I have been married to my wife for 3 years and have been with her for about 7 years total.
Our intimate relationship has slowed down considerably. It has been a bit of a stress on our relationship. I just figured that she works hard and is too tired. ( I am still sure that this is the reason, well pretty sure.)
I am not sure how to handle this. I just found out that my wife has been going out to lunch with one of her ex boyfriends, and is lying about it to me. I found out from email that she received ( The first email I saw by accident while trying to fix her computer. Now I monitor it. I feel like a snake doing it ). Should I be worried. Should I take steps to stop it or confront her. Or should I just let it go?

Yes, you should be very worried. Especially since she is hiding the lunch dates from you. This is how affairs get started ... she may already be having an affair (emotional or even physical).

If she finds out you are monitoring her email, she will probably be furious and try to make that the issue - just like my W did.

In my opinion you need to confront your wife and put a stop to this as soon as possible. You don't want to sit on it and watch it become a PA (physical affair) if it hasn't already.

Sooner than later, you should tell your wife about the email. There will some guilt if you try to hide that.

You have been reading posts here; therefore you probably know that you have not been meeting your W's ENs (emotional needs) lately. That is why she is having secret lunch dates. Sadly, she is likely confiding in her ex-bf about how unhappy she is ... the more she does, the more he will do to make her feel good. It's a vicious cycle.

I do hope that for your sake, nothing "serious" has happened yet. From the little that you have written, perhaps this is the case. However, you must brace yourself for more than you know.

There are people here who have been in recovery for a long time (not me); they have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. You will find them to be very helpful.

Good luck.

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: cpx ]</small>

Hello,

Of course you should be seriously worried about this since this exactly how affairs emerge. First, she is now lying to you about this. If she gets in the habit of lying to you about this then what else will she be lying to you about?
Second, she is having secret lunches with an old boyfriend who she was sexually intimate with in the past. Why do you suppose he is doing this?

Keeping your head buried in the sand will only enable her to continue this into a full fledged affair. This needs to be addressed now and dealt with it before it gets worse. Your wife is at least emotionally seeing an ex lover behind your back and lying to you about it. How could you even ask if you should talk to her about it? Are you going to wait until she has sex with him to talk to her about it? You are in a crisis in your marriage. You need to deal with it immediately or do you feel comfortable having a wife that lies to you and sees an old boyfriend behind your back?

How do you think your wife would feel if you were lying to her and seeing an old lover behind her back? Do you think she would ask if she should talk to you about this? The longer you let this go the worse it will become. Deal with it today or you may be dealing with a divorce tomorrow.
I wish you luck.

If you haven't already, get Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, it has some really good insight on how affairs start and gives good stratgies on how to confront your wife. You have to confront her but want to do in a way that won't start a fight. There are some really good articles on this website but please get the book (try the library). It's an easy and fast read but it will give you a way to deal with what you're going to be dealing with AND work on your relationship at the same time. The longer she has to communicate in the dark with her exboyfriend the more dangerous it becomes. That's one of the things the books and all the articles talk about is revealing the affair to the light of day, but it's also important to do it in a way that doesn't love bust!

Good luck

I have been here for over 3 years however I don't post often. Just read mostly because of all the wonderful advice but I have to reply to what Bryanp has said, because I've noticed it over and over again in a lot of his posts. I'm a BS but Brian, NOT ALL WOMEN ARE WHORES. Not all women ALWAYS WANT TO HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME. When you reply to posts from men who feel their wives may be cheating on them... on numerous occasions you assume that they are having sex as in this statement you made to Confusedbyitall.

Second, she is having secret lunches with an old boyfriend who she was sexually intimate with in the past.

Nowhere <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> in his post did he state that she was having or he thought she was having sex with an old boyfriend. She is having lunch with him. And how do you know she was sexually intimate with this boyfriend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> You don't, either do I. I was not sexually active with all of my old boyfriends as I'm sure a lot of women are not. Don't assume. You know what they say about that word. [censored] U ME. Sometimes, and this is how I would feel if this were my post, you make things worse having him think that his wife is having sex, when she very well may NOT BE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Granted, she is cheating no matter how you look at it but it may not be as bad as you paint it. You give wonderful advice for the most part and are very knowledgeable and helpful, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but this same theme is very consistent in posts you make to newbie's. Please, read carefully before you make statements like that. Its bad enough when you think your spouse is seeing or talking to someone else, but the thought of them having sex is so devastating and it very well may not be the case in this or other situations that you have replied to... Please, don't add more pain to people's situations.
Sorry if this offend you but a lot of your post's have offend me because of your negative opinions about women in general. Such as assuming that they ALL are having SEX all the time. Reread some of your old posts and you will see what I mean. Women need someone to talk to. That is more important to them then the sex.

To clear up the confusion, This guy is someone she obssessed about as a Teen, and has been intamite with. I trust my wife completely, and I usually don't have a problem with situations like this as long as I am told about it before hand.
What concerns me is that she does not tell me about it. I don't want to read between the lines, but I have been burned in the past for being so understanding. I know from past relationships that I would not be able to deal with cheating. It would without a doubt be the end of my marriage! But I want to give her all my trust.

To Mia:

I would suggest that you reread my post. I never said that she was having sex with this guy. What I said was that she was lying to her husband about meeting an ex boyfriend who she was in the past intimate with. I said this is how affairs begin. She continues to lie to her husband to have secret meetings with an old lover who she meets which means she may probably already be in an emotional affair. I would suggest that you read my posts more carefully. It seems that you may be projecting your own insecurities on others.

To Confused:

I must again ask why you would not bring this up to your wife? You say you are understanding if she would tell you that she is having lunch with this old boyfriend who she was obsessed with and intimate with in the past. Again why would she keep it secret from you? I again strongly urge you to sit down and discuss this with her and ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed?
The fact that she is lying to you and keeping it secret surely seems to indicate that this may be a serious red flag. Deal with the issue now or you may be beating yourself up later. Wishing it so doesn't always make it so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Confusedbyitall:
<strong>This guy is someone she obssessed about as a Teen, and has been intamite with.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is very serious then. How long has this been going on (that you know of)? It's already an emotional affair, at least.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I trust my wife completely,</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Given what you have written you shouldn't. She has lied to you. If the roles were reversed, would she have reason to trust you? No.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>It would without a doubt be the end of my marriage!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems that most men say this before d-day comes. I said it and I truely belived it ... until it happened to my W and I.

You need to confront you wife about this ... but don't lash out and judge. When you confront her you are likely to get lies; and she will be angry about you reading her email. But it has to be done.