The following is a letter I found, written by my husband to a woman who he met on business trip.
Would like some unbiased opinions on whether my marriage is over or whether there is something worth saving....

Hi,

As I look back over the last 7 months, I feel
like it's a good time for me to relate the evolution of my feelings, as I continue to try to understand everything from my point of view.

My first wife was a good person and I was looking forward to having children with her. She became pregnant, but early on in the pregnancy, she lost the child. It was a difficult time and I tried to be very supportive. However, something changed and I'll never understand it. She decided that I drank too much, that I would be a terrible father and she didn't want to have children with me. That was devastating. I knew she was affected badly from having grown up with an alcoholic dad, who could become quite mean. She always had a little trouble with my drinking, but I never thought I drank too much, and I certainly wasn't a mean drunk. The idea of going on in the marriage without ever having kids was not acceptable. We went to marriage counseler but it became evident she wasn't going to change her mind and if I was going to have kids, I'd have to go elsewhere.

Somewhere in that time frame, I met Gwen,
Almost immediately, I experienced feelings I never
knew existed. I fell completely in love with her. It didn't matter what we were doing, we could always laugh together, we would share our thoughts and feelings, we could talk about anything and we would always want to be together. There's something to be said about being around someone that always makes you feel good about yourself.

There were two major problems. First, she was married, and even though it wasn't the best of
marriages, she felt a sufficient amount of commitment to keep it going. Secondly, she didn't want to have kids. Her brother was autistic and she was always afraid of that potential for her own kids. Well, after a couple of years of wonderful closeness, I had to move on if I was to get married and have kids. I met a good person, Sally, someone who hadn't been married before, someone that wanted kids
and someone who had a nice, close family. Just before I asked Sally to marry me, I went to Gwen one last time. As much as I wanted kids, I was willing to give up that prospect in order to be married to her. It was an emotional moment for both of us, but a part of my love for Gwen was her morality, the morality of a person who couldn't abandon a marriage, and it was that morality that doomed any possibilities.

I certainly found love with my children, and
though not the same as a loving relationship with an adult, it obviously is so very fulfilling. Each is a unique treasure that gives me so much pleasure.

Emotionally, everything was going at a nice
steady level until I met you. Out of the blue, I was overwhelmed with feelings I knew very well. It was wonderful being with you, but my feelings were so out of proportion to the amount of time we spent together.
My mind began racing so very fast. I knew the
reality of the situation then and I still know the
reality now. At the time, I didn't know what
direction to take, and at that time a poem came out. When I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to you, I went ahead and found your email address (it was quite a challenge) to write you, to go somewhere with the emotions that had taken hold of me. I was trying to express my feelings and I was trying not to make you uncomfortable with any of it. It was very awkward and unpredictable. A lot of me and my emotions were tangled up, and I'm not quite sure what I was writing
and how you were taking it. I would send something to you and then think how you must have thought I was a nut. I was always thankful that you seemed to understand and just went with the flow, letting me go in whatever direction was coming out.

I knew what my emotions were then, and without really knowing you, I made a lot of assumptions as to what type of person you are. As I think of it now, I must have made some internal connection between you and Gwen and just assumed you were like her. And I can honestly say, everything additional I've learned about you thru your writings has never contradicted my
initial assumptions. Something about you made a
connection with my soul and I'm grateful for that and any further communications.

What started out as a bonfire, hot and blowing every which-way, is now just burning embers. It's now an under control, nice feeling. I'm extremely grateful that you allow me to work things out with these kind of writings, and hopefully, this will be the last of my need to re-visit the past. It's not that I mind talking about any part of my past, it's just that I'm
a bit uncomfortable with the NEED to do it.

I like hearing from you, the nice everyday sort of things and I hope you like hearing about my everyday things. Not too many everyday things in this writing, but I'll do better next time. I wish you the best.

Devastation101,

Every marriage has the potential to become great. one can find evidence of that fact by reading so many of the stories here.

from what i can guess by trying to put together the pieces together, you are Sally?? and that you accepted the proposal without probably knowing anything about Gwen. And that you now have children? what is your perspective of how your marriage has been? filling in some of the details will allow people here to give better advice to you.

this site is a great site full of so much information. so much to read and learn. i think the best advice might be to say to start by focusing on your role in how your marriage is doing. i am in no way implying that you are at fault for your H choice to have this relationship with this woman. That is 100% his action.

i can imagine your emotions are a mess right now. i am sorry for your pain. good luck

Dear D101,

I'm so sorry that you had to find that letter. Was it addressed to someone? It sounds obvious that your H dabbles in a little more than business when he's out of town. It also sounds like he thinks it's quite normal to do so. He has one foot in the marriage and the other looking for new possibilities that might make him happier than he feels now. I wanted to add the "with you" to the end of that, but that's not the truth. The truth is just the way I ended it. Many men of this type feel that there is a woman out there who is going to make them feel perfectly complete. They don't realize that this is not the job of a spouse and that the woman does not exist. It is usually the result of childhood troubles...probably coincides with his drinking.

I don't believe that your marriage is over by any means, if you are happy and want to work through this. He sounds as though he's actually saying goodbye to this woman in my opinion. It would be easy for you to say goodbye now and you have the right to do so. Don't do it just because you can though. If you want to fight for your marriage and if you are willing to stand by your H's side as he battles his personal demons, this can have a happy ending in the long run.

He has some serious work to do. He needs to come clean with you in EVERY way. You need the absolute truth from him in order to recover the marriage. He can't hold on to some of it....it keeps that private life open and in fantasy land. It has to come into the light of day so he can see what it is doing to his family. He may feel that he can handle both, but in reality his family and his marriage are suffering from his infidelity...even if he is only emotionally involved with this woman.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. If it were me, I guess I'd ask him if he has cheated on you. You have the letter, see how honest he's going to be. If he says no, then tell him you have some pretty obvious evidence and see if he comes clean. It will give you some idea of how honest he's going to be. If he doesn't then show him the evidence and tell him you want the WHOLE TRUTH this time. No more lies.

Maybe he wants to be found out. How old is he? Many men around the age of 40 to 50 get tired of their own behavior of this type and they are ready to really change. They aren't as motivated to keep up the behavior and it loses it's allure. They are tired of the teenage men that they are and are ready to grow up.

I'm so sorry for your pain...you must feel like you are dying inside! Read my signature line...I've been there!

Stillwed

Just a little more info, yes I am "Sally", we have three young children together. Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs, and its like we lost each other because we were so busy raising our kids - we had nothing left for each other. Probably about 4 months ago, it dawned on me how non-communicative, and pretty much were just being roommates. Well we started some talks and he told me about the "penpal" he had, he swears it was never physical, she is just someone he can talk to. Well I've read a few emails from him to her and he seems to be interested in alot more than friendship, she on the other hand seems to be just friendly, letting him get everything off his chest. In some respects I am glad that I read the letter while the other part of me just wants to die it hurts so much..its tough trying to hide that type of devastation. He knows I am upset about something and says he will help me in any way he can. I can't really guage his response if I told him I read the letter. I could see him being very angry and saying that I betrayed his trust by reading his personal email. Still don't know what I want to do.

About the only thing "private" in a marriage should be your bathroom time! He shouldn't be offended that you read that letter unless he has something to hide. You should tell him that you read it. Tell him that you couldn't imagine that he had anything to hide....why would he NOT want you to read a letter that he wrote to another woman unless there was something to hide.

Read everything on this website. Order the books. Read them together and find a good marriage counselor. If he isn't having a physical affair already, then he IS having an emotional affair and it can be just as devastating. There is an excellent book by Shirley Glass called Not Just Friends . She addresses what constitutes an emotional affair and he IS having one.

Did you know about his other stuff...like dating the married woman before? Those are things that you should have known too. If you didn't know about that then he's hiding stuff...you need to know.

A married man should not have another woman be "just someone he could talk to". It makes it impossible for him to really feel your love for him. She's taking your place emotionally. He's looking to her instead of you. That is not okay and he has to learn to protect that relationship with you and share his heart with you or other men ONLY.

Take care!

Stillwed

D101: Just to let you know, he can have those feelings for you, too. He jsut doesnt' right now. Many people had those kinds of feelings for someone, got married, and the feelings faded over time. In fact, this is the typical experience. Harley shows people how to get those feelings back...or how to get them if you never had them. Your biggest obstacle will be this relationship with another woman. When he is thinking and feeling the way he is about her, he may not be emotionally available to you. There are ways to deal with that. I really suggest reading "Surviving an Affair", by Harley, because it shows how to apply his principles to both emotional and physical affairs. I have not read Glass's book, but it is the only one besides his own that I have heard Harley praise - so I am guessing it is very good, too.

I would suggest that you click on the "Concepts" link at the top of this page and read through all of them. SAA will go into more detail, and offer specific advice about your situation, but most of what we needed to transform our marriage from terrible to really good is found in the basic concepts section of this web site.