We had our first meeting with the MC last night. It was interesting to hear his side of the A.

He doesn't even think that he had an A! He told her about the kissing that happened but completely failed to mention all the emails I found that detailed their EA and how much he loved her and how much he wanted to sleep with her!

How can this be? He just doesn't understand that what he did was so painful and such a betrayal that I may never get over it. I think that he honestly believes that what he did was "no big deal".

This just blows my mind!! Is this OK? How can I get him to understand?? I think that he needs to understand, because if he doesn't, he will always think that I am overreacting and just blowing it all out of proportion. He just doesn't see how much he hurt me!

What can I do?

Dear HopelessM: My husband didn't get it either, he had two EA's, one right after we had our first child. It broke my heart, he couldn't understand why I was so upset, after all they didn't have sex. I think sometimes if there is no sex - they don't consider it an affair. Did you bring this up with the mc? You should next session so that your husband will understand how upset you are, how much it has hurt. Probably having a 3rd party there will help. It did in mc with us, the counsellor got answers out of my husband in one session that I had tried to get for a year.

Hi HM,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that he needs to understand, because if he doesn't, he will always think that I am overreacting and just blowing it all out of proportion.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AND because he will think it's ok to do it, Again. You are not safe till he understands. It's a small step from an EA to a PA, and next time you might not be so lucky. (I'm betting you dont think you are very lucky, now. I'm sorry).

I would be more devestated by an EA than a PA. I understand sex can be just sex, but to loose his heart... that's something else.

My H saw me curled up in a ball, crying in a corner of a room. For about a week. I stopped eating and sleeping, I looked like crap. He got it.

Please keep working with the MC... MC should really help you with this. Please take care of yourself - Dru

It's not that he will think you are overreacting-he will try to convince you that you are overreacting because doing so will serve his purposes, and not yours.

I think you want him to "get' the wrong thing. You want him to "get" the concept of an emotional affair as a general thing, and that an EA is wrong. Actually, that is not what you need for him to get. What you need for him to get is that you don't trust him anymore, because of his actions. You don't feel that you are the one person in the world that he loves, because of his actions. You can no longer believe that he will not have sex with another woman, because he told another woman that that is what he wants to do. He can argue generalizations and morality with you until the cows come home, but he cannot argue that he loves you alone, that he deserves your trust, and that he has never thought of sleeping with another woman because he has proved that those things are not true. Stick with what you know and with how you feel and what you will suspect in the future as a result of what you know. These are the things you can prove unequivocally are true. It is not overreacting not to trust a husband who writes love letters to another woman. It is not overeacting to suspect that if a man tells another woman he wants to sleep with her, he is capable of acting on that desire. It is not overeacting to think you are no longer special to someone who told another woman that she is special. It is common sense and self protection.

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: elspeth ]</small>

It takes time for them to come around. Even WS's VERY committed to recovery can take a long time to "get it". My wife said the day she told me was the first time she really admitted ot herself that she had an affair. It had been physical for 3 years. DDay was HUGE turnaround day for her, and she committed herself to the marriage in a way that she never had before. Yet, it took her over 6 months before she stopped insisting that the OM (who was alos married) was a man of integrity <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Puh..leeeease! This despite saying the reason that she had to stop her affair was because she had to get her integrity back, so it's not like she didn't recognize the association between lies, broken promises, and lack of integrity. She is otherwise a fairly rational human being - or at least recognizes the truth, even if it doesn't "feel" true to her. The integrity thing is only one example of several. Another issue she just last month came around on - and we are two years into recovery. BTW, I didn't ask about that one, it isn't constructive to ask someone if they have recognized the truth yet (can you say "Disrespectful Judgment"?), she just mentioned it in passing.

by elspeth:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What you need for him to get is that you don't trust him anymore, because of his actions.

You don't feel that you are the one person in the world that he loves, because of his actions.

You can no longer believe that he will not have sex with another woman, because he told another woman that that is what he wants to do.

He can argue generalizations and morality with you until the cows come home, but he cannot argue that he loves you alone, that he deserves your trust, and that he has never thought of sleeping with another woman because he has proved that those things are not true.

Stick with what you know and with how you feel and what you will supect in the future as a result of what you know. These are the things you can prove unequivocally are true.

It is not overreacting not to trust a husband who writes love letters to another woman.

It is not overeacting to suspect that if a man tells another woman he wants to sleep with her, he is capable of acting on that desire.

It is not overeacting to think you are no longer special to someone who told another woman that she is special.

It is common sense and self protection. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is perfect, wish I had written it.- Dru

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>