My life has been turned upside down recently. I have just found out that my wife has been "see" someone on other than myself. She says that they were just friends but that he started giving her the things i was not. see she felt that we were nolonger connected and that she was not really married to me. she starts a friendship with this guy and then she says that she started feeling more for him.

she admits to kissing him, but nothing more. BUT what hurt me the most is that she says that she is no longer in love with me. she does not have that passion for me. she now seems to have this passion for the other guy.

my question is can we be saved? i have taken steps to make sure she feels closer to me, and i know it has only been a few weeks, but i can tell that there still is no love there for me. am i fighting a losing battle? I love her with all that i am and i have seen the mistakes that i have made in the past. i truly am lost with out her but i don't want to hold on to something that is going to make her misserable.

i know this post is long but i thank anyone that can give me a little advice, maybe help clear some things up for me.

thanks

Hi SC,

First of all, your post is NOT long. My replies are twice that much most of the time - LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am sorry you are dealing with this issue. It is critical you get on the right foot now. Read the concepts section above. Get ahold of the books: Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr W. Harley.

Get with a good MC familar with MB principles or call Steve, Jennifer or Cerri here at MB for a phone counsultation. They are quite good.

It is vital you strengthen you first before dealing with her issues. Right now know that you can't control her thoughts and actions. Neither can she and as a result she may do some really stupid and mean things which are designed to hurt you. She won't admit it but the pain will be as intense.

Learn how to lessen those blows to your heart. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Keep reading and posting.

Your W is having an EA and could turn PA anytime. EAs are worse since the fantasy of the A is what keeps the A going.

Let us know how you are doing.
L.

thanks for the reply. can a love lost really come back. if she feels numb towards me can she ever feel love for me again or have i so damages or relationship that it is unrecoverable. let me give you a little more back ground.

we got married about a year and a half ago, for the first year thing were great. then i took a postion at that required 12 hr work days and this job was not one that ever got lighter. plus there was no money. i was paying for school, that took up almost all of my income.

We moved in with my parents, to try and save some money and give her a safer area to live in than we could afford.

from then on things went down hill. my job was so taxing that most of the time i would just come home and go to bed. the times that i did not just fall asleeep i wanted what most guys want sex. she started feeling disconnected to me.

my family is also a very dominating one. they plan lots of things to do together. they were not trying to but into our lives, they were just being the people the are. well these activities took up what little time we had.

W began to feel more and more alone. when she would try and talk about it with me, about how unhappy she was i would hear her, but i'm being honest, i was not really listening.

so eventually she started feeling that my parents were more important to me than she was. she felt unapprecate, unloved and unmarried.

along comes the OG. he listens to her, he makes her laugh, he swoops in on my wife and they start a relationship.

this all came to a head right after new years. we were in orlando fl for a convention for my work and she droped the bomb on me " i dont' know if i'm in love with you any more" i found out about the OG later. i have since quiet my job, partilly because of her and partially because my job was leading me to a life i did not want.

so now we are working on us. keep you fingers crossed that she can find that loving feeling again.

Can love be restored? Yes.

Read the material on this site about Plan A. That's what you need to do.

What is an affair is the question you've asked on another thread. A physical affair obviously means sex although Bill Clinton tried some creative redefinition. A One Night Stand with someone you never see again is probably not an A as such.

An emotional affair is a romantic relationship that doesn't include sex. Key elements in a romantic relationship are: spending large amounts of time together, telling someone how much you like them and otherwise expressing affection, communicating frequently, touching etc.

An alternative definition is that an EA is any relationship with someone of the opposite sex that your spouse isn't comfortable with. It's possible to have opposite sex friends, if boundaries are kept, but in this case they obviously haven't been kept. Kissing is absolutely right out!

Meeting the other person's most important Emotional Needs as defined by Dr Harley is the key to being in love and staying in love.

It's also what makes people love someone else - when that person is meeting their needs and you're not.

Questions for you: (1) does your W accept that this relationship is more than friendship and ought to end and (2) does she want to save the marriage and work with you on it?

BTW don't take what she says about not loving you too seriously. Everyone who has any sort of affair says this.

Plan A is the short answer.

Hi SC,

Your wife (W) is having an emotional affair (EA) and your marriage is in crisis. Right now your W believes she is in love with this OM - this is where "I'm not in love with you anymore" comes from. He was fulfilling her most important needs and you were not.

EA is just as critical as PA; you can recover from either.

Other people will tell you about reading the book "Surviving an Affair", Plan A and emotional needs (EA). These are very important. You can find out about Plan A and EN on this website; it sounds like you have already been doing your own Plan A. "Surviving an Affair" is an easy (and very comforting) read … especially when you read your situation in there.

Among all other things, try to make it safe for W to talk with you. If you get furious and lash out at her over details of the affair (A), she is not likely to be honest with you about how far it has gone.

I just wanted to let you know that eventually the pain will pass. You are 3 weeks into this, so you already know it's a rollercoaster-ride. I'm almost 4 months in; there is some pain and doubt left … but it’s bearable now (nothing like at first) ... for the most part we are happy and getting better.

Is your W willing to end her A?

Who is OM? Is he married as well?

Recovery cannot begin until the A is over and there is absolutely NO CONTACT with OM. Right now, your W may not be willing to give up the OM.

Good luck and keep posting.

we talked last night and she said that she would not see him, but the problem is that she works with him. she is trying to get a promotion in an other area of her work and even i realize that he is a great contact for her.

you know it is funny. before this incident i could honestly say that i was afraid of no man on this planet. but this guy scares the **** out of me( sorry if you not aloud to cuss on here).

what do i do about him? should i confront him? my wife is worried that i know so much about him. i know his name, phone# and where he works. i am not a violent man, and i dont want to push my wife farther away from me, but every thing i was ever taught was to fight for what i want. I WANT MY WIFE! and this ******* (once again sorry) is hindering our recovery.

we are going into counciling, she has already started. we are at the point where we can talk about some of these things.

she has had a lot of emotional issues lately, not just with me. It is my hope that as she works throw tthese issues and has help resolving her problems with here parents (who are getting divorced) her sister (who has been a constant pain for her) and her work (which until recently has been a huge disappointment) she will see that she still does infact love me and that i can and will give her the emotional needs she needs.

she keeps telling me that i can talk the talk but i have to walk the walk. and that she is so emotionally numb to everything except the OM. I truly am terrified.

quote...
"we talked last night and she said that she would not see him, but the problem is that she works with him."

So she can't avoid seeing him. She has hurt you and needs to reassure you that you can trust her. This is her responsibility to you and to the marriage.

quote...
"what do i do about him? should i confront him? my wife is worried that i know so much about him. i know his name, phone# and where he works. i am not a violent man, and i dont want to push my wife farther away from me..."

Is he married? I don't think confronting him is a good idea but discussing the matter with others who may have influence could be useful. His W if he has one deserves to know. If the relationship really has ended then there's no need.

If this OM is a superior their relationship may breach company policy. If it does then a letter to the personel department is a possibility. Any contact needs to stress that you're trying to save your marriage, not to hurt your W or the OM. But boy will it make them angry! On the other hand it would make continuing the A much harder and evidence from those who've taken such action is that the anger passes quickly.

quote...
"we are going into counciling, she has already started."

Suggest you look at the part of this site about choosing a marriage counsellor. Many of them are not pro-marriage but neutral. Individual counselling, which is what most of them are trained for is very different from marriage counselling. The wrong counsellor can be a disaster and statistically more people think that the counselling did harm than think it did good.

quote...
"we are at the point where we can talk about some of these things."

Good, but don't pay too much attention to what she says. People in the grip of an affair will say all sorts of things. Including that they don't love you and possibly even that they never did. It's fog talk and cannot be relied upon.

quote...
"she has had a lot of emotional issues lately, not just with me. It is my hope that as she works throw tthese issues and has help resolving her problems with here parents (who are getting divorced) her sister (who has been a constant pain for her) and her work (which until recently has been a huge disappointment)..."

These are obviously factors that are out of your hands. But she's managed to have a satisfactory relationship with the OM in spite of them, so why not with you?

quote...
"she keeps telling me that i can talk the talk but i have to walk the walk."

Or maybe walk the talk? Sorry, I find it hard to take this sort of management speak seriously. Also in terms of commitment to your marriage which of you is it that hasn't walked the walk?

She needs to take a reality check here. She's the one who's found comfort outside the marriage.

Sounds almost like she's saying the affair is your fault! You can accept 50% responsibility for the state of the marriage but whatever the problems an affair wasn't the answer and she must accpet 100% responsibility for the affair!

quote...
"and that she is so emotionally numb to everything except the OM."

You must make sure to tell her how much this other relationship has hurt you. She probably didn't give your feelings a thought. It would not surprise me if this other relationship has gone further than she has admitted. Nor that she's still seeing him and trying to organise things so that she can continue to do so.

quote...
"I truly am terrified."

Have you read about Plan A? This is a very difficult time for you and you might even consider seeing your doctor about taking something to help you cope with the stress.

<small>[ January 22, 2004, 04:13 AM: Message edited by: lovesaved ]</small>