I desperately need help. I read all the Q&A columes and almost everything possible in your website, I still do not find an appropriate thing to do in my situation. Please help me and give me some solid advice.

About 2 weeks ago, my husband told me that he does not love me any more and he wants a seperation. I reacted normally, shocked, depressed and angry. Then he slept in the quest room. I tried to find some help in the internet, many advice to "agree" with him unconditinaly, magic will happen. I did so, he did not say a thing. But he acted very strangely, and I found that he is having an affair with one of his friends wife. He would go out and did not come home till late night, sometimes over night. My feeling is being hurt so badly. Tell me what to do, reveal it with him and negotiate(am I pushing him away by doing this?), or wait till it to die down, then work on the relation ship? My goal is to save the marriage. Plan A is for those who admit the affair and want to come back.

We've been married 14 years with 2 children. We did have some conflict, but I don't want to split up and break the family. I am reading and learning a lot and hope to renew our marriage into a good marriage.

Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Read the links below.

Start by telling his friend what is going on. A little light on the affair will help. Then try Plan A for awhile. It is miserable when you first find out, but stay here and things will get better.

lostnhurt...yes, you should confront your H about his affair. There is nothing to gain by suffering in silence. jmho If at all possible, do it as calmly and non-threatening as possible. Not an easy thing to do.

I agree with believer, the OW's spouse/SO should also be told.

It is best when confronting or telling someone else about their loved one's betrayal, that you have some sort of hard copy evidence (use only copies of same for proof, keep originals). Almost all betrayers will deny...even when it's in their face. Lies have become a part of their life and the lies have been working up to this point, it usually takes a bit for them to understand that lies will no longer allow them to avoid the truth. There is also a dollop of trying to "protect" from hurt the person who has discovered their betrayal...but mostly it is a form of self-protection and habit. Plus, we the betrayed so want to believe some of these lies...and the betrayer is very good at knowing what it is we want to hear, but if it isn't the truth...we must make clear that only the truth, no matter how hurtful must be told.

Once you and he can face the truth, then you can really began working to save your marriage. You can't do that while one of you is hiding, it takes two. It's not unusual for the betrayer to be very confused as to what they want (fence sitting) nor is it unusual for the betrayed to be unsure. This is a time to step back and not make any life changing decisions as this is crisis time and neither of you are in the best mental health to make those decisions which will last a life time.

Seek out professional PRO-marriage counseling, interview the counselors, explain what you want to acheive and ask how they would go about helping you.

Be careful about who you share this information with. Most of us need some support from family or friends, but we need the type of support which is non-judgemental of not only our WS (wayward spouse) but of our decision to work on our marriage (or not).

You and your H have a good histroy together and you've made a wonderful family. That is all in your favor. Also, most affairs do not end marriages, altho rebuilding is never easy and may not succeed, you and your H have a very real chance of putting your marriage onto a new and healthier path. You can choose to open up lines of communication and honesty, you can deal with issues large and small which each of you have been avoiding.

If you have a strong belief, visit your church of choice and ask for spiritual guidence and support. Most priest/preachers have some formal training in marital counseling. Pray, giving some of your burden over to He who can help.

Good Luck as you began your healing path. It is not an easy one, and there are many a stumbling block and pitfall ahead, but if you commit not only to your husband but to your marriage and the vows you spoke 14 years ago, you have a very good chance of finding the loving, honest, healthy marriage you can acheive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A is for those who admit the affair and want to come back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is incorrect. Plan A is a unilateral plan of action by you, without your husband's knowledge. It is a strategy to persuade the WS to end the affair. Though it is frequently ineffective by itself, it is very often effective when done well, and followed by Plan B. Please read the links I have below. There is additional information in the link in my signature line. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

To all friends out there, especially Just a Wife,

Thank you so much for all your advice. I read all the links. But I still don't know what exactly I need to do.

1. How do I start telling him about this affair calmly, I know that if I am not angry, then I will be crying. I am crying now. I need to know what to say and I feel like that my hand need to be held. I just told my sister, and I am going to talk to another firnd who is very understanding and supportive.

2. Should I call her husband? What should I say?

3. How do I tell my children? My daughter is 12, and she is very sensitive. I think that she knows and she acts so cranky now. She is taking the MEAP test now. At least I should talk to her after the test.

4. I am very very sad, lonely, devastaing, with many sleepless night. I lost 10 lbs in two weeks. Yet I work full time, and have to come home to take care of the children, try not to interupt their normal life. I prayed and prayed.

5. I am a church goer, but his not. Last Sunday, he told me nicely to go and he will stay home. When I came home, he's gone. I called him, he said that he is in the mall shopping. I knew that he was with her. I said that I will come to join you. He immediately said that he is leaving. Should I keep going to church or just stay home?

Thanks again.

Keep praying,a nd get some friends to pray with you and for you. Female friends. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that if I am not angry, then I will be crying. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So cry. Why should you protect him fromthe natural consequences of his actions? He is hurting you. Let him know. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I call her husband? What should I say? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. Tell him that you have discovered that his wife and your husband are having an affair, and if you were in his position, you would want to know. Tell him about this site. Tell him you are going to try to save your marriage, but that you cannot do much while the affair continues, and would like his help, if possible to get his wife to stop seeing him.

Personally, I'd go to church but that's just me.

LnH...I know this is a difficult thing to do, but you need to try and create an safe place for your H to be truthful. One without having to worry about being heard by DD (dear daughter) and one without other distractions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. How do I start telling him about this affair calmly, I know that if I am not angry, then I will be crying. I am crying now. I need to know what to say and I feel like that my hand need to be held. I just told my sister, and I am going to talk to another firnd who is very understanding and supportive.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The less you say the better. Yes, you will need to get your emotions under control as much as possible. Your H will not only not be listening to you if your emotions are out of control, but you will miss whatever he does say. We mishear a LOT under the best of conditions, and this isn't the best. If necessary, go see your doctor for some help. (ps...will discuss this more at the end of my reply.) Explain to him that ONLY the truth will help him in whatever his choices are to be. That this is his most powerful weapon and he needs to use it. Then just tell him you know. You don't need to tell him how you know...just stand firm on the fact that you know and you would like to have an honest discussion as to what his plans are for the future for his marriage and his family. Then BE SILENT!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2. Should I call her husband? What should I say?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said in my first reply, her spouse has the right to make his decisions based on the truth, just as you do. Depending on what type of proof you have, you may just want to give it to him (copies) and let him reach his on decision. Or you just call him up, tell him who you are and that your H is having an affair with his W. If he'd like more information you will be available to answer his questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. How do I tell my children? My daughter is 12, and she is very sensitive. I think that she knows and she acts so cranky now. She is taking the MEAP test now. At least I should talk to her after the test.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would NOT tell my children. They only need know at this point that mom and dad both love them and mom and dad are having some problems which have nothing to do with them. Give them the right to have their own emotional reaction, anger is perfectly normal...usually directed at which ever parent is still at home. BUT...do not let them abuse house rules. Be willing to listen, answer honestly as possible without bashing other parent and know that it is perfectly reasonable to tell them that some issues are private between you and their father and will not be discussed with them. (This may change if dad keeps his head in his @$$, but for now, you want to keep the children out of the stress of all this as much as possible considering the fact that dad is out of the house.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4. I am very very sad, lonely, devastaing, with many sleepless night. I lost 10 lbs in two weeks. Yet I work full time, and have to come home to take care of the children, try not to interupt their normal life. I prayed and prayed.

5. I am a church goer, but his not. Last Sunday, he told me nicely to go and he will stay home. When I came home, he's gone. I called him, he said that he is in the mall shopping. I knew that he was with her. I said that I will come to join you. He immediately said that he is leaving. Should I keep going to church or just stay home?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The betrayed "diet" is infamous! It works like no other. But do try and take care of yourself. Your stress level is high which leaves you open to many other illness. Beware. Being unable to sleep or developing night terrors is normal, too. See your doctor.

Yes, continue going to church. You need the spiritual support as well as the church family support. Talk to your preacher/priest!

To get back to the doctor issue...you need to go have a complete physical!!! (Sorry, this includes being tested for STD's as you have been exposed to other sexual partners, no way around this.) You need to discuss with your doctor if a short term treatment for depression is in order. It can help. It will NOT take away the pain, but it may give you just a little more time in which to learn how to control some of these emotions which you may have never had to deal with before. Most BS do take some form of anti-d's for some period of time during all this confusion. Seeing your family doctor should be high on your list of things to do right now. It's that important!

John39 and Just a Wife,

Thank you for your invaluable advice. I know that I need to talk to him and OW's husband now. But I need to layout a concrete plan for what to say. Another concern is that he does not respond to my question and just leave me alone(he is good at that), what do I do?

Do you think internal medicine Dr. can prscribe me the anti-depression drugs? Do I have to see a Pych?

I'll answer the easy question first: Your regular family doctor should be able to get you started on some anti-d's and since you need to see him/her for the physical that's your first stop. He may recommend some counseling, if so, be sure and tell him that you are wanting someone who can give you some options you may be overlooking, be non-judgemental, and pro-marriage.

Now for the harder one. To my way of thinking, if your H is unwilling to talk, there is little point in pushing. It will only cause resentment on his side and he may find a false sense of justifacation for his actions. And you will soon become frustrated and angrier then you already are when repeatingly banging your head against a stone wall. That however, doesn't mean that you shouldn't inform him that you know and that you want/need to talk about this. That it will not "just go away" because he's turning his back. That you are willing to listen (and wait if that is your choice).

You may well want to look over Plan A as it may be necessary to try this path. Many here will tell you that it can work for helping to end an affair and bring the WS back to the path of saving the marriage. It takes a lot of courage and strength and focus to do a really solid Plan A. So be sure you understand it before you attempt it. It is set up to help you deal with an on-going affair while avoiding damaging the marriage further on your side.

I am NOT the best one to advise when the affair is on-going. I didn't have to deal with this aspect, so am at times too hard nosed and inflexable. Hopefully those who have a good track record on how to use Plan A will chime in and help.

Good Luck!

I already made the appointment with MC. I will see a friend tonight to talk about how and when I should confront with him. I will post the result here after.

Please pray for me for wisdom, strength, and patience to deal with it. Thanks for all the help.

Today, my H told me that he will go to a party this evening himself, I know that he is with her and then he will stay late in the bar with his co-workers(?, I am not sure). His reason is that he will sacrifice tomorrow evening's super bowl party to go for a family sledding outing. I asked him to pick up our daughter at night from a party because I will have to stay home with my son. He said why can't you pick her up? I was hoping that he can pick her up and stay home.

Am I demanding? Do I create an unpleasant envirenment? I don't know how much I can ask by not being demanding.

Last night, I went out to a couple of friends for help. He took care of the children. I espress appreciation to him

He's gone since 2 pm yesterday. He shut off his cell phone. I am hurt. I want to cry and screm. Someone please help.

lostnhurt - Calm down, this is how it often goes. Keep reading about Plan A. That is where you should be right now.

Have you let the OW's H know what is going on? As soon as you can, do that. Now would be a good time because she has probably been gone too and made up some excuse to her H. But first you need to settle down and realize that this is a war you are fighting, not just one battle.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know how awful it feels, keep posting here and we will help you. Hugs from California.

Thank you believer.

I cried to a couple of my friends,and took a hot shower. It made me feel a little bit better. I haven't talk to OW's H yet. I realy don't know what and how to say it. It is painful and shameful.

It is not shameful for you. WH and OW are the shameful ones. The sooner you talk to him and expose the affair, the better.

My H's OW's husband was in the Navy when the A started. When he got home, my H told me that OW told her husband. Well I went over to his house to make sure. Guess what - he didn't know.

I just knocked on the door and asked him if I could speak to him a moment. He came out and I told him I was sorry to break the news to him, but his W and my H were having an affair. Since then he has been a great help to me.

So anyway the sooner you do this, the better. Her H needs to know, and putting some light on an A often ends it. So get your strength up and tell him. Don't worry about how you do it, just do it.

My H finally came home yesterday afternoon. But he went to sleep untill the time we had to go to sleding. He was so mean to the kids and they are not happy. D was crying to ask me whether we are going to divorcr. I told her that we are having problem, but we are working on it. I said you should express your feeling to your father. But she is so afraid, she never got any good answer from him. I guess that she had the same feeling as I do, we don't like his behavior, but we don't want to lose a family.

After coming back from sleding, H is watching super bowl. I tried to watch beside him. But he told me to go to sleep. He even comment that why did you do this earlier, he meant that it is too late for me to try this now. I even didn't have a chance to confront him.

Gathered courage to call OW's husband, but the line was busy whole day, I tried to call his work today, the line was busy too. It make me feel very strange. I will talk to Steve Harley tomorrow and see my Dr. tomorrow for anti-D, should I wait till tomorrow?

My H finally came home yesterday afternoon. But he went to sleep untill the time we had to go to sleding. He was so mean to the kids and they are not happy. D was crying to ask me whether we are going to divorcr. I told her that we are having problem, but we are working on it. I said you should express your feeling to your father. But she is so afraid, she never got any good answer from him. I guess that she had the same feeling as I do, we don't like his behavior, but we don't want to lose a family.

After coming back from sleding, H is watching super bowl. I tried to watch beside him. But he told me to go to sleep. He even comment that why didn't you do this earlier, he meant that it is too late for me to try this now. I even didn't have a chance to confront him.

Gathered courage to call OW's husband, but the line was busy whole day, I tried to call his work today, the line was busy too. It make me feel very strange. I will talk to Steve Harley tomorrow and see my Dr. tomorrow for anti-D, should I wait till tomorrow?

I finally talked to OW's husband. He confrimed that she was out Saturday. They must be together.

Lost...My WW had a PA with a friend of mine. Once I found out, I immediately contacted his wife. This took a couple of days for the same problem you had..a busy signal. Once I talked with her..it was just as Believer said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since then he has been a great help to me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">..she was the same with me. Not mad at me at all..just glad to be able to discuss the situation. When you speak with him it will help expose some of the lies that you are told as well as some of the lies that your WW and OW are telling each other.

Good Luck,
Karl

<small>[ February 02, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: KarlM ]</small>