My husband of 10 years had an affair with his boss. I found out early in the relationship. He asked for a separation. I begged. He stayed. He refuses to do anything abou this job. He works very close with this woman. Being in the military they both risked their entire careers (and being court marshalled) not to mention both families. This was my husband's first affair but I know she has had several. I am feeling very lost and confused. I want to leave but I love him and I couldn't do that to my kids atleast not at this point. I want to know if recovery is even possible if he refuses to try for a transfer. We were just stationed here so a transfer would be difficult in the military but not impossible. He could have stopped the transfer when I found out because it was not 100% set yet. Now it is and we have moved. Naturally we live in her neighborhood. I'm sure that was the plan all along. I don't think I can do this much longer. I'm wondering if I wouldn't be better off to just walk away now and save my children the pain of seeing me like this much longer. I've read almost every book ever written about recovery after an affair. Everything says that the lover has to be totally removed from the picture. This leaves me hopeless and feeling very trapped.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry that you found yourself here, but there is no better place to get sage advice and solace from others that have "been there, done that".

If you haven't read Surviving an Affair, your first step should be to do so. It is a pro-marriage approach to getting through a gut wrenching time of your life (and ours!). The book outlines a tried and often true path to rebuild marriages that have happened on what appear to be hopeless times.

A word of caution....the plan is not for wimps. You must find an inner strength to get through all of this, and do things you probably won't believe you have the ability to do. But read through some of the posts and you will see that there are lights at the end of the tunnel that aren't oncoming locomotives... LOL

I don't know how the military works, and know there are serious consequences involved, but aren't there any military councelors or chaplains that could assist you with "what might be done" without breach of confidentiality, to perhaps avoid some of the "landmines" of discharge???

Read and understand Plans A and B, become familiar with terms such as the "FOG", learn how/when and what to have in your mind for confrontation, if that is yet to come.

Most importantly, focus on yourself, and making yourself be the most important project you are working on. Understand LoveBusters and Disrespectful Judgements, and how they negatively impact your mission to reconstruct your marriage. But focus on making you be the best YOU, you can be, and be strong for your children.

It is important that you read and fully understand how the MB (marriagebuilders) program is designed to work. And in many instances it does. And if, for some reason it does not work for you, you will know in your heart your did everything you could have done to "put your house in order".

The decision for your H to have an affair was not your decision, and you cannot make him change his behavior. What you can do, is make yourself more attractive to him, so he gives second thoughts about what he is doing to you and your family. Read the information on exposing the affair, and use it to the best of your ability, plugging in what information you receive from the military chaplain. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and typically die in the "light of day".

You will recieve much more and probably better advice in this forum than I can offer, but read, read, read, learn, learn, learn, and prepare yourself to be the best that you can be as you apply the MB principles to your situation.

Wishing you all the best.....

Thank you so much for your reply. I can honestly say that I felt alone until I stumbled on this website. I have read Surviving an Affair, LoveBusters, Love Languages, Monogamy Myth, Affairs:Why the happen, Not Just Friends...etc. I've even bought the workbook that goes along with Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs: AffairProofing your Marriage. I've read them all. Sadly I'm more confused now then ever. They all say "you much not have contact with the other person". My H is not willing to do that at all. He refuses to. He's at work with her right now. This is killing me. I'm really a sane person I promise I'm not crazy but this has turned me into a lunatic. I never called her husband I never called his boss. I never did anything. I just confronted him. Why did I do that? Why didn't I ruin his career and her career and take my children and leave. Am I just that weak? Am I just that stupid. I think that my new found relationship to God helped me not do anything rash. That has left me feeling very stupid. I hadn't thought of going to the chaplin. I'm sure if I did that and he found out he would leave me. Any talk of messing with his career makes him furious. Please understand that my husband is a highly decorated soldier. He has done things that will be in history books. He is very well known and if this got out it would ruin his entire family and mine. This is something that would make one heck of a lifetime movie as would many of the stories told at MB.

Again I thank you for replying to my post. I thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I will try to work up the courage to contact the chaplin. I will also be sure to spend more time on this site. It has really helped me through my day today. I have bad days and then I have really really bad days....today was not so bad thanks to MB.

He he he... every heard the old expression, "the bigger they are, the harder they fall".

If you have read all of this material, then you are surely aware of Plan A and Plan B. Have you put Plan A in place and have you executed it well? Have you set a time limit for how long to try it? Are you working on YOU? How much can you take?

Do you understand Plan B? Plan B means cutting off all contact with your WH until he chooses (on his own, of course) to re-think his continued contact with the OW. It is a huge step, but the MB formula tell you how to do it. It may mean packing you and the kids up and going to your parents for a while, or some other dramatic course of action. Write the Plan B letter to him and sit back and enjoy your life and continue to work on yourself and your children.

Your chaplain may have better/other suggestions.

You are the one who is "IN CHARGE". Not your husband. With the information you have about the A, you have the power to do what IS BEST FOR YOU.

A couple of other suggestions regarding exposing the A. His parents? Your parents? A best friend of his who would support your cause to save your marriage? The OW's H? I she married or does she have a significant other? As I said before, secrecy is the primary cause for the A to continue, exposing it to the light of day will typically be the beginning of the end. Be creative and thoughtful as to what is best for you.

Be very strong. Rest your anguish and pain with your God. Confide in someone who can give you support, as sister or your mother, perhaps a brother or close friend. You are not in this alone. You will find those who will offer you support.

If you need to just vent, vent here, it's a great place to be where others share your pain and frustration.

Hang in there!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong>I hadn't thought of going to the chaplin. I'm sure if I did that and he found out he would leave me. Any talk of messing with his career makes him furious. Please understand that my husband is a highly decorated soldier. He has done things that will be in history books. He is very well known and if this got out it would ruin his entire family and mine.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heroswife - in he in the U.S. military? I'll assume he is.

Right now, to your H and the OW, you are the most powerful woman on this planet. Why? Because you have knowledge that could very, very seriously disrupt their lives - two people who have already very, very seriously disrupted your life.

Betrayed spouses with U.S. military WSs are in a unique situation. It's probably the only situation in the U.S. in which rules against adultery are REALLY enforced.

You can either end this RIGHT NOW or allow it to continue.

You have two choices at the moment, and only two.

1. Continue participating in the affair by helping to keep it secret. Plan A your butt off with hopes that the affair will die a natural death - or it'll get revealed by OW's H or someone else with a conscience and die by decree from the military. This may never happen. Maybe he'll file for divorce and THEN you can finally reveal the affair because you'll have nothing to lose.

2. Expose the affair. Spill the beans to OW's superior officer right now. This for sure will end the affair - at least for now. Alternatively, inform OW's H. Perhaps he'll do the "dishonorable" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> deed of informing the superior officer. Either way, you may still end up in divorce, but not necessarily if you Plan A your butt off. But even if you do end up in divorce, that's no worse than #1.

Do not believe his threats to leave you if you squeal. OF COURSE he makes these threats - he knows you have a weapon of mass distruction at your disposal.

Affairs HAVE to be exposed. In the U.S. military, exposure is very, very effective.

heroswife,

Well he sure isn't acting very heroic right now. I hate to see this. I grew up in the military and was in myself. When a superior officer or enlisted troop gets in an affair with a subordinate, it is NOT good for anyone in the outfit. That is why the military has and enforces the rules as they do.

WAT is right, you have got the NUKE. Problem with NUKE's is that when they go off there isn't a lot to rebuild from. That is why you are in the situation you are in, you know this. So the trick is how to go from Mutually Assured Distruction, MAD, to a tactical application that leaves something to build on? Not an easy thing to do.

First do as was suggested see the Base/Post Chaplain. He/she has seen this stuff before. If OP is married speak with OP's spouse.

Do a plan A because it will help YOU to set the stage for Plan B. I am going to suggest that you treat this as if you were NOT in the military for the moment, but don't ever forget what you have in your back pocket. Don't hold it over his head, but let him know you are trying to be circumspect about this.

I know you fear that he will leave you if you go to the Chaplain, but then ask him if he would prefer you went to his OP's CO?? Explain to him it is not your desire to destroy him, but you will make sure you and the children are taken care of if he is sure he wants OW.

In short, play nice, but play to win, you hold the nuke. You might also check with family services about what is available to you if your decide to move out of quarters if you are in quarters, or if you are on the economy.

In short gather some information, then have a talk with your H. Also you might consider talking to the JAG office if things start to appear nasty. I am not sure how you should do this because if the story starts to get out he will be in trouble and she will be in even bigger trouble as she is his boss.

You cannot make a man love you. So one thing you need to focus on is why the marriage was in this state and why was he vulnerable. IF you can figure some of this out, you can better target efforts to meet his EN's. If you can, then you might be able to use the threat of the NUKE to buy time and allow you to change the dynamic of the marriage. This is better than exploding it.

Keep posting but start to develop a plan for yourself and your family. Start to lay our your plan A and plan B strategies. Make decisions on timelines for decision points, and remember you are not nearly done yet. He can come back.

God Bless,

JL

PS: While it is great that you honor his achievements militarily don't let them blind you to who his is as a human being and what you mean to him.

Thank you very much for your response to me. You have really made me feel more empowered. I'd like to address some of the questions in the last few posts.
Have you put Plan A in place and have you executed it well? Have you set a time limit for how long to try it? Are you working on YOU? How much can you take?
I haven't been very diligent about Plan A but will do my best to work on that part harder. I have set a time limit and will stick to that. I've even got plans to move to the other side of the country just in case. I am working on me. I've started taking golf lessons (which I love). I spend tons of time focusing on myself and doing things that I didn't do before because I didn't want to be away from him. I went so far as to have plastic surgery...something that I had always wanted to do but felt too guilty becuase of the money. And I'm not real sure how much I can take but I'm here now...living in this woman's neighborhood and having my H go t work with her every single day (mind you there are only 7 people in his group). So I guess that means I can take quit a bit. Tell me is it strength or stupidity?

It is obvious to me that it is strength!!

You have gained additional strength because you now know better how empowered you have become. And because you are working on you. That is Plan A.

The better you Plan A, then the more effective Plan B will become, should you need to take that step. To assist with Plan A, fill out an emotional needs questionairre, and fill it out as you believe your WH might, and go to work on fulfilling those EN's.

Doesn't it really suck that the BS has to work 10x harder at being the "perfect spouse" while the WS lives comfortably in the FOG????

One of the hardest parts is sorting out the Fog talk from the little sane interjections that may come out in any conversation. Beware of the fog, because much of what is said is Affair Babble, and if you recorded it and played it back to the WS in 5 years, they'd deny it was them !!!

You are on the correct path.

Try to avoid torturing yourself with thoughts of them together at work. Imagine there may actually be some work going on there !!! LOL Rather, direct your thoughts on cutting your golf handicap by 3 strokes. Stay busy for you. The mind is a terrible thing when you allow it to freewheel on it's own.

From you more recent posts, your extensive reading, and your most recent attitude, including the fact you're now planning rationally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I would say you are doing just fine. Always remember, now that you are so empowered, you have the luxury of being proactive with what is in your best interest!!!

Keep up the good work

Thank you Just Learning. Your post was extremely helpful for me. I completely agree with your comment about him not acting like a hero now. That is one of the most devastating facts about all of this. He is a HERO and everyone that comes in contact with him knows that and walks away from him thinking that he is like a MYTH or a LEGEND. He just has that air about him but at the same time he can seem so humble. But he's not my hero anymore. I have lost all respect for him. Anyone that could walk away from a totally devoted wife and 2 children...our youngest is under 2 and he's been away for the majority of her life....to be with another woman is not someone to be respected. As for this statement:
First do as was suggested see the Base/Post Chaplain. He/she has seen this stuff before. If OP is married speak with OP's spouse.
I'm not sure I have the guts to go the the Chaplain. I am very hesitant to speak to her spouse. I know that if this gets out he will be ruined for life. I'm sure the OW's spouse would probably go public with. I'm not sure I'm ready that yet. But I know that by not going to him with this information I am basically allowing this to go on. Mind you my H swears that it's over and that he made a terrible mistake. I do not believe anything he says at this point.
In short, play nice, but play to win, you hold the nuke. You might also check with family services about what is available to you if your decide to move out of quarters if you are in quarters, or if you are on the economy.
I am playing nice and this is totally against my nature but my faith in God has kept me grounded. I really believe that. I do not live on post. We live in a very nice neighborhood off post. Once again, right up the street from the OW.

Everyday of my life is a challenge. I love him dearly but each day that I feel he is not doing enough to help me it gets worse. I think he should be tripping over his feet to make me feel like he loves me and that he doesn't want to leave us but he doesn't. He does pay attention to me more now. He has been more affectionate. In the beginning he was very upset with me and he was very mean to me. He didn't understand why I cried all the time or why I would get so mad. He would even tell me to "get over it" and then laugh. He refused to go to go to therapy and he refused to read the books. He still won't read the books or do the exercises in the books, but now he has agreed to go to therapy. We are going to a Weekend To Remember Conference in a few weeks. But I feel like he's doing this so I'll shut up and stop nagging him to go. This change that I speak of has started in the past few days. It began after I told him I was leaving him. That's when I saw the change. So I'm not sure how long this will last.

I should also make one more comment here. The day that I told him I was leaving him I came home from work and fell to the floor in tears. My kids were shocked and both began crying. He walked me to my bedroom so we could talk but the kids came running in. We finally got the kids in the bed that night and I was still crying. I went to bed that night in tears. I laid down next to him but scooted away from him. He moved closer to me and I thought that at this point he would try to comfort me....but NO...he put his hand up my shirt! He wanted sex! I was floored. Here's your wife in tears and telling you that she is leaving you and you think you want to have sex with her?!?!?!!? That sent so many mixed signals. I just do not know what to think here. I'm so confused. I have not seen any examples in any of these books to explain his reaction.

I'm just so drained emotionally I'm worried that this will never end.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong>I have not seen any examples in any of these books to explain his reaction.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We've seen it all before - over and over and over.

He's a text book case - albeit an arrogant one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This change that I speak of has started in the past few days. It began after I told him I was leaving him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, he was threatened and responded. Learn from this. Not to threaten more, but to realize that he may shift when he realizes he's about to lose something.

Probably the most important thing for you to do is to portray an air of confidence and strength. He probably expects you to be submissive. If you can communicate a posture of confidence and strength, he will sense you are someone to be respected.

In this communication, you need to make it abundantly clear - without making a threat - that if he continues, you will launch the nuke. You don't have to explicitly say it, just be confident and don't be submissive.

Believe it or not - you are in control because you have the nuke. He knows this. Perhaps you should obtain a copy of the military code of justice - or whatever document that specifies the consequences of adultery - and leave it laying someplace conspicuous in the house. Or leave laying around whatever the Chaplain may have given you if you confided in him.

Believe me - the best thing for you to do right now - other than expose the affair - it to act AS IF you are about to expose the affair.

WAT

Ah, the HONORABLE WAT suggests the "hammer in the velvet pouch" approach. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I like it. What I really really liked was his comment about you acting confident and strong. I have a feeling THAT will unsettle your H a lot and make him uncertain as to what you know, what you will do, and when you will do it.

A crying W really really bothers a man. I W smiling when she should be crying...WELL NOW. That is something that one must consider very very carefully. There is danger here, especially when one KNOWS she has the NUKE in the back pocket.

Now think about what WAT said and then go have another look at Plan A and think about that. A smiling W with a NUKE, give one cause to pause. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A confident W that will go to Plan B AND she has the NUKE. My my, a woman to be reconned with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Do you see what WAT has broached for your consideration. You have power, the power to smile in the face of adversity, the power to level a few people's career, and the power to make it on your own if you have to.

My guess... it will affect him in surprising ways.

Think about that heroswife.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>....about you acting confident and strong. I have a feeling THAT will unsettle your H a lot and make him uncertain as to what you know, what you will do, and when you will do it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL is a good straight man - that is EXACTLY what I was trying to communicate.

Picture yourself in a Hollywood movie cast as the betrayed spouse with a powerful husband:

Hero: I'm going to the O Club - don't know when I'll be back.

Heroswife: OK, Hon! Have a good time! Don't worry about me - I'm gonna call [Chaplain's name] about helping with the marriage encounter!

or

Heroswife: OK, Hon! Have a good time! Don't worry about me - I'm going to be on the phone with the officer's wives planning the "Murder Mystery" spring get-together. It's all about a cheating husband who gets murdered by his wife. Don't worry about a thing!

OK, OK - maybe not THAT explicit. But you know what I mean, right?

WAT

Shattered Dreams - I thank you for your post. Your words are golden to me. It's odd to know this but I really felt like I was doing everything wrong. And you are the first person who has heard this story that didn't immediately say "he has to leave his job".

Not that I'm looking for someone to tell me what I should do and I'll only listen to them if they tell me what I want to hear. I keep hearing that there's no way this will ever work out.

I really want to know if there is someone out there that thinks it is possible for my marriage to recover from this A if my H does not leave his job?!?!?!?? Is there a chance?!?!?!?

I love him and I believe he loves me and our children. I want to believe he is sorry even though he won't say that without having bad tone in his voice. Isn't it possible that he made a mistake and that he is sorry. Can he not work around her and not be tempted?

I am working on me. I am trying to be more attactive to him. I am trying to meet his ENs. I'm doing everything I can. He seems to be coming around.

I just don't want to be the stupid wife that sits in never never land thinking her husband is perfect. I know now that he is not perfect.

AHHHHHHH! I like it! I like it alot!!

That is great advice. The thing is that I'm usually the exact opposite of submissive. I'm very intelligent...although my spelling might say other things about me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In speaking to some of my closest friends and family about this there's one thing that each of them has said and that's that I tend to be intimidating because of how confident I am. I took that with a grain of salt and have tried to tone down my arrogance but it's really hard to be arrogant when your world is crumbling. If anything the way I am now is the exact opposite of my normal self. My mother told me the other day (after one of my breakdowns) that she was terrified because I was the rock that everyone leans on. I'm the one the other wives call when their husbands are gone and their car breaks down. I'm the one that picks up food for wives who can't drive or do not have a car. I'm the one that my dad calls when he doesn't feel good and doesn't know what to do.

I do not feel like a rock now...more like a steaming hot pile of...well you get the picture.

But I will say that my day is ending great.

I AM SO GLAD I FOUND YOU ALL!

I just hope that some day I'll be able to give back to the future HEROSWIVES that come here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong>I really want to know if there is someone out there that thinks it is possible for my marriage to recover from this A if my H does not leave his job?!?!?!?? Is there a chance?!?!?!? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, and no.

ABSOLUTELY there is a chance that you can recover your marriage if he doesn't leave his job - if she does.

The odds dictate that they HAVE to be separated. Your marriage is not likely to recover if they are still in contact. The affair HAS to end to enable your marriage to recover.

The affair stands in the way of your recovery. If you choose NOT to expose it, you are left with luring him back solely by virtue of your overall attractiveness via Plan A.

WAT

heroswife...

None of us are perfect. None of us wanted to find ourselves posting on a forum from the standpoint of finding out our spouse is/was having an A. None of us knew how much utter devastation this information would bring to our lives.

On the matter of your WW maintaining contact with OP while you try to heal your marriage....I am a relative newcomer to these forums, and don't know exactly how to address the topic. We are all aware that that is one of the most steadfast and uniformly agreed upon criteria addressed in books dealing with infidelity, and beginning the healing process.

With that said, I can empathize with your desire to keep the cat in the bag, so to speak, however, to make no effort to expose the A, is, in a word, to enable it. My WW failed miserably in NC over a 5 month period, just as recently as Jan. 7. The change in her mood after contact with OM was upbeat, euphoric, and as easy to spot as a drunk in church. Otherwise she was grumpy, irritable, and somewhat short a good share of the time. Think of it as an addiction...they get their fix, and things are good, withdrawal is very real, and forces huge mood swings.

You have found yourself on the most bizzare roller coaster (emotionally) that you will ever experience. Your WS will be on one of his own, although entirely different from yours.

I would rely on the chaplain (sorry, gotta say it) to give you direction regarding the way it might be handled within the military, perhaps without devasting results to your WH career. Sometimes those who have done remarkable things for their country, are treated in remarkable ways when they do something unremarkable. LOL! I hope that made sense!!

Something not asked before... have you seen a (pro-marriage) counselor (MC)? If not, perhaps you should call and consult with Dr. Harley or Cerri, available here on the MB site. They could give you direction on the No Contact Issue.

Another suggestion/question is have you considered anti-depressants to help you better stay calm and collected while you exercise Plan A to the max and decide how to "out" the affair. Might give you an irresistable "MONA LISA" smile !!!

I recommend you consider both of these suggestions...

I feel that my hope is slowly fading. The more I read this board and the more I read the books and articles I am realizing that Plan A has no hope for my marriage. I find that the thought of exposing the A makes me sick.

I know my H will leave me. He has said as much. Just last night as I was trying to talk to him about my pain I asked him if he was here with me simply because of what I could do to his career if I let the cat out of the bag.

He became furious and said if you do that I might lose my job but at least I'll be single and won't have to deal with this crap anymore.

He cried and said he wished he was dead so he didn't have to face this anymore and he never says things like that. He rarely shows any emotions.

He swears there's nothing going on between him and the OW. He says he's trying to work on this and that he loves me and wants our marriage more than anything in the world. He says he made a mistake and now I won't let it go.

He even said that I was making him hate me because I will not forgive him.

My kids have been through so much. I can't see how I could just put plan B into action without destroying them more. My oldest daughter is very upset by all of this. Her Daddy is her world and she is his. The thought of leaving him and taking the kids with me kills me because I know if it doesn't work out it'll be my fault and my kids will blame me. I am feeling very hopeless.

I am on medication. Zoloft to be exact. I'm not so sure it helps because I cry all the time.

My H has agreed to do the phone consultation through this site. He swears he'll do what ever I want. He is trying to be better about this. I think he's really trying but the anguish I feel from knowing that he goes to work with her everyday and the fact that at any moment the OW could come on to him (like right now) and he could fall back into the A and I'd have no way of knowing.

The word hopeless does not do how I feel justice. Is there a word for how you feel right before you drive off of a bridge with your wrists flexi cuffed to the steering wheel?

heroswife,

There is not one BS (betrayed spouse) on these forums who has not experienced your feelings of dispair. Sometimes they roll over us like a tsunami, and everything seems bleak, and unending. These feeling will come and go, so be prepared to ride them out, each and every time.

You should be cautiously optimistic about some of the things you stated in your last post.

He showed you some emotions that he does not commonly let out. That should show you that somewhere deep inside him there is sufficient guilt, or remorse to prompt that emotion.

He also agreed to a phone consultation. I would also be encouraged by that. He could have just said no.

It is extremely important to keep in mind that WS's are in a fog, and things he says are driven by shame, guilt, and temporary insanity caused by an A, and you should not take them to heart.

You should also remember YOU are in charge, and it is YOUR responsibility to keep conversations "safe" for both of you. Your remark to him about staying only to save his career was a LB (love buster), a disrespectful judgement. Speak about YOUR feelings, do not speak for him or put your words in his mouth. It is difficult to do, but with focus and concentration, it is possible.

You have not stated that you have undeniable evidence of the A. Do you? Or was it just his "confession" that brought it out? Or did you discover it? Those things may factor in, at some point in time.

heroswife, do not dispair. You need to be strong for yourself and your children. If you are dwelling on thoughts of harming yourself, please, PLEASE seek qualified help immediately.

Remember, the wisdom you are acquiring now, will be shared with others on these boards in the future. We need you!!!

hero

what I could do to his career if I let the cat out of the bag.

(sarcasm on)
Yeah....this is all your doing.
(sarcasm off)

I would still go the Chaplain. My lovely wife and I are both in the AF. When I found out about my wife's A I went to the chaplain. I even went to our commander. Nothing official ever happened, that was kind of left up to me to pursue which I didn't. I was friends with our commander so I think that is why nothing really came of it. I'll tell you it didn't really stop the affair. They still talked and emailed but couldn't really hang out together. Eventually she did get moved to another unit, the affair did have a part in the move I believe.

You do have the power on this one.

God Bless

Doug

heroswife,

I think there is a lot of hope. He is willing to go to counseling. And he is opening up to you.

So here is what I recommend. Go to the recovery section and KiwiJ's thread there. You will see this issue from the other side. Then, sit down with your H and very matter of factly lay it out for him.

He is working on the marriage, but he is not working productively. Then tell him what he needs to do.

1. He needs to end the A if it is still going on.

2. He needs to understand that if he has ended the A that there will be withdrawal from her as if he was a drug addict.

3. He needs to understand you are badly wounded and need his care. You need him to listen to you and discuss with you ways of dealing with things, and "just get over it" is NOT a solution. You need his help. What would help? Him smiling, touching you, talking with you, and most of all being very honest with you.

4. Your goal is not only to rebuild the marriage but get to a point where you never bring the A up again. You are not there, he needs to help you by telling you HIS STORY. You need this so that you AND he can decide on actions that will HEAL BOTH OF YOU.

5. He needs to admit that this mess is getting to him as well.

6. Assure him that forgiveness will come, that this is NOT a life sentence, rather it is an OPPORTUNITY to make your marriage far better for both of you than ever before.

7. Explain to him you know you have options including: leaving, destroying her career, destroying his career, just hanging in, OR viewing this as an OPPORTUNITY to address the issues you both have and make this marriage something you both enjoy and find comfortable.

He is a military type of guy. Lay out the plan for him. Tell him that more than anything you understand his feelings now, but you want him to address yours so that you BOTH can move forward. OPPORTUNITIES when presented must be taken advantage of. Any good military man knows this, and YOU know it is true in marriages.

heroswife, think about this. He needs your help and you need his. But, if you realize that dispite the pain this is an OPPORTUNITY to make something far better than either of you have had, then you may have something he will listen to. I think the counseling with the Harley's he will like.

Talk to him, lay it out step by step. No emotions, no tears, just her is what I think, her is what I need, here is what I want. Make sure he notices, that what you don't want is a pound of flesh. You want his help in recovering and working together to make the marriage better.

Go read KiwiJ's post and you will see why I say this to you.

God Bless,

JL