Two months ago my H confessed to an A with a co-worker.

Since then things have been up and down with some good days and some very bad days.

Soon after I found out about the affair, the OW sent me a letter apologizing for what had happened and telling me that she had really been in love with my husband.

Since then I have been dying to talk to her and getting a chance to tell her how I feel...

I haven't done it because my husband is begging me not to do it. He is afraid that she might not react very well to what I say and she will burst into tears or something and storm into his office crying and everyone might find out and he could loose his job....he says that because I am hurt I think I can do whatever I feel like doing without caring about anyone else.

Anyone has any advice for me?. I really want to talk to this woman...why? again, should I be the one to give up what I want because he made a mistake and didn't bother to think about the consequences.

Fvs,

Yes, definitely. Do what you need to do. You want to tell her how you feel, that much is clear. I know from experience that that's the only value in spouse/OP meetings.

You should *not* be the one to give up what you want because of your husband's mistake.

Feeling -

I would not talk to the OW. She has no reason to tell you the truth. She is going to tell you things that will probably make you feel worse. For instance, I made the mistake of speaking with the OW in my H's A. One conversation happened to enforce H's NC (she wouldn't stop calling him) and the other time she called me once I notified her H about the A. I heard the following:

*The A was all her fault. She chased after my H, put it "all" out there that no man could ever turn down. (This is funny since she is not attractive.)

*Then went on to say that she couldn't believe she was so stupid believing all of the stuff my H said to her. She asked me if I thought he really meant any of it. She started crying. (Told her he used the same lines with all of the OW's)

*Then the A was all my H's fault. He started it, he made it happen, etc. (Well...my H could not have had an A unless there was a willing participant!)

*I had no idea of the feelings that she and my H had for each other. (What feelings? H issued NC immediately on d-day and has had no contact since?)

*OW thought my H was the perfect man. She said that if she lived here, she would not give up so easily. (I guess H is the perfect man if you like alcoholic serial cheaters!)

*When she saw him again for the first time after 10 years, all of the feelings she felt for him from the first A they had with each other came rushing back to her.

See what I mean. You won't get the truth out of the OW.

The bigger concern here though, IMHO, is why is your H still working at the same company as OW? Has he made an effort to find another job? Your H needs to make you feel comfortable and secure. Your H needs to answer whatever questions you have about the A. It doesn't make you feel good if it appears that he is more concerned about the feelings of OW than you.

Talk to your H, not the OW.

Take care.

sss

Feeling...I almost never think that the BS and the OP should have contact. It usually is a very difficult conversation and one which can lead to many other issues. The OP is NOT the problem which is most important to address...your marriage and bond with your spouse is what is important.

While you may be lucky enough to connect with an OW who is willing to be kind and truthful, you have a good chance of finding one who is hateful and/or also in great pain. They may lash out and cause you much more suffering. She may create more mistrust in your mind then is already there. And if you're wanting to lash out at her...it's betting money that she'll come back with some very painful information...true or not.

No, you do not have to lay aside your desires to please your H in this area. It is YOUR decision...not his. But, tread carefully. I've only heard of a very few positive outcomes when the BS talks to the OP. Most do not go well for either woman.

Is your H looking for another job? To me, that would be much more beneficial to the healing then talking to a third person who has helped damage the marriage. Has he agreed to NC, as much as possible considering their co-worker status? Is he being honest with you? Is he doing those things which can help give you a sense of security? Is he helping or standing in your way of healing?

Once you choose to rebuild...the OP is a dead issue. jmho He/She should be OUT of your lives, both of you. When you decide NC is the way to go...that includes BOTH you and your H. It's like a dead fire...breathe hard enough on it and you may have one which flames up again only to get out of control. jmho

There is usually nothing to be gained from a conversation with the OP after an affair is ended.

Fvs,

Opinion: I think just a wifey's response, of all these, best addresses your needs. I do agree that *generally* there is no value in talking to the OP. But you expressed a single want/need regarding this conversation: to tell her how you feel.

Since she has apologized via a letter, you have some evidence that she cares how you feel. If telling her how you feel is your sole aim and you need to do it to move forward, regardless of any other consequences that might arise out of the meeting, then go for it. Of course, if telling her how you feel is your sole aim, it can be a one-way communication, as her letter was to you, then presumably you have nothing to lose by sending a letter, unless she flips out and makes it difficult for your husband at work.

If you really want to talk to her, be prepared for the possibility that she will not agree to it since has moved on and knows it's best for you (any combination of you, your husband and her) not to have contact. Since she sent you a letter, that seems likely.

Whatever you decide, make it about you and be honest about your motive. If you're doing it for revenge, no good can come of it. You say you're 'dying' to talk to this woman--it's worthwhile to find out why you feel so strongly.

I did the same thing. I contacted the OW finally today. She told me her side of the story, and told me she excuse herself.. which is really annoying for me... I wish she'd be *****y! She wasn't. She was somewhat nice and also hurt. I explain to her... and she told me that this would have never started if my husband didn't LOOK FOR IT! And I get what she is saying. Anyways I toldher "now he has told you he is married, yet you continue to make your move as if I didn't exist.. Well she continue to tell me how much she has fallen in love with my husband whom she doesn't even know his LAST NAME! Anyways I told her I understand why she can fall in love with him, its the same reason I fell, but she needs to know I am not just some invisible thing that he is going to get rid of. She told me she know she had caused damages and will just stop sending him SMS messages to not make anymore damages has she already done.. Which was really surprising to me. I just hope she keeps her word and my husband will keep his word.

Right now he is MAD as hell... he is not yelling or screaming, but he isn't talking to me because I finally contact the OW.. but I don't regret.. I DO NOT!
Anyways, I say if you feel the need to contact the OW.. go for it.. if you want some things to get off your chest.

Thanks you all for sharing your thoughts on this matter.

I understand what you are saying about there being nothing to be gained from talking to the OW and it's just more likely that I will get hurt even more....I have thought about this for a really loooong time.

Maybe you are right, all I want is for her to know how her actions have made me feel...so maybe a letter would be the better way to go but I don't think my husband would even agree to that.

All I want is to show her that I too can speak up for my feelings, that they are no longer hidden or ignored as they probably used to do before this all came out.

My husband doesn't want to look for another job, finding a new job is very difficult these times plus he really enjoys where he works...other than that I can't say he hasn't been trying. I have no indication that he has been in contact with her, he comes home early everyday, cooks for me everyday, calls me at work a couple of times a days...he is really trying hard to win back what we have lost. I just think maybe I am the one who has given up on our relationship (this betrayal thing may be just a little more that I can handle from the one person that swore to be faithful and protect me forever!). In any case, although he is trying really hard, this little things like not wanting me to talk to the OW because she is trying to move on and she is also going thru a really hard time makes me feel like he cares more about her than me! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, sorry for writing so much and thanks again for your words. I'll let you know what happens...please keep me in your thoughts.

Hi FVS,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he says that because I am hurt I think I can do whatever I feel like doing without caring about anyone else.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what is excuse for having an affair (doing whatever he felt like doing) without caring about anyone else? (that's rhetorical, really) I dont know how he can say that to you with a straight face.

Who is HE to lay that on you? He didnt care...now you are supposed to?

Is she married? You may learn more from her H than her. I agree with the others, it's risky at best to try to get logic out of an OP.

But my H would NOT be the determining factor in my decision to contact OP. He lost that right when he 'did what he wanted without caring about anyone else'. Geeez! Please take care - Dru

Good morning everyone...

Well, we had a really long talk last time and as things stand right now I have decided not to contact the OW. I am starting to honestly think that I am not thinking straight...I am soooo hurt right now that I am out of control!.

Right now I can't make up my mind as to whether or not I want to make my marriage work, sometimes I think I do and sometimes I can't even stand the thought of looking at my H.

Being this the case I don't think it would be a smart thing for me talk to this woman and maybe get into a situation where things spin out of control and maybe both of them end up loosing their jobs....even if we end up not staying together, I would not want to hurt my husband.
Once again, I get to do the right thing and show them both that I am a much better person that they were. Does this make any sense at all??

I just wish I could make up my mind!!! When will I know if I can overcome this?How will I know? Everyone says give it time but, how much time is enough?

Thanks for your support and advice.

I think you have made the right choice. If you were to write down all the pros and cons, you would see there are many more cons, and the few pros (from what you have said) are quite selfish.

You’ve made your decision … stop daydreaming about the outcome (of contacting OW) and soon enough the urge to contact her will be gone altogether.

Overcoming the pain and healing of your M are not just going to happen magically. These are things you must decide on … and you must make a concerted effort to make them happen.

Good luck.

Out of control? Let me tell you about "out of control".
After my daughter and I found out about the A and we were not only shocked but humiliated: I kept trying to talk to my H and let him know how much we were hurt.
He was so cold.
Anyway, one night I went out with friends and had one too many drinks and decided to find my H and try to talk to him. Like I thought I was going to make some big change in his thinking under those circumstances! I found him at our local bar and went in: only to find them sitting together.
I tried to talk to him and she kept interupting- even though I kept telling her to stay out of it, and it didn't pertain to her.
She interupted one to many times and I grabbed her by the hair and threw her on the floor.
All of the months of despair and hopelessness came out in anger.It was like another person was doing it.
I was stonger than I realized and could have really hurt her. Thank God, I didn't.
She has continued to use it for sympathy with my H.
Everyone,says not to feel sorry for her - she deserved it for trying to come between us.
So, be sure to keep a cool head and not place yourself in a situation that could harm you and get her sympathy she doesn't deserve.
L

HI FVS,

After reading lkgwife's post, I see myself so easily. I could imagine going in all calm, then ripping her friggin head off and getting arrested. I can see it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now I can't make up my mind as to whether or not I want to make my marriage work, sometimes I think I do and sometimes I can't even stand the thought of looking at my H.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You dont have to make that decision now. It's been two months since dday, did you two get an MC? I'm sorry I dont know your background.

Please take the pressure off of yourself about having to decide anything right away. At two months, most of us are still in a daze.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once again, I get to do the right thing and show them both that I am a much better person that they were. Does this make any sense at all??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh boy... I remember thinking Why do I have to be the Strong one all the frigging time! Why am I the one the world gets to dump on. It get's old, doesnt it? I'm sorry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When will I know if I can overcome this?How will I know? Everyone says give it time but, how much time is enough?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They say give it six months. After six months, you've hopefully had many, many MC sessions, maybe some IC for each of you, some anti-depressants, if needed, and a little perspecive on the situation. Then you can look clearly and see what you've got, and if it's worth saving.

Till then, survive daily, eat, sleep, read marriage and self help books, drink fluids, see friends, see family, see IC, get into old hobbies, stay busy, and take a look at this later.

(I'm the poster child for BS's needing to take care of themselves after dday... 5 mo's after dday, I got pneumonia, and I'm sure it's because I let myself get so rundown; no sleep, food (lost 20 lbs in 2 months), or water... so be careful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I'm really sorry. Please take care - Dru

Please let me help you with this. I went through the same thing, and now that I am thinking clearer, I can give you some insight. I kept wanting to talk to the OW and I did talk to her H. I felt a bond with him as we had something in common. Well, after I made the decision to work things out with H, the OW's H kept calling me. This started to become a problem...I felt totally uncomfortable because I knew it was bothering hubby, and I didn't want any more contact with that family EVER, but I also felt that I needed to support this guy...how could I call and tell him his wife is having an A with my H and then drop him? Well, our MC told me to totally remove myself from contact with him. Well, after 4 weeks, my H made contact with the OW, via email. He told her that he was with me out of necessity, etc. She and her friend sent me an email telling me that he contacted her, so I made contact with her. I felt, at that time, that she was the "good" one by telling me about this, etc. I talked with her for over 2 hours. She was very angry with my H....first for not having feelings for her like he told her, and then for disrespecting me. Well, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker....I almost became her friend. She said, "wouldn't it be funny if we became friends out of this?" Well, after talking with her, it became apparent that she wanted to apologize to me so that SHE could feel better about herself. I was doing HER a favor by responding the way I did. I was helping HER lessen her guilt feeling. I even accepted her lunch date...but after a couple days realized what I was doing, and how I would feel, and declined. I went through a time of "who's telling the truth" as her story and my H's story didn't always match up. I had specifically asked him if he bought her any gifts or cards, which he said no....(to spare my feelings, the darling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) She claimed that he bought her many, and said she would mail them to me. He said that he did say no, to spare my feelings, but insists there was one card and one stuffed animal...Our MC asked me why I would want to open that box, and I couldn't answer. She suggested that it would be best not to talk to this woman EVER and to burn the box. She pointed out that she will lie to make herself look less guilty and that keeping her in my life is going to make healing go slower. I agree!! She also pointed out that I was the victor here...my H is with me, not her, so just move forward.

My suggestion is not to talk to her...but if you do feel that need, do not get caught up in her manipulation of you with her need to lighten her guilt trip.....God Bless you!!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

You have no idea how much better I feel after reading your posts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I just got back to work after going the dentist at lunch time and as I was driving all I could do was think...I had my mind made up to call him and tell him that I am done and I want us to split up, I can't take the hurt anymore...Thank God I read these posts before I did that...see what I mean? I feel sooo strongly right now about not being able to live with him after this...yet I also have that doubt that I will miss him terribly and this may be the worst mistake of my life if I push him away right now.

We are both going to counseling together and I also go by myself...I feel great when we are in the sessions together because like I said, he is giving his all to make this work...and when I am there I feel like maybe it is possible...the problem is as soon as we get back home or the minute I spend time alone...ahhh!!!..I want to kill him!!!....

I don't know why I feel sooo pressured into making a decision right away...I just feel like I have to...I hope he will hang around for six months, I think you are right, if by then I am still feeling the same way I guess I will now then what to do.

I hate him so much right now...and I tell him that too, even though I know I shouldn't...I just wish I could somehow make him suffer as much as I am suffering...but I can't.

My husband is the only man I have ever been involved with intimately so I told him the other day that I was thinking it would be a good idea if we split up for some time and I could have the chance to meet other men and maybe found one that I liked and could possibly fall in love with...after all, he had taken 2 years of our marriage to "see" if could possibly be happier with someone else...while all the time I was at home waiting for him with open arms...at least I was telling him that I would be doing that...(of course I never believed this for a minute), I just wanted to see his reaction and of course, he totally freaked out....what is wrong with this picture???

Anyhow, I will try not to think about this and get back to work (otherwise I will also have another thing to worry about...looking for a job).
It's unbelievable how some people's actions can throw a person's life into such turmoil.

I will keep posting, sorry I write so much. I finally feel like someone is listening. Thanks!

Hi FvS,
That was nice to hear... you sounded pretty good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Have you bought 'the books'... Surviving an Affair (refered to as SAA here), Not Just Friends, The Harley books, etc...? It will help and keep your mind busy, I promise. Good luck and take care - Dru

Hi Dru -

Yeap, I did...that was the first thing I did the second day after DDay...SAA, His Needs Her Needs, After The Affair...they are all in my shelf!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I pick them up and read them every chance I get or whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (Which is very often). Just last week I ordered Not Just Friends...I was just about to call Barnes and Nobles and find out if it's in...I would love to be able to pick it up and have some new reading material for the weekend...my counselor recommended it...is it pretty good? I have read some of Dr. Glass's articles and she seems to be pretty to the point. I hope her book helps.

Time is moving sooooo slow!!...I wish I could fast forward to 1 year from now and see how this whole mess is going to end up. Well, I guess I just have to be patient and hope my husband can hang in there until I am ready to recommit.

We had lunch together today and odd enough it's the first time in two months that we were able to sit together at a table without talking about the A. It was as if nothing had happened....it was sooo weird, but in a way it was nice. For a few minutes there I thought maybe I will be able to pull through....well, I guess only time will tell...

Thanks again for your advice.

Hi FvS,
Sorry, I havent read the Glass books, but they are loved by MB'ers. A good read might be First Things First by Stephen Covey. He's the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

FtF helps you find your focus... helps you figure out what is important in your life, and how to focus your energies effectively. It really helped me get my head together. Lots of 'Duh, why didnt I already know that?' moments in there, for me. Take care - Dru