Hi everybody:
I am new here and I badly need advice.
My situation is very hard – I am in a cancer treatment. I am staying in the US for treatment. My husband is working overseas. I am under chemo. I arrived here in September and have been in treatment since then.
I went back home for Christmas and New Year. I had a 3 week break from my treatment. On the 1st night of my arrival I found a couple of messages on his computer from a woman. It was clear that they slept together. I had a jetlag so I couldn’t sleep. My husband was asleep. I woke him up immediately and confronted him. He was denying everything until I told him that I saw the messages. We talked, he said that it was just physiology, nothing more and I shouldn’t be concerned about it. He said that he had drunk a little more and had this but it was over. I looked at his cell and saw that he called her on the day of my arrival and she called him in the evening. I asked him about it. He said he was calling her to break it off with her. He couldn’t give me a clear reply as to why she called him. I said, Probably she called you to ask you not to end it. He said, Yes. He was very attentive to me and loving all the time I was there. We had a lot of sex and it was great. He said, don’t look anywhere, I forgot all about it, just calm down, get your treatment and come back as soon as you can. He gave me all his passwords. I looked at his account all the time. There was nothing there.
OK, I left. A week ago he came to this part of the world on business and stayed with me for 3 days. Everything was fine between us, we had a good time together. After he left I decided to look at his account – just out of habit, I was sure there would be nothing there. But there was! It appeared that he didn’t break it off with her. He just opened an Internet account. Since I was around he probably didn’t feel free to use it – what if I look over his shoulder? I found a series of messages that they exchanged (and she mentions his other account). They are planning to get together this weekend and she is going to cook for him (I wonder where – in my place???), and he is writing to her that he misses her. While being with me he misses her!
He is still on the road and I can contact him only later today.
What should I do? I don’t eat or sleep any more. I feel like he stabbed me into my back!
Should I contact the woman (I have her telephones)? And ask her how long it lasts and how much they are involved? Should I confront him? Or should I swallow this and go home after my treatment and try to do something there? I feel like I should give up everything and rush home to save my marriage. Give up everything means to give up life itself! But how I can stay here and continue with the treatment knowing that he is having fun with somebody else getting more and more involved with her and maybe there will soon be no place for me to come back?!!
Stress is killing me – I know it is bad for everybody but for me in my situation it is death! I doubt I will survive all this!

Kamara- Welcome to marriagebuilders. So sorry you are going through all of this, but you have come to the right place. Read on this site and you will see that WS's are the same. Most continue to lie and deny, so it will not do any good to go home. Please stay and finish your treatment.

This is an awful time for you to be betrayed. But you must calm down and take care of yourself as number one. It is normal to not be able to eat or sleep (and I'm sure the chemo doesn't help).

Start reading about Plan A, and meeting each other's emotional needs. That is the best thing to read about first. Also read lots of posts and you will realize that you are not alone, and in good company here.

Talk to your husband and let him know how hurtful this is to you, if you can do it calmly and matter of factly. Stay here and post and we will help you through this.

I also have been living with and continuing to deal with my husband's A which as far as I know lasted 2 months. He ended it in December - but I continue to mis-trust and watch him which he hates. If you love him hang in there, it's probably the most difficult thing I have ever lived through, but I am hoping the end result will be a positive one. How long are you married?
Stay and continue your treatments, but stay in contact with him so you stay a part of his life!
If he loves you, he will be there in the end! My life has changed so much since learning of the A , the pain and hurt is horrible along with nightmares and sleepless nights... Just the thought of his being with another women is enough to deal with, you are not alone!

Big hugs**** Remember you came to the right place. That's so terrible how A hurts so badly. And plus your in chemo treatment, like beleiver said.. stay where you are! Take care of yourself! I know this hurts a lot. I can't really say what you can do, but read.. read this website, from begining to end. There are a lot of people that are in the same situation as you. I am a BS.. and each day I have to look at my husband and wonder if he lies or not lying.. if he is seing another woman.. or looking at another direction. Although he says he isn't but they are compulsive liar, so I know the temptation is to go back home and try to fix your marriage, but you have your health on the line. When you are physically healthy, you will have to deal with the emotional... right now just read as much as you can.. talk with us.. whatever you are feeling.

I cannot say that everything will be alright because its almost a month now, I am not alright actually today made it 22 days since I found out. I am still slowly dealing with it. I am still with my H.. because A do not destroy marriages its the issues that caused the affair that might still be present.

For the moment.. BIG HUGS*** calm down.. do what you have to do to take your mind off.. I know its not easy.. but you are going to have to do it.

I am so sorry that you have to through this.. really am.. because i know how it feels.. and hope there wouldn't be anymore victims of this monster!

HUGS*

Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me! I tried to read posts here but even this I cannot do. I can only read those addressed to me! I will try to read about plan A if I can. It looks like I cannot do anything at all. You think I should stay in his life? I planned to go no contact today after talking to him. I also plan to call his OW and ask her if she knows that I am going trough the cancer treatment and how badly he is betraying me.
We have been married for 15 years. In January he called me with nice and warm words about the anniversary.
What is the usual end of such things? Do they stay or do they leave for their mistresses?

Most of the time.. they are either attached to the mistress.. or they are not. In my case, I do not know.. he was chatting with her online.. and she was flattering.. he was not physically attracted to her.. but she gave him "a sense of importance" he told. So my husband have self esteem issues. but from what I know, heard from other people.. Most of the time the husband goes home to his wife if the wife will have him. Not many people throw away a lifetime just for a couple of weeks or months.

Right now my husband is just feeling sorry for himself and he also lied to that girl that he was talking.. then lied to about where he was when he met her.. and had sex the same DAY! YUCK! then he confessed to me 2 days later.. sooooo really... my story is a bit different, but I'm sure the feeling isn't.

Your husband still loves you and I doubt he wants to leave. usually when the A comes out, it is hard to maintain afterwards.. either he goes to her.. or he wants to stay with you..

TO me it was that simple. I asked, then I packed my bags ready for plan B, but I didn't read the website.. when I got ready to go.. he stopped me and begged me to stay.

It depends from one person to another... everyone is different so I cannot tell, but from your you say it seems like with you being sick your husband found a little play on the side, but doesn't mean he doesn't love you.. He was just being SELFISH and continued to be because he can't let go of this thing he put himself into.

I am with you. We all know how painful and hurtful this is. just hang on there. I am hanging on, day to day, I thank GOD when one day is over. Take good care of yourself.

Several issue to address: First...sorry you've found yourself in need of a site like this...but you have found a good one.

Second: Do NOT stop your treatment!

Third: Stats say that very few affairs end the marriage, altho, some of course do so. Also, rebuilding after an affair can also fail, it's a very difficult road. YET...you know all about difficult roads...and they are often doable!

Fourth: I almost never believe that it is a good idea for the BS to contact the OP. Contacting the OP's spouse however is a good idea if she is married.

Have you talked to your doctor? Because you're correct, this stress is not good for your treatment. He/She may have some help available for you. Just sharing all this with someone may help.

Sadly, this affair may have something to do with your H running away from his own fears about your future. While this is really sucky, it isn't all that unusual either. So often the "healthy" one begans to feel "left out" and stressed from trying to be the strong one to someone who is fighting a deadly illness.

You're in a very difficult position as everything is happening long distance and what little control you might have if you were home (which is very little actually), still you don't even have that.

My best advice right now is to focus on your physical health. Talk to your doctors and do whatever you can to decrease the stress. (I know, not easy.) Accept that you have no control over what is happening right now at home. Remember, that no matter where you were, you can't/couldn't control someone else, not even your H.

HE is the one who is screwing up. He is the one who is lost. He is the one who is grasping at straws, lying, betraying, destroying. You can not change this.

May God grant you the courage and the strength to face the days ahead. May He give wisdom to your doctors. God Bless!

Kamara -
Good for you, confronting OW and H. I know it hurts so bad. Somehow with our help you will get through this.

Mine has been having A for almost a year. Today we had a really good talk. I think I am done with him.

But for you, remember that most A's end and the spouse comes back. Then you will have to rebuild your marriage. When you can, do some reading here.

Plan A is about letting spouse know that there is a safe place (with your) to come back to. You learn to talk lovingly to your H, with no disrespectful judgements. It is okay to tell him you are hurting, but in a calm way.

Hopefully OW will get out of the picture. But these folks are in a selfish fantasy, so don't count on it.

Stick with this site, and we will help you. When I came here in September, I was a real mess. Now my days are happy again. That will happen to you too. ((((((HUGS)))))).

Thank you, believer.
I am a real mess. I think he is too. But the feeling I have for him now is a pure disgust. I don't know if I will able to go to bed with him again! At this moment i feel like it will be the best for me to end this marriage! It may change tomorrow I know! I don't want to talk to him at all, how can I talk to him lovingly?

Sweetie that is normal - the way you feel. You will have lots of ups and downs. Don't make any hasty decisions.

It will help if you can make yourself talk nicely to H. I should talk - I could never do it. But it is part of a way to remain close to H. I've been on this site for four months, and just lately I have been able to talk nicely to my H.

WS's get in a fog/fantasy, so it might help if you think of him being kind of insane right now.

But anyway you still need to take care of you. That is the most important thing. When I first found out, I promised myself that I would take care of myself - since H sure wasn't.

Keep reading and posting, you will get through this.