as some of you know, i have been fighting this decision for some time now. i got about 3 hrs of sleep only last night. so forgive me if this post is at all confusing...

although my husband and i have been doing better, this past weekend was very bad, we both did things we should not have done, unintentional LBs that we both should of known better. truth be told the weekend before that was bad too but we thought we had recovered and resolved everything. but then after the problems from this weekend occured, i lost all ability to calmly and logically work on any issue. i turned all my anger inward and became very depressed which only results in making my H feel terrible and helpless too.

But what i mostly have to face is that when I LB to him, my remorse over what i did is magnified by my remorse about so much of my actions during our 17yr marriage and the outcome is extremely unproductive as all i do is beat myself up and cry, which just puts up a wall between us because i know he does not know how to deal with me when i am like that. i don't know what to do with me. it is very immature behavior. it frustrates me because i actually am a very smart person. but i guess smart and mature don't mean the same thing.

i tried posting here yesterday, in the hopes of pulling myself together before going home after work, but in the end i closed the window without posting. because i have to open up to him, not to anyone on this board.

JL, you are right about the necklace, i took it apart last night, it is not meaningful.

so, i'm going to confess. now i am trying to decide how to best do it. the family is going to Disney next thurs for 5 nights. it seems crazy to do it before then. he and i and another friend (male) are all going to LasVegas in early march. my H has a photo job there, he is a photographer, and he invited me to go (first time he has invited me to go on a job with him). but then he also invited an old college friend of mine who is now more his friend as they like to golf together. they are going to get a few rounds of golf in while we are there. the friend's wife is not coming so i kinda feel like the 3rd wheel now, but the plans are all made and that is that.(incidentally, one of the problems from this past weekend was me stating that I was feeling like a 3rd wheel and his response to that was anger for even thinking that thought, what i was looking for was reassurance that i was still wanted.)

so i am trying to decide if i should wait till after the vegas trip too. i don't think i should wait that long, this has all gone on too long. but then again, it sure would be good to have sometime where I do not LB at all prior to me telling him.

i'm also trying to figure out the best things to say, but i think i am just going to have to let my heart guide me when the time comes.

any thoughts?

FL:

If it were a vote, I would vote for telling SOONER as opposed to LATER.

First of all, I think that now that you've made the decision, you will find your own behavior towards H will change. This will be a certain indication that something is up. You may find the stress of the situation unbearable. It will take control of you rather than the other way.

Secondly, you have several trips planned. You don't know what will transpire or who might say something that could upset your plan. Then, rather than being in a proactive mode, you will be in a reactive mode. This will be dangerous, because most people who are in reactive mode tend to be very defensive. Such a posture will only serve to drive your H away, not closer.

Chin up. You are about to cut off his testicles, so to speak. Actually, you have already done so - there is no denying what you did. But, you're now about to tell him that you've emasculated him.

Be strong. By telling you are giving him the opportunity to regain his manhood.

Hello again,

I am pleased that you are finally making this decision. In the long run it is the best thing to do. I would suggest that you write a long letter detailing everything and showing your sincere remorse and desire to recover in your marriage and make it up to him. Sit down and have him read completely before he discusses with you.
Maybe hold his hand over a glass of wine. Maintain eye contact and show your remorse.
It will be painful in the short run but it is only the way to recover in the long run.

I wish you luck.

FL,

The easy part is over, now comes the hard part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

First, you realize there is no GOOD way to do this. There is no good time to do this, and surely there is no painless way to do this.

Please excuse me but I think you are in counseling right?? Ok, then here is what I would suggest. Think carefully, when is your H in the receptive mood to listen to things? How does he best receive information( verbal, writing, video (no kidding))? Can you anticipate who or what he might need around him? A clergy man, a friend, what?

Now let's think about you for a moment. What do you want out of this disclosure? I know we have been pounding you to tell, but now that you have made the decisions focus on why it will help you. What do you want out of it? A clear conscience? A better deeper marriage? Why are you telling him? Out of desperation? Out of pain? Out of just plain exhaustion? Are you trying to hurt him?

What is your vision for the future with him? What do you want?

FL, I am asking you all of this because no matter how you decide to communicate this information to him, he also needs to hear why you are doing it, and what you hope and pray this disclosure will bring. Interestingly, it might bring you both peace in the long run as you open up and address the problems BOTH of you have in the marriage. Do not underestimate the role guilt has played in your decisions in the past.

But, FL, if you want the marriage to work, express hope and a willingness to work. If you want to state boundaries this isn't a bad time to do this. You can understand anger, but not physical violence (as an example).

Now as you decide these things and start to lay out the how's and why's. Then talk with your counselor and find out their take on it. Listen carefully to their feedback. They may be right, they may be wrong, but they will probably have a different view of this.

Then at some point once you have done all you can do, you just have to step off of the cliff and hope he catches you.

My thinking is go on the Disney trip and have fun. Smile and laugh, relax, enjoy these moments and savor them. I would think you would want to do this before the Vegas trip. It doesn't seem to be a trip you are really looking forward to.

I know this is a MAJOR step. I know you have great fears. But, I also know it is the right thing to do. But, FL try to do it as well as you can. I would think that no matter how you intend to deliver the message writing it all down will help you organize your thoughts.

I am sure others will have advice as well. Please read it, then think about it all and see what fits best with you and your H. Then talk with your counselor (if my memory has not completely deserted me and you do have one).

God Bless,

JL

Dear FL,
Good luck to you on your confession....I will be doing the same. I am leaving OM Friday, then leaving town Saturday. I will confess to my H next Saturday (unfortunately it will be Valentine's Day). There's no good time. I've been having an affair for years and confessed twice before. There's always a holdiay or a trip you don't want to ruin.

Actually, I am hoping that Valentine's Day will someday come to mean a D-Day and the day we start rebuilding. Pain and pleasure. I don't know. I'm just trying to do the right thing and get rid of this sorry double-life.

Good luck.

the counsoling was from many many months ago. i am not currently in any counsoling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Think carefully, when is your H in the receptive mood to listen to things? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">these days, i think he dreads it when we talk. but, in fairness, he does make himself available. I know right before bed is not a good time.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
How does he best receive information( verbal, writing, video (no kidding))? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no idea. but i do know he does not like me to beat around the bush. once he knows i have something to say, he does not like it when it takes me a long time to get it out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can you anticipate who or what he might need around him? A clergy man, a friend, what?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have no idea again, he is a very closed/private person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What do you want out of this disclosure? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">right now it feels like it must be just exhaustion but honestly because i do love him and i believe he deserves the truth and i hope that once out, i will no longer have it internally impacting me which ends up coming out externally and clouds my ability to think rationally and act lovingly (the last reason makes me feel very selfish though, i should be strong enough to not allow my feelings to impact my actions as i know they have been)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What is your vision for the future with him? What do you want?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i want a strong marriage, i want to grow old enjoying each other's company, supporting each other's dreams.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can understand anger, but not physical violence (as an example).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he would never be violent.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> express hope and a willingness to work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">a willingness to work i have, i have not really had hope in ages, how do i get that?

thank you all for your kindness and support.

Jaref,

i just saw your post now. We will be in Disney on V-day. I really don't think it would be right to tell before this trip, the kids are really looking forward to it, we are all looking forward to it.

good luck to you.

FL,

If he wants you to get right to the point, then perhaps writing is the best, for it seems to me you have a lot to say and it might not get said.

If is a really no nonsense type of guy and a business type of guy (although he's a photographer), you could go for the business plan type of approach. Or you could simply lay it out with headers so that he understands the MAJOR points.

I believe I would start out with what you want and why you are about to do what you are doing: confessing.

So tell him what you want.

1. You want him to love you.

2. You want him to share his life with you and allow you to share yours.

3. You want to grow old with him and show him the respect and love he deserves.

4. You want him to know you value him.

5. You want to know he values you and will give you a chance to earn the respect you so deeply want from him.

You have been pressured to do what you are about to do because it is felt that it is the ONLY way to achieve true intimacy, not just save the marriage (not telling would have done that).

Then you lay out the history of the affairs. You explain why the last one occured, and perhaps you express your gratitude that he was able to fight through all that you did and didn't do to make you want to save this marriage.

Express that you realize he will be hurt by this information, but that you will stand by him and help any way he will let you help.

And you just might want to say, that while he may not feel it now, you have only come to be this honest with him because of all of the efforts he has put out. You realize that your guilt and thoughts have negatively impacted the marriage and the only way out was to be honest with him and hope that he would come to forgive you.

You might mention that you have done a lot of research on marriages and affairs and you have some idea of how to rebuild this marriage IF he decides he wants to continue it. You want to be emotionally connected to him again, and you want to have a happy husband, but one that is happy with YOU not a facade.

These are some things to consider. FL, this has to become what you want to say, but he will need reassurance and a clear picture of what you want to acheive and why you have decided to be honest with him. You might mention this site or perhaps give him Surviving An Affair by Harley, IF it helped you and you think it might help him.

All of this is very difficult as you already know, hence my question as to why you are going to do it. You need to be well focused in this because there will be times when you doubt yourself and even your H. But time and patience will be rewarded FL.

I suspect your H will be deeply hurt after all of the work he has done, but I also think he will be relieved. I think pieces of the puzzle he has been struggling with will fall into place and actually eventually his mind will be relieved.

You might even point out that your initial feeling was to take this "to the grave". But, his comments that he would want to know rang in your head. You respect and love??? him too much to deny him something he says he wants although you know it will hurt him.

Honesty, straight forward statements and a sense of purpose in your message will help him. Not at first, but if you prove to be relentless in your willingness to work on this, it will rub off on him. He needs to know that for the first time in a long time you want him to be a team with you. That is why you have told this awful news.

I don't know if anything I have said is of use, but at least I hope it gets you thinking.

God Bless,

JL

you all have been kinder to me than i deserve, JL, you especially. thank you for your kindness. i have not gotten to writing on paper yet, thinking in my head a lot though. i will start putting it on paper in the morning.

my H has not gotten home yet, he had a shoot downtown, he is a photographer, and he stayed to have dinner with another photographer on the same job. he will be here soon. i am trying to stay calm. but i am starting to binge with chocolate and cookies. so far i have only had 5 chocolate coins and one low sugar peanut butter cookie. i'm going to stop now! i have lost about 8 lbs recently and i don't want to yo yo back up.

i am trying to drown out the voice that keeps questioning if i am really strong enough to do this.

Aw FL, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you are strong enough to leave, then you are strong enough to stay. That is my opinion. You have more strength than you realize and I think you have more power and influence on your H than you realize.

Take your time, think about this. Think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, but don't fear. I know it will be very traumatic for you and for your H, but calm down. Breath, smile, enjoy your kids, going to "DisneyLand". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Enjoy looking at your H with new eyes. You are doing the right thing, unlike many you KNOW he wants to know. You don't know how he will deal with it, actually neither does he. You know you are really doing you BOTH a favor albeit a painful one.

So calm down, focus on your future what you would like in your marriage. It may turn out that your disclosure will break your H in many ways. He will fight breaking as best he can, but it may do that. What you need to be prepared to do is put him back together, but do it with honesty, openness, and love and I think you will show him a better way to interact with you.

There have been many posters who have come back after recovery and stated the following: I hate that it took an A to do this, but our marriage is actually better than it has ever been.

There is hope and you are part of it.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

thanks. i did manage to calm down last night.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Take your time, think about this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is exactly what i decided i need to do too. so i'm not going to come post or read any more posts for the next week. it is time to do this on my own, in my own words, for my own reasons.

and then there is 5 days of Disney to enjoy.

when i get back in town, i'll check in here for some feedback and then i'll be ready.

thanks

FL,

Sounds like a plan to me. Have a good time at Disney Land.

God Bless,

JL

Annnd...this is what happens when I use webwasher...it hides the date that a topic is originally posted.

Was advising you to come clean ASAP, until I realised that this was from almost a year ago and that you HAD ALREADY.

This is me wiping egg from my face.

Would love your input on my and FallingUp's posts over on GQ2 if you are so inclined, tho. Lots of similarities in situation.
-OAK

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 03:48 AM: Message edited by: OnceAKnight ]</small>

Hey FL - Not much that I can add... Just wanted to again give you my support and let you know that I'll be praying for you and your H.

My W's final confession 10 years after the fact tore me up... but looking back, that day is when we truly started rebuilding our M. Up to that point, we'd both just been going through the motions of being married.

Semper Fi,
RIF