I am really stuck lately with my/our recovery and cannot seem to let myself really open up my heart to my husband. How do I do this? Do I need to forgive first, then trust again? Or do I learn to trust first and then forgive? I am swinging between both and am frustrated with myself. I fear I may never love my husband without holding back.
A bit of background: Dday in October (EA became PA) and more revelations 2 weeks ago (about the PA side of things-says he wanted to protect me and not hurt me by giving the full story). Strangely, I wasn't stunned by the full story b/c I suspected it strongly. I have been working hard at my marriage and so has he but I still have triggers and finding the OW's phone number still in his wallet made me freak out and yelling, lb'ing,crying, feeling sorry for myself--well, you know all of that stuff. I felt so out of control when I saw the number--my heart started to pound, I couldn't think straight, and confronted him too strongly I think. I regret that so much because I feel that I've moved our recovery back again. He gave me a very reasonable excuse and was disappointed that I showed so little trust in him. He is sad today and says he is confused because for weeks I seem fine and then I just blow it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I expecting too much from myself? Am I trying too hard? I can hardly stand myself when I'm like this and fear hurting my husband who has, granted, turned my life upside down, has ruined any self-esteem that I had, but has made sincere efforts to improve our life. I haven't Plan A'd really. Do you think that is what I need? Sorry for the long post but I really need some advice from those who have been there. Thanks, S
