my vehicle is totalled. I now have to depend on H to get to work and take son to preschool. He hates having to share his new SUV with me. At the end of March, he takes the vehicle away from me. I rent a car for a week and ask his command if they can do anything. They say no and I am stuck with huge car bills. H gives me legal seperation paperwork and wants me to sign them. I see a lawyer and then sign the papers.

I quit my job and wait to be sent home. For some reason or another, God decides to keep me on the island. My church takes care of me by driving me to church and home. They care for us by helping to make sure I stay sane through all this mess. Finally, I leave the island in May.


H calls every now and then. Calls to talk about son and not me. H is coming to our hometown in July so I wait for him. H does not call to let me know when he will be in town. He stops contact for two weeks. When h arrives here it is a mess. H has not paid any agreed upon support. H is avoiding son and spends a weekend out camping instead of with son. H then leaves two weeks earlier than he has to becuase he wants to meet some internet friends.

H then makes it to Louisiana. He leaves for Iraq still saying he wants a divorce and that he no longer wants to be married. I start working for the local newspaper. I stop writing h in Oct. My heart hurts too much.

H starts calling again. Calls every couple weeks but I am at work or doing something else. H then calls on the 1/11. We have a good talk. H then e-mails the same day to say he is in a new relationship with a soldier in Iraq and that he is being investigated for sexual misconduct. I am truely devistated again. I love him still. I'm surprised I still do. I want my marriage to work. H says he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I am lost and don't know what to do. Please help.

Hi Luna,

cerri is out having surgery and won't be back for a little while. I remember your situation well and have always felt that you face some really difficult odds. For one thing...the constant separation makes it next to impossible for you to truly work on your marriage. It sounds as though you are his touch stone, and when things are going badly for him....he calls and receives comfort with the one he knows loves him. I have no idea if you can save this marriage....but I do know that you can save yourself. I thought I remembered you going to Plan B? Did that not happen? Until your husband is ready to truly commit to a marriage...and at this reading, he still isn't even close...then this relationship is unhealthy for you....too painful. I would personally like to see you do a REAL plan B....formal letter and complete separation....no emails, no calls. Aside from that....what legal recourse do you have to collect child support? Have you gotten advice about this....it's time to attach his wages and make him take responsibility for his son. Living the consequences of his choices is the only thing that may wake him up. In this case....that means losing his lifeline (you) and meeting his fiscal responsibilities at least to his son.

I grieve for you....because I know how hard you have worked on your marriage and how long you have been vigilant. I would like to see you apply that energy to your own healing and detachment. That doesn't mean I'm asking you to give up on your marriage....only that sometimes, in order to protect your love for you spouse, and be free from pain...it requires a higher risk strategy like Plan B.

I am sorry for you pain. I am spending very little time on the board these days since I have begun mentoring couples for cerri. If you need me....feel free to email me starfish4729@hotmail.com

Hugs to you chere! I'll keep you and your son in my prayers. You deserve better than this Luna. Don't settle for the crumbs he throws you...he must be willing to commit to a real marriage or believe me....he will only cause you more pain.

Sealfan,
I am already getting monetary support from him. It was agreed upon in the legal seperation. He owes me some back pay but will be sending it once he reenlists.

Thanks for the advice.
Lunadove

Luna,

Hi, hope I didn't discourage you too much. I don't give up on marriages as long as even one of the participants is willing to keep trying....so don't think I'm writing your's off just because you face difficult odds okay? But I still believe, that for you to get what you need....you must protect yourself, because he cannot right now. Hugs sweetie!