My H found out about my affair 10/28/03, and we have been working toward recovery the last several weeks. I just happened upon this site, and was so thankful to find it! It helped so much, especially for my H. He is having a terrible time w/ the pain and disbelief. I feel like the worst person on earth for doing what I did. He is starting to feel more "at ease" in a way about the affair now, but his biggest concern is if there have ever been any more. I have denied this from day one, and I have been lying. I can't try to make excuses for any of it, I know I've done wrong and I need to pay the price. I've wanted so very much to have it all out on the table for a long time now, but it seems like every time I got up the nerve to tell him, there would be a fight and words would be said, and I would get scared. Since this all came about, my H has wanted every detail of my affair--# of times we had intercourse, what types of sex we had, how I liked it, how long it took, noises made, touches, etc. It has been very painful trying to be honest w/ him about all these things, and a very SLOW process, I will admit, b/c of me and my holding info back. I did not want to hurt him any more by giving him so much information, and to be honest, each time we went through it again, I felt like the horrible person I am, and he would tell me what he thought of me, and it would lead to awful words and me shutting down. I know I owe it to him to be totally honest, that is the plan to make recovery possible. And I want to, and I have been about this recent affair. I've told him everything I possible can remember and be honest. Now, I've got the horrible thing to tell him that I did it before, about 5 years ago. I am so afraid that it will be the straw to break the camels back, as they say. He keeps telling me that he won't leave me for anything in the past, but I really don't know if he can handle it. I am so scared. the truth is, I love him so much now, I have found something so special w/ him in the last couple months that we had not had in our entire marriage. I ordered the book, "Surving an Affair" and we both read it. My H actually read it in about 2 days. He said it helped alot. He has been so attentive and working so hard to try to get through this, and I love him so much for it. I never really dreamed he cared for me as much as he has shown me these last few months. I don't want to lose him. I want to work to be the most loving and faithful wife to him that has ever walked the face of the earth. I am just so afraid that he will walk and I will lose the only person that I should have ever allowed in my life. I guess I just needed to vent, b/c I have asked my mom to come tomorrow so I can take him to a motel and let him know it all and see what happens. I'm really scared, but I guess I'll deserve it if he leaves me. I just can't imagine my life w/out him, and I know that sounds very stupid, considering what I have done to jeopardize our lives. There are days when I just really want to die and make it all go away. I'm sure w/ those of you that are hurt, you are feeling like I should feel that way for what I've done. I know I don't have nearly the pain you betrayed spouses have had to deal with. I will never feel I am the victim---I know I am the one who chose to destroy. And I never dreamed, in a thousand years, I would be the one to stray...I am a terrible person. I just want the chance to show him how much I love him and want to make him happy, forever.
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WS - Me 39
BS - H 38
Married - 18 years in March
children - 3 wonderful boys, 15, 13, 10
What I want: My life back before I turned into a terrible, destroying person. I never DREAMED I would betray my husband! and then I did it twice.

I highly advice you to seek the services of an MB oriented professional like the Harley's (Steve and Jennifer) from theMarriage Builders Counseling Service. or Penny Tupy (our resident MB coach who goes by the handle of cerri and who hangs out over at the 'just found out' forum) the founder of Save Your Marriage Central. These proffesionals will not only give you much needed support but also help you formulate a marital recovery plan that will give your marriage the best chance to survive and rebuild from the ordeal of your affairs. Don't lose hope, you and your H are not alone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> each time we went through it again, I felt like the horrible person I am, and he would tell me what he thought of me, and it would lead to awful words and me shutting down. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's got to stop doing that, and you can show him this post and tell him I said so. He can ask questions - if they are to make your marriage better. Not to beat you over the head. Of course you are shutting down. I know how tempting it is, from his perspective, but he's got to stop.

W104

Oh dear!!

I think it so brave of you. Be aware, your news will be extremely hurtful. Be prepared to see some backsliding behavior on his part and some lashing out. I hope nothing physical - but certainy verbally and emotionally.

I suspect he will in most part feel like a chump and you've played him these past five years. The latest A will seem to him to be confirmation that you don't truly respect him, and you take him for granted.

I hope you have in mind how you are going to convince him otherwise.

At New Year's I told my WW that I wanted to move out. I just felt that we were not going to reestablish the intimate connection of a husband and wife, and largely because there was no effort to do so on her part. Words, yes there were plenty of those. But the actions of remore and reconciliation simply weren't there.

So, How are you going to demonstrate to him your sorrow and remorse? What are you going to do to make amends to your H?

Thank you for your responses. I'm still very scared. I love my H more than my own life. These past few months of working so hard to try to get through this have shown me so much of what he is that I never saw before. He has shown me so much love that I really don't deserve. We actually never really put much effort into our marriage. We were HS sweethearts and I never really had a boyfriend other than him. He is the only man I was ever with before we married and up until five years ago. He was the only man I ever wanted to be with and could not imagine being with someone intimately other than him. I want so much to make him happy. He has always been a lover of horses and I have always been pretty scared of them. I tried it in HS, but had a scary experience and lost my desire. Then after we got married, and the kids came along, I pretty much let it go. We went our separate ways, and I just told myself that I wasn't going to make an effort b/c he didn't make any effort to do the things I liked to do. Now, I am making an effort. I go w/ him to do his horse chores quite often. I know all the new colts by name and look, and I really enjoy spending time w/ him out there. We are talking about getting me riding this spring, and he says that would make him so happy. I miss him when we are apart--I feel like a part of me is gone. I can't express to him enough how horrible I feel for putting him through so much pain. I want so much for my life to be open and honest w/ him--I never want to have another secret from him again. I want him to feel safe and secure like he did before. I have lost the true respect he had for me before, and I know I can truly never have that back. But I want to make him feel comfortable and loved, and respected again. I will do what it takes to build that. I will also understand if he can't do it and needs to get out. I just want for him to be happy, and his heart to be happy. At this point, the love I feel for him again makes my heart smile, and I haven't felt that in a long time, if ever. And thank you to the response who suggested the marital counseling. I actually got on the system last night to look up how to schedule the appts. I will spend whatever it takes to try to make this work. He means the world to me. Thank you for your opinions, really. It's been a long night and I am only hoping that he will still be by my side tomorrow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a terrible person </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope not a terrible person. A person that made some terrible choices....BIG difference.

I am praying for you. I rarely post on adultery issues but your story and true repentance has touched my heart. I would encourage you to show him this post and suggest that he come here for help and counsel. Maybe if we all team up together we can work with you both. There is much help available here. I also suggest counseling from a pro-marriage counselor. God bless!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I will also understand if he can't do it and needs to get out. I just want for him to be happy, and his heart to be happy."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Drive this point home when you decide to tell him about your first affair 5 years ago. If he realizes that it is HIS CHOICE to either remain married to you or divorce you, then he won't feel pressured by you to make a choice which benefits you and not him. By freely chosing he takes ownership of his decision and will have a harder time trying to blame you for it.

Face your fears and you may find out that what you feared may not come to pass.

So sorry to hear this story. I have been struggling with how to forgive my wife's A. My life has been a total chaos since and it has affected all aspects of my "normal" existence. There are people in this forum with a lot of wisdom and who have been able to overcome both ends of the tragedy. My question to you, which is the same question I ask my WW, is if you love your husband, why did you fall into temptation, not once but twice? My wife says that she loves me, but her actions did not support that and when she says it the words ring hollow. I personally did not want to know every detail. Just knowing what transpired made me sick and I feel that knowing the details would bring constant images of them together, like a nightmare. We are all different and your husband may have different reactions. My suggestion is to seek individual counseling to pinpoint the reasons that led you astray and to remove that from your life, whatever that may be (childhood experiences, upbringing, frustrations, etc.).

the point is... it has nothing to do with the love towards a person's spouse and everything to do with the individual that choose to cheat.

I am the WW and I am just really starting to figure that out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi werone4 - i too am a ww and I wish you the best tonight - my prayers are with you - I have struggled with this myself - I had a short affair which came to light Oct. 12/03, I had another affair many years ago - actually a ONS 20 years ago which I have never told anyone and I have debated whether to tell my husband or not. I know I should - radical honesty but I too have been afraid of his reaction. I wish you all the best - please post tomorrow

Hi werone4 - i too am a ww and I wish you the best tonight - my prayers are with you - I have struggled with this myself - I had a short affair which came to light Oct. 12/03, I had another affair many years ago - actually a ONS 20 years ago which I have never told anyone and I have debated whether to tell my husband or not. I know I should - radical honesty but I too have been afraid of his reaction. I wish you all the best - please post tomorrow

Why Me: What does she mean when she says love? What do you mean? I would bet the answers to those two questions are different.

thinking of you werone04. I hope it went well.

Dear werone,

My thoughts were with you yesterday. As a FWW, I understand your fears. I was scared beyond belief to tell my H of A and that baby I was carrying was most likely an OC.

Whatever the outcome, you are doing the right thing. With this revelation, everything is out on the table. Radical Honesty is painful a lot of the time, but it's critical for true recovery and restoration.

The actual news you are giving him totally sucks, but in the end, the fact that YOU ARE giving it will go a long way to show you respect him and your M.

Take good care.

Thank you again for your well wishes on the events of the weekend. I did tell my H Fri night about the other affair. It hurt him terribly. The other A lasted about 2 yrs and it was w/ a man who my H had become friends w/ thru me. It was a co-w of my at the time. Fri night I really thought we were done. He said some things that really sounded like he would not, could not, deal w/ this one too. His thoughts have all changed from thinking I had gotten myself into a bad situation accidently w/ this most recent one, to more of he thinks now I was looking for it, or I possibly have some sort of draw or "need" have be with other men. I don't see it that way, but who am I to say. I'm the one who never in a million years thought I would betray him, I always thought if anyone strayed it would be him, just b/c of our HS relationship---and then I went and did it. I don't sit and think about being w/ other men. I didn't think it b/4 these 2 happened, I just was at a place where I had turned away from my H and blamed him for so many things, and held resentment for him for things that bothered me, and I was actually tellling myself at times that I didn't care if he was in my life or not. Maybe I am sick. He really fears that if he stays w/ me, I will continue to do this b/c it's just in me to betray and go looking elsewhere. I know I feel in my heart it is not. I can't explain what made me be so uncaring and destroying, and like he says, I did it so easily. It really did eat at me at the time. There were many times during the A that we would say we wouldn't do it anymore and not see eachother, or talk much, for long periods of time, and then we would go back. He is destroyed. I have taken any hope he had that I am a decent person and can really love him, and thrown it away. I have tried real hard over the weekend to express to him that I will do whatever it takes to make him feel that he can feel okay with me again, that I will be by his side through good times and bad until I die, and that I want to help him do what it takes to help get over the pain, but I don't know that he can do it. I feel so much better on the inside b/c I told him and it does not eat at me anymore, but I think this may be the breaking point. He told me last night he just doesn't think he can be comfortable w/ me, he is so scared that I will go and do it again, and I can respect that. I'd probably feel the same way. I know what I feel in my heart. I love him. I got caught up in some beliefs and actions that the people I worked w/ several years ago were living---that's what I believe, and I chose to make some very horrible decisions. I took total disregard for the man I promised to be faithful to and stay committed to forever, and I gave up all beliefs and values I had held for over 30 yrs. I am hoping to find out why I am such a miserable person. I need to know what made me make a complete turn around several yrs back and made me act like the horrible and disgusting person I was. I love my H with all my heart. I want so much to have him in my life, b/c w/out him, it really would be empty. He is such a wonderful man. He's caring, smart, giving, witty (prior to being torn apart), honest (like a saint), and handsome. He deserves to be happy and comfortable in his life. I am afraid that I can not do that for him anymore. I told him last night that if he didn't think he could do this right now b/c he does not feel I will be there for him through good and bad, then he should probably get out and make his life happy. I told him I would wait for him---if he decided that he might want to come back, I would still be here for him, no one else in my life. I would wait, and I would prove to him that I love him with all my heart. I hate myself for all this I have done. I truly am a horrible person and it's very hard to want to exist some days. I need for him to be okay and I need some way to help him not hurt so much. It kills me to see his pain. I really do appreciate your well wishes. The best to you in your days ahead as well. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can help him with this, please let us know. He really deserves so much.

TO John39,
You ask what do I mean when I say love? My H has asked me that several times, and he believes I really do not know the meaning. I know it means that you love unconditionally, thru it all; it's honesty, respect, caring, warmth, comfort,
support, understanding--it's giving of all of these things. And it's exactly what I haven't truly given my H in the past 6 years. He deserves all these things, and I now truly want to give him all of them, but I have probably ruined any chance of doing so. You can only push and destroy something so much, and at some point, it's gotta give, right? I know that deep in my heart, I want to give him all those things, forever, and never lose sight again of what he means to me, I feel it. But, he doesn't. He only feels pain, and sees the disgust of me, and it's very powerful and painful. I sicken him---I sicken me. I know there's a part of him that hates me and he wishes he could just walk away. He just may. That's what love is to me...and I didn't show him any or give him any for a long, long time.

Hello,

I think it was very brave of you to be honest with your husband the way you have. All I can say is that you need to give this time and then more time. The fact that this previous affair lasted 2 years is absolutlely crushing to him. He will be examining those two years thinking of the anniversaries you both shared and wondering how many times you were intimate with the OM and also intimate with him within the same time frame putting his health at risk. He will have lost the ability to understand what was real and unreal during these times with you.

I would suggest that you write him a letter everyday showing your feelings toward him. I think right now he is in shock and feels that that during those two years he failed in his comparison to the OM. Imagine what you would be needing from your husband if the roles would have been reversed. Remember right now your husband's self-esteem, ego and self-worth is shot and it will be up to you help him regain it. Your story is so sad because it is clear that you love him very much. Why is it that we seem to have the ability to destroy the very people who love us the most? I wish you luck.

It is very confusing for your husband as it has been for me. My WW was someone who used to say that she would never betray not even with her thoughts and would never accept or tolerate unfaithfulness. She saw that in her home growing up and used to say that the first time would be the last and would kick me out. Well, I never worried about what she said because in my mind and my heart it was always her inspite the fact that she betrayed me several times (EA only) while we were dating. To her those events were not important "because we were not married and do not count", but they hurt deeply. Now that she had a PA for several months, she claims she is sorry and want to be a good wife. She asks for forgiveness and I am so confused for all the events. She says she loves me but when the affair was going on and I did not know she told me she did not love me, that I would be better off with someone else, anything I did irritated her, to be married to a professional was a curse to her, etc. What is love? When you love someone, don't you think about their well-being and avoid anything that would trouble that person? Those are questions I ask myself. I have asked her, but she remains quiet and does not answer, what went through her mind the whole time and each time she was being unfaithful? I really wonder, what goes through the mind of an unfaithful spouse while trying to hide and lie about what is going on? I do not know if you have children. We have 3 small ones and I wonder, did she think of them? Did she stop to think how her actions may alter their lives? I have stayed home because I love them dearly and she asked me not to leave because they would miss me a lot since I am very involved in their activities. Also, she does not work (her choice) and does not have a degree or training to find a job to sustain the lifestyle she has. I am not criticizing you, I guess I am just venting seeing the similarity of the situations and what you say about your spouse is what she says about me. A word that never existed in my vocabulary and which I equated to the worst failure in life is divorse. I do not know if my WW used that information to act like she did because since I have forgiven her in the past and because I did not believe in divorse, she thought she had nothing to lose.

werone04 the fact that your H doesn't trust you that you won't have another affair in the future is a valid one. How do you address it? By explaining to him that ,unlike before, you now know what made your affairs possible:

1. The avoidance of conflict on your part to address the issues in your marriage that were causing you pain.

2. Not going to counseling with your H before your first affair and instead relying on a 'friend'.

3. The crossing of dangerous marital boundaries with a member of the opposite sex such as the expressing personal info to the OM that you wouldn't with your H, spending non business related time with OM, expressing each other's mutual attraction, and being dishonest with your H about your strong attraction to the OM.

4. Keeping your first affair a secret. If you had confess to your H shortly after you ended your first affair, the chances of you having your second affair would have severely and extremely diminished.

5. Not being totally accountable for your time and whereabouts and hiding cell phone and e-mail passwords from him.

Will he beleive you? Emotionally speaking, no he's not going to buy it BUT rationally speaking, yes he will accept it. Right now he is torn apart because on one side you have his Giver saying to him 'She could have taken the knowledge of her first affair to the grave yet she chose to tell you about it because she realized she was wrong to have withheld it from you. She has finally learned what caused her to have her affairs and she is now committed to avoid all of them and be the faithful and loving wife you married' and on the other side you have his Taker saying to him: 'She had plenty of time and opportunity to do what was right yet she chose for her own selfish reasons not to. She fooled you in beleiving that she was a faithful wife and during her affairs made your life unbearable by blaming you with everything wrong in her life. She's not going to change.'. Again express to him that as much as it would devastate you, that you would completely understand his decision to end the marriage right now. But no matter what his decision towards the marriage is, to please consider the idea of first trying to emotionally recover through counseling before he makes any life altering decision. You may want to consider conveying this to him in a letter because he might not be too receptive to your message if you are conveying it to him directly, and because after reading it, he will have time alone to reflect on it.

If you truly want to save and rebuild your marriage, you must NOT give in to hopelesness and despair. It's going to take TIME and PATIENCE on both your parts before marital recovery bears fruit. Recovery, personal and/or marital, is a one day a time process that cannot be rushed and one bad day should not be the reason to beleive that it's pointless to try. Remember that you and your H are not alone.

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>