I need your help on this issue.
H and I have separated last December, just before
New Year.

We have been married 10 years, and have two adorable daughters of 9 and 4. We live in Japan.

As this is my first post here, let me explain our situation a bit.

H met her while he was on business trip to Hong Kong. They are doing an important project in HK together in Marketing area. She could help him know about the market in HK, and he really appreciates her support. Besides, she was having a problem with her fiancee for 10 years, and he felt he had problems with our marriage, they *say*
they are very similar in their feelings and they are meant to be together.

I have found almost 100 of their e-mails each says a selfish and stupid fantacy to live together, he dump all of his family here and move to HK. She even said"We can tell our wonderful Love Story to everybody after we overcome this difficult situation." What a stupid thing to say!!

I sent her an e-mail to tell her that our children are very much hurt from what happened, my 9 year old even couldn't go to school for two weeks,
because she cannot eat enough, has fever every day.
Also, I told her that she has no right to judge me from what my H said, who is in a fantacy.

She surprisingly replied me and apologized for what happened. She worries about us and she would like to help us. She said she is 'giveup' and she can hold back. But H asked her to wait.

I continued to exchange e-mail with her a while, partially because I could get the information from her. But as we go on, she sometimes says that hurts me and irritates me a lot. i.e. she and he have arguments sometimes but a postive one, and knows what each other thinks as another self. or it is a matching problem for all of us that our marriage did not go well.
I told her to stop exchange e-mails for a while because it hurts me. She said she will "check" on me to see once in a while to see how I am doing.


Sorry for a long story.
My question here is that shall I ask my H what he feels now?

I want him to come back only if he can decide to cut the relationship with her. But the difficult part is that he is doing his important business with her and this is almost the first time he says that he could put all his energy and ability into. I don't want destroy his hope on that. Also, if I tell his boss about it and ask not to send him to HK for this project, he might lose his job, which strikes straight to our childrens'
expenses. I am also working full time, but as a contracted employee, and my salary is 1/3 of my H (though we have same education)and our elder has a problem with her kidney and the younger has asthuma. They need care and I can't increase my work at present.

I want to accept him and willing to change to meet his needs, if only he could decide to cut the realationship with her. But I think they still contact each other at least on business and continues to do so until this project ends.
Shall I wait to ask his feelings and try to enjoy myself first? But it really makes me feel depressed to be suspicious about what they are doing. I am too have a problem with recovery from the cruel words he said to me.

Could somebody help me? I appreciate anybody could post me your opinion.

Welcome to marriage builders. You have found a good place to be. Please read everything on this site. It will help you save your marriage.

Start with Plan A. Read all about it here. It is difficult to do, but is important. It includes filling his emotional needs, no disrespectful judgements.

Read here and post for awhile before you confront your husband. On the marriagebuilders plan you will learn many things that go against what you feel like doing. By the way, I did not do Plan A because I did not find this site in time. So that is why I caution you to read first. It is difficult to get the idea, but it is proven to work.

When you first find out things are miserable, but they do get better, especially when you have a plan. Keep reading and posting and we will help you get through this hard time.

　Thank you for your reply, believer.
I have sent you a message earlier, but clicked the wrong button.

I read the Plan A part and generally it is to
cut the relationship between My H and the lover,
learn his (and my) needs and try to meet them as much as I can do.

I met my H this weekend, because he wanted to come over and stay overnight with children. He says he definitely love our children, but he doesn't like me, he hates my parents and younger sister living very close here, so that he doesn't want to come back.
He also told me he feels he was kicked out from this house. The reason we were finally separated was her pictures he was hiding in his bag.
That day, I needed to get the insurance card for our children, and as H was sleeping in bed room as he caught a cold. When I look for the card, naturally I look for other part of his bag knowing that is a wrong thing to do, but couldn't stop, some instinct tells me something is still going wrong. And I found about 10 pictures each has a comment of her saying "We were very happy at that nite" and her letters through e-mails.

I asked him if I could throw them away because it hurts me more than anything, but he said no and grub my hands and half kicked me to take those pictures back.
just one night before, I prepared Christmas present and decorated the house nicely for his to come back from his business trip from HK. He told me he will talk with her to be separated when he leaves, and never have sexual relationship with her any more, but after the trip he says he just cannot be separted with her.
He said he needs time to think.

Then that photo battle happened. I was so furious and sad that he hit me only for photos and told him we should separate.

He took it as a separtion before divorce. I took it as separation to give him time.
He says our timing doesn't meet right every time for everything.

I can't walk right now because of a great shock even taking pills from Phychologist.

I feel deseparate. What shall I do now?
Do I have any hope??