I'm not sure where to start, but I need help, advice, anything.... Four years ago, my husband began a friendship with a co-worker. He left a note one day that said that his feelings for her had developed into more and thought that he might want to leave to be with her. He stayed. He and his friend decided that they should do the right thing, and he should stay with his family. End of story - wrong. Recently, my husband bumped into his friend and his feelings for her started again. This has all moved very quickly since then. Two days before Christmas he packed somethings and left to be with her. Then he decided to stay in a hotel for a few days to think. He came back home 1/7 and wanted to try marriage counseling. I had hope!! We talked to our minister two times and about this same time I began reading His needs, Her needs. As I read, it was like I was reading the story of my husband and me. I saw so clearly what went wrong and was so excited to share the book with my husband. He said he was willing to try and I just knew that we would survive this and be able to move on. Two days later, he left again. He told me he had to prove to himself that his feelings for his friend were an addiction. Said he needed time to think. Can you guess where he is staying?

I am so confused. One minute I have hope and the next I think it is over. I want to save my marriage. I love my husband. One minute he seems to genuinely care about how this is all effecting me, but then he leaves again. I don't know what to do.

Just a little back ground - we have been married for 11 years and dated 5 years before. My husband is the only man I have ever loved, he is my life. Our marriage has not been perfect, but there have never been any hugh problems until now. We have 2 children who miss their daddy. I try to stay strong for them, but I find myself falling apart. This is taking its toll both physically and emotionally. My husband and I have worked different shifts for years, and I truly believe that this has contributed to our problems tremendously. He still comes home every morning to help out with the kids until I get home from work. This makes it even more difficult because when I get home, he leaves to go be with her. He calls and emails which gives me hope, but yet he is with her. Am I insane for wanting my marriage to work out? What do I do??

Kris,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here under such painful circumstances.

As for what to do, you have a family and right now there is a lot for you to do for you and your family. The A is destined to doom but the WS and OP will squeeze every piece of life out of it . All the while dragging the family through your worst nightmare.

Given the above is a possibility, read the concepts section. Get ahold of the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. If you suspect your H will give you trouble (blame you for the A, withhold support from the family, abusive speech/actions, etc.) read the book Love Must be Tough by Dr James Dobson.

Learn about plan A vs plan B. Check out the separation vs divorce options in your area. Child support and alimony options also. Make sure you and the family are not in financial danger due to his stupid actions. The A makes the WS do crazy things. Never underestimate the wiles of a WS. Under the A influence, a WS can even steal the from the family for the A. Be careful.

Learn where your immediate and extended support groups reside. They can be as close as your children and here on MB. Your support groups don't need to know all. Reassure your children of your love for them. Don't make excuses or try to cover your H's absence. Children are not stupid. Don't exclude them.

Get with a good MC or call Steve, Jennifer or Cerri here at MB for phone counseling. It is expensive but worth it.

Take the Emotional Needs questionnaire for you and if your H won't take it, you take it from his perspective.

Keep posting here. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

take care,
L.

Kris,

Please read my post What should I do and the replys. Many advice help. I am in the same darkness as you are. My H is still living in the house and helps out with chores, like sending the kids to school, sheveling snow and taking out garbages. I did say thank you to him and showed my appreciation. But a lot of time, I am so depressed and sleeless. I can not concertrat at my work. I feel that this world is filled with hopeless darkness. But I do know that these are just my feelings, I have to overcome it and make myselg strong to win this battle. I am wih you and pray for you. Keep in touch with me.

Thanks L and lostandhurt for your replies. I have spent alot of time today reading different posts from this site. It is amazing how many people are going through the same thing. Just why is that? Why are our spouses drawn to other people? What happened to the sanctity of the marriage vows? Sorry, I'm rambling.

L - How can you be so sure that my husband's other relationship will not last? Just how long do I have to give him the time he wants to sort out his feelings? And just how much should I tell the kids (ages 8 & 5)? Right now we have told them that dad is confused about some things and needs to spend time away to think. My 8 year old is full of questions, but seems to accept the excuses and carries on. Wish I could do that.

My husband is home tonight. We all went out to eat to celebrate our son's birthday and the roads are getting bad from the snow so I suggested he stay. He said that he thought about doing that anyway. It feels good to have him here, but then I caught him calling his girlfriend to tell her he was staying "for the kids". It just threw it back in my face that he wasn't really here for me. I was hoping. I don't know what I expected. When we are together, I know he genuinely cares, but yet she is still lurking around. I just don't know what to think. I am so back and forth. One minute hopeful, the next down and depressed. Just how long do I do this??


My husband just came up to the bedroom and we talked for quite some time. Just like nothing is wrong. I just don't understand. How can he act like nothing is wrong and then leave our home to be with her? I think he is as confused as I am. But just how patient can I be? If he were staying with anyone but her I could fully support us being separated for awhile - I think it could do us both some good. It just drives me crazy that he comes and goes. Any suggestions on how to get him to stay?? Help!!

Kris,

You can't get him to stay. Letting him stay in the home while he is having an A is sending mixed signals and in many cases the WS takes this as a green light that the A is ok. YUCK! I am sure you don't want to be tricked into enabling the A, right?

Read the info I recommended. Know that you can't fix your H, he has to do that himself.

Be honest with your children. Even your 5 year old will have questions. Reassure them of your love and let your H explain his actions. When our son was 5 and his dad stepped out, he was told that his dad decided to leave the family (WS moved out for 5 months). Our son cried and said he couldn't go to school because no one would want him since he didn't have a dad. H bore the brunt of that pain. I had to watch and it was unbearable. We both reassured our son that his classmates would not hold that against him. Then I left the rest of the explanation up to the WS.

Later when our son would ask questions, I would give short answers and then direct him to his dad. I did not give all the answers. I did let him know what I could and always kept the lines of communication open. Even asked my cousin whose son was 1 year older if the boys could talk. They did. My cousin and her son went through a D and so getting both perspectives really helped us.

I know this is hard and you may not really understand why at this time but you need to realize you can't make your H do anything. Even if it is for his benefit. The A blocks the mind from logic. You will be highly frustrated if you try.

Hope this helps,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> L - How can you be so sure that my husband's other relationship will not last? Just how long do I have to give him the time he wants to sort out his feelings? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't be 100% sure. About 3% of affairs do last 5 years. About 35% of the time, the marriages survive (that's without MB-style help). Using MB principles considerably increases those odds for you, and gives you the opportunity and tools you need to do more than just survive. But even without MB, you have over 10 times the chance she does. No, it's not 100%, but the VAST majority of affairs end.

As for "giving him time" - don't look at it that way. Get a Plan. Plan A. I know I posted these links on Lost's thread, but here they are again, if you didn't read them (or even if you just want to reread them - sometimes that helps.): </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Chris,

Read John's link. It is very helpful. Even though not all the details are the same for each individual. You can work out a plan for you.

My H had been staying home every evening this week, even though I knew him that OW called and he called her. There may be a brief time he saw him. But I am going confront him very soon.

Let's hang on there. Keep praying.

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile. I have been busy reading - mainly here at the website. I just got SAA and have started reading that also.

H and I have been doing alot of talking and seems promising. H is still not at home, but I hope that will change soon. Trying not to get my hopes up too much. H says it has been nice being at home and I am excited. H has asked about website and wants to know what he could be reading to help him figure things out. He says he is confused on how he feels and doesn't really know what to say to let me know what he is feeling. I truly get a sense that he misses his family, but he wants to figure out what is going on inside him before he comes home. Any suggestions? I trying not to push him too much. I just am supportive and really want to help him. Thanks!

I just wanted to clarify - my H has not moved home, but he does still come home to help out with the kids and we have been spending time together.

Help!! Just when I thought things were getting better, they could not have gotten more complicated? The OW is pregnant - approximately 6 weeks along. The last few weeks my H and I have been getting so much closer and he said he was thinking of moving home. Then he found out about pregnacy. Says he loves me, and never meant to hurt anyone, and I believe him. Now what. I am so confused and the reality of the situation has not even began to sink in (I found out less than an hour ago.) Sad thing is I found myself comforting him and telling him we could handle this, but I'm not so sure. I love my husband, but his infidelity will never go away. We will always have a constant reminder. I don't know if or what I can handle. Any advise about others experiences would be helpful. How do I live with the fact that my son and daughter is going to have a new sibling, and I am not the mother? If things work out between my husband and me, will I be able to live with this new child and the OW forever? I can't comprehend this. I was having a hard enough time accepting his relationship with OW. I was even still stupid enough to think it was an EA. Now I find out that it not only was a PA, but there is a little souvenir to go along with it? HELP!!!