Hi, this is the first time i've ever posted a message. Let me begin by saying that i wasn't married but i had a boyfriend who was the best guy friend i'd ever had and known for a long time. We went to high school together and have great memories from prom and graduation and even starting college. This boyfriend was also the person i lost my virginity to and we had been intimate for a while. Well about 6 months ago i found out he had cheated on me because his lover was his old ex girlfriend and a casual friend of mine. She confessed to me that they had slept together only a handful of times during a 1-2 week period, but they had stopped and he apparently cared greatly for me. I was of course greatly hurt, but the problem became even bigger because she explained that she was pregnant with his child and when she had told him about the situation he told her it was her problem. I am of course disgusted with that type of behavior from him, but it is the most unexpected thing. I basically took plan B and told him i would not be a friend or girlfriend to someone who would just say that the pregnancy was her problem. In all truth it hurt me a lot to do this and i miss him more than i could have imagined. He did come back to me and wanted to reconcile. I do believe that he simply made a mistake and acted irresponsibly. However, all of my friends (who were also mutual friends of his) disagree, and they believe that i should not give him a second chance. They are all disgusted with him and have cut off ties with him as well. One of my friends is so outraged that i would even consider dating this boyfriend again that he has told me i must choose between his friendship and this boyfriend. I just don't know what to do. I miss my boyfriend and the fact that we both miss and still feel so strongly for each other after 4 omnths of no communication must mean something. But on the other hand there must be something that i cant see that's making my friends so concerned about the possibility of the 2 of us reuniting. PLEASE someone tell me what i should do. is there some sort of test or something that could tell me if he has changed? i know people are capable of change and maybe i'm just being optimistic but people deserve a second chance, don't they? I'm just so confused. I don't know what to think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

gatorpd

this is only my own personal opinion so please "hold on".

You wrote that you are not married and that your "boyfriend" has made a mistake with results.

Well, the fact that this "mistake" will always be a part of your life and will always be a "reminder", is something that you should "consider" if you make any decision for the future.

It will mean that you will have to deal with this for the rest of your life. You will have to deal with your "boyfriend" having contact with the mother of his child.

You will have to deal with this forever, so please think about this very well.

Otherwise, I'd say "Run!!!" It's going to hurt, yes but also consider: "Other mothers have wonderfull son's!"

I personally don't believe that a relationship that starts this way, will last a life-time.
You're going to have problems from the beginning on and I don't think this is something "meant to be".

He cheated on you and now he's not "taking over responsibility" for what he did.
He seems to be a "conflict Avoider and Runner".

I don't know how old you are but I can tell you that if this had happened when I was young and not married, I wouldn't of went through the pain of "betrayal" and I don't even want to think about a OC also being involved.

He made his bed, so let him lay into it!.

Enjoy your life and read all you can in Marriage Builders. Profit from what you learn and use this in a new and healthy relationship.

take care and hugs
bb

this is gatorpd again i just read the reply and i wanted to mention that the she had an abortion and did not have the child. I had nothing to do with that decision and was not involved in the discussion that led to that decision. i don't know if that makes a difference or not though. I am fairly young, so i guess it is possible to move on, but i just find it so unusual that i can't forget about him and how strongly i still feel. To give him some credit, this was the only thing he ever did wrong in our relationship, but that doesn't make what he did any less worse.

gatorpd

again, this is only my personal opinion.

The fact that there is now no OC involved does make a difference. There will be no reason for further contact with OW.

I think the most important part now would be to show your "boyfriend" everything in Marriage Builders.
Get books and read (both of you) all you can about the concept of "MB".

I personally think, it is important to listen to your gut then.
How is your "boyfriend" reacting??

Is he interested and are his reactions positive about "Marriage Builders"?

Does he truely understand what Marriage Builders is about and can he accept this to be a part of his further life together with you???

Then and only then would I be willing to start a "new life" with this man.

If there is any doubt at all, I would let go.

If my husband and I had known about Marriage Builders before getting married and if we had, had the knowledge we now have, we would of saved ourselves alot of pain and "misunderstanding" in our life.

But still, I'm happy I found this place and I'm "overwhelmed" that my husband understands and accepts this into our "new" life.


I feel safe and I feel understood like never before and I'd say, this is what a good relationship should feel like.

So, please think about this seriously. You don't have to take "less" that what you are deeply asking for.
If you are considering to "go for this man" you can clearly ask for 100%!!!!not 90% and not 95%.

100% you are worth it!!!!

It's also important for your future to "open up completely" and it's important to find the reason for his "straying".
You might want to start with the book:
"His Needs, Her Needs". This book really makes alot of things very clear and was a great help for my husband and I.

take care of yourself and most of all take your time

bb