I have read everything, I really think EVERYTHING, on this whole wbsite and I am really confused. It seems that we, the ones who have been cheated on, are still going to get the shaft. There are love busters that we need to be careful of, which really makes it seem as if we have to hide our true feelings. I am mad a shell and I want him to know how I feel. I'm hurt, betrayed, broken, and most of all so, so sad. How in the world am I supposed to control my feelings that I have no control over? He did this to me. It was a situation where we had everything and it still happened. He was "weak and it happened". He never meant for it to, but it did and he is sorry. WHATEVER!! How did he find himself in that situation? Proximity, the OW and I WERE friends, close friends at that. She looked up to him, "just like I did". She needed him, "just like I did". Her marriage was on the rocks and he was a good listener. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!! I want him to know I am so upset and I want it never to happen again. I have strong emotions that come pouring out at the wierdest times. Love Busters, my butt. It is emotion true and simple. He is at MIL and I have the kids at home. He wants back, I need time. What is the purpose of catering to HIS needs when mine aren't being met? He had his cake AND ate the whole darn thing. Isn't it my turn? How can I fix something that wasn't broken to begin with? Do I even want to? How can I trust my feelings that I once had when I was being lied to? How can I know I was still "the one" even though he got "caught up" in the OW? What did I do wrong? Nothing....now I look like the crazy one since it came from nowhere and I am emotional. Sue me! Has anyone been in this situation? Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey TTT,

Calm down a bit. Yes, what you are going through and what the rest of us faced is crazy. Your anger is understandable. You and your family took a beating with this A. The purpose of avoing LBs is to allow the BS (you) to show you realize areas in your life where you could improve. In some cases, the A has a boost by LB tendenacies. I know the BS does not intend it to go that way but in some cases of neglect, it does.

Look, there is more to your story than you have told. I am NOT saying you are totatlly wrong, but read the info again (concepts section and some books: Suriving an Affair and His needs/Her needs), this will help. It is vital you invest some reading time in order to understand what we are saying here.

Get with a good counselor. When the WS is truly remorseful and ready to come back to the family (emtionally, physically, mentally, financially, etc.) often the BS goes through stages of grieving and one of the is ANGER.

Been there done that. I know how you are feeling. The point is that we also know what you will be going through and it can be + or - depending on your current actions. You are at a critical time. I am NOT suggesting you be a punching bag of emotional abuse but right now BOTH you and your H need some good gudiance. Get with a good MC who is familar with MB principles. If you and your H can call Steve together with a phone counseling session (right in your home), that w/b great. Steve is great for talking with H's who are the WS.

Know that your personal and M recovery will take a while. Your Ws saying he is sorry isn't all that is needed. On the other hand, don't set the stakes too high right up front but don't let him come back and give any anger from the A to you.

Know that you can' t control him nor can he control you. Yet you BOTH need to have proper control in your family so really the old adage applies: Look out for the needs of the other. If you both do this, your M will survive.

take care and welcome to MB.
L.

<small>[ January 31, 2004, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I think what you need to realize is that the MB principals regarding affairs are for the behaving spouse who wants to save the marriage. If you don't want the lying, cheating bum back in your life, then of course just tell him so and move on. Since you say you need time, it sounds as though you aren't entirely sure you want to dump the lying, cheating bum, so it might be wise not to burn any bridges just yet.

There is a Spanish saying-I don't know what it is in Spanish but the English translation is " 'Take what you want and pay for it', says God." Now would be a good time to decide what you want, and how much you are willing to pay for it. If the price of keeping your marriage together seems too high, in terms of having to stifle your feelings and protect someone who did not protect you from hurt, then don't take it and don't pay for it.

I guess what I need is a ggod answer form him. Our marriage was really great and he will say the same. He says I did nothing wrong, that I give him everything, and that is was simply the fact that the need was there from someone else and he could fulfill that need. How heroic! He doesn't claim love except for me, but I don't see how, if anything wasn't wrong, how could he have let it get to this point? Is he lying? What in the world am I supposed to do about trust now when all I thought I knew and felt was a lie? I don't know that I can get over this, it is hard!!!! In a way I wish I could say there were problems so maybe I could justify it, but I've asked over and over(I know) and he says he can't give me a reason because he doesn't know. She and her husband have moved to Pennsylvania since he was here only for school so the proximity is gone. I can't help feeling like all this could go away, but how do I heal myself and my hurt? Will time help, of course, but how long? Do I even try? What if it happens again?

...the need was there from someone else and he could fulfill that need....

Perhaps this is your husband's underlying need, to feel needed? Perhaps he doesn't feel you "need" him, that you are self-sufficient and able to take care of yourself. Perhaps one of his emotional needs is that in order to be happy he has to feel that the people in his life depend on him to take care of them to some extent.

As you travel this road and uncover all of the "why" reasons he did this, mark them to memory. They are the unmet needs, needs you didn't know were there because he never shared those with you. You have unmet needs. Have you shared those with him?

Please tell us more so we can be of more help to you. We do understand your anger, frustration and pain. We do want you to know that there are answers, but they come slowly. There is healing, but it takes time.

Welcome to MB.

I think you need a clearer idea of what lovebusters are, too. Not everything that he might not want to hear is a lovebuster. You can certainly tell him that you disapprove of his conduct. You can tell him that you are extremely hurt and that you are not sure that you can ever trust him again. You can tell him that you are disappointed in the answers that you are getting from him and that nothing you have heard so far reassures you that this won't happen again. You can tell him you are afraid. You can even tell him that you are angry at him. After all, Radical Honesty is another component of Marrriage Builders. The point is, in telling him this, you are supposed to avoid disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, selfish demands, independent actions, and annoying habits. So saying, "I am extremely hurt by your having an affair, I am angry beyond belief, I am not ready for you to come home and don't even know if I ever will be" is perfectly fine, but saying, "You are a selfish louse who doesn't deserve to have a family" at the top of your lungs is not. At least, that is my understanding of it.

And you can also set conditions on taking him back and starting recovery, and one of the conditions can be that he comes up with some better answers for how all this started, since you can't trust it won't happen again until you know why it happened this time.

I like that idea of setting conditions. Thanks! We were a very close couple, letting each other be touch with each other. He is a very touchy person and I loved to have that feel of his hand on my neck or cheek. We would often just look at each other in bed and would always say sweet things to one another. He does "need" and I thought I gave that to him. I don't know how I could have done more. I can't accept this is my fault, and I know I don't have to. This was all him and what he wanted. Am I not enough? He says I am. What if I don't get the answers I think I need. I think I overanalyze. Hence the name. Is it really possible it could have "just happened" and how do I make sure it won't happen again? Never have close friends or never let myself be that trusting? He says when he began to realize it was getting out of hand he couldn't stop because he knew it would ruin a lot of relationships. He says he was hoping it would all eventually go away. We knew they were moving home, but I found out sveral months before that. This past November. I was in denial, of course, since she was a good friend and he was being a good friend back. I knew of the conversations. They would meet for a little while and I always new about it. She needed a man's opinion and I didn't have a reason to suspect him or her. NAIVE!!!!!!!!!! When I heard her say she had feelings for him to me I was floored. I confronted, he said he could see it and he liked the attention and he got sucked in. They kissed and touched. No intercourse. What a relief..HA! I don't care what it was, I would never do that. EVER! I guess I am just to the point where I really need to know he is devoted to us and will never let himself be put in a situation like that. Boy, do I feel like an evil, nasty, jealous person. I hate how I feel!

Think,

This is NOT your fault. The blame for involving himself in an affair lies solely with your husband.

Understanding why it happened might indicate you have areas you can work on to make your marriage stronger in the future, but the blame of what has transpired between your H and your friend is all theirs, not yours.

Can it "just happen?" I don't believe so. He allowed it to happen. He made a choice at some level to welcome her into his inner circle. She made a choice to draw close to him. Both of them knew at the time it was dangerous. They knew they could hurt others. They chose to take the chance anyway. It did not just "happen."

He says they kissed and touched. That makes it a physical affair. Please, do not be so quick to believe him when he tells you there was no intercourse. I can not count the many times a WS tells the BS, "it was just emotional. We kissed a couple of times." Nine times out of ten it eventually comes out that was a lie. They lie because they fear hurting the BS even more. They lie because they think they can dig themselves out of the pit they've constructed and save face.

Only when they see that they can't heal their marriage without divulging all the truth will they finally come clean. I only tell you this so you can be prepared, somewhat, if it turns out he has been lying about the depths of the physical affair. I pray he isn't, but the lives of the people on this board tells a different story.

And don't feel bad for being a "nasty, jealous person." It is part and parcel of recovering from infidelity. You won't be that way forever, I promise. But don't apologize in the meantime. You've been wounded, terribly, by two people you loved. That would make anyone crazy.

I know what you mean when you think this is crazy. I have been in IC (so has my husband) since December 2003 and have come to quite a few good conclusions about myself and our marriage.

The one feeling I cannot seem to shake is that I am the only loser in this f'ed up story. My husband wins because he made me move out of our home and is getting the freedom that he wanted - away from me and his ability to live the life of a bachelor again. The OW and her fiance win because she decided to stay with him and he decided to keep her. Now, they are pregnant and going on with their lives. I am the one who is supposed to be happy and pregnant right now. Not that whore. My husband, the OP (other pig) and her fiance all work together. This makes me sick. They all do not speak according to my husband and one of my best friends that works there, too.

So,here I sit in this overpriced, underfurnished apartment away from my husband and my home that I love so much. Just me and our kitty. Away from my family that I have been avoiding like the plague since this happened because I am so humiliated and embarrased that this happended to me after I defended my husband to the end that he wasn't making me leave because he was involved with someone else (I didn't know about his PA at the time). I also don't trust anyone in my family to confide in them because they all talk about everything and everyone's problems. Also, my family can be very mean and vindictive. I don't want to give them any ammunition against my husband for any reason. I want to work this out with him so badly -- I don't want him to feel any more uncomfirtable around them than he already will.

The good thing is we've been spending some time together lately and have even gone on a weekend skiing trip a couple of weeks ago. I've been doing all that I can to Plan A his little heart out. It's funny because Plan A doesn't seem like work - just what I should have been doing all along.

He invited me over tonight to watch the Super Bowl. I told him I would love to come over and I can't wait!

Sorry for the ramble..........