Just found out last night my wife has been sleeping with my best friend since December.I feel like dying and in total dismay! Just a bit of background, back in October or november we tried swinging with my best friend and his girlfriend. It was awefull, I had alot of problems with it and was bothered by it. Come to find out my wife had feelings for my friend and had kinda pushed the whole situation. After it happened I found out we realy had some issues and we had I thought worked them out. Never to try that again. My friend works with my wife which is self employed. I had a feeling latley something was going on so I questioned her and she admitted it. The thing is we had been working on our issues and been going well but come to find out this past month they had had sex quite regularly. I realize I am a taker and she is a giver and she found some emotional connections to the friend being he is a giving person himself. We have always had a somewhat exciting sex life but after we tried the swinging thing and realized how wrong of a decision that was I had been trying to be a better husband. I just can't imagine she pursude an affair after we worked things out. She has said it was all her fault but want's us to stay together. She had ended the relationship a week ago. She is a very loving and giving person and I'm more of a taker and solid person that doen't share my feelings often, We have a child and she is a great mother! I'm so sick right now I wish I could dissapear and happen to pull up this web site and try to find some support before I loose it! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I am so sorry for your pain.
It sounds like your wife tricked you into pushing for you to engage in wife swapping so she could be with your best friend. This allowed her to continue to have sex behind your back with him.
What I would suggest is to immediately inform your best friend's wife. She has a right to know and hopefully will make sure it will not start up again. This is absolutely essential that you do this.
Second, get into marriage counseling at once. I don't blame you feeling sick that she was having sex regularly with your best friend and then having sex with you. Your story is sketchy but why does your wife wish to stay married to you? Is it because she cannot have your best friend or wishes to maintain her lifestyle with you. Just make sure she is not a cakewoman because it really sounds like she is. Get into counseling because I would be very worried that this would start again in the future. I wish you luck.

Her is some more info: My friend's girlfriend is no longer around they had seperated right after christmas, they where just dating. My wife I think found things in my friend that I was not providing emotional wise. The thing that bothers me the most is about my friend is six yeas ago he had got a divorce because he walked in on his wife with another guy! We gave hime a place to stay until he got back on his feet, and I watched him go through hell! He said he would hope no-one would ever have to go through what he experianced, and here he is screwing my wife! We have been frinds since we where kids! I have been married 10 years this summer! My wife is a very emotional person and is tore up about it. She said she was emotional attached to him . That the sex wasn't better or that she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life? And I know I haven't always been the most carying husband but at the same time what the hell. I just don't know I f I should go on or what! I'm just tore apart and feeling like I have died!

feelingstabbed- Yes it is awful when you first find out. Most of the people here have been through that heartache.

Your situation sounds very promising, though. Start reading the information here on emotional needs. You need to quickly fill some of your wife's EN's. With women they say it is usually an emotional connection that leads them to stray.

Your friend will now have to be out of your life. Sorry, but he has betrayed you. Your wife needs to write a NC letter to him saying she loves you and wants to save her marriage and will have no contact with him ever again.

Keep posting and reading here and we will get you through this.

What it sounds like is your wife and this OM were having an affair and entered into a conspiracy to pull you into swinging to make it easier to continue having an affair. The affair may have had it's start when the OM was living in your home. IMO if you dig deep enough you will probably uncover more evidence of how your loving wife was making a fool of you.

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>

Feeling Stabbed..I have been in you shoes. I had a friend who caught his ex in an affair. Guess what?...This same friend came to be the OM in my WW's A. As the others have told you, be sure that your wife has NC with him whatsoever. Talk with her and I hope all goes well.

Good Luck,
Karl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

There you go again Bryanp. Why do you always have to be so graphic? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

This allowed her to continue to have sex behind your back with him.


I don't blame you feeling sick that she was having sex regularly with your best friend and then having sex with you.

He ALREADY knows what she did. You don't have to spell it out for him. EVERYBODY feels sick when their spouse has sex with someone other then themselves. You said in another post that I have issues. Well it seems to me that you are the one with the issues when men post here about their wives cheating on them. It seems that great pleasure is taken in spelling it out all the time in your reply posts. IT HURTS ENOUGH. You don't have to rub salt in the wound.

Just make sure she is not a cakewoman because it really sounds like she is.

And that last statement is just NOT TRUE. His wife is sorry and feels terrible. She told him right away that she feels awful about what happened, I don't read anywhere in his posts where she sounds like a cakewoman. As a matter of fact, just the opposite.

She has said it was all her fault but want's us to stay together. She had ended the relationship
My wife is a very emotional person and is tore up about it.

You can get your point across in a non-hurtful way like John39 does so wonderfully all the time. Give advice on how to make it better or work through it, you don't have to put in print for the BS to read over again what they already know.
Sorry if this offends you but some of your posts sting for a BS already dealing with the hurt. And I'm not saying that you don't give great advice BryanP, just eliminate the graphics. Its not necessary to do because its already burned in our memories.

Feeling Stabbed, there is a lot of great advice on this forum. John39 is one of the best. There are also many others here, just read, and educate yourself. Good luck and God Bless.

Well things are going good. I really have alot to do with pushing my wife away. Not sure why I do some of the stupid stuff I do but I have done the dumb things in my life. I tend to come off shallow and only carring about my own needs, kinda a self centered person I guess. I haven't done a good job of sharing my feelings with my wife and have created a hole and made us somewhat detacthed. This is where my friend has great qualities, he's is an emotional and carring person! I know I had created the invironment for this to happen and the two of them found comfort in each other that led to the short affair. My wife did tell me what happen, when and where, and I do feel she deeply regrets it. I know what needs to happen to make our marriage work and really feel that it will never happen again, but at the same time my friend is apart of my life and our other friends lifes as well as my extended family. I don't think I can cut him out completely but not sure how to address him! What to do?

In my opinion.. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think I can cut him out completely but not sure how to address him! What to do?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">..you must cut him out of your life. This will be dificult at first..i know..i had to do the same thing. Looking back, it was one of the best things to help me heal personally. And as you will read more and more here..NC is a must for your WW to move your relationship forward with her. He is not your friend..friends do not do what he done to you and your wife.

Best of Luck,
Karl

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: KarlM ]</small>