I have been on the site as guest for a few months now and have found it to offer me some hope. Now I need some advice. My marriage has just blown up in my face and I am truly lost and alone. My W and I have struggled for a long time(past 10 years) with our marriage (married 14yrs) . We have one child. We have both been guilty of not showing affection and our intimacy has suffered because of it(Love Busters). For some reason i have felt uncomfortable being affectionate to her because I don't feel it is welcomed. There is alot of bitterness and resentment that has built up over time! Early in our marriage I made a career move that made her very angry. A decision I thought she supported. During that time I believe she had an afair with someone she worked with. She would never admit to it. But during an argument she once said that the relationship was never sexual. But then much later(years) she totaly denied it. As far as I was concerned, and to this day I still believe it happened. I tried to get my W to go to counseling but she refused. Fast forward to approximately 1 1/2 years ago. My wife starts working with a new man and they become fast friends, she works 3 weeks straight with him at one point and gushes about what a great guy he is, how intelligent and efficient. I start to become suspicious. Whenever she has to go out of town he goes whenever she attends a class locally he's in it. Whenever there is a leisure time recreation and I can't go guess who does. When we go out with her friends as a group he show's up without his W and the smile on her face when she see's him is the one that used to be just for me. As i said earlier there is much resentment and bitterness. in the past 6 months it has gotten worse. Back at the end of summer my W was out of town for over a week(yes he was there) and I was overwhelmed at home and needed her support. She called and shaid she might have to stay on to complete some business but could'nt decide what to do. I was furious that she even consider staying as she new how much was going on at home. I told her i would prefer she came home but it was her decision to make. She stayed. I have been angry ever since. Not openly I have just kept it inside. After that our relationship has been like two strangers living together. There has been no closeness or intimacy for 4 months. Like an idiot my way at getting back at her was to take my wedding ring off and just give up. Recently she was pulling away even further and i sensed that it was comming to a head. I was at the store and bought a card for her telling her that i was there for her and loved her very much. I placed it in her purse so she would find it the next day. Well the next day came and when I got home I got my ring back out and cleaned it and put it back on. It felt really good, like an old friend. When she got home I could tell she was upset and she said we had to talk. It didn't go well. She basically said that she couldn't stand it any longer she hated me and was moving out. She was confused about what she wanted and that being on her own was the only way. I asked if the OM was the problem and questioned whether or not there was a relationship. She denied it. I never yelled or sceemed i was calm but clearly distraught. Now I am lost. I was wrong for letting resentment and bitterness rule me to the point that it effected the way I treated her. I deeply love her and want her to stay. I am not sure if I am wrong about the OM. I have no evidence that anything is going on between her and the OM. What keeps me thinking that there is something between them is that she refuses to seek counseling. I forgot to mention we had an appointment to see a counseler but the trip she extended canceled it. She made the appointment for it. So here I sit today truly lost and alone my world has come crashing down on top of me. I knew what had to be done to fix things but i was paralyzed by fear and resentment. Now I am alone.

Hi lost & alone:

IMO, your wife is having an affair. I’m sorry, but your gut is probably right. From what you say, the time, opportunity and conditions for a full-blown A to develop have been more than sufficient.

That’s just my opinion and I could be wrong … but I don’t think so. You already know angry confrontations and/or pressuring her for info will serve no purpose (except for her to feel more justified in the A). You will get lots of good advice and support here.

At least you acknowledge you were neglectful. If you take the right steps, you and your wife will get through this (and be stronger for it). Your W’s (likely) relationship with her OM has almost no chance of surviving.

What about talking to the OM’s wife? You may find she knows more about this than you.

cpx.

Couldn't contacting her only serve to keep my wife from ever returning, especially if I am wrong and it really isn't anything. If its nothing it will get back to her and that will truly be the end.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost&alone:
<strong> Couldn't contacting her only serve to keep my wife from ever returning, especially if I am wrong and it really isn't anything. If its nothing it will get back to her and that will truly be the end. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If there is no A, then yes it could be a bad thing to contact this woman ... it will not reflect well on you but do you really think that alone would end your marriage? If there is an A, you will still get a very, very negative reaction from your W by contacting OMW.

Do you not have any way of knowing? Has your wife already left you?

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: cpx ]</small>

She is still here currently but only until she finds a place to live. She told me she was leaving wednesday night. She has said we would talk somemore this weekend. I am assuming its to work out the details of her departure. She has a friend that I also know that may be able to shed some light. I am frightened to death of screwing this up by prying.

Do not be afraid to pry and find out. Has she changed her dressing style? Does she seem more interested in her appearance? Are there times when she can not be reached or located? I would suggest that you follow your instincts and try to get evidence, if there is any.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost&alone:
<strong> She is still here currently but only until she finds a place to live. She told me she was leaving wednesday night. She has said we would talk somemore this weekend. I am assuming its to work out the details of her departure. She has a friend that I also know that may be able to shed some light. I am frightened to death of screwing this up by prying. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess you need to decide what you really have to lose and gain by snooping. Maybe right now you don’t need to know. You have been here for a few months so you know about “Plan A” and that is what you are doing? Maybe that is the best thing from now until Wednesday.

Snooping … I knew something was wrong, just like you. So I hacked my W’s email where I found the letters. She was furious and couldn’t believe that I could do such a deplorable thing. The fact that she had slept with a married man was not the issue to her …

Eventually that passed … she realized that my snooping got her A out in the open, ended it, and was the first step in our recovery. She sees now (only 3.5 months later) it was quite understandable.

I can’t say the same thing will happen for you, but that’s just my story with it. The difference there is that I didn’t involve any other people.

If that person is a good, trusted friend to you … then ask them. If they are more loyal to your W, there is no point at all. But this friend is a better place to start then the guy’s wife.

Also, if you really feel like you are coming apart then you should go to a Marriage Counselor on your own ASAP. Make the appt right now. It will be a great help for you, and also (perhaps) be seen as a good gesture by your W.

cpx

She has always been interested in her appearance so nothing new there. The only real change is we used to go shopping together for various stuff. We would always go together. Now we never do. But that could be because she is so angry with me she does not want to be around me which is very true. I will continue to seek information before i go to the OMW

cpx I approached wednesday night fully knowing what Plan A was all about. After I asked the question again about the A and she denied it, I went on to explain that I was't filling her emotional needs and she was seeking that fulfillment with him. I expressed again and again the need to go to counseling, which she will not, so I will be going on my own. As far is the friend is concerned she would be more loyal to my wife, however she has suffered the pain of her husband leaving for another women so I feel she would be honest and confidential.

Well it sounds like you know where you have gone wrong and you know what you are doing.

If your wife is having an A …

…In her mind she will emphasize the negative experiences with you in order to rationalize the A and go ahead with moving out. Therefore, give her no more ammunition. It sounds like you are there already – continue to be strong … no LBs, no lectures, no whining.

What about cell phone records, internet access at home?

I Have no way to check on cell phone its provided by her company. As far as the internet how would i go about doing that? I have been down this road before in a previous marriage and what i found then was so painful i don't know if I can go there again. This past weekend ther were no Love Buster's only lots of deposits made in the Love bank by me. The only thing is I don't know if the teller is accepting any deposits. My account may be closed.

....

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: cpx ]</small>

http://www.infidelitytoday.com/

You could call his wife and ask her if their relationship concerned her and let her know your wife is planning to leave.

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thanks for the information I will consider that plan of action very soon. As far as calling the wife I'm not ready to do that quite yet. I have contacted a counselor and will be seeing her soon. I am In a state of confusion right know and don't know what to think or do. She has not left and has not mentioned it again. We have been friendly to each other, we communicate, and I have continued to make as many deposits as I can in the LB. I hope and pray I can get her to stay and eventually to work towards a common goal. I know I am skating on thin ice and could fall in at any time. Thanks so much for your posts and concerns they have truly helped. I will keep you all advised of my situation.

I thik you will find the following Plan A links helpful in clarifying what you need to do: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What Are Plan A and Plan B? It's best to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor - one that understands the Plna A/Plan B program. There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

John I read it all and it does help. I am in a total state of confusion right now. A week ago she say's she is leaving, hates me, is confused not sure if marriage is worth saving. She is still here and not another word about it. We have fallen back into a routine like nothing ever happened. The only change has been I have shelfed my bitterness and resentment and have been completely available to her. I have been as affectionate as she will let me. We talk on the phone during the day. She often calls me to see what I am doing. She does not show affection toward me I have to initiate it. Some times I get so frustrated with the whole sitiuation I want to explode and just say "If you don't want to stay and work on this marriage then leave already, what are you waiting for" of course I know I can't do that but right now thats my state of mind. I want to tell her to please just finish breaking my heart so I can get on with my life.

Her vacillating is pretty normal,and reflects her reality. She is confused. The hardest part of Plan A is, I think (never did one myself...) managing your expectations, and not getting your hopes up too much when you see a response. It is pretty normal to have your Love Bank drain and your frustration level go up as time goes by, especially if you don't see much response - not to mention how discouraging that is. But even if you do get a response, the hope/despair cycle can kill you as the WS wavers between you and the OP. If it gets to the point that you actually WILL explode, it is time to go to Plan B to protect yourself. Don't undo your good Plan A work with a bunch of LB's at the end. It is really important to get the help of a ccounselor who understands this approach, mostly for encouragement and to keep you on track, and to help you decide when you can't go on, if it gets to that point. Plan A should have a time limit. Otherwise the emotional damage to the BS gets to be so great that they don't want to stay married anyway.

well I finally got an appointment with a counselor on wed. i was scared to death to bring it up to her but I finally did. I Told her I had made an appointment for both of us but that the counselor was aware that she may not attend. I went on to say that I would love to have her there but it was her decision. She asked me again what day it was. So I will provide her with directions and a map that day and will wait and see what happens. Other than that my emotions almost got the best of me this morning I was getting angrier by the minute slamming doors and drawers while getting ready for work, major frustration. I said nothing until I could get a hold of my emotions. I pleasantly told her I loved her and hoped she would have a good day. I have been a wreck all day and can't wait till my drive home when I can let the tears flow. This is becomming more difficult than I ever remembered.