Hi everyone,

You don't know how much you guys have helped me but when my fiancee told me about the affair last New Year's Eve I had no one to turn to for 3 days. I was in shock, numb, angry, betrayed, sad and had no one to turn to until during those dead moments when you told yourself I want to heal on my own and voila I found this website. I could not believe what people go through to have affairs and what BSs have undergone through to keep the M together.
We have been living together for all of our 5 years and was engaged to be married this June until this revelation. Right now we have postponed it until we can rebuild what's been severely damaged. It's been 3 long painful yet amazing weeks of revelation not realizing that you possess the strength to hang on tight even if the WS is in that thick fog. He said that he hasn't seen OW (25 years of age and I'm 42, he's 36) but a part of me knows that it's not true that there must have been one or two. They've left each other VMs which he made listen the first few times but it was hard to convince him to do the NC. He knows that the OW was a mistake and he and her were trapped into it by their own actions. Everyday we seem to be making progress but there will be moments of withdrawal when it's just so hard to look at him because you know he's hurting so much from not seeing her. He's always told me whenever he feels this way and we will cry together. He doesn't know how I do it - be strong and laugh about it sometimes but that's the only way to make light of a very depressing situation. Sometimes I can't control it and I ask and nag him where he is going and what time and who he'll be with but I can't keep quiet about it. During these moments he would cry and assure me that he just needs space to forget it but he still hasn't done the NC. Oh, when will they ever get to that point? He's afraid that if he does that that this girl will go wacko on him, threatening to file a suit for emotional duress and etc!!! What a B----! Even he's convinced that she is not perfect but misses their friendship and all the 200% affection she showered on him so she can win.

We have a great house together, a 16-year old son he now calls his own and though he tried before to send me all the red flags I just ignored them until I woke up to find that he's been stolen from me by this clever OW. I've been trying to meet his ENs (we took the questionnaire and understood where both of us failed) and there will be times he would be responsive and times when he needed the space. I thought so many times of sending him back to his parents so he can picture a life without me - NC for the week or 2 that we will be apart so he'd know what he will be missing but his office is in our house too. He seems to be getting over it realizing what a fool he was and how great I am compared to her but there are moments when he feels the pangs of withdrawal and you go back to day one again. I don't know what to do, I know that I wanted to stay because he didn't want to lose me either but it is so hard sometimes with all these rollercoaster of emotions. We've cried everyday for the last 3 weeks and though we've cried less now than before it still hurts and I can't wait for the day that it will stop hurting.

BF (betrayed fiancee)
5 years living together
1 son
gets along well in in-laws

He needs to write NC letter. I am in the same place you are. My H is torn between OW and me and will not write letter. You must stick to having him write NC letter. That is what I am going to do. Good luck and keep posting.

Thanks I've been asking him to do this but he's afraid that the OW might use it against him if she decides to sue someday.
I've been so depressed today because of what happened yesterday. He went to see her without my knowledge although he told me that morning that he needs to do it for his own closure. He told me he was going by his parents but swung by after to meet her out somewhere. I went berserk when he came home lost my cool and almost packed my bags. When we finally both calmed down he said it was good for him because the fog got lifter when he saw her which I don't think I believed. We cried,screamed and cried somemore and he said he's not ready to lose me which is why he came home. He's just so numb that he doesn't feel for anyone anymore. I told him that we would go through the pain again if he sees her but he didn't listen. Part of me wanted to understand that I guess because he needed to see for the last time if he's doing the right thing and not tricking his heart.
I don't know how long i can hold on. He told me it's not that bad and he needs to clear his head and go to California where his brother is so he can forget about both of us for awhile. He said that he doesn't want to make promises anymore but he'll just do it. I know he meant that he wants to just bring back our love again without anymore promises. I know I needed to give him space again to heal and for myself too then when he's ready to try then I will be waiting. Am I doing the right thing hanging on? Is there sample NC letters out there? I came home from work this morning as I can't continue to work and he hugged me and told me that it's not that bad, he can't bear to see me like this. This is too much sometimes the highs and lows!

Hi BF,

I came over after reading your post on Plan A/B forum.

Listen...the good news is everything can work out!!! However, keep in mind that this takes a heck of a lot of time...and commitment on your part...as JL says, this course is not for wimps!

You cannot do anything about HIM, his actions, his feelings...nothing...but you can influence his actions/feelings by what you say/do. Do you see the difference? It is critical to implementing a really good Plan A/B.

You need to change your focus to YOU...what are you doing, saying, screaming??? Take control over yourself first and foremost. Whether or not he sees OW is not up to you, it is up to him. How you react...now THAT is up to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I went berserk when he came home lost my cool and almost packed my bags. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think going berserk is helping the situation? Do you think it is helping him get a clear mind?

Why would you pack your bags? Are you done with him? If so, that decision should always be made when you are calm, not when you are upset. If you are upset...LEAVE the room. Go away until you cool down.

1. No more fighting.

2. No more threats (I'm OUTTA here!!!) -- don't do/say something unless you are prepared to follow through. (And think things through, calmly, with at least a 24-hour cool-down period before you decide on anything as serious as leaving the home.)

3. Calm down...way down. Think of yourself in a battle (I can tell you already do). If you remain calm, you stand a chance of getting out of this tight situation alive. Or in this case...married!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told me it's not that bad and he needs to clear his head and go to California where his brother is so he can forget about both of us for awhile. He said that he doesn't want to make promises anymore but he'll just do it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Personally, I don't think separation is ever a good idea outside of Plan B. Creating an emotional oasis for the two of you...that's a different story. Doing a really good Plan A and then sending him off at your request to save your love (ie. Plan B), now that makes sense too.

But separating so he can "think things over" does not usually wind up in your favour. I suspect you think you'll feel better...well, read some of the stories from BS here whose H have moved out...it's still hard you know. Read some stories of folks in the midst of D...it is still hard.

The best advice I can give you is that this will hurt no matter what either of you does at this point. He did something that hurt both of you very much.

If you can accept that you will hurt no matter what you do, you may be able to calm down enough to decide if you want to save your R. If so, you'll need to do some intensive reading...you are LBing big time right now...that is certainly not part of Plan A, nor does it work to restore your R, nor does it work against his R with OW. The whole point of Plan A is to end the A. That involves WAY more than simply demanding he end it! It has a whole heck of a lot to do with showing him things can be different, in eliminating LBs, and meeting whatever ENs you can.

Before tackling the issue of N/C again, it would be a very good idea to STOP everything for a few days. Let things calm down. Do lots of reading. Read and implement the 180s. Get control over your emotions. Practice talking to your F (practice alone I mean!). Practice stating very CALMLY why N/C is important to you.

Everything you say to him should start with "I feel"...it's not easy to do. Read Cerri's post on feeling words and think hard about how you use them.

feeling words

Think about how to make a request, not a demand. You do not have any RIGHTS over him. He's not YOURS to do with what you will.

I'm being tough on you precisely because I think your situation has a lot of potential! I truly do not want to see you squander it by LBing him out the door.

If he leaves, let him go with lots of love. A good Plan A gives him lots to remember you by.

All the best...awed

P.S. If you want specific techniques on how to calm down, how you can focus on yourself...let me know...I sure accumulated a lot of them for myself!

P.P.S. Here's the sample N/C letters you requested...

sample N/C letters

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Hi Awed18,

Thanks for all your help and support and for your tough love. I've read all the LBs, ENs and almost all the topics in the MB site yet when something happens that can provoke you I lose all control. I know that this is not for wimps and I could say that I am still a baby in this situation. I do not ever want to lose my cool but it was just too hard to bear. And everyone is right you think that what they said was the truth well guess what after that episode Sunday I found out 2 e-cards from her by snooping on his computer and a failed attempt from his part to Vtext her which gave me the destination numner of the OW. So breaking rules once more, I called the OW and we got on for a screaming match because I was telling her why are you still sending all these "forever us" messages etc and she said it's your guy who's still begging me to come back, all the crap. In short when he came back from a short trip to the bank I immediately confronted him and since the computer won't lie he said that she was the one sending and he just wanted to send him a joke.
Oh awed18, I've had enough, threw my ring at him, and went through the same painful scenario as two days ago. Don't they ever learn how not to stop? In short after much pleading on his part, I decided to stay and calm down, just spent the whole day in the bed crying (Wednesday) and then in the afternoon he brought me to Sport authority to get some skis and get my mind off it. Somehow it worked and we were better, read Affair Emergeny Tactics which says to be always in control of yourself and emotions and focus on your being happy. Also that night I told him that I do sympathize with what he's been going through and that I have been selfish on just thinking about me and my misery. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, he thought that no one cared and no one understands him. I said I do and that I am sorry too for just concentrating on me. We hugged and kissed that night.
Went to work Thursday and I vowed to take care of me. We had a restaurant review that night and we vowed to have a good time and boy it was a good time.
Even though he was tired from work, he put in a lot of LUs in me by sitting beside me and we were just kids touching each other and making out. He thanked me for my understanding acceptance and forgiveness and I also apologize for my outbursts but he said that he understood why I've acted that way. I told him that any contacts would send me to that state again and he promised NC. (He still hasn't written that so I will not push at this time)
To make the evening more fun we went to an 80's party downtown and just had fun dancing and being kids again. Lots of LUs here. Noticed him looking around though maybe OW's friends frequent the bar but we were touchy feely with each other.
Friday is his trip so he passed by my office and hugged me before going to the airport. He's now with his brother in CA and talked a lot to him over the phone and he seems to be clering the fog.
Awed18 I really think that we still have a good chance I know that I will be in for the long haul but your support and advise I will take to heart. From now I will focus on changing me and if he responds positively which he is then Plan A really works. I hope to never ever consider B. Will see when he comes back. Thank God for people who have started this MB it has been such a blessing to be part of a group of people who's seen pain, going through it and sharing their struggles and successes to those who are newbies. God bless! Please pray for me as I pray for all of you!
BF

Awed18,
I forgot to thank you for the sample NC letters. It was great!
more power to your R.
BF

he's afraid that the OW might use it against him if she decides to sue
What could she sue him for?

Chris,
The OW accdg to him is studying to become a lawyer. Last New Year's Eve he went with her to some party and he wanted to come home to me after 12 but she didn't want him to go. So they were arguing and she tried to block the exit and was really drunk. He wanted to go out and grabbed her arm to put her aside. While doing this she fell off the ground and almost hit her head if he hadn't caught her. She said F---you and all that and left him a VM saying it's war! He contacted lawyer just to know if ever that's possible for her to sue. He said she can take her time up to a year if she wants to or not. Did hear the Vm though so I don't know if this was a setup or not. I am half believing this.
BF

MBers,
Today Sunday is a difficult one, a bit depressed as I have not tried to contact SO in CA and he has not tried to ring us too so he's probably trying the NC towards me not the OW. Oh well, it's hard but I have to not appear begging for his attention all the time. Maybe this will make him think more. I don't know why do you feel like the pain will always be there no matter how good some days are. God this is really not for wimps! Whew! Sorry to vent it out on you guys no one to talk to am very lonely and sad today. He's coming home tonight midnight is his flight back. We'll see. I'm gonna keep NC with him at least for this day and see if I can do that.
BF

So they were arguing and she tried to block the exit and was really drunk.
If she were to sue, he could press charges for attempted kidnapping/false imprisonment as she was not letting him leave.

He wanted to go out and grabbed her arm to put her aside. While doing this she fell off the ground and almost hit her head if he hadn't caught her.
So if she didn't hit her head, what's the deal?

He needs to send a letter. Don't let him talk his way out of it.

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris,

Thanks for the advise. You are right with the false imprisonment. And she didn't hit her head so there is no damage. Unless he's not telling me more or he's just talking his way out. I have to not believe every WS story as they always are distorted for their advantage.
Thanks for this legal opinion.

BF

BTW, actually got a call from him afternoon as he was getting worried about me, (maybe he thinks I will do something stupid to the OW) and then another one in the airport. He said he's had an awakening after seeing a very good role model in his brother in CA. The guy is devoted to his carreer and yet he's also 100% into his family. So maybe this will jolt him out of his non-commitment to this R.

Thanks for this legal opinion
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It was just a thought. I'm not a lawyer, although I did watch Matlock on occasion. (No, I'm not "old" either.)

Usually, a ws will do alsmost anything to try and stay involved with the op, even if it's "just as friends".
They can't really understand why it's not possible.

(maybe he thinks I will do something stupid to the OW)
Make sure you have nothing at all to do with the ow.
Don't speak to her or visit her at all.

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Awed18,

I have done some snooping yesterday when my So went to COSTCO and again got into his private email account and so all the letters that she has been sending him since the start of the EA/PA. At first I was indignant but after reading through it I felt sorry for the OW. I was once the OW when I was younger and I knew that this is my karma. I felt all the idealism and fantasy on her part to be married and have a baby at 25. After sorting through so much info I am proud to say that I did not lose my cool. I closed the window and did not confront my SO when he came home. This morning when he drove me to work ( my car is in the shop) I brought the topic that I have seen all the emails that she's been exchanging with him and he was shocked. "How could that be?" Well, you didn't sign out of your hotmail so I was able to get in without a problem.
In short he was angry, sad,crying, screaming saying that 'now there will be no chance for us to be together you can't get over it'". I looked at him lovingly and told him that I'm here for good, I'm staying and I will always love him and we are going to survive this.
Awed18, he didn't think I was human, I said you know it's not me, my strength comes from God and from my MB friends who have been supporting me and coaching me in taking my baby steps. Oh my God, I was so cool and calm but I was also crying because I feel his guilt and pain - and believe me he said that it is the worst of all the hurt he's done to me. I told him to put that in his head that I'm here and not leaving him. Now I get the point of not giving in to anger or rage. It is so empowering and it does make me feel much better.
Saga never ends, and I hope that we will be here when the storm clears.
Thanks for the timely advise!
BF

Good for you for keeping your cool!

From what I've seen, WS pretty much always go through this in some form or other: shock, anger, emotional breakdown...they cannot believe that you could still love them. In a broad sense, they do not love themselves. Having an A is unhealthy behaviour...makes you feel devious, unclean, pathetic...lying about your actions...torn between two lovers...etc.

Are these e-mails current? Or does he sincerely seem to be working towards a commitment to end the A?

Has he done any reading? Sometimes if a WS reads about their situation -- just how typical it is, right down to the dialogue they use with you -- then it helps them fight their feelings during withdrawal.

And of course, you've taken such a powerful step...if he trusts you enough to talk about the situation honestly, then he'll be facing the hurt he is causing, and you can partner through withdrawal and into recovery (ie. post-A). It seems surreal I know but if you can at least get the lying under control, you've taken a great step together.

For example, often there are slips during recovery. If you've done reading here you'll have seen comments like "did he tell you or did you discover it on your own?". That's because while all slips are problematic, if the WS tells you it is FAR better than if you discover it.

This is where the trust factor comes into play. If he knows -- no matter how hurt you are -- that he can tell you something without it starting WWIII...well then, he just may choose to do so!

It's a slow process...take your time, be patient...but remember to also be honest about how you feel. If you are starting a statement or phrase with "you"...then you are likely making a judgement, not stating how you feel.

Keep up the good work! awed

...and I thought of something else you need to keep in mind...you are in Plan A...this plan does not go on forever, it is finite! Otherwise you are enabling the A...there has to be an end. Either he ends the A, or you separate. Carrying on as he is doing is not good for any one of the 3 of you...if he can't realize that at some point and take action, then you will have to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope to never ever consider B.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand the fear associated with Plan B, but it is an important part of the MB approach.

I'd like to give you a little homework to do...read believer's story (I think she's posted it on GQII)...read how she feels about her WH now...this is how you will feel if you stay in Plan A too long...

You have the program here, you know what is expected of the WS (accounting for time, recommitting to R, sending N/C letter, etc.). These precautions are to protect YOU...if he cannot commit to them -- commit to protecting you, it is because he is still committed elsewhere...

That is why you need to always keep a good handle on how you are doing...sure you'll have your ups and downs...but you need to move to Plan B BEFORE you lose your love, your respect, your liking, your desire to go on living with this guy! And while you don't think it will happen to you, sadly that's how most people feel, and why they wait far too long to go to Plan B.

Keep it in mind...that's all I'm suggesting...you are loving him, supporting him, helping through a crisis...you have patience, but you are not a doormat...

By the way: this is for YOU only...this is not something you tell him...you don't give him a deadline...the deadline is in your head only, for you only...

Let yourself become accustomed to Plan B...think about it, overcome your fear...it is for YOU...if necessary...nothing to fear but fear itself...

Hope this helps...

Awed18
_________________________________________________
Are these e-mails current? Or does he sincerely seem to be working towards a commitment to end the A?
_________________________________________________
The last thread of her email was Jan.14 and she was sort of giving up why he's no longer communicating. So maybe he is sincere towards ending it but you can never tell right now coz it's still so fresh.

I have just recently started Plan A almost 9 days now and I think that I might see the day that the A will end. If not, you're right even if Plan B is such a scary place to be it will leave me no choice but to go there to preserve my self respect and dignity and move on with or without him. I told him under no circumstance is this going to be 3 person relationship.

I know that I don't ever want to be there but I'm opening up my mind to all the possibilities now.

BF

BTW, I saw believer's post about "I stopped loving him" and it did break my heart. I hope it's a temporary feeling like when you're all numb and don't care but if she's chosen not to love him anymore then it's really a conscious decision on her part to stop fighting this demon you call an affair! Can you imagine a little fling or fun and the damage and pain to everyone involved is so great and at times irreparable?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The last thread of her email was Jan.14 and she was sort of giving up why he's no longer communicating. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's good to hear!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So maybe he is sincere towards ending it but you can never tell right now coz it's still so fresh. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup...sadly it seems to take longer for a lot of WS to end the A...but many do, and do so for good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for your other comment, I don't know if it is a conscious decision to stop loving someone...my point in getting you to read that particular thread was to see how quickly someone can appear to move from caring intensely to not caring...the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. It may appear to be abrupt, but it is really occuring gradually over time.

Just prepare yourself mentally...know that this is all part of a program, a well-thought out approach to coping with an A in your relationship...

But you've got a long way to go yet...it is early days for you in Plan A...the only reason I even raised it at this point is because you expressed fear, and fear keeps a lot of BS in limbo too long.

And to be absolutely blunt: you have not committed to this guy yet. You are not married yet. This is a very serious wake up call -- you need to make your choices with your eyes wide open. He needs to respect you and your R or there will be no point in getting M.

Do NOT LB...ever...but communicate honestly. Change this about yourself and you will be so far ahead of the game, it will astound you!

all the best...awed

Awed18,
Thanks for all your advices. It's been pretty good since I last posted which was almost 4 days ago and though I go from day to day I am grateful that it's been kinda peaceful and good for the last few days.

Should I attribute it to my not LBing or WS's not triggering or provoking me? There were some slips however in WS's actions like constantly checking his VM because I know they're doing VM tags and the other day he mentioned that the OW cried for 1 week after I screamed and yelled at her over the phone. Yeah right, sympathies please spare me! I asked respectfully if she had called him and he lied saying No I just know how she's like etc..blah blah blah lies lies... Ok I let that one pass.

At any rate, preserved my cool, no LBs, just listening and joking about it but hearing about other people's stories and some of my friends who are WSs talk about the "pull" or addiction of the feeling it's scary because if you think that they are over that's when you should be guarded bec. they are not. My SO has been very loving since. doing things for me but I don't know if he can make it through with the OW always tempting him to come back or maybe him calling her. He said he's not done any C with her ever since the sreaming match but I don't know why I don't believe it. I pray to God for this.

I am really considering buying the software to monitor his emails or get his cell records so I can base off my decision to go to Plan B if he doesn't stop the contact with her. I don't want to be a fool and stay in Plan A without knowing if he will or has really stopped C with OW. Am I doing the right thing? I'd like to stay in Plan A for 6 months but I might LB if I see that he still contacts OW and vice versa. I am willing to give Plan A a lot of chance so he can see the light of the day but do they ever really come out of the addiction?

This is my take, I feel that that if that's the only way for me not to lose my self respect and love for him then I will go to B.

So far we've been sweet and loving towards each other and he's been trying and last week he was honest enough to tell me that he still hasn't felt the spark again with me. I kinda got hurt with this and for 2 days I was quiet and just crying silently coz even if I knew that it's because of the fog it still hurts to hear the "truth" accdg to them. He actually started calling me frantically and told me that he can't stand to see me like this and he's afraid to lose my love forever. I know this is too soapy for me but I realized that he does mean what he says that he doesn't want to give up on us yet he doesn't know how to let go of the demon that is the OW. Are there are any shortcuts here that I don't know? How do they get rid of the "demon" or that addictive feeling? WSs need your input here!

Hoping for the best,
BF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I attribute it to my not LBing or WS's not triggering or provoking me? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The two are often (always?) linked. That's why when I hear a BS say something like..."and then I LB'd...sorry!"...it is so darn frustrating! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> LBing makes everything worse. Full stop. It puts you back to square 1 in a lot of cases, undoing days or sometimes weeks worth of effort. LBing directly undermines your R, no matter what he's done. The old two wrongs don't make a right.

In addition, when you stop LBing and are conscious of your behaviour, you tend to be triggered less precisely because you are focussing on YOUR behaviour.

Some see this as a great deal for the WS...I see it as great for you! You are learning how to handle conflict in a healthy way...a lesson you can take to all other relationships in your life. You are gaining inner peace and security...wow! Who wouldn't want this after all the crap you've been feeling??? Doesn't happen overnight but you are headed there now.

Please take the time to think about your good feelings, commit them to memory, maybe write down your phrase above..."I am grateful that it's been kinda peaceful and good"...use that to motivate yourself when you hit a bump. Remember that YOU feel better when things are peaceful and that is an important reason to work to maintain calm...not so that it "makes the WS happy".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ok I let that one pass </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good!!! Good for you...vent here...say nasties here...but don't say them to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am really considering buying the software to monitor his emails or get his cell records so I can base off my decision to go to Plan B if he doesn't stop the contact with her. I don't want to be a fool and stay in Plan A without knowing if he will or has really stopped C with OW. Am I doing the right thing? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a hard one. There is such a fine line between monitoring (protecting yourself) and obsessing (driving yourself crazy). You mentioned that you don't believe he has N/C. Although you should never let your feelings make your decisions for you, this is the one area that you should listen to your feelings because sadly...they tend to be right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So I guess it would be worth putting your mind at rest by investigating what you can. If he does have contact, I'd urge you NOT to "confront" him. Instead, practice your safe conversation first. You calmly tell him (don't ask so that he lies) what you KNOW and how it makes you FEEL. You don't need to tell him how...just that you know.

If you can discuss C with him safely, that's where a lot of the progress between you can be made. You get to explain why N/C is so important to you and the recovery of your R (ie. a firm boundary); he gets to SHARE his feelings with you, a subtle swing away from sharing his feelings about you with OW. More needs met by you. And you may discover even more about your guy too, like other ENs you weren't aware of.

Opportunity...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd like to stay in Plan A for 6 months but I might LB if I see that he still contacts OW and vice versa. I am willing to give Plan A a lot of chance so he can see the light of the day but do they ever really come out of the addiction? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a long time hon...monitor yourself closely. Under Plan A they don't necessarily come out of the addiction, but they can re-commit to your R.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... he does mean what he says that he doesn't want to give up on us yet he doesn't know how to let go of the demon that is the OW. Are there are any shortcuts here that I don't know? How do they get rid of the "demon" or that addictive feeling? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What reading have you done? So much good info out there.

Also, check out WS stories on this site. Lots of stories of fighting the addiction, techniques and tools that you may wish to jot down for the future. There are no shortcuts but there are lots of ways to help, and things you can do that would hurt.

Personally, I found reading the WS perspective helped me to understand what he was/would be going through...it helped me keep calm and understand this was a process...it was "normal"...it helped me talk things through with him as his friend...understand his enormous guilt at what he'd done to us...

Take care and keep up the good work! awed

As Star*fish says:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.
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