Ok guys...<P>I said I'd be moving into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> around the end of January or early February...<P>So I'm getting ready...<P>I have drafted my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter. I've borrowed heavily from the 'bible'(<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(page 80-81)</A>), and from "PLEASE HELP", "Rutger", "Chris", and "izzy"... all good examples I might add.<P>If anyone would <B>comment</B>, I would greatly appreciate it... Be as critical as you like... We've all learned how to accept criticism better I think. I have another month or so before I send it to my beloved, so I will be making a few more changes as things move on... but the bulk of what I want to say is here. Do pardon the "foriegn language"... we also speak Hungarian.<P>===========================================<BR>I have updated this <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter based on suggestions from <B>TCL</B> and <B>K</B> and others....<BR>Much thanks to all...<BR>To see the <B>updated</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter... click <A HREF="http://users.erols.com/herczeg/PlanB.html" TARGET=_blank>Here</A>. <P>===========================================<BR>Original draft...<P>Édes Angyalom, {Sweet Angel of mine,}<P>I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with <OM> possible. I apologize for the times I walked out of the house, for the night I did not come home, for promises not kept. I had said, in our talks, I was listening to your wants and needs, but I often left them unfulfilled and not the way you would have had me fulfill them. I just did not complete my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs; especially your need for loving attention. I diverted that attention to time spent with the children and church, when it should have been for you. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.<P>I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new and better life for both of us that will meet your needs. I have learned a lot about myself and where my weaknesses are. I have fervently been working to improve on those weaknesses. But I cannot fully create that new and better life for both of us, until you do one thing. Completely end your relationship with <OM> once and for all.<P>Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you, or talking to you, or communicating with you. I will also not be able to help you in any way financially. On visitation days, when <d> has dance, the boys will be ready and available at the library. The home will no longer be the point of pick-up and drop-off. On other days, you or I will take them to your mother's house or some other mutually agreed upon location. Visitation can and will always be as flexible as possible, but there will be no contact between us. If you want to communicate about the children or if you have any other urgent matter, you may call or send me e-mail. All relevant information (school, sports, whatever…) I will post onto my web home page for your review at any time. Only for the most urgent messages, will I call or send you e-mail.<P>I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the tremendous suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OM>, and I simply cannot be in contact with you, any longer, knowing that you and he are together. I still love you immensely. I'll always pray for you. But I cannot see you under these conditions anymore.<P>I will be willing to discuss our future together, as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from <OM> and are willing to accept the following measures to ensure total separation. Everything possible to avoid communications with <OM> will have to be established, including blocking of phone calls to his area code(s) and from his numbers. Computer monitoring will be established as before with no private e-mail accounts. And that monitoring will be made available to you too, since complete openness means you too should see all that I do on the computer as well. We will maintain very close contact with each other to account for our time apart. We will adjust our family budget and work on family finances together. We will spend as much leisure time together as is possible, and if that means my giving up much of my church organization time, so be it. I firmly believe that privacy isn't something that can improve our marriage. It's honesty and openness that can and will improve our marriage. I will be very happy to see the day you, as part of your separating from <OM>, say those words of "Hello…" again.<P>I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day to be something significantly better than ever before. I know it can be done! What others think is not important and will have no impact on our rebuilding! I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend as in the early days of our relationship and marriage. I want to be someone who is always there for you when you need me. I want you as my best friend, again. And I want again to be the dance partner of your life.<P>I truly believe in the expression "Isten Hozott"{God has brought you} as you came to me and I to you. I loved you before we married. I loved you during our marriage. And I continue to love you right up to this very day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are involved in any way with <OM>.<P>Isten áldjon meg Angyalom, {God bless you my angel,}<BR>Szeretettben, a Tiéd, {Lovingly Yours,}<P>Imi {Jim}<P>-------------------------------------------<P>There it is...<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 23, 1999).]

I hate expectations...<P>I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read the obvious devotion you have to your W. I wish my H had it for me. <P>The anger I've felt as I watched him move his things out of our home during this week before Christmas has been strong. How I wish he would just turn around and say one of the things you've said. All you ask is that she end the affair, and then she gets your entire loving self forever. I have ended it long ago...why can't he give me that, why couldn't he have fought for me, loved me back into his life...<P>I didn't think it would hurt this much. <P>Your letter is perfect, Jim.<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.<P>~John Lennon

Sheryl,<P>I feel so bad for you... <P>I can't give you the kind of consolation you need... but here's a few hugs anyway...<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Sheryl</B>}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Sheryl</B>}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Sheryl</B>}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Sheryl</B>}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Sheryl</B>}}}}}}}}}}<BR>... and more to come later... <P>Vent a little more...<BR>Get it out of you...<BR>Don't leave it bottled in you... please... <P>Hey... did you know...<BR><B>you're still loved here</B>?!<P>Thanks for your approval of letter...<BR>I'm looking for more criticism... (not a gluton for punishment... but I want it to get "right")<P>Jim<BR>

Jim, thanks you for all your encouragement that you have given to all of us in the email group.<BR>I wish i could relay all of those feelings to her, as I have read all of the plan b letters written. tears well up when i think of all the others pain- and yet, i feel like i sit in a pity pot half the time because of my life, mistakes, whatevr.<BR>i wouldn't change a thing- it read perfectly.

First of all, it reads pretty well. It may need some rewording but you need to decide that. Listen to advice from others here but you know your wife and situation better than anyone else so trust your own feelings. <P>Basic writing advice would say that you need to consider your audience and consider your purpose. I don't know your audience (wife) so can't speak about how she will read it. I do understand the purpose of Plan "B" letters. With that in mind, this is my advice. Ask yourself these questions about your letter:<P>1. Will she understand what you are saying? Will she understand you truly want her to come back to you?<BR>2. Will she misunderstand things you are saying? Will she think this is a goodbye letter?<BR>3. Will she understand your purpose? Will she realize that you must do this to protect your love for her and to preserve your sanity?<P>Keep these ideas in your head but put the letter on the shelf for a few days. Go back and read it with a critical eye and try and to understand how she will interpret what you say.<P>Good luck.

Jim, that's a great letter.<P>Beautifully written, concise, loving, yet firm. Textbook.<P>There ought to be a place on this site where these can be easily accessed.<P>I hope she wakes up.

Jim:<P>Hey, it's perfect .<P>But...<P>(you didn't think I'd let you off the hook)<P>1st paragraph:<BR>You should change the first sentence, and not make a direct reference to the affair. You want to apologize for your contributions to the poor state of your marriage. You should also reword the last sentence to not infer that the suffering you're both dealing with is only because of your mistake. You made plenty (mistakes...). And she has too. If I remember my plan B letter, the first paragraph started off with a statement of love, and belief in the marriage. Then it hightlighted mistakes.<P>2nd paragraph<BR>Good. You might want to highlight a detail or two of your plan A efforts. And you should eliminate the "disrespectful judgement" that states "I cannot fully create that new and better life for us...". You should word this as a "together" statement---for example:<P>"I really want to build a new marriage with you---one in which we both feel loved, safe, and cherished. But I can't continue my efforts in doing this while you are still involved with OM; it's become too painful..."<P>Paragraph 3:<BR>This is OK---however, I'm wondering about you pulling financial support. If your wife is working and she'll be reasonably OK, then it's appropriate. If she's not working---you should weigh the chance that she slaps you with a quick separation order to demand support. <P>Paragraph 4: Roll it into paragraph 3. And don't forget to mention that this separation is to preserve your love for her, and to give your marriage the best chance for reconciliation (you want her to KNOW that).<P>Paragraph 5: Ahhh-the demands list. Well-meaning, but get rid of it. Let her know that as soon as she permanently ends it with the OM, you'd be willing to discuss it. You could let her know that you have a good counselor (Steve Harley) who has a number of recommedations for ending an affair and recovering from it. But lighten up here, or she'll think that returning to the marriage means returning to Stalag 13.<P>Ending is great. <P>Steve would be happy to look it over for you too...

<B>Covenant</B>,<BR>Thank you for your kind words too..<BR>Your insight on the e-mail group is very meaningful to me. Hope I can help some more.<P><B>TCL</B><BR>Thank you... thank you... thank you... <BR>This is what I need and more!<BR>btw... are you an 'English' teacher?...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> You're right... first paragraph has nothing to do with her comming back... or me taking her back! (to be worked on... main idea!)<BR><LI> I need to make clear... therefore... this is <B>not</B> a goodbye letter...<BR><LI> Only the next to last paragraph strongly says... I want her back... yikes!!! I'll need to have that thoughout the letter!<BR><LI> I need to make more clear(concise) the concept of "protection of my love her"...<BR><LI> You bet I'll put it on the shelf... always review later too!<BR></OL><BR>Thanks again!!! <P><B>Dazed and Confused</B><BR>Thank you for the compliments...<BR>I'll try and bring up my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> ever now and then... but your right... things like sample letters should be available site-wide.<P><B>K</B><BR>I thought you'd see this...<BR>and hold nothing back... thank you too! <BR>You and TCL are making me happy... <BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Excellent ideas... to get the main idea of "marriage first"... "mistakes" later.<BR><LI> Thanks for catching the LB in paragraph 2... you know I miss alot of those...<BR><LI> Paragraph 3. she's working now...<BR><LI> Paragraph 4. OK!!!<BR><LI> Paragraph 5... <B>yep</B>... timing on this crucial... definitely something to talkover with Steve H. If you've ever seen my web page on reconciliation... there is an inkling of this in there <A HREF="http://users.erols.com/herczeg/Reconciliation.html" TARGET=_blank>Reconciliation</A> too... to get her to understand... things have to be different! Boy... a loved "Hogan's Heroes"... "... i know nothing..." LOL <BR></OL><BR>Thanks again!!! [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 22, 1999).]

Yeah, k is right. Leave out paragraph 5 about your "demands." Right now about the only demand you should make is she end it with om before you reconcile, etc.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Yes, I agree. Incorporate K's revisions, and it will be absolutely perfect!! Good job!

NSR, I only wish I knew how to EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE as you and so many others do! I admire how anger doesn't shine through your letter to her. I don't seem to know how to communicate without anger and hateful words. I am not religious AT ALL, but I do like to read all the advice you give so many here on the board. I just wanted to THANK YOU for that, you give without even knowing how much. Thank You....

Jim, <BR>Very good letter...I also think you should only make one request, that she end it with OM. When she does that, then you can work on the conditions. I read mine several times and revised it before sending. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Jim:<P>I looked at your reconciliation page. It's beautiful. But I would NEVER show it to your wife.<P>It's all I, I, I...<P>There are a million disrespectful judgements here, sprinkled with selfish demands... Wow---I imagine if I was your wife and I saw that, I'd want to kill you. I'm 99% sure that she'd see this and say "he just doesn't get it..."<P>You NEVER, EVER, EVER want to "educate" your wife, especially by direct lecturing.<P>Take this from an Ivy league Ph.D. who has done the experiment---it doesn't work.<P>I'd strongly urge you (again) to give Steve Harley a call and start counseling with him. Now---before you really go to Plan B. I have no doubt that you love your wife more than yourself---I think you just need to learn the behaviors to DEMONSTRATE this. Steve can be a great resource for you to work on learning these behavioral skills.

NSR.....remember me from parentsplace (bikermom)? Anyway I just wanted to let you know that the letter is great and the others made some wonderful suggestions to you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm still praying for you and light my candles everynight for all of us!

NSR,<P>Well, I liked you an awful lot before, but now that I have found out you are Hungarian...I like you even more!!!!!<P>Oneof my best friends is Hungarian and I have met his family from Pecs. I get a Hungarian Christmas Card every year. I have music:<P>Szep karacsonyej by Deak Tamas<BR>Magyar karacsony by Szolokay Sandor<BR>(I like the Christmas music)<BR>Kovacs Erzsi<BR>Solti Karoly - Magyar Notak<P>I also have a Hungarian cookbook too! I have numerous things from Hungary - feltwork, Herend pieces, the Herend crystal from Parad, a few pieces of Hollohaza and the colored glass (zsolnay?????). My friend's name is Iztvan - Steve. But, I can't drink the palasincta....UGHHHHH!!!!<P>OK< enough of that.<P>Your letter was really good. I agree with Dr. K's suggestions, though. I have not checked out the reconciliation site yet, though.<P>Keep the faith, friend. I am still pryaing for you....<P>Boldog karacsony (probably misspelled, but hopefully you know what I mean!)<P>Desiree<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Beautifully written....after K's suggested revisions...I think it will be perfect.

Wow... I overwhelmed by the responses...<P>Thanks everyone...<BR><B>Chris</B>... all my admiration,<BR><B>sidney</B>... I appreciated it,<BR><B>trying2_4give</B>...we can only receive.. if we give...<BR><B>sue</B>... thanks... have fun!!! please!!!<BR><B>K</B>...<B>again</B>... DR. LB... I love you! <BR><B>BigDog'sWife</B>... I remember... good hearing from you...<BR><B>Roll Me Away</B>... I will e-mail you about this... <BR><B>NoTrust</B>... thank you so much...<P><B>Yes... I am making an appointment with the Harley's tomorrow</B>... I am following my own advice... Imagine that! I knew you'd like that <B>K</B>!<P>You are <B>all</B> just plain incredible... <P>You will make my Christmas Day (first one without my kids)... so special... <P>Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you... May God keep you all safe under his wings of protection. <P>Jim

I dream of such a letter to be written to me. As I sit here in tears, I wish you the best. All of you here in the past two days have taught me so much!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."

Hi Jim,<P>I'd kill the LB's and demand and you've got a real winner here. You never cease to amaze me. I don't know why our W's can't see it.<P><BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim

Jim,<P>I can't ad anything to the others responces. I have a feeling I too will be writing on of these real soon.<P>Praying for us,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>