ON my previous post.. I talked about the fact I wrote a letter, I didn't call. I sent the OW couple of SMS messages and gave her my email to talk to me. I explain to her politely how I felt. Surprisingly, she was nice and told me about how she felt about my husband. But this is an online thing.. they met once and had sex. He told me 2 days after the affair. She said she was deeply in love with him. And that she is not going to cause anymore trouble by sending him messages. She wrote to me three times after our first mail and apologizing for what happened and the fact that she continued to talk to him after she found out that he was married.

During those weeks my husband and I tried to work things out.. sometimes I can barely hold my emotions, sometimes I could and talk and try to understand why. I do understand why and its not really a problem with us.. it's an issue with him! Anyways last week..he showered me with gifts, kisses, field trips.. as if it was our first time. I was happy, but it just didn't seem right that the other girl didn't know. He didn't talk to her online anymore which was an improvement..but the sms messages kept coming and going. I specifically asked no contact.. and I guess he was doing his best.. I don't know how much I can.. HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS MAN! He is not mean.........He works, he has university diploma, a very GOOD LOOKING (blond hair, blue eyes, 6'2 fine looking man. Good dresser) but he has low self esteem because of his past.. his teenaghood and being with someone like me who is outgoing and likes to be around people I guess do not help. The girl that I talked to he explained also have self esteem issues. I could tell from the letters she wrote me back.

Anyways right now.. after I talked to she seems to really understand I love my husband and wish for it to work. My H also was planning just to ignore the SMS messages until she would stop. She wrote things such as "I am hurting.. this shouldnt but I am hurting so much, I miss you my love." I just see RED when I see things like this.. I don't know if he replied to her or not. And me I took it upon myself to make her understand that I want it to stop in order to save all 3 of our lives.

Like most affairs, he is not in love with her. He toldme she just give him confidence. And he loves the way she admired him. I don't think he loves her, but he surely cares about her.

Now see last week I think he was having his cake and eating it too.. I was putting into his love banks and he was putting in mine.. and it was so great.. I see he was happy but I thought to myself "TOO HAPPY".. then I looked at his cell phone and found out he was still communicating with his "admirer" anyways...
I started screaming at him.. telling him I'm leaving and that he doesn't give a **** about us. ( I know I KNOW.. LB's) see I wasn't mad directly at the moment, it was the morning after I got mad.. the same morning I decided to calm down. Advice given to me by a member here.
And the same morning I contacted the OW.

That day.. he didn't talk to me at all. I didn't even tell him I contacted her. WHen he came home.. he didn't kiss me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> or give me a hug. So I could feel that the OW has told him her last goodbye. He didn't want to do it..so she did it!.. I didn't tell him I contacted her. Then the next day.. he didn't talk to me much, but wrote an email saying that he cancelled my birthday party and my present he ordered he would pick up but that doesn't mean anything to me anymore.. (yes I did lots of damage with those LB's). I wrote back saying that I was raging mad..but sorry for what I said this morning. and that its ok he cancelled. He came home, I was nice to him. I gave him his snacks before dinner with a little Apperitif.. which got him to talk to me a little bit more and cracked a smile once or twice.
I made him dinner, but him and I talk a lot. We never run out of things to say,but last night he said about as little as possible. I keep looking if he had his cellphone on him. and looking where he was going. anyways I don't know if he is going through withdraw or if he is just mad at me. As the night continued he talked to me a little bit more......I don't know if he is keeping the OW on the side.. or giving her hopes that they will be together. I can only investigate so much, but from what he told me.. "Honey, I love you, you're my wife, and my wife is my only true love. She cannot replace you, not any woman can."
Anyways.....the OW seemed like she in pain as I am for she has so much feelings for him.. but I am not considering her feelings, I'm looking at my marriage. She also told me "I will not cause any damage anymore... please do not hate me much."

NOw what you guys think? What should I do? We haven't had an LB's since 3 days ago.. but this morning was my birthday and he didn't even say HB.. he used to kiss me before he leaves for work, but he didn't do it... I'm so sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I have no classes today..so nothing to keep me away from the house.. I'm going to fix my hair..and maybe take the bus to go somewhere.. maybe shop.. but I'm new to the city and dont want to get lost on my birthday.
I know I'm rambling, but someone please HELP!

I don't know what to do.. give time....tell him I talked to the OW.. but I am positive he knows! I don't think she told him it was me that contacted her, but I was thinking to give it a week before I bring up anything else.... I don't want to start those LB's.. I don't want to talk about the OW anymore. I just want to focus on us. How can I be sure she is gone?

Stay with the marriagebuilders plan (Plan A). I know it is very hard to do. When WS's get into these situations it is like they are addicted, so expect him to have some withdrawal.

Your situation seems very hopeful to me. Try to take good care of yourself during this hard time. Things will get better, but it is very hurtful right now. You are in good company here. Keep reading and follow the program the best that you can.

Hi Harudah!

Hang in there, from what you are saying I think your situation is a lot (and I mean a lot!) more hopeful than many others...including mine.

Your husband confessed to the affair two days after it happened, they only met once...(I know it hurts as hell...trust me..)...but still, it was still soon in the relationship, they haven't had the time to get really close, and, most important of all you are willing to work in your marriage, you want to give him a chance and I am sure with your support he will pull through.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's ok if everynow and again you snap...it's understandable...as long as you don't do it all the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care of yourself, remember that you are the most important thing right now (I tell myself that everyday...I am not doing very good at it, but I am trying).

New haircut sounds good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm doing the same thing today...getting a new look!...right now I'll due anything to try and lift my spirit.

Take care and don't give up. If you love this man and he is willing to work with you and you with him...you can make it. Just hand in there!.

Take care. I am listening if you need to talk some more, or cry some more...

HA!

Ok.............Last night.. he came home. With a bottle of champagne, and two small cakes for my birthday. Since he promised we'd go to dinner, he took shower.. we had a drink of champgne.. we were cool. In that he started talking to me about his job and how much he hated (but all in good humor). He was even dancing and playing my favorite songs.

We left for dinner, and we started at the table, I guess my big mouthshouldn't have said anything, but I did. "Why are you so mad at me?" He said.. "You made me lose a friend." I guess she did tell him that I contacted her, but what he doesn't know I've been in contact with her more than expected. He was talking about a lot of things. He started to tell me a lot of things that I already suspected and know.

he said.. "You see, I can't teach you anything, You're smarter than me, more articulate, there is nothing for me to teach you. I have the impresssion that I am not needed." I look at him and I tried to look deep inside myself to say.. the truth. He said the ow he could teach her things, she still had a magical picture of him he said.

He says he recognizes that he will not be pleasant to be around, but we will see how it goes. I know about WS................I expected. Thank GOD I came to this website!!! He says he lost someone he cared about and he will never forget her. And he said I MADE him lose her! Then he talked about "why couldn't we just all 3 stay together.. I saw it on TV... Reality tv shows."

I started laughing and told him he is Bull****ing himself. It's just all sense of logic didn't ring to him at all. It's like he doesn't get it. So I say.. "why when I wanted to leave you.. you didn't want me to...why did yo keep making me stay?" He said "because I didn't want you to hurt, and miss your school year.." THen I told him "I can still miss it with the way things are going."

He told me a lot of details that I didn't want to know.. you see this is like a fantasy to him. It's like he is in another world. IT's FAKE everything they have both been feeling is fake because he said... "Maybe if she knows the real truth about me she wouldnt love me. If knows what I do for a job, my house, everything, she wouldnt." I Shrug and said nothing. He should internalized and reflect on his own feelings, it isn't my job to do so.

We talked a little bit more almost about everything.. most BAD THINGS.. by that time I was so tired.. I just wanted to sleep.. i closed my eyes inside the car. He reached out and rub my back and kissed me on the forehead.. and asked if I wanted to go to bed...
Came home put on my jammies and brushed my teeth.

I have a friend that I talk to online. He has been very supportive to me.. but he also have "fake" feelings, because he doesn't even know me. I don't have feelings for him because I'm loyal to my husband and I dont beleive you can really fall in love online... because you're going to bull**** yourself...when you finally meet the real person. He keeps telling me to just leave.. and the pain that I am going through is not worth it... I know he feels sorry for me also and invited me to stay at least a weekend to get away from all this.

How am I going to be hypocrite and spend a weekend at a another guy's apartment while I am telling my husband he can't talk to the OW? I declined the offer because I know my friend have feelings for me, but I don't have for him and I don't want to put myself in a position that will make my relationship with my husband worse.

He is totally in WS right now.. do doubt.. he won't even let me get close to him in bed. So I woke up and just came online to vent.

He isn't as mad at me as the last 2 days... I guess that's improvement, but he will ahve very down days.. I know it will come. I just don't know if I can go through another month of WS... I should count at least 3 weeks to 6 months... Right? Anyways.. I feel like I want to pack up and leave though....

What am I getting out of this?
Why am I putting up with a man that doesn't care about his relationship right now?
Why do I have to go through this?

Love? Good lord its a big price to pay!!!!!!!!!

He talks about our future together a lot... in all the midts of this. He look at our potentials....he talks about children, he talks about moving... projects we have together.

I don't know... somedays I am motivated, somedays I am not.. HOW am I going to get through his WS? He's like my best friend! I've lost my best friend....and I'm about to lose my husband at the same time..because my best friend been lying to me for the past 7 months...

Well... its all.....I've contemplated suicide numerous times.. because I feel, if I just disappear.. all this will go away. I wouldn't have to deal with it. I'd just be dead and everyone will be happy without me around. HIM and the OW.

I have to also say that the OW is being smart and realized the truth within what Itold her and isn't going to pursuit a relationship with a married man...

Well Write me back.. tell how to cope so FAR.. because I am not coping!!

i am abit better. He knows how much i love stuffed animals... so he found the black panther... ewhich he ordered and the guy didnt have... it was beautiful. so he pursue the guy into sending it to another store to go get ven though i told him that it was..ok its the thought that count... He doesnt have anyone else to talk to about the affair... Let me just say that he tells me EVERYTHING... things he told her. And also he says that having sex with fat girl confirm how good he can be with sex.. I tell you it hard for me to listen, but I do it, because who else is he going to talk to about it? She called him on wednesday begging him to call her back, but he told me that he wont because he knows how much he lied to that girl... Also she told him that he belong with me although she was "in love" with him. He knows where his life belongs and not for a moment did he think about leaving me for her.
I beleive he has issues and needed to deal with them personally instead of having an affair.. he has been talking to me more and somewhat getting to normal ..... not overly nice like when he having his cake. They cant meet just like that because I would know.... so that cuts the possibility of a physical affair.

As far as hi WS... he moments where wants to vent about what the OW brought to him... he says that he wont lie about it and say he did not get enjoyment from knowing that some other girl can admire him, love him, and he pleased her sexually. he never said he was pleased. I know how to read btw the lines. he was content with what he did but also guilty somehow. he also talk about how i have him on the head now... "a cheater";;;;;

This is hard for me to listen to, but I do it, because it healing me somehow.... and i am learning about Lb*s that I have made... such as tellling him "i dont need you" and not appreciating the things he does for me. he doesnt blame me for what he did though...

he now knows i was he contact with her..; she agreed to not contact him, he agreed to not contact her.. but he is still in WS I beleive.

one of the emotional needs, sexual needs that he has... he said that him and her talked about sex a lot. Well him and I do... but I usually talk about it in "intellectual" point of view...
For the first time last night he wanted me to tell him about my fantasy....he asked before i just usually say that i do not know. lol.. but I told him about quite a few things and he told me.

We also went shopping since i have been very mad about my weight.. i have lost 35lbs since last year... he said " you always think that i do not like big girls" i said "u just settle for less"
he said " you are wrong;"

Anyways, he beleived that i did not like his body because sometimes i tease about how other guys looked, but i find my h so attractive... there are other guys that talk to me, but they can never measure up.

Last night there was more intimacy.. each day there are some improvements... i made a conscious note to tell him how much I appreciated him, and ask for his help sometimes because i am so independent... i have been on my own for so long since a teenager.. so i never really need help from anyone about doing anything, so....... its hard for me to break habits and to rely on someone else*

He held me through the night and this morning.. made love to me.. like he wanted to let go of all the wrongs that had happened.. We are very intimate and the time he aws in his fantasies with her online he wasnt she was taking my place........ and i trusted him so much that i never beleive this would happend. I missed all the warning signs. I felt the detachment but I wanted to leave my marriage in silence; Then I realized how stupid it was for two ppl that love each other to just let circumstances ruin it.

Things are not completly clear in my head.. since i was advised here to take it one day at a time. That is what I am doing. he seems to have passed the anger mode in two days.. then started to feel SORRY for himself and recognizing so,e of the things he has been missing in our relationship. Well I am just looking to see how it goes. the last 4 days have not been easy; his mom keeps on checking on us... the only IRL people that know about the affair..... she has her finger crossed that all of it will not break apart.

so today is not so bad... i am taking it each day at a time..;

tell me what i can do to help myself and him while going through this..... i read plan A .. so far i wanted to keep away, but he seems to want to be close me.

uhmmm I am forgiven him, but I do not trust him.

Sounds like you are doing great as far as recovery. I know how difficult it is to do what you are doing. I could never do it. (and my H is still with OW).

Just keep reading and posting here. Somehow by reading others' stories, it helps. It takes a long time for things to sink in, but you are doing fine. You are making it safe for your H to talk to you, and he will start realizing that your marriage can be better than before.

thank you so much beleiver... giving me such encouragement.. i need this kind of support. It helps me so much to know someone is listening. I did not tell my mom about the affair because first thing she would say is to pack up and come home to her... its like a custody battle btw her and my husband for the past three years...

H and I been talking in the morning*... i wish we didnt have the internet, but we both like it. I just got a job offer... so if I can go through this IT test I will get it which would lessen the financial situation we are in.

Its like normal... but I know he talks to girls online....but I talk to guys online too... but its just friendship stuff noone will ever meet the other... no relationship... but from what happened.. i dont trust him to chat anymore...
I hate when he chats and look at what he does... and I know its annoying, but the trust is gone...

On the positive note.....it seems like he might pull through this. I hope that I might be able to trust him again. I am keep the OW under wath though..; she is addicted to my husband......it will take great effort for her to get off... but it has been 4 days since she didnt make the phone ring anymore. I dont think he is "addicted", but he seems to feel like he lost something important... he will feel empty for a while.

yes I am always listening for the phone to vibrate, but hubby just put the phone inside his suitcase because he says he will not answer. And he knows I go crazy when the phone does ring.

anyways he can always be in contact with her through email, but said he stopped that too. Only time will tell the truth... I try to beleive because he is making lots of efforts to make me happy.

Ok I don't want to go back to stage one... really the Plan A is somewhat working..

Last night I realized how many people really do care for me.. and how it is important..THey came unexpectly.. my husband's family..consist of his mom, dad, his brother and his brother's girlfriend. Since my husband cancelled th eparty for me on the 31st for my birthday.. They called his cellphone to tell me HB.. so nice.. I wanted to cry! Anyways.. they showed up last night..with two bottles of champagne and a cake!! and PRESENTS! Just for me! Just my heart just warms up...and my husband I could tell in his face that he was thinking "God I am a fool, if they love her so much, what's wrong with me for ever cheating.." And his brother was making so many jokes about how we could have sex on that big table we have . just do not break the windows. HA HA! So the weekend went pretty smoothly for me.

As the night progressed, we went out for a drive and when we were coming back he put his hands on mine. He didn't say anything after that. He knows how much I like to be touched and cared for, and when he does that he gives motivation to give him the same kind of affection. These are some emotional needs that were lacking for that passed 7 months.

We also talked about the OW, and how about if she ever got pregnant and how much he knew about her... which more and more he keeps saying "I don't know that, she kept it in a blurr..." I keep asking about what he knows...and what he told her. IT seems like they don't even know each other.. It was like they were somewhat both lying to each other .... to see how much it would go.. two people with low self esteem just beefing each other up! I still get so mad ..just thinking about her touching my husband and him HER!! It grosses me out.. I just want to PUKE! I try to let those images go out from my head.. I just want that whore gone from our lives!

I checked his phone (as I said, I do not trust him!) I noticed on thursday, she has been begging him to call her...but he said he didn't. And he won't be calling her. She didn't call the whole weekend and hopefully will not be calling forever. If she does, she will hear from me! I know, its not about her, its about me and my husband, but she also play a great part. Where, he is trying to get out of withdrawl and she keep insisting, after she told me she would not contact him.. then again, I guess she wanted to say her final goodbye by phone.
H is no longer mad at me for contacting her, I read the messages she sent stated that I contacted her and I told her to leave us alone. And she explained to him as if he didn't know how his life is with me and not with her.. and that's her reason for backing out.

Sighs**** OH GAWD I might just break in TWO if I don't just focus on myself... I want focus on myself.. this morning I was walking so proud.. But I had "ALL FOR YOU" MD on... Janet Jackson didn't help me much... "Clouds in my coffee" Somewhat angry song and all these bad feelings were coming inside of me.... I wanted to scream in the middle of the road, but I kept my smile and my head up.. like a beautiful black princess that I am! I feel beautiful this morning, I do.. noone could tell me otherwise.

Sometimes I go into deep thoughts.. On my wayt to class this morning I was thinking of everything I am and everything I have.. and my confidence level.. and how I am affected by others. I thought about needing my husband which I've been saying that I don't. somewhat I do, somewhat I don't. I feel he needs me more than I need him, but its not a relationship based on NEEDS!!! I think I was all out of proportion to think like that, therefor I stopped.

Last thought of the day would be:

Am I really on the road to forgiven him? Somewhat yes, I do... I forgive him.

Will I ever forget? No

Can this strenghtning our relationship and give awareness? YEs absolutely!

Can we actually pull through? I'm 50% sure, the 50% will be based on time.

Does this still hurt? Not as much as last week, or the week before.. or the week I found out.. THe pain lessens.. Yes it still hurts.

Am I sometimes happy with my H? yes

Do I admire him? Yes, for some of the things he does.

DO I beleive in him? Sometimes, but he has been through a lot, so he doesn't have much confidence on himself which makes it hard to beleive he will accomplish his goal.

Does he help me? Yes

Do I help him? I haven't been giving much lately as far as encouragement....not like I used to.. like I've letting let go of himself.

This feels like an online journal which I have, but I rather put it here, where I get feedbacks from people that have been in my situation..


beleiver, if you read this, can you add me to your AIM if you have. Also I want to know how you did with your H still seing this OW.

Harudah - Hey, you're doing fine. Keep it up. Also keep reading about Plan A and filling your H's EN's. After awhile it gets easier, but at first it is like doing the opposite of what you feel.

You are lucky you found this site in time. I didn't find it until I'd already thrown my H out of the house. So I did not do Plan A. He made half-hearted efforts to reconcile, but OW was still always in the picture.

It's been almost a year that he has been seeing her and I've been in Plan B for about 4 months, with one slip, where I almost let H move back home. Thankfully everyone here knocked some sense back into me, and I didn't. He swore he was not seeing OW, and 2 days later I caught them in bed.

So stick to the MB program. It will work for you. Stay in Plan A and meet all of his EN's. Then you can work on recovery (there is a plan here for that) and then on rebuilding a great marriage.

What's so great is that these plans have been tested by thousands, and they work. Also we are all on the same plan, so others will let you know when you are falling off the path. As you have feelings or questions post them here. Someone will have your answer. You will get better advice and support here than from your friends and family.

So chin up girl, stick with us and be will help you through this.

I WILL AS MUCH AS POSSOBILE...but when I cannot take it anymore... it will be okay. I will focus on myself

Plan A as much as you can. When you can't do it any longer, there is Plan B. But do the best you can on Plan A.

uhmm yeah sticking to plan A... trying to be as nice as possible. Patience might run thin. he is having so many mood swings.. so I .. but his is worse. He even gets mean, I cant hold it.. but he doesnt beleive what he says. Anyways, now it is truelly withdraw.... no more contact... I should be happy? nope;;;;he goes through period of trying to get over it.... to feeling sorry for himself.

I have those moments too... wierd huh? now he is being nice. I try to ignore his sorry mode.. but I cant...

but ok

Yeah, they all go through withdrawal and feeling sorry for themselves. It is miserable and unfair to BS but just look at it like it is part of the script.

You can get through this and have a better marriage than ever.

I think his conscience is eating at him! What he desired, and what he has, and what he really wants! Well last week, he woke up in the middle of the night tugging into me.. screaming "Tamara, Tamara, don't go, help me." I woke him up then he told me it was someone.... holding him from me and all he wanted was for me to come and help him.

Last night... the same thing happened. I was too sleepy to actually wake him up to hear about it. I was almost dosing off all of a sudden to have arms just grabbed me and pulled me right in front of him. And he was again calling my name "Tamara? Tamara?" I remembered that I replied, and he said "I thought you left the bed. I thought you weren't next to me."

As much I would like him to go see a therapist, he won't.. he's stubborn.. what I need to do is call up and make the appointment and he will HAVE to go. I know him, its the only way.

The OW comes up, but its only me that keeps digging for things. He stays online less and wants to go to be earlier now because the OW is not there anymore, noone to lie to and play his little games. I know he wants to escape his disappointments in life, but he is going to have to look foward and not backwards....

Anyways, I woke up late as it is.. I might be late for class so I leave it there...

Thanks beleiver, I try not to focus on him when he is in this mode, yet.. I don't get it.. Even when he is mad.. he comes next to me kissing my neck and holding me...

He has also be being more helpful around the house, more willing to do things, and he even picked me up yesterday from school.... uhm go figured..

Logging off for class....

That sounds very good. Try to meet his emotional needs during this time. I know it is not fair, but that will help.

Also take good care of yourself - all of this is so stressful, wondering what is going on, the strange behavior. But I think your H is realizing what he could lose.

yes, I am trying to meet some of his EN's right now at the same time he is going through WS; I try to keep myself from taking the easy way out and not make my marriage work. I am surrounded by good people, his family has always been nice to me and not many people can say that about their in-laws..... I know my husband is a good man, but he has things inside himself that I alone cannot fix, but I will help him to get a therapist. Even I need one!!! So if anyone knows about counseling online....because I need an English speaking therapist... and it has to be in Belgium, or something I do online.. so.

I think I am doing better each day Beleiver, and thank you so much girlfriend for helping me.. and not letting me drop my chin on the floor. I send him little note of encouragement everyday at work. He just emailed me and sent me kisses <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but also say me going to school is more important his job. I just wrote back and told him what he does give us housing, food, car, all the little comfort in life that I need to actually go to school.
He needs a job change soon, I think its that job that drove him also into the affair, he has other things from his past, but this job just dropped him right into emptiness feeling like what he does do not not matter and I know how he loves admiration...... he likes a crowd to clap for him.
I send him little ecards everyday to tell him how much I appreciate the things he does for me.

A little at time........... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Pushing....

It's all for the first half of the day. I will try to get dinner ready and clean as he loves ORDER! hehe

Trying hard to meet EN's.... but he says he wants his space at times. I have been clingy lately, because I don't trust him anymore. So I watch his every MOVE...

I doubt Plan A would agree with me... I even look if he goes to the bathroom with his cellphone. I haven't been checking the cellphone lately.. I think last time I did was sunday, so barely 3 days.

I am tired of supervising!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to stop! It's driving me crazy, its driving him crazy. He is afraid to be 10 minutes late at home because of the way my head would be..and questioning.. I am tired of myself.. and somewhat tired of him somehow.

I'm living, breathing, thinking....trying to do my school work, but that's not working very well.
I don't want to do plan B...because he isnt talking to the OW anymore. At least I could feel he isn't..how do I make sure? I don't know. I just have to take his word for it. And her words for it..

I feel like I need a vacation.... seriously.. I need to go somewhere with someone other than my husband and spend a great time.. then I'd come back home fresh...

Just keep going as long as you can. In time you will be able to trust him more. I know it is miserable to be the warden, but it's normal for the BS.

At least he seems to be making an effort. A lot of them don't even try. And it is good that you get along well with your in-laws.

There is a good book here that you can order - Surviving Infidelity I think. Check it out. I have not read it, but everyone here keeps saying how helpful it is in understanding this thing.

Also I think Cerri (she posts on Just Found Out) does some marriage coaching by e-mail. I don't know what it costs. She also has a website called Savingyourmarriage.com. or something like that. Check out some of her threads.

Hang in there and don't give up.

Forever he will be labeled a cheater! And he knows it! This will be written in my memory for as long as we LIVE! Friends that I talk to say.. "Oh just forgive him, its either that.. or leave him." easy for them to say.

I thought it would get better with time .. it is! But not fast enough that this isn't going to drive me tothe nut house. I don't even care about getting A's anymore. I don't care about school work anything... I just do the bare minimum.......... I just want to be myself again.. vibrant!!! READY! FRESH ENTHusiastic!

I told him that I do not agree with him chatting online or having someone he talks to about our marriage. He says he can't tell me what he tells them. He says its good to have "confidant". I must say I do talk to some people .. its like therapy... Like I talk here; I don't tell him what I write.. why should I expect him to tell me what he writes about? I am just so paranoid!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am taking the heat off him and putting it on myself because I am becoming to be a pain in the [censored] to MYSELF!! I need a vacation BADLY!!!! any suggestion? This weekend we have to go do a check up on our car, don't know if we can have some time to ourselves.. then we're going to see his parents.

I just need to get away....... its true.. like if I detached myself from this house.. everything will be ok.

This morning before he left for work, I grabbed him while he was in the bed as if to tell him not to go to work, but he has to. Going to work help his mental, he won't have to be thinking about us all day long.. and me school somewhat keep me occupied.. I guess NOT ENOUGH because I don't do homework anymore because i'm PREOCCUPIED WITH EVIL THOUGHTS!
Anyways he kissed me like three times before he head for work. I was still very sleepy. The intimacy between us is coming... the conflicts from the passed months...is somewhat fading away, we are not ignoring each other anymore.

Again, I received the invitation from my "friend" he said "whenever you want..." I mean I talked to him about things that has been happening he feels like he can be my anger leashing dummy hehhe but what he does is not in true friendship...I suspect that he wants me to so badly leave my husband. So I asked him "What makes you think that you aren't going to do the same thing tome? WHat makes you so different?"

Not that for a second that I would be thinking about leaving.. I am not.. really. I am just kinda tired of all the dramas. ANd I want to get away.. away for just a little bit. Then again I don't trust toleave him alone. YOu know we were separated for 4 months.. and everyday he would call me...attached to me.. and his mom even asked him the initial question.."Why didn't you do what you did while she was gone? WHY NOW?" HIs family are so angry.... its me that actually keep this from blowing.. because he was also willing to screw up his relationship with his parents.. but not when I'm around. These people are too nice to be treated like that. That was in his "ANGER" mode when he first confessed!

I thought about if he didn't confessed... if he didn't.. I think I would have packed my bags and leave. because I could feel the gap in our relationship and just wanted to let it go. When he did confessed.. things got out in the open..

I haven't been in contact with the OW for a week now. I will not try to contact her.. although I'd like to dig up some info.. but I won't.. I will resist the urge to screw ****s UP! If she isn't calling... he ain't calling.. Let this issue die quietly!

I will read "How to survive infidelity" I think this might help me before I mess myself up.

that was venting time.. back to HW in three hours I need to leave the house for some more schooling.

doubts are killing me. I can forgive yet I feel like whenever he is happy he is having contact with the OW even though he says he isn't. See before he was hiding it from me, and keep telling me he was no longer in contact with her, but now even when he is telling the truth....I feel like he's LYING! I can't feel secure.. so today I asked.. I can't help myself but to ask.. "Have you called her? Have she called you?" well, he says "no, but I'm going to check the cellphone to make sure..." sighs*** And everytime I see his face.. I see a CHEATER!! A ****ING LIAR!!!
The trust.. the one thing that I had and the main thing that attracted me to him is BROKEN!


I don't know if I can repair this. I still love him, but how can I live with a man I do not trust? I have to go take a look at that book. This is eating me inside!