Since I first posted on here several weeks ago the truth has been parceled out to me bit by bit. First my H said he wasn't having an affair, but had feelings for his office manager. Oh,let's just call her his secretary. Then he admits he's had feelings for a year. Then he admits they are feelings of love. Last Thursday, with my confrontation that I needed the truth, he admits they have been expressing in-love feelings for each other since July, and often.

From Thursay until now, H has told her she has to go in one month (she has to train someone new), and realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life. He realizes how deep my love is for him, and now realizes he loves me. Our life apparently wasn't as bad as he thought it had been. He now wants to do everything in his power to save this marriage. He is feeling extreme guilt and remorse. Doesn't know why he had an affair. So Plan A appparently is working.

Monday night I talked to his business partner, who has been both of our friend for over 20 yrs. He feels extremely betrayed. We realize she was trying to get his job and my H. I think partner's experience over the past year, which was deep unhappiness at work because they were squeezing him out, is showing H her manipulation. Partner told me at least 8 people have asked him if they were having an affair. Thant makes me sick.

Lat night I told him I felt like there was more truth he needed to reveal. I wondered if anything physical went on. Several days ago I told him at least something made him not have sex with her because that might make me leave. So he just stared at me with his lying eyes and deflected my question. He said we have to take things slowly. Blah, Blah. I told him I couldn't think of healing until I had the whole truth, which i made him promise to tell me today.

He called our former marriage therapist this morning and asked for advice. He was told he must tell me everything, but we should read the book "After the Affair" first.

I hate him today. What magic words are going to soften the blow that he was screwing her for months? I know the truth. He brought this woman he's sleeping with to our house after my dad's wake to be with my family. What words are going to make that better? I don't want him to touch me and I don't want to sleep with him. He disgusts me. In the Fall I was crying because my H wouldn't cuddle or have sex with me. I thought it was the meds he was on. What a fool. I was so lonely.

Now I seem to have him and I don't even want to try. Are these feelings natural? Thinking he had an EA was bad enough. Knowing he had sex with her put me over the top. So many lies! I pictured him today as green slime that I was kicking out of our house. My boys and I were free and clean. Can this marriage survive with the level of betrayal and disgust I feel? Please help!

CV,

I am sorry that you are here. But I am also glad that you are here. If you want to talk to people who understand what you are going through this is definitely the place to be.

You feelings are totally natural. I feel the same way. I hate him and I don't want to ever sleep with him again! or even have to look at his face...but others with much more experience than I have (it's only been two months for me) tell me that it will all pass.

Be patient and don't take any life changing decisions at this point in time...we are not thinking straight!...and we may regret it lately.

If you love him and he is willing to prove to you (not tell you) that he loves you and he wants to save your marriage then there is hope!...

Hang in there and we'll get through this together.
Take care of yourself.

CV-- I can really sympathize. For years, H brought OW to family barbeques and parties. We even did holiday parties at her parents' home with our children! Then she wouldn't leave his side when he was in the hospital with a heart attack. It turns your stomach doesn't it? Consider yoursef lucky it didn't go on for years and accumulate more ugly memories.
That said, I can encourage you that the memories will fade as you replace them with happy ones that belong only to the two of you. Do what you need to do for yourself right now, and don't give up. You are stronger than you imagine, and you can rebuild with the tools here. Read read read everything on this site, and get the books. You are way ahead of me if your husband is willing to give you the truth so soon. Keep the faith! DT

Join the club. The thought of sex with my H (or anyone else) disgusts me. My sex drive is gone. So don't feel like the lone ranger.

I am told and believe that these feelings will change. You owe it to yourself to give this some time. Hang in there.