My husband finally admitted (don't we all know) that he had a one night stand. This event was 8 years ago but it seems like yesterday to me. We've been married 24 yrs. and were together on and off from the age of 16 until marriage at 24. You do the math. Sucessful jobs, home, 2 kids, and an active sex life back then and now. He screwed a blonde in our boat 8 yrs. ago at the Roadrunner in Parker. We've always gone to the Colorado River in the summer and raised our kids around boating and camping.My family has spent time at the very location where he found his one night fling. My question to anyone is how could a man take his family , every year,to the same place where he cheated on their mom and manage to keep it all a secret and look at the pictures of the boat and bar (that he "did" her in) that are in my den? By the way, I'm slim, tall and a redhead (so why did he go for the same female?)

Madam Pryor

Noticed your post and thought I would reply. Welcome to MB.

I asked my counselor a similar question. How could my H take the OW to the same restaurant where we share special memories? We've had anniversary dinners there, I gave him a special gift (ring) there while we were dating, etc., etc. It really hurt me and I didn't understand it.

My counselor said that men tend to go back to places that are familar to them or where they feel comfortable. She said my H probably didn't even give it a second thought and just went there due to familiarity.

While it still bothers me to think my H took OW to that restaurant, the statement my counselor made did make sense.

You said your H managed to keep it a secret all these years. What made your H tell you? Did you suspect and ask or did he voluntarily tell you?

Take care.

sss

Madam Pryor -

First, thank you for your advice. Some very interesting things happened recently and I would be very interested to hear what you think I should do.

Also, I saw your post and I want to say that first of all, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I agree with the prior post and I think your H probably went to the boat b/c it was a convenient/ available place - I doubt he thought about the emotional/symobolic meaning. That probably does not make you feel any better, but I don't think the cheating spouse really thinks ahead as to the pain and suffering that they will cause - I think, especialy w/ a one-night stand, they are just acting "in the moment." Of course, there is no excuse. I hope your M can heal from this. Please keep telling us how things are going. Is your H trying to help you heal from this?

Madame Pryor: I read your post. I think men do what works. They do the same thing with every woman as long as the results are good. Then they don't have to try so hard. I read an interesting article about talking to the last girlfriend before you marry her former flame. We all seem to focus on the other person when the relationship ends(his old girlfriend never....blab,blab)Looking at my own experience with my WS- I think it is like a boy scout badge. He can remember two pleasurable events(for him) and then include you if he chooses. For instance...he is gazing at the photos, in you walk, you ask what is he thinking....WS tells you how he enjoyed that trip and all the wonderful memories. Right. He can display his trophy to himself and think in his mind what a 'player'. I didn't remember if you stated that your child was male. I have 3 girls and 1 son. I have tried to think of what every action I do from this point onward will have on my son(girls also). He will one day be finding a mate and we mothers pray he will honour his wife. I would like to model the correct response to infidelity with the right amount of strength and love for the situation. Then when those girls are seeking a mate...they will have learned from watching their mother what is the best way to handle life's challenges with love and frogiveness. They(kids) are watching and taking notes. In my experience, I can reflect back into my childhood and recall how this incident was handled in my parents' home. I have taken a different approach to my mother. I pray that my kids wouldn't have to think the 'therapy' route when they are my age because their parents first destroyed their marriage, then each other, then themselves, and finally the kids. Cycle has to stop. Look at the pain and suffering in our country.Peace

Madame Pryor: In response to the 'redhead'. He likes how you look. You are the standard by which he grades all OW. I was amazed that the porn priness' that WS was meeting could have been my double. Like I stated before, they can remember the time....I am doubtful of 'one time'. If they can do it once, then they can learn what works and what doesn't. Then they can craft their 'game'remember now--WS thinks he is a 'player' and the game has begun....

I just wanted to say I have also suffered recently, from a hidden one night stand, i have 3 kids, 2 girls and a son, 10 mths, whom i was pregnant with at the time of the ONS.
I am 2 weeks into this now, and the thing I have gained from this website, and from my H, is that it was a ONS, none the less, he loves me, and it wasnt an A. His heart was ands is, with me. I hope your H feels the same. I know its painful and hurts all the same, but I was glad his heart, was still with me. It gives us more chance to heal this dented marriage, its not broken.
I just wanted to give you some hope, im not saying its any better, but it helped me.
Good luck, I know, secrets are hard., But as my H said, to tell me would be like shooting himself in the head, and he was so remorseful, he wanted me, this life, not the mistake.
As far as the taking you back to the place where it happened, listen to the others, this I am not sure about.

Jodie.