I posted my story earlier in the day. One of the replies recommended reading Watts' advice post. It talked about snooping. Yesterday I went in my H's nightstand and found a piece of paper where he was writing his thoughts down. I just read one small part and put it back. What I read indicated that he wanted out of the marriage, but wanted to : minimize the pain, keep his relationship with our boys, and stay friends with me. I was feeling Ok until I read that. It totally bummed me out to know he seemed to be planning his exit.

The idea of reading more is too painful for me. Plus I'm not comfortable with snooping. I was just going to confront him with what I read and ask him to read me the rest. What do you think?

I have been reading everyone's posts and there is so much pain? Can someone please tell me what is so great about staying with someone who could hurt you so badly? Thanks!

Someone's capacity to hurt us is directly proportional to their importance to us emotionally. All human beings act with disregard to others, sometimes it is more pronounced than others.

If you are looking for someone who never ever will hurt you deeply, I wish you luck.

Of course I realize that no one is perfect, and when we love someone we also may get hurt. Love and forgiveness go hand in hand. However, I am still in the beginning phase of this whole thing and am still amazed that the man I have loved and totally trusted since 1977 could have brought such pain into our lives. And my situation isn't half as bad as some that I have read about on this site. So if I'm not feeling totally positive yet about the process of recovery I hope you'll understand. Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong>So if I'm not feeling totally positive yet about the process of recovery I hope you'll understand. Thanks! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hold on girl ... what are you talking about recovery ? ... Did I miss any posts ?.

You have to set your mind on fighting for your M ... do you want it ? You have the right to Dv him and start clean slate w/ someone ... is that you are looking for ?

Take 10 steps back and find out first what do you want to do. It is a 'coaster ride of your life ... is he worth the ride/fight ? There is no gurantee of your M could be salvage and could become fulling M beyond your expectation. As matter of fact ... We have more than 50% chance of Dv and even worst in here since BS comes here w/ a problem already.

You need to earn your way out if it comes to Dv and you owe it to yourself to try. Plan A is a very good place to begin regardless ot your decision. As matter of fact, it is easier to do plan A if you don't have any expectation at all about your M.

-rh-

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Snooping hurts emotionally, but it can help too. Your H is not trustworthy right now and you need to know the extent of the damage done to the marriage.

I would say that snooping is probably going to be the key to finding our how far this emotional affair has gone. Is there any way to find out if he's calling her at home when she's not at the office? Can you get his cell records? Find a way to track his e-mail if you can. My H had a secret e-mail account that I didn't know about and used it for his contact with the most recent OW.

I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt that he has not told her how he feels. He might say he was just attracted to her, but how can he be in love with her without her giving back something to the relationship? He probably just doesn't have the heart to tell you.

I have one friend who's H demanded a divorce and SWORE that he was not with anyone else. He got the divorce eventually, and married just months later...he was having an affair all along, but I doubt that he EVER confessed it.

The deaths and difficult times you talked about can be so stressful and can also be triggers for childhood wounds. We just realized two nights ago an interesting statistic in our situation. When my H was 15, his mother died after a 12-13 years of knowing she had a terminal cancer. According to our therapist, he stayed that age sexually and was still functioning there at age 44 (when he had his most recent affair)! We realized that he met me and fell instantly in love with me about a year after his mother died. He had his first affair about a year after his brother was murdered (after 10 years of marriage). He told me, we reconciled and he swore he'd never do it again, but at the time he was trying to leave me with 3 little kids, which if you'd known him would have shocked the daylights out of you! He was really a family man. He had his next situation just a year after his mother's sister died...he was very traumatized by her death because he didn't like her and she was very connected to his issues surrounding his mother. He went on having affairs every 3 to 5 years, either one at a time or in a series of 2 to 4 in a short time (usually after some major life event, like our son graduating from high school and then the next bunch just a couple months after the same son married). Then his mother's OTHER sister died...another bad connection and he had his final exit affair within a month of her death!!

His mother issues were HUGE...she dressed him as a girl until he was about three and this created some huge issues about being accepted for who he was even as an adult. She was on drugs for her cancer and for depression and would take too much and make a fool of herself. The sisters would come over and try and yell some sense into her. H didn't know who to side with, it really tore him up. I find it interesting that these main affairs took place after these powerful women died.

Anyway, there are a lot of reasons "why" your H might have found himself in this situation and even more so for him separating himself from you intimately and emotionally....regardless of whether or not he's having a full blown PA.

I hope you find some answers. I'm so sorry for your pain. If you can stick it out...a recovered marriage can be amazing! We are so happy now!

Stillwed

Thanks stillwed. Your sense that he has told her his feelings of course hurts. I realize that might very well be a possibility. Two weeks ago I saw her at church and went up to her, was very friendly, and (I don't think it was my imagination), she seemed to have trouble keeping eye contact. If nothing has been expressed why the guilty behavior?

I am still amazed that he has brought this poison into our marriage. Neither one of us has approved of affairs. Whatever he has done, the effect has been so damaging. I'm not sure I'd stick this out if I didn't have 2 teenage boys. In spite of H's behavior I do love him. But, as my therapist told me, I'm about 10 paces ahead of him psychologically right now. Do I want to be with someone who is this unconscious? Before he left for this trip he's on he told me he wanted to try. He left Wed. and has only called me once. What's that about? He knows the state of pain I've been in. I don't know this man. I guess that is where tha alien took over his body analogy applies.

I'm glad you have recovered. I can't imagine what you went through with numerous affairs. I am willing to do whatever it takes to recover. My boys have experienced a lot of loss this year. They don't need this on top of it. They are doing really well now. But I can't control what H chooses to do. Wow, I am definitely still in the disbelief stage. Is this really my life? Thanks again!

I STILL have days where I ask, "Is this really my life?" They just get further and further apart, but they are still there every once in awhile. At this point they are punctuated by days where I am amazed at what a wonderful life I have. That's how it goes...up and down, but isn't life pretty much like that anyway?

If he's using a cell phone to call home on this trip...I'd definitely check the call records when he gets home to see if he's called her. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best!

Stillwed

Concerning checking cell phone bills, I have a little problem there. First off, he switched cell phones with her because her plan has free long distance. Yeh, for all those phone calls I'm receiving, although he did call me yesterday. But even if he would have taken his phone it wouldn't have mattered. They are paid for by the business and she pays all of those bills. I never see them. So that's that. You know, even if he is telling the truth, it's so sad how one breach of trust erodes all trust. If in fact he has been trying to deny his feelings for a year and hasn't expressed them to her, he still concealed it all from me. So now I'm doubting everything. When he comes home I plan on confronting him about all my doubts and questions. He owes me the complete truth if he hasn't been honest yet. Whether I get it will be another story. Thanks again!