Ok here's my second post. I am familiar with plan A and am trying hard to be the perfect wife and meet my WS emotional needs and present no LB. Several places on this website refer to exposing the affair to the light of day. At this point NO one knows about my WS A except two very trusted friends of mine and one friend of my WS . I have my doubts that all contact has beensevered between WS and OW. Do you all recommend that I let the cat out of the bag? Do we let our social circle know? Our children? Our families? I have tried desparately to protect my loved ones (other than my WS) from being hurt by this by keeping it all to myself. On the other hand, my WS has had no consequences to bear for his A. So, do you think I should expose him and force him to face the consequences of his behavior? Admittedly, I hesitate to do this because of the hurt it would cause our family especially our children. Should I wait and see if I catch him in contact with her ONE MORE TIME, and then do it?

Exposure is to stop an ongoing A, as is Plan A. So, if there is no contact, then no exposure is necessary. But neither is Plan A. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I wait and see if I catch him in contact with her ONE MORE TIME </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, he should be proving to you through complete accountability of his time, whereabouts and money that he is NOT in contact with her. Read "Surving an Affair" and follow the recovery plan it provides.

For more info, click on the linkin my signature line.

Thank you, John for your response. I guess my problem is that there is no way for him to PROVE there is no contact. He has secure email and phone lines at his work that I cannot access for security reasons. Therefore, I will never know if they are using those means to communicate. I think I have decided, however, to bide my time and watch his behavior toward me. I believe that if the A is continuing, he will want to see her and I will become sufficiently suspicious to be able to prove a contact. Then, I will advance to plan B. (If I catch him lying again, that will be three strikes. I think he needs some consequences after that).

That is a tough call. I opted to protect my WW and not tell anyone as a way of keeping our small children from ever finding out. I think it would be very painful for them to know their mom, who they love and admire, would do something like that. Also, I questioned how it may affect family members who may be hurt by such revelation. The only ones who know are those whom she told and her IC. WW and OM are no longer in contact, but if they were, then may actions may be different.

I opted to protect my WW and not tell anyone as a way of keeping our small children from ever finding out.
Why?
Assuming the affair ended fairly quickly and your marraige is GREATLY restored, then yes I agree that children do not necessarily need to be told.
However, if the affair is ongoing or continues for a long time and causes a bunch of damage, then the children should be told.

I think it would be very painful for them to know their mom, who they love and admire, would do something like that.
So what if it's painful? Life is full of pain.
As aparent, your job is NOT to keep them from ever being hurt but to teach them HOW to properly deal with the hurt.

Also, kid need to understand that parents are not perfect and they make mistakes. If the affair ended and all is well, then you show them that woning up to your mistakes and doing what you can to correct them is the best way to deal with things.

Also, I questioned how it may affect family members who may be hurt by such revelation.
??? Ignorance is bliss?

The only ones who know are those whom she told and her IC. WW and OM are no longer in contact, but if they were, then may actions may be different.
Agreed.
You don't tell simply to tell. But your children are NOT stupid and they do know SOMEHTING is wrong but they don't know what.
Telling them what it is teaches them;
1 - they can trust you
2 - they KNOW they are not the cause of the problems
3 - problems can get fixed if you own up to it and do what is right to fix them

Also, to use your example
I think it would be very painful for them to know their mom, who they love and admire, would do something like that.
It would be better if a bs NEVER knows about an affair.

<small>[ January 16, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>