Oops, sorry, the book is called Surviving an Affair. Try to get it.

Things will get better, I promise you. Try to forget all of this and concentrate on your grades. Stick with the MB plan, it will get better.

I'm ok today. I am not feeling overwhelmed and hurt today. since I woke up at 9 this morning.. had a 10 oclock class.. had a test... I went shopping.. I clean my house,... I have been having a good day. I received an email from H at work because I had his credit card hehehe he couldn't fill up on gas.. but he'll try to find a service place that accept cash..

Anyways I am trying to detach myself from all these emotions that are weighing me down. Last night I broke out again.. and wanting to see what he was typing online.. ok.. he was not typing weird stuff to anyone.. when he wouldn't me see.. I pull a temper and laid down on the floor.. then he gave in and let me see it. I asked everyday "she call? you call?" he says "NO, and NO" looking at me straight in the eyes. OKay.. but he won't let me look at his phone, but that's dumb because he leaves it inside the closet where I can take it and just look all calls received and made.

I am taking his word for it, because I realized how stupid I was acting.. whenever he goes downstairs or stay inside the basement too long I think he is contact the OW.. but 4 times I've check.. he was just there to clean it and bring stuff he needed inside the house lol.. the cell phone was inside the house. OK.. I was wrong. Then when I tell him, "I cannot trust you anymore, this was one of the main things we had between us...that I admire you for. You were trustworthy!" IT hurts me having to snoop around like that. I explained to him. I just want to be able to trust you again......

WHen I insisted in seing what whomever he was chatting with.. he says "you think I am having another affair?" I say "you never know.. I have to get '***** be gone' spray. He seems to be quite popular online. He's a good writer..he's a translator of course, when he writes he can charm anyone off their feet and that's his seduction.. and girls can fall for him. I just want that to stop. He assured me it was just someone he talked to.

Like this "no secrecy" issue within a marriage, this might sound contrary, but there are some things we don't want to say or talk about to our spouses.. sometimes talking to someone is best thing to do. All I write here, help me figure things out in how to deal with him.. if I told him everything I've written here.. he could take it in such a way that it's not really good. There some things I prefer to keep to myself or talk to a good friend about.. or a listener and that's what I've found here.


So today is neutral. I am ok today beleiver, I hope you are also.

Sounds like you are doing fine. It takes time to trust again. I still can't trust my H, but he has proven that he cannot be trusted.

However the rest of my life is going well. I have spent lots of effort changing myself. My self-esteem is finally coming back, and my days are good.

One of the most important things stressed here is that you can only change yourself. So that is what I am working on.

ok....in changing myself... somehow I"m being a bit more open about a lot of things to H. I try to meet his EN's. He says "you shouldn't try this hard, its ok." Well.. I do my best to be a little nicer.. because I wasn't for a while.. and make him feel special somehow. Yesterday I had dinner almost done and had lots of stuff on the table with candles ready for when he got home. He was like "Who's coming to do dinner? Bill Clinton?" hehehe gee just to show I haven't done anything like this.

I don't know if he is just getting good at hidding things or if he cut contact with the OW. I just would LOVE to know! I haven't heard from her, but lately I see a LOT OF HIM! We look at things online together, music.. yes he gets his chatting time, but I bug him for it. He doesn't have many friends IRL..he's a loner..soo

In return he is being responsive.. he is telling me about what he wants and would like to do. He's more affectionate towards me now.. She was taking all HIS TIME BEFORE! I guess now he isn't so preoccupied. He is less irritated, and less worried about the phone ringing.. or keeping it in his pocket.

Her last message to him was "Your lifeis with her. I needed to give myself a reason, so I did, but we need to talk." He also let me listen to how she was begging for him to call, but said he didn't and wouldn't.. So contact was cut.. now for a full week.

In that week.. I've seen many colors of him=WS .. from being vicious, sorry, and stupid at the same time.

Well.. I"m ok.. really. Day by day I get better. I have intuitions..and sometimes I don't listen to my intuitions, most of the the time they are right. I don't think he is in contact with the OW because I know it would throw him back from the beggining like he resent me....or being overly nice because he knows he was having his cake and eating it to. I am somewhat confirm. And if this young lady.. I wouldn't say young she's 8 years older than me.. Yeah sad.....really sad would have made the choice to step up to the plate.. he wouldn't have the guts to continue this relationship with her because he told me he can't replace.. she was an "EXTRA". If I was the OW.. I wouldn't to be an "EXTRA".. anyways I think she has a b/f also..and she doesn't say much about herself..and they both kept their lives private and she claimed that she was so IN LOVE with him. Go FiGURED!

last night was "tiring" wink wink*** but I woke up with my occasional stomach pains because I suffered for Helicobacter a couple of months back, but I don't think its completely gone from my body. That was one of the reason I wasn't very nice for a while. I went through treatment and it has calmed down, I need a breath test to see if its gone.. if not.. they will give HIGHER dosage of anti biotics..

But I think my tummy pains are mild right now and I can withstand it, but not laying down. That's oneof the reason I wasn't going to bed with him and waking up in the middle of the night.

Well.. things are looking better...I guess this is my mother's prayers and all the people that has been praying for us. I am not religious but I was raised catholic and still somewhat is catholic. We both are.. except maybe we should actually go to church once in a while. He still beleive in God and I somewhat do also..

So thanks to all who's been praying for us. We haven't given up....each day is a struggle..but at the end of the day, it feels good to have someone to hold at night.

I should head back to bed before he thinks I abandonned him. He's very dramatic.. don't want him waking up screaming my name again.

HUGS to all the beleivers.. I guess in a couple of months I'll be writing a success story..

Sounds very promising. Don't get too uspet if he does contact her. It is like an addiction. Stay on track with the MB program. It really works.

I will continue to pray for you.

Yeah beleiver, I will try, but I can't promise anything! lol.. but there is no way he can see her! Because he would have to drive or she would have to come and meet him at our town while I'm gone. Or he will have to take a day off from work, which is likely, I would know. Their only way to really communicate is through email or the phone. That is between his 8 hours of work which doesn't give much time....

I have a high temper, and I'll blow and just leave if I found out because I am making all the efforts possible.. It's him that screwed up not me. If he has an inch of dignity left inside of him.. he won't be in contact with the OW. I know I know.. its part of the script! I won't be able to tolerate it being part of my script at least. I'm putting up with WS and still is.

One thing though.. I will never understand that girl, because I understand my cheating spouse. He knows nothing about her! He said he suspected that she has a b/f that is a truck-driver.. not to downside anyone...but "WTH"? Yes I was being mean because I said.. "It's like you have caviar, and you try to order tuna through the phone." His reply was.. "Caviar turned out to be too expensive, a man like me cannot expect more than tuna." (self esteem issues)..

I wish I could paste what she wrote here.. because its in french I will have to translate.

I am taking it easy these days. Like I say.. letting time show itself. I'm 22 and I shoot.... ha ha I have too many possibilities.. I just hope time fly by and things show themselves out because you see... I want to be in the market and still attractive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have no kids, don't want them right.. and will make all the efforts not to have any. Not until I finish my MB and have a "STABLE Husband".

Take your time, do Plan A and work on you. My best actions were working on myself, cleaning the house sparkling, doing the yard, joining a women's support group, exercising, starting my own business, etc.

So while you are going through this, take the time to make yourself the best you can be. It gives you great self-esteem, your home will be a wonderful sanctuary, H will notice, and then if you decide to go on without him, you will be way ahead.

I went through the following him, following her, snooping stage. What a waste of my time. Once you have caught them, they lie. But I know it is scary and you feel like you have to make sure.

But the best way is to follow the program here, and trust that it will work.

yeah.. I'm working on it beleiver!

I am trying as hard as I can.. I am taking my time and workingon myself.. then if works out.. it should be for the best.. If not, I will be better for it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm feeling good these days beleiver.. listening to music.. dancing.. talking to friends. I give H attention, but not too much! Yeah snoop inside the phone last night lol.. there was nothing..

Anyways if the two end up together, which I doubt. Before I was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do, but now I do. I had time to think, to do and take care of my beautiful self. So if it doesn't work, I am positive I'll be ready. I am just enjoying myself right now with him. I take everything he has to offer.

He talks so much about us, about our plans, kids....its seems like with what happened, I am less enthusiastic to have kids with him. I want a strong father for my children.

It's like this is going in reverse, I love him, but not blindly.. not anymore. I am learning about codependence.. Yeah I've been reading. Dr. Harley says there is nothing wrong with it. This can keep a couple together and close. So I'm trying.
Remember I always say "maybe maybe not.." One of my favorite book by my favorite author, Robert Fulghum. He is AWESOME!!! well have 50/50 chance in this life.. its a yes or a no.. not many in between.

Thank you so much beleiver.. I am pulling out of this.. all this writing wasn't for nothing!!!!
I am not so sad anymore.. I'm feeling good. I am not secure with him.. and its best that I feel like that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

update on this weekend:

Just got back home.. We got the car fixed... I didn't go. I had a dream on friday night that I found out that he was still talk to the OW. Well I woke at 5am.. I thought about snooping.. but I didn't. I didn't do it. I am fighting the temptation. Anyways spending some time with my inlaws wasn't so bad. We went out to dinner.. then dancing.. my sisinlaw and I went dancing by ourselves.. we danced our asses off. I wasn't worry about H. He was feeling a bit down, but I didn't get it to drown me. I usually would, but I didn't. I had a great time. I went back home and slept really good.

So It was great this weekend. I still snap and reproaching concerns about the affair. He said.. "see you bring it up. you never gonna forgive me." I said "I forgive, but I do not forget.. I cannot forget." He said repeating each time is not forgiving. ha ha I can't help it.

ANyways I am taking it easy..t rying to focus on myself. i cannot control what he does, but I sure can control myself and what I do. I am trying to feel good.. I'm going for the ride. It late right and my bed is awaiting. Goodnite everyone hehe well not for you if you are in USA.. but just to those that read my "journal" I'm doing good.

MY suspicions!

Last weekend we were in the car. My husband said something....like he felt like I had something to hide.. but I replied correctly. he said "you see, if a man lie, if you bug him enough he'll spit it out.. woman will never tell you the truth." I looked at him and say.. "You need to know something that I am not telling you?" Then he said.. "NO, its just like that for the majority."

Although he said that, but I am wonder what I am keeping secret.....that he wants to know about. Somehow he feels this way. Also while we were at the beginning of plan A, he kept saying about my long time friend of almost 10 years, which I have absolutely NO CONTACT whatsoever for almost a year with. I never was having an affair with him. I think his guilt is pushing him to think that I have. No, he is not implying, but he was before, until he got back to his senses.

Anyways, to update on plan A, I'm doing fine, but I need to start focusing on school.. I really need to do a turn around and just start working really hard to get my grades up.
I am not obsessing about him anymore, no more snooping around..although I think about it sometimes. We're equally being nice to each other no L'B's for a while. I have my kisses when he gets home.. and when he leaves. Things are turning somewhat for the better. His mom even asked him "are you still talking to the OW?" She told me he said "no". heheh so I'm not the only one snooping around.. she even looked at the cellphone.. although if she had found something she wouldnt tell me so I wouldn't blow, but she'd be talking to him.

Anyways, I haven't asked about the OW..she doesn't matter anymore.. I cant help to snap at times... like I said in my last entry.. snapping! Reminding him how much pain this is. I am also understanding more and more regarding the affair.

Most WS usually snap and contacted their OW even after they say its over. I also wonder if he gets in contact with her over the phone and planning their evil deeds. I don't know...its like everything I've known about my husband is erased.. I never thought he'd have an affair and he did; so he can continue to lie to me about almost EVERYTHING! Anyways most of my friends said "you see how sorry the boy is, let it go.. let it go.. freeeeeee yourself."

I have been letting it go.. Last weekend did me such good to get away from the house and moving on.

Well that's it.. Still on Plan A and stabilizing somehow. OMG I thought this would never come where I would say such a thing.