I fell lower than ever last night and it scared me senseless.<P>My H and I have not been doing great lately. We had a fight the other day and haven't really been talking much. He went to work last night and things were still very tense.<P>I took my antidepressant and my sleeping pill and settled in front of the TV to watch a movie. Then I got stupid and started drinking. I also started writing my H a letter explaining that a lot of my trouble has been that he never ended the affair the way it is recommended in Surviving an Affair, and he still works at the same plant as her. I was really worried after reading the chapter where Harley talks about affairs being so easily rekindled when you don't obet the no contact rule. I can remember starting the letter, but then I can't remember anything after that. <P>I can't remember going to bed, I can't remember writing 5 pages (I couldn't hardly read it this morning either, I didn't even know I could spell some of the words I wrote). <P>I also ate something during that time, but don't remember what or when, I just found the dishes in the sink.<P>This morning I had a headache and kept having short memory lapses such as taking my pill then not remembering if I did and having to count all the pills in a brand new prescription to see if I had. <P>It's a wonder I didn't do something really stupid last night and I'm not even sure whether or not I did.<P>I hope this woke me up a little bit.

Been there... now sweetie, you'd better be careful, or else you'll wake up dead! Mixing up some of those pills with alcohol can be deadly... <P>That said, you made me smile when you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I didn't even know I could spell some of the words I wrote<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I can just picture it... <P>I can't remember who has this quote in their sig, but it's something like:<P>"Nobody said it would be easy"<P>That's our life in this mess we call Infidelity...<P>When you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>a lot of my trouble has been that he never ended the affair the way it is recommended in Surviving an Affair<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> it made me think about how I've said to my H that he doesn't fight for me like the men here fight for their wives and marriages. Some of these woman (many, actually) are still with the OM, and these men fight for their marraiges... my H loves to be compared to a bunch of faceless men in an Internet site! I guess we need to stop having those kinds of expectations, huh??<P>~Sheryl<P><P>------------------<BR>Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.<P>~John Lennon

What really scared me is the possibility that I could have committed suicide.<P>I have been semi-suicidal in the recent past. I say semi because I wanted to attempt suicide, but the fear of succeeding kept me in control.

I made a promise to myself that I am not going to drink tonight.<P>A terrible revelation came to me this afternoon. I am on the road to becoming an alcoholic. I never drank alcohol before this all started. <P>My urologist suggested drinking a beer regularly because of a kidney condition I have that causes me to have sand and stones in my kidney. Beer actually helps this and I went from having a very dirty kidney to hardly ever having trouble with it. That was my excuse for drinking beer occassionally. Then it was 1 every night, then it was 1 most nights and several when I was really down.<P>I am drinking regularly now and even look forward to my nightly mug.<P>I will not let anything else have negative control of my life. I have enough to deal with without adding alcoholism to the picture.<P>

Essyboo,<P>You have a ton of stress right now. Your posts on this thread are great, because you are recognizing some behaviors of yours that are very dangerous.<P>The mxing of the drugs and alcohol can be negating the positive effects the medications are intended to give you.<P>PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. <P>Besides, you suffered a blackout sounds like. This could be from mixing the sleeping pill and alcohol or from cumulative effects of alcohol.<P>PLEASE TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE HERE.<P>You are NOT a victim! You are a PARTICIPANT in all of this. You can leave anytime you want to. I understand that you do not want to leavs, because neither do I - I want my marriage back very much.<P>Yet, although htings are not going the way we want them to at this time, we are still not victims. We are in control of our own lives. You, Essyboo, are in control of your life.<P>Fix the things that you can....YOU. If your H is going to continue to work at the plant and you have already tried your best argument to convince him otherwise, then so be it. You can't make him change jobs. You can either accept and trust and put your efforts at rebuilding your marriage or you can say to hell with this and leave him. That's about all the choices you got.<P>Maybe you wanted other choices than the two you got, but life is life that. We don't get to tell life everything we want. <P>Find happiness for yourself, Essyboo. You are a VERY bright woman, no doubt about that. You have a lot of good insight into yourself. You seem to want to learn from your mistakes.<P>Take a firmer control of yourself and fixate your efforts on personal happiness as best as you can. You might surprise yourself at your own ability to be truly happy in a less thanperfect world.<P>PLEASE DON"T DRINK AND TAKE THESE MEDS AGAIN.<P>I will burn my candle for you today....<P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I did good last night.<P>I attempted to not even take the sleeping pill last night to see if the increased Serzone would be enough. It has an antianxiety agent in it.<P>At 1:00 AM I got up and took a sleeping pill. Then I sat and wrote in my journal until I felt sleepy. <P>I didn't drink anything.<P>If I can manage this today and tomorrow then start over again every day I will conquer it this as well.<P>Jess

Essyboo, have to say I was there, drinking wine excessively and afraid because my father was an alchoholic and I never drank at all prior and then suddenly it was a once a week a bottle of wine with my H to celebrate of sorts making it through another week. The day I suspected my pregnancy I put it down and never took it up again (still pregnant though and baby is healthy!) But I think I was glad to not drink anymore because it really was worrying me.<BR>Take it one day at a time, and don't go to the other extreme either, there has to be a middle ground for people to enjoy some things and not overdo! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Glad you woke up smarter. Please, PLEASE be careful. You've got to take good care of yourself. <P>Hang in there, OK? We want you to LIVE!!!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Essyboo}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>lori