My H had lunch with someone from church the other day and told him about my A's... at least a little bit, anyway. *sigh* I know that I have to pay the consequences... and I know that he has every right to find someone to talk to. It still hurts, though. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look this man in the face again. This man told my H that he wouldn't say anything to anyone else - not even to his wife. (My first thought was - so he's not practicing radical honesty? LOL I guess it's starting to get stuck in my brain, huh?) I just didn't want anyone to know. I'm ashamed.

Dear So much hurt,

This is really to your advantage. It's called accountability. The more people that know, the more embarrassing it is, but also the more accountable you will be. You will want to show people that you've changed and that you don't approve of your previous behavior any more than they do.

My H gave me permission in the beginning of this, our second round of affairs, to tell whomever I needed to. Our grown kids know, one very good neighbor (I needed her support), my family, my H's father, a couple close friends. That sounds like a lot, but it really isn't. During my H's first affair I told only a couple close friends and my mom. He says now, that if his family had known and if the kids had known (they were too young though) that it might have had enough influence on him to not repeat the behavior as he did.

So try to look at it as a blessing in disguise. Maybe you'll get brave enough to give your H permission to tell whomever he needs for support to get through this.

Be strong!

Stillwed

*nods* I've never been a real fan of accountability. Intellectually, I know that it's a good thing... but I've always struggled with guilt and shame. Admitting to flaws and failures has never been at the top of my list. It doesn't help that I've heard some of the people at church be rather judgemental in the past(not the gentleman that my H told, but others). It makes it even more difficult to think about ANYONE knowing about my As. I know... I guess I should have thought of that before, huh? *sigh*
Thank you for the encouragement. I will TRY to think of it as accountability and remember that that is a GOOD thing.
SMH

Your affair is over. There is no need for anyone else to know...period. Of course, other will know, but your H shouldn't be the instrument of that knowledge.

Your husband engaged in a lovebuster. You must speak to him about this and POJA about it.

Yes, I believe it's about accountability. You should hold your H accountable for this hurtful behavior.

Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your husband engaged in a lovebuster. You must speak to him about this and POJA about it.

Yes, I believe it's about accountability. You should hold your H accountable for this hurtful behavior.

Low </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Low-
thank you... I talked my H about it. He apologized, and explained that he had told me that he would be having lunch with this gentleman, so he assumed that I realized my As would be discussed. I told him that it had never crossed my mind that he would do such a thing without specifically talking about it with me first. I explained that I realize he may need to be able to talk to people about it... but I wish that he would have made it clear that that was what he was doing with this gentleman. He said that from now on, he will be sure to be more clear, and will not talk about my As unless he has discussed it with me.
We went to a different church this morning... I didn't feel that I could face the man that H had told. I find myself wondering if anyone else knows. We went to a large church this morning and I was glad to be able to melt into the crowd. I worshipped with my whole heart, and the message was awesome. I didn't have to face anyone that I knew, though. It felt good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thanks for reminding me to be honest and tell him that I was feeling hurt.
SMH

Originally posted by so much hurt:

but I've always struggled with guilt and shame.

Accountability and responsibility are different and separate from guilt and shame. Teach yourself to recognize the difference within yourself. This is worth the effort. It may take time to develop this self-awareness, but so what?

Admitting to flaws and failures has never been at the top of my list.

Well, I think you could start now. Make a list of your flaws and imperfections. Really, make an actual list. Some may be minor and some may be major. Then list your strengths and your successes.

Admiting to flaws will make you a safer person .... for your H and for yourself.

Needing to be perfect (flawless) or to appear flawless to others is just plane dumb. Somehow you were directed incorrectly about this as a child.

Realizing where your flaws are encourages you to improve. Personal growth is the flip side of having flaws. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It doesn't help that I've heard some of the people at church be rather judgemental in the past(not the gentleman that my H told, but others).

Judgemental .... as in thinking someone should be or appear "flawless"? Aren't you being judgemental of yourself in the same way .... and THAT'S perhaps why you fear other people's opinion? .... just a thought.

It makes it even more difficult to think about ANYONE knowing about my As.

God knows, but loves you despite your weaknesses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> A test of your faith might be NOT caring what other people think of you, but only how you are pleasing to your God.

I know... I guess I should have thought of that before, huh? *sigh*
Thank you for the encouragement. I will TRY to think of it as accountability and remember that that is a GOOD thing.

You are a flawed woman with weaknesses and sin ... aren't we all alike in that respect?

Peace be with you.

Pep

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Originally posted by Pepperband:

Accountability and responsibility are different and separate from guilt and shame. Teach yourself to recognize the difference within yourself. This is worth the effort. It may take time to develop this self-awareness, but so what?

I'm having a rough time separating those... I guess that's something to work on.

Well, I think you could start now. Make a list of your flaws and imperfections. Really, make an actual list. Some may be minor and some may be major. Then list your strengths and your successes.

Admiting to flaws will make you a safer person .... for your H and for yourself.

I can definitely see where admitting my flaws makes me a safer person. I think I will make that list (along with the strengths, of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Great idea!

Needing to be perfect (flawless) or to appear flawless to others is just plane dumb. Somehow you were directed incorrectly about this as a child.

You know, another wise person said that to me not long ago... but somehow I guess I forgot. I mean, I know that I can't be perfect... I know that no one is perfect!

Realizing where your flaws are encourages you to improve. Personal growth is the flip side of having flaws. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can see that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I've never had a real problem admitting my flaws to myself, though... it's just the rest of the world that I've always tried to fool! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Judgemental .... as in thinking someone should be or appear "flawless"? Aren't you being judgemental of yourself in the same way .... and THAT'S perhaps why you fear other people's opinion? .... just a thought.

and a very interesting thought it is... I'm gonna have to think on that one...


God knows, but loves you despite your weaknesses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> A test of your faith might be NOT caring what other people think of you, but only how you are pleasing to your God.

*nods* thank you... I needed to be reminded of that. I tell my daughter that all the time... but it's always more difficult to remember that the only opinion that matters is God's when it's got to do with me!


You are a flawed woman with weaknesses and sin ... aren't we all alike in that respect?

Yes, we are all alike in that respect. Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I really appreciate your wisdom and encouragement.
God bless!

SMH