Ummm, where do I start?
I am 28 now and my wife and I have been together since I was 16, been married for 7 years come this June. We have a 3yr old boy.
I started getting back into God and church about 6 months ago and heard about His Needs / Her Needs on a radio show and went and picked it up not too long ago. That's what brought me to this site originally.
I while back (a couple months I guess), I used my wife's Yahoo email address to order something and asked her to check it to see if the seller had sent anything about the order. She said she was busy and gave me her Login and Password and said it was ok if I check her email. When I logged on, I saw a couple older emails from a guy she met in college that later worked with her for a while and earlier last year or so, quit that job and is doing something else now. I have met him, his wife and kids a few times and he seems like a "ok" guy. These emails bother me, since I've never heard her talk to anyone in the tones she uses with him. There are slight references to conversations that seem to show that at one time, they were having an affair.

Below, are the emails from Nov. 4th-7th 2003:
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Date: Tue, 4 Nov 2003 08:22:53 -0800 (PST)
From: Amy
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
To: Emailaddresshere



Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy
Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy
Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy
Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy
Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy
Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy
Birthday.Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday.etc.

hope you have a wonderful day,
Amy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Date: Tue, 04 Nov 2003 10:33:54 -0600
From: Aaron
To: Amy
Subject: Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!



You remembered my birthday.

And put a big, stupid smile on my face. Golly.

Makes me glad I worked up the nerve to tell you what I did in the car
that day. Bet you thought I'd forgotten all about that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, in kind:
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
thankyou.

How was Big Mister Mark's Halloween. Meredith was a bat, Zander was a
not-so-super Superman (he was too tired to leap tall buildings) and
pretty much eradicated the neighborhood candy infestation.

Lunch. Soon.

Love,
Me.

Date: Wed, 5 Nov 2003 06:01:37 -0800 (PST)
From: Amy
Subject: Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
To: Aaron



Of course I remembered....to be honest your e-mail
might have helped me remember a little.

Mark was a lion for Halloween, the pumpkin was
overfilled so we should be in good supply for the next
year or so. It was very hot!

Nothing much new here except that Donna Sharpe left
Robert last week. He is crushed and trying to work
things out....he is around much more and she is all he
seems to talk about. I know that you will rush out to
get a sympathy card...hee hee.

Talk to you soon,
Amy

Date: Wed, 05 Nov 2003 08:17:23 -0600
From: Aaron
To: Amy
Subject: Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!



Mmmmfffffffffffhhhhaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!

TELL me you've passed that along to Glenn. It'll make his day. Heck,
his year.

And you know, I might just do that. A sympathy would be the
compassionate thing to do, after all.

::

Birthdays sometimes get me all maudlin, but I'm very glad you're still
my pal.

Again: Lunch. Soon.

--
Aaron

Date: Fri, 7 Nov 2003 05:56:48 -0800 (PST)
From: Amy
Subject: Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
To: Aaron



I haven't told Glenn yet. You can if you would like.
And yes, we will have to meet for lunch one day....(if
I take a lunch, it is normally on Fridays).

-Amy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And here are the emails from last week:
-----------------------------------------

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 09:21:32 -0800 (PST)
From: "Amy
Subject: hello
To: "Aaron



How's it going?

Things are ok here I guess. Mark and Tim are doing
well. Work was ok until last week...but there is
always some crazyness going on. The latest is that we
are going to move downtown along with Sharpe Graphics.
We are officially The Sharpe Group...And the best part
of this latest plan is the building is a two story
building on Main Street...so Robert is going to sell
his house and build an apartment upstairs above our
offices and print shop. YIKES!!

Anyway, Not that you would really care anymore, but it
is a laugh. Enough about me. I just wanted to say hi.
And see how things are going.

-Amy

Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 08:27:32 -0600
From: "Aaron
To: "Amy
Subject: Re: hello



Hey there, loveliest of Amys.

Aren't you just the little font of information? I had no idea that
Sharpe Graphics had moved downtown. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical,
reasonable, well-thought-out explanation behind that one. Last I'd
heard, Sharpe Graphics had been bought by Starr-Toof. Or was that idle
rumor?

A two-story building that ol' Robert's gonna live in, eh? Lose a wife,
buy a building. I can see that. Cheaper, and less maintenance. However,
you do realize you'll soon be working in Robert's HOUSE, right?
(heeheehee) Yep, you'll finally have become little more than domestic help for
the Sharpe Clan. I wonder if he'll ever show up in a bathrobe and bunny
slippers. Or maybe provide a little French Maid outfit for you... Then
again, that's probably me projecting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Still, the new commute's gotta sorta suck for you, kiddo. Makes a long
day even longer. Sorry about that. Glad to hear your boys are doing
well, though. The Drown Brood is flourishing as well. They just keep
getting bigger, man. It's starting to be a little frightening.

Got in touch with Ashley Huttula last week. She's agreed to her long
(LONG) standing offer to take her vicious red pen to my novel now that
it's getting to be as done as I can make it. So, we'll see if I'm still
speaking to her this time next year.

And, Amy-m'love, that's the news that's news. Guess we really, really
need to have lunch another time or two before you head for the river.
I'll NEVER get to see you then.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

--
Aaron
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What should I do here? If I confront her, she will just deny it, I don't have enough proof.
Help!!
~Tim

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: Metimbo ]</small>

Sounds like an EA to me. Read all about Plan A and meeting her EN's. You can starting to meet her needs and then she won't be so interested in her friend.

Well...it's inappropriate...and THAT's what you confront with. And then you ASK about how much other involvement there could be...and you make it safe for her to tell you. Then, you get some keystroke software to find out if she's being honest....as well as phone records.

There's potential there that this could be a full blown EA and then maybe one day a PA. I would confront her in a loving way and let her know how it makes you feel. As your W, she should care that it hurts you and discontinue immediately.

Good luck!

I think I'm going to disagree with the other replies. I don't see anything too far out of bounds, altho it could quickly become out of bounds if they aren't careful. This definitely doesn't sound like any of the emails that my H had saved on his computer going back before his affair really took off. They were much more "thought provoking" and leading. But of course, that is my experience...and does not mean that your experience would be the same.

I do find that the fact your wife had no problem giving you her email password and in such a confident manner....may well mean that she doesn't see any danger or fault with her emails to this friend. As likely, if she felt she had anything to hide, she would have rushed to check for you herself, instead of giving you password. That is telling in my humble opinion.

Now...saying all this in your W's defense...she does need to understand that she needs to be on guard. That this could become an issue which could damage your bond as husband and wife. You need to carefully approach her with the fact that you did indeed "snoop" and that what you found made you feel uncomfortable. Which is reason enough to make it an issue for discussion and agreement...as husbands and wives need to do from time to time.

You need to be honest with her...and be clear that while you feel bad about snooping, you just thought you were looking around...something we all do, never expecting to find anything to be uncomfortable about. Remember...you can't expect her to be honest, if you're not.

Create a space to discuss this issue where the children will not intrude, you both are calm, and you've got the peace and quiet to discuss your actions, her actions and how the two of you can come up with a plan that satisfies you both. I would definitely NOT accuse her of doing anything wrong at this stage. Just that you are very uncomfortable with the extent of her emails.

While many do not feel that you can have a close friend who isn't of your sex, I disagree. But you do need to be fully aware of the dangers which MAY happen and be on guard of your own boundaries and what is acceptable and what is not.

Good Luck!

ps...question: What in these emails made you believe that there was some prior relationship/affair between them? If it was "what was said in the car", then I would ask my W to explain that statement in both his email and hers.

I have had these other emails for a while now. I have been reading Her Needs/ His Needs and I have been working really hard on our marriage and she is responding. We are both starting to come around finally. I don't know if I should confront her about this or just let it go. I don't want to ruin what we have been working on.
At the same time, she DID email him this Monday and when I saw all of this, I can't say that I was happy. I couldn't even speak to her on IM today hardly.
If I do confront her, can someone give me a sample script to follow as to not get her defensive? I love her and I want to move forward at any cost.
Thanks again for your help,
~Tim

It seems the long string of Thankyouthankyouthankyou etc is throwing off many people's browswers.

May I suggest that you edit this to maybe only 80 character of thankyou, or just replace the long character string with a short

<Many Thankyou's> and leave it at that.

Other than editing the first message, I don't know how to address the problem for others having a hard time viewing this thread.

Metimbo or a mod will need to make these changes as there is little the readers here can do to fix their displays other than perhaps change fonts, and buy huge monitors (not practical for most.)

Like my grandmother says, I'm on a fixed income, mine is just called a salary, LOL.

Tony

It seems that you MUST bring it up...IF you want to have an honest marriage and one without hidden resentments which you are already beganning to show.

As for scripts...you will find the words by looking in your heart, thinking how you would want your W to come to you if she was feeling about a friendship you shared with a female friend (where there is nothing but friendship). What would you want her to say to you? How would you want her to began? Sometimes, just being very open and honest that you have an uncomfortable situation which has arrisen and you need to talk to her is the best beginning...then begin with I Love You! NO BUT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then tell her what is in your heart.