I posted here a while ago about my W having an affair with the Neighbour. This has ended and my W and I are trying to recover our marriage. She has opened up and told me everything, right down to any details I wanted.

As much as it hurt, that is what we needed. Now I am finding myself on constant moods swings. I can change from hour to hour. Since I caught them by recording audio, I know way too much about their affair.

How do I get this out of my head? How do I stay calm and "get over it" (my words, not hers)? My wife has been very supportive of my outbursts and moments of pain.

Does it ever go away? Can you truely rebuild a marriage after someone has done this?

From personal experience I can tell you that while the images in your head may never go away, their emotional impact will most certainly fade away with thime. What helped me was when I finally accepted the reality that I couldn't speed up my recovery and that these images in my head would be a normal part of my life for a year or two, then they started losing their emotional impact on my psyche. Your W can also help by realizing that your personal recovery will go through peaks and valleys (the dreaded emotional rollercoaster) it but that it is part of the healing process and that her patience, understanding and support will be crucial for BOTH during the rough times. Maybe you can also help her if she goes through times when she experiences feelings of guilt, sadness and despair, by showing your patience, understanding and support as well.

Dave caught my wife with a recorder as well. She was leaving him a message on his voice mail and then talking to herself.

Tough to hear it straight up.

It does take time.

How long ago did you find out? How long was the affair?

I found out on New Years Eve and the A had been going on for a few weeks. Hearing her make love to another man has destroyed me. I think the incident has scared both of us.

I always told myself that I would never stick around if someone did that to me. But here I am with two children and a wife that I really love. Leaving would definitely be easier, but our marriage is worth fighting for.

It's the toughest thing that I have ever been through. It scares me to think that I could feel this way for 1 to 2 years.

Dave,

You won't feel THIS way for one or two years....but it will take that long for the emotional impact to truly fade. These acute feelings will fade to a more manageable level after about 3 months....but the pain will last longer...just won't be so intense. I remember telling my H...."If what you did doesn't destroy our marriage...my reaction to it will." I realized somewhere at about 3 months out that the biggest threat to my marriage was no longer the infidelity, but my pain and anger over the infidelity. I finally asked myself some questions that helped me put things in perspective: How long am I willing to suffer for what HE did? How long will I pay for HIS sins? Where do I want to live...back there? Or here? You can't steer a car if you're sitting backwards in it ya know? At some point, you'll turn around in that seat....grab the steering wheel and decide where you want to go.

Thank you very much. You're absolutely right!

Dave,

One of the things that's painfully obvious to me about marriages is this: Most marriages CAN and DO survive infidelity. What they do NOT survive is neglect. To get the most from your experience here....explore what it takes to make a REAL recovery plan. What extra ordinary precautions are in place for instance...to avoid the former OM? Is she accountable for her time and money. Are you using Radical Honesty to help understand how you ended up here....and what adjustments will prevent this from EVER happening again??? All of that....will go a long way in helping to ease your pain.

Starfish -
Do most marrigaes survive infidelity??? I have heard that 2 out of 3 do not survive an Affair?
I try real hard not to listen to to much advise but from what I hear things can never be the same. Your perception of the WS is forever tainted. Kind of a daunting thought - even though I am fighting like hell to stay rational and believe my WS when he says we can move forward for a better marriage or have the emotional disconnect that existed years before his short A.