**Thought I should start a new thread ...

She has started to see OM again.

Recap: My WW has been seeing a very good councilor, one on one, discussing issues about herself. It has almost always been a very emotional session for her, as my WW faces issues about herself. In the mean time, I stayed in the background, trying to be as supportive as possible, waiting for the time that we can move forward with MC. There was no (I’m fairly sure) contact with OM from Sept to Jan. There were days that were fantastic, and I felt so close to her. I felt that there may be a chance to save our marriage.

There were however, first infrequent, behaviors that started to make me suspicious again. You should be able to trust your spouse 100%. After being burned by a 4 year affair, I once again initiated some surveillance, hoping that I’m just being paranoid. Fast forward a few weeks to last week, when I was sure they were going to meet last Saturday morning while I was out skiing with the kids. I couldn’t let that happen, so I left her a letter Saturday morning detailing my suspicions and requests that if I’m correct, please don’t go. Please stay and concentrate on working with professionals, towards a conclusion. If it doesn’t work, then at least we tried. We discussed the note later in the day. She denied that she was going over. She did admit that she had seen him a few times, but only to talk. I once again asked her to stop seeing him, and start seeing an MC. She said she would, but she seemed so insincere. I was still suspicious. (Life can really suck…)

This Sunday morning in the kitchen I gave her a big hug. During the hug, she said “you must be disappointed in me..”. It DID seem sincere, but my gut says there’s more. Then comes Monday morning. **NOTE: I’m not proud of doing this. I had a gut feeling that she was going to see him Monday morning. I rented a van with the intention of following her (sounds crazy – I know). She called my on my cell shortly before she left, I can only assume to determine where I was. She says she was going to go shopping after she drops off our youngest daughter. Once she left the school, I followed in the rented van. She did not go to any mall. She eventually made it to an apartment building, the OM’s home. This confirmation just kills me. As I pull away, she waves at the van, indicating that she must know she was followed. I called my sister in-law, who is my only support. I paged my wife to call me, but by the time she returned the call, I was to upset to talk. I drove around randomly for a while, all the time balling (I know, not very masculine). Eventually I went home and packed a bag, just in case. I then went to the councilor’s office, but she was out until Tue. I left a sealed envelope for her to call me ASAP (my call for help).

I eventually ended up at a local library, where I could think in a quiet environment. I had intended to access the MB site from there, but was still too emotional to compose anything that would make sense. Lunch and a walk in the cold air helped. I eventually dropped off the rented van, and called my WW that I was coming home to talk. She had tried to call for hours, but I had my cell OFF.

When I got home, I could tell she had been crying. But for who, I can not tell. She was not remorseful. She says that she only went over to his apartment to personally tell him that she was going to MC and that she could not see him now. I personally do not believe this. She again, denied anything other then talking was happening. I asked her to write / call right then to issue a no contact agreement with OM. She refused, saying it was not necessary, but did agree to see MC, as she did last Saturday. The remainder of the day with the kids (once home from school) was much better. Boy was I dead tired from one of the worst emotional days of my life (the worst was initial discovery).

I have an appointment with my WW councilor tonight. I also had too talk to my boss about my problems (my work was suffering). He was very supportive, revealing to me that he went through something similar. He is going to get our HR department to help with MC through corporate benefits. So things are starting to move forward, but to what end, I do not know.

I personally feel that my WW has now agreed to see MC not for her self, but more for me to realize that things can’t be repaired. And that may be the case. What I need to do is somehow ensure that she enters MC with an OPEN mind, and NC with OM. That’s the only way it would work.

As someone from this board mentioned before, by me NOT talking openly and often about my feelings, I’m was being dishonest about the relationship. And I’m guilty of that.

OTHER INFORMATION:
1) OM apparently left his wife summer 2003. I can only assume that he did this as part of a plan with my WW.
2) My WW (after D-Day) had said that she had made a commitment to OM. In other words, how can she come back to me, if it was her that made OM leave his wife??
3) I have not spoke to OM wife yet, as it really doesn’t matter now.
4) Apparently, more people know about relationship with OM then I thought (her work).

Any words of wisdom are always greatly appreciated.

i wish i had some great advice to give you. i will leave that to the others. but i did want to tell you how impressed i am with how you are handling the situation. i just read your other post. from my perspective, you are a warm, caring, patient, loving person. i hope you can take some comfort in that.

every situation is so unique, i am a WS, reading your pain has left me with an extremely sick stomach. i have not yet told my H. the A has ended, i have stopped all contact. i so desperately want to just have it be erased so my H does not have to go thru the pain you have described. i know others will say i just don't want to have to see his pain and that i am being unfair and disrespectful.

in any case, i just wanted to tell you, my heart goes out to you. good luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by suckerpunchedat42:
<strong> 2) My WW (after D-Day) had said that she had made a commitment to OM. In other words, how can she come back to me, if it was her that made OM leave his wife??
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love this goofy thinking!! It's a laugh a minute courtesy of the wayward spouses!

Doesn't she have a commitment to her husband? Aren't the marriage vows a commitment? Of course they are!

She needs to get serious about recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I personally feel that my WW has now agreed to see MC not for her self, but more for me to realize that things can’t be repaired. And that may be the case. What I need to do is somehow ensure that she enters MC with an OPEN mind, and NC with OM. That’s the only way it would work."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Usually when a WS agrees to MC while still having contact with the OP, it is just to appease his/her conscience that he/she tried to save the marriage but it was a lost cause. Well of course under those conditions saving the marriage is a lost cause because from the very start the WS has NO committment whatsoever to do everything to save the marriage. It is a sham plain and simple.

My advice is for you to approach your WW and calmly, respectfully and quietly convey to her that until she has totally ended all contact with the OM, that it is absolutely pointless to continue with MC. Express to her that you would be more than happy to go back to MC with her but not under the present situation. Don't say anything more, and just leave her to think things through. Hopefully you will have drove the point home to her that you are not going to play this charade of hers to save the marriage.