wow where to start..my b/f of 5 yrs, had to return to his home state to take care of some business matters... since he was in between jobs, he stayed at a friends home, he has been away for 4 months.... well as u may imagine, they ended up together one evening (nice way of saying that)and she phoned me to tell me. We worked thru the issue, i thought, and i told him i could forgive him, and he promised it wouldnt happen again, but the problem is he cant forgive himself, and i spoke with him one day everything was fine... 2 days later i get an email saying he is breaking up with me, "saying he knows he could never be happy with me knowing the way he has hurt me" its been a week now, with no calls or response to my emails, a mutual friend of ours asked y we had broken up.... i did some soul shearching and i found that i didnt like what i have become..and ive hurt enough loved ones to last a life time.... I am hoping kayli will move on..and told the friend that he doesnt answer my emails becuz he doesnt want to give me false hopes... this is a man who would call me 4x a day and say he just called to hear my voice.... So i emailed him, and said i would give him some space.. and maybe one day we could go out on a date, or try again...

So i guess what i am looking for.. are the opinions of others.. y would he not be able to accept that i could 4give him? and push me away?

Kayli,

Your BF is babbling. He is trying to make himself look like the bad guy so he can blame you for the breakup. It is a clever attempt at making you the scape goat for the A. Imagine that, did you ever think your BF was capable of such low tactics? Well they certainly can be and it shows just how wicked their R is if he has to resort to those tactics.

So what are you to do? Take care of Kayli. I know this sounds silly but hear us out and then try it.

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.
3,. Read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs both by Dr W. Harley and if he is giving you a bad time. read Love must be Tough by Dr James Dobson.

4. Keep busy.
5. Learn to recognize your support groups. Each group does not have to know all. It c/b as close as a child, friend, pet, posting here on MB, good MC, family, co-worker, neighbor, etc.

6. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Right now your heart and mind are not in sync and this adds to your frustration.

Keep posting.
take care,
L.

I think you should let the guy go. I'd say differently if he were a husband and not a boyfriend, but I suspect even if you drag him back into this relationship, he's going to try to get away again. If you've been together for five years but aren't married, that suggests to me either you are both very young, or something was missing in your relationship that made one or both of you hesitant to commit to marriage.

It is good that you can forgive him. Forgiving him will help you let go. My hunch is that he doesn't really care whether you can forgive him or not-he wants out. He wants to be able to pursue other attractions and see where they lead him. His "saying he knows he could never be happy with me knowing the way he has hurt me" is his nice way of saying, "I want out!"

At least, that's my take on it.

thank you for your replies.... there is other info.to concider, he also has untreated depression, and has pushed me away in the past, only to call me up when the drepression lifts as if nothing ever happened..Just Dec. 20th he said no contact, and then within 2 weeks called me,and we had made plans for him to come back after his court in Feb... we have been together off and on in the past 5 yrs becuz he goes thru phases where he is convinced that we will never be happy together, this all started when his mother passed away a year into our relationship, at that time we were engaged to be married. He was in a nother state, and i could not be there for his mothers funeral, at the time his ex wife was there, and told him she wanted to work on their relationship.. he had a son, so he did go back and try, but it didnt work, so after 1 yr, they broke up and we tried again.. but i was full of anger and resentment from being dumped, so we also had issues then... I know this is a crazy story... he would come here,and the depression would set in or he would have to go back home for court.... but each time we would miss each other so much we would end up back in contact...so this is really a complicated mess!

p.s we are both in our 40's, tho at times i feel like he is emotionaly immature

I am happy today..."I emailed him today and told him i could give him some space to get his head straight" and that perhaps we had tried to jump too quickly back into our relationship, before we both had time to heal from the previous issues"

I had 3 emails from him... he said he wasnt saying goodbye for ever....Just until he gets him self together.....And in the meantime.... I will also work on getting myself together...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kayli:
<strong> I am happy today..."I emailed him today and told him i could give him some space to get his head straight" and that perhaps we had tried to jump too quickly back into our relationship, before we both had time to heal from the previous issues"

I had 3 emails from him... he said he wasnt saying goodbye for ever....Just until he gets him self together.....And in the meantime.... I will also work on getting myself together... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And is this okay with you? Because from what you have said, this is a pattern with him: breaking up with you and assuming you will be there when he is ready to get back together.

So let me ask you something-when you were a little girl dreaming of growing up and meeting a man you would fall in love with, is this what you dreamed of? A man who would date you for a while, then decide it wasn't going to work out, break up with you again, get back together, go to another state and sleep with another woman, etc? Or did you sort of get yourself into this situation bit by bit, like the proverbial nose of the camel in the tent?

You deserve better than this. Anybody does. You don't have to sit around waiting for him to come back. You are a free woman-you can date other people, you can make new friends, you can go on with your life and if there is no place in it for him when he wants back, well, that's the chance he took and the price he pays.

Read some of the stories on this board. There are good people who married other good people they had every reason to assume would be faithful who have been betrayed in horrible ways. If it can happen to them, why would you want to increase your chances of it happening to you by hanging in there with someone who has shown over and over he is not commited to you?

No, when i was a lil girl i dreamed that when i was a teen i would be asked out on dates, and one day fall in love, i live a town of @ 200 people up to the age of 43 Ive been asked out on 3 dates. the men who live here are married, drunks, or drug users..the one other b/f ive had dumped me after a 10 yr relationship when his father passed away.... he decided that "if he didnt love anyone it wouldnt hurt when they died" Before my current b/f's mother passed away he was every thing i had every dreamed of.. but thats when the depression set in for him.. I do not like the way things are now... and yes if i had the resources i would move some place with more people.... But I do love my b/f and I know that he needs help, and treatment for the depression.. If he doesnt seek treatment during this time he says he is getting his head together, that will be the end!

Kayli,
You've spent 5 years with your BF and you still call him immature. If you think you can change him and mold him into Mr. Mature after age 40 forget it. The older one gets the less likely they are to change. Don't become an adultery statistic like the rest of us. You describe the town that you live in as quite small with very few eligible bachelors. Are you holding on to this guy because you don't have faith that you'll find someone else so you just accept your BF and tolerate his behavior? If this is your main reason don't do this to your life. You may want to consider relocating to broaden your possibilities of meeting more people.

I know that you describe some emotional problems that your BF has but you can't help him. He needs professional help for his depression. Depression is usually treated long term. Are you willing to put your life on hold while he gets treatment? And since he isn't sure that he wants to be in a relationship with you, you may be wasting your time waiting for him. Sometimes love hurts.