I have a question. I have been married 25 years, H and I have not really been living together in the last 5 years in the name of "work". He works out of town. 2 years ago he had an affair, she dumped him,, I moved to where he was working, then moved back to our house, because we discussed that this would be best. He would work out of town for 6 months, be home for 6 months. Then 4 months ago, he met another woman, moved in with her, two weeks after know her, said he never loved me and should have never married me, and she was his soulmate, the love of his life.
Okay for the question,, Mr Harley mentioned that people who are seperated after affairs rarely reconcile. I will quote him here. I want to reconcile, so that doesnt look like good odds for me getting my marriage back together. H said after 4 months of knowing her, he wants to marry her. Is he nuts or what. Does anybody have any ideas for me.

""""But, as I mentioned earlier, the risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage. Once separated, couples often never do reconcile, remaining separated for life, or they eventually divorce. A fact unknown to many is that fifteen to twenty percent of all married couples end their lives permanently separated. These, who are not included in divorce statistics, usually feel that they should not legally divorce for religious reasons. But for most practical purposes, they are as divorced as those legally divorced. Their separation did not create the opportunity for reconciliation, but rather, created an even higher barrier between spouses.""""


Cheryl

I think Dr. Harley is right. I have read other statistics that say once a couple is separated that there is only a 10% chance that they will get back together.

Part of the problem is that each continues on a different life. So added to the problems of the marriage, either one may decide life is better without their partner.

But since we are in the MB program, we have a plan. Are you in Plan A?

Although my situation is a little different my wife and I were separated for over three months. The main reason we got back together is we turned our focus to God. There is a book called "Hope for the Separated" that deals with this very subject.

If your husband is unwilling to work on the marriage it will, as you know, be difficult to reconcile. Since you guys are "working" apart from each other it has probably been difficult to see each other. How often do you see each other?

I think part of the problem is that you guys ave been apart for so long, basically living separate lives. Do you still want to be married to him???

God Bless

Thanks for the replies.
My husband lives 12 hours away so I dont see him at all. I saw him in September when he told me, then in Dec to pick up his stuff. That was so hard to see him walk out of our house. Both my husband and I are Christians. I am trying to get back to God, but I know that my H is not. How can you when you are married and living with another woman. I think in my H mind he can divorce me, marry her and then ask God for forgiveness. Part of me wants to be reconciled and part of me doesnt. As for plan A and B,, I am still not sure what that is, Is that in the book "Surviving an Affair". I tried to find the book at our library but they dont have it and our Christian book store didnt have it either. I need some help somewhere. I dont have a job and cant seem to find one and I am starting to panic, I am so lonely, and it drives me nuts when I know he is supporting her and giving her all his love and attention to some woman he has known for only 4 months. I just feel hopeless right now. I am trying to have faith in God.

Cheryl

God will help you through this. In the meantime keep reading about Plan A. My WH is a Christian too. He is still with OW. Stay here and keep posting, it is the best place to be.

Hi Believer,

Not sure how long you have been married and how the affair started.
When you say he is with the OW,, is he living with her? Does he want out of your marriage and does he have contact with you? Mine has no contact with me unless absolutely necessary. How on earth can you reconcile when the WH has given up on you and his marriage. Another thing I dont understand is them being Christians, how they can so blatantly disobey God.

Cheryl

Cheryl,
I'm in the same situation as you just that H is in Iraq. Anyway, there are a couple websites that will give you hope. They have helped me the most this week:

www.restorem.org

I can't remember the other one right now. They say even if your situation is hopeless to the world, it's not to God.

Lunadove

Hi Cherylpa,

what I noticed most in your posts was your faith and how in the midst of this painful time, you are seeking God and desiring reconciliation.

I am truly sorry this is happening. I pray that God is near you and gives you peace of heart and comfort. I pray that He gives you rest, strength, and wisdom as you face this. He is more than able to do beyond what you can even imagine.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Hi LoveMyEx

Thanks for replying. I have looked at both those sites that were mentioned and I do get emails from Charlyne cares. I guess what I am struggling with right now is, does God want me to stand for my marriage? I read that so many people were told by God to stand for thier marriages. I have asked God to show me, I told him me over the head with a bat so I really know for sure. Sometimes I feel like I want my H back and sometimes I dont. I think my motives for wanting him back are wrong, such as wanting him back because I am scared, lonely, hurt. I am not sure if I even really loved him. Or if I did love him its so buried beneath all the garbage of our marriage. Sometimes I get so angry I just want him dead, so that he cannot hurt me anymore. (I have asked God to work on me on that). I am just really confused right now.

Cheryl