I need some serious advice. I was told to come to you all.

My story goes something like this, married at age 21. Made many mistakes along the way, both my wife and I. In the beginning of last year, just when I was going to put my ALL into the marriage, my wife meets this guy and instantly begins an PA. She treats me like TRASH, is cruel and horrible. I find out the reason why, ask the guy to back off. It goes back and forth for sometime. She telling him they cannot talk, he needing her. We getting close and starting again very loving, she backs off. In July 30 she moves out.

Since she moved I learned that she has totally changed (as I understand is the case when a WS gets involved and tries to bury the guilt). She has the kids during the week and I have them on the weekend. During the weekend she entertains this guy. She does not go to church with the family. I hear she drinks now (we never drank before). I have plan A and plan B. This is still going on. We are cordially speaking currently. But this is killing me. The affair started a year ago. They are still very much attached even though I do not know where they are taking this. I hate divorce and I really do not want to divorce, but I cannot live like this any more. With the way it is now, her affair can go on for another year or so. The kids are NEVER around him so its like her weekend getaway. I have a good mind to keep the kids all the time so they can get closer and find out they are not meant for each other and she will find out what it is like to be without the kids. I have a good mind to divorce and not look back. There was an article "marriage and the family". I emailed it to her and she promised she would read it. It talked about how people like him can come into your life and fulfill this fantasy.

I just don't know. I cannot live like this any longer. It will kill me. What should I do?

also, if they are still lovey dovey, I cannot expect anything anytime soon, correct? Anything as far as her wanting to come back home or even work on the marriage?

Should I just ask after this week, if she has any plans on working on this marriage and if not then, say forget it and file??

solon:

I replied 2 your other thread, and will just urge you again 2 arrange counseling with Cerri or the Harleys. DON'T PUT THIS OFF ANOTHER MINUTE!!!

You can't educate your W. You can't interfere with the A and expect her 2 come around. You CAN burst the bubble, though. More importantly, you can live life for YOU and your KIDS. You need 2, whether you reconcile with your W or not.

You CANNOT expect ANYTHING. You can hope, though. Your expectations are yours alone and can only disappoint you. Your hopes will sustain you, so long as you don't let them become expectations.

You have not EARNED a divorce. You don't want one, so do not talk about it, even if she brings it up. I suspect that she won't, because she's gotten comfortable on her fence. You need 2 undermine the fence so that she falls off. By this I mean stop trying 2 educate her, but don't enable her lifestyle either. Seek sole custody of the kids so that she can/is forced 2 spend all her time with the OM, and so that he has 2 meet all her ENs. It sounds like she's lying 2 him just like she is 2 you and the kids. If you undermine the fence she's on, she'll have 2 choose. She's been able 2 avoid choices for a year.

-ol' 2long

Hi solon,

Let me echo 2longs good advice....get a good marriage coach to help you navigate these rough waters! There are times in everyone's life where they need help. Some of the things you need to do are counter intuitive....and it helps to have an objective, trained coach to guide you.

Stop entertaining the idea of divorce right now and answer some questions for me so that when cerri finds the time to check in...they'll be right here.

One of the things cerri loves is when the affair partners live together since it usually hastens the end of the fantasy. That may be what you're sensing a little too huh?

Since cerri may not make it here too soon....let me ask you some questions I'll know she'll need to help.

How old are you and your wife?
How long have you been married?
How many children? Ages?
How did you meet?
First marriage for both?

Yes, it's not uncommon at all for a spouse to change dramatically during the affair. Please tell me about your Plan A. Who knows about the affair. Have you confronted your wife about the pain the affair is causing you? How long was the Plan A? You mentioned a Plan B....did you impliment one? Write a letter?

Just trying to get a feel for exactly where you are in this process....so don't go into detail...but give cerri a nice synopsis that describes the major incidents, how you ended up here....what reading you've done. Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? If not, please get a copy of that. Sorry it took so long to get to you....but today was crueling. John has some really great information in his tagline....and hopefully he'll come along soon and you can access those links.

Keep posting....will help as much as possible. Sorry you're hurting.

Thanks Star,

Here are the answers to the questions

How old are you and your wife? 30/29
How long have you been married? 9yrs
How many children? Ages? 2 (4,8)
How did you meet? In high school
First marriage for both? yes

She knows how much it hurts. I never really did a plan a or a plan b to be honest. Each time I tried I failed at it.

She has totally lost her mind.

solon,

If you weren't able to do a Plan A or B....what did you do? I have a lot more questions in that previous post too....so try to answer those for me okay. In the meantime, because I'm not here much anymore (and cerri seems to be here even less <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) why not go ahead and send me an email starfish4729@hotmail.com

Go out and buy that book...Surviving and Affair if you do not have it....because so much of what you are describing is text book...and it will help to know that your situation is not hopeless or evern unique (unfortunately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

Keep posting here to get help from others as well.