My wife had an affair with a co-worker. She still works there and makes no effort to leave this place. It's killing me. She says the affair is now only in my mind. Whether it is or not, I cannot rebuild while she is working there. Am I wrong for insisting that she find a new job? This situation is going to cause our marriage to fail. Should I let her go?

sounds like you sure don't want to let her go. I had a similar situation, my H worked with OW at three jobs, and one of those he hired her after i found out about the affair, and then he lived with her without my knowing it (long story).<BR>point is, he finally got another job, in a town far away from her, after i told him our marriage was over if he didn't. that was a huge wakeup call for him, even though i had said it repeatedly, he could not HEAR it till he stopped seeing her.<BR>Betrayers can just be deaf to us, when still in contact with the OP.<BR>If there is any way you can get her to read the info on this site about getting away from the OM to fix the marriage, do it. I cut and pasted a blurb about it and emailed it to my H.<BR>She might be downplaying the whole episode so as not to hurt you or to allay her own guilt, and it may take time, time, time.<P>You can really get a lot of ideas and support from reading and posting here, so hang around awhile. It has been my lifeline while i have waited for my H to come around.<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Pain,<P>I hear ya. You are not wrong in insisting that she find other employment. I was there, and I quit my job, (I was the betrayer..ugh) and you know what? I finally realized the whole scenario with the OM was just, as the old cliche goes..just a fantasy, or maybe more like a nightmare. You get to a point where you realize that this is the worst decision you have ever made, and you want to distance yourself from the whole situation. That includes quitting your job. It's not running away from your situation, it's getting yourself to a point where you can finally think clearly, and realize what reality is all about. She needs to distance herself from this, and develop a clear head. <BR>When you insist she quit her job, she says "no", and you are at a standstill. That is hurting you, and she is being selfish by not realizing as of yet what she is actually doing. She needs to realize for the health of your marriage that she has to get out of that situation, and start repairing the damage she's done. My opinion is this, (for what it's worth), you stand firm on your grounds, and (don't lovebust) show her where you stand. The marriage cannot work without her giving her 100% now. I know that many are faced with unwavering spouses who are yet to back down, but let her know that you cannot deal with this, and no spouse should. You have been tolerant, and this is where it ends. Take care, and take my advice for what it's worth, just my opinion

Pain,<BR> Everything I have ever read says the spouse needs to avoid all contact with the OP.That includes working with them.You are not wrong for insisting her to find a new job.A marriage is for life,a job is just a job.Maybe the affair is over,and she likes her job,but out of respect for you and your piece of mind,she should look for another one.We have a saying where I work,"Don't get your Honey,where you get your money".I've seen people at work get involved,then later end up hating each other,but still have to work together.I read that since more women have joined the workforce the last few decades,infidelity is on the rise,and the divorce rate has shot sky high.It always seems there's some smooth talker(man or woman)who thinks your spouse would be better off with them than you.Stand your ground on this one.What your W did was'nt a stupid little thing.She committed adultery with a co-worker.She needs to get away from him.Can you get into counseling?Maybe a marriage counseler can explain that to her.Take care.<BR> --Murph

In the same situation, so can relate exactly. I've had a lot of good advice from similar threads recently - maybe searching out these might help. The one big answer is - it doesn't work. But my H won't accept that either, and it's killing me, like you. However, work on your marriage, because, as you will see from my past posts, changing workplaces doesn't ensure it won't happen again, unless the reasons for the affair are addressed in the first place.

No, you're not wrong in WANTING her to find a new job, but insisting? Well, the problem is that you can't order adults around. You have to hope that they take your feelings into consideration when making decisions.<P>My H doesn't.<P>He had/is having what is at the very least a friendship with his ex-boss (female) that has been driving me crazy for about a year. It continued after he got fired, escalated last December, has calmed down a bit since March when I started a "nondisclosure Plan A."<P>She got him the interview for his current job, where he fears he is about to get fired yet again.<P>Now my fear is that she will offer him a job with her company and that he will accept.<P>If that happens, I want to put my foot down and say, "Enough!" and I'm scared to death.<P>It's really hard when the other person is a sword of Damocles over your head all the time. My H has already demonstrated that when I'm not supportive enough, he goes running to her for solace. "Supportive enough" means pumping units into his love bank 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without stopping, without asking anything in return. He is a bottomless pit, and half the time the little red needle in MY tank is pointing to "E". <P>Yet I persevere.<P>You'd think that your opinion would matter to your wife, wouldn't you? Yeah, I'd figure that if my H's friendship was hurting me that much he'd let it go too, right? But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...he refuses to acknowledge my feelings, and I've been left to deal with them on my own, by ranting here, to friends, and by going back into therapy. He's conveniently forgotten why I went back into therapy in the first place.<P>I came very close to having an affair with a co-worker once. Scared me to death. I left the job and got another one to keep it from going further.<P>I do not understand why these people can't take their spouse's feelings into consideration.<P>Not much help to you, I know, but I'm just telling you that you're not wrong.<P>

Thank you all for your comments.

I discovered my Ws affair two years ago and thought it was all just "good friends", found this sight... worked thru my pain and thought things were ok... I trusted her and she continued to "work there" even though I didn't want her too.<P>Find out two weeks ago, she's been in Full Affair for almost 3 years now and wants to leave me... DO NOT believe it, especially if you have any slight evidence otherwise... All I did was "teach my wife" how to hide it better and I'm much the worse for it.<P>

Okay, I'm coming from the other side. I am the betrayer (this time anyway... my H betrayed with a co-worker 12 yrs. ago) and we've been there from both ways. When his affairs were discovered, he continued working for about six months but avoided contact (as much as possible) with the OW. Suddenly, without apparent cause, he was let go from the job. We moved 100 miles from the women (there was another woman, as well) and started over. <P>This time, it's me, and the OM and I are still here working together. In my case, I work in a very large company with thousands of clients, so it's not like a small company where we get trapped in the same small office. But we do have to have contact with each other and it's been very rough going. It can be done though. Thing is, someone has to be strong and keep the OP at a distance. That's what's kept me away from the arms of the OM, I keep pushing him away, getting meaner and meaner. I HAVE TO or else he has an "in". That's not MY problem, it's HIS (OM's) problem.<P>My questions to you would be: Your W won't admit the affair, and doesn't want to end it (whatever "it" is), right? Is she willing to look for employement elsewhere? Can you live without her paycheck?<P>Forcing her to do anything right now will only cause further separation, I think. But you need to know the truth. This is where some of the others on this board have some expertise. Ask their advice on how to find out for sure if she's having an affair. <P>Have you considered marriage counseling? No matter what, it sounds like a good option.<P>Best wishes to you!

My wife has confessed the affair. I found out about it, moved out, and returned after three months. I met the guy and warned him to stay away. My wife ended the affair and after spiritual counseling did everthing to have me move back in. She has come clean with me. Our marriage is strong right now and I do trust her. But it's killing me that this guy still works there. A counselor explained to me that my wounds about the affair are not healed yet. Although I've forgiven her, the events keep coming back in my mind everytime she goes to work, everyday. It kills me that this guy sees her and works with her. She says that she loves the job. I know she has distanced herself from him, and I suspect he stays away from her too. She had made it clear to him that she wanted to repair her marriage. She has invited me to make surprise visits anytime to prove that he stays away. But they work in the same field and have to have professional contact. That's eating me up. She is highly regarded in her workplace. She is resentful of the fact that I bothers me that she works there. She has a lot of friends there (girlfriends, older ladies) and doens't want to start over somewhere else. My opinion is that she should of thought about that before she had the affair. Now that the damage is done, she needs to make a sacrifice for her mistake. I didn't tell her to just quit, just to seriously look for other jobs. But she is being defensive. I've been looking for her. The only thing left of the affair is in my mind. But I feel that if she loves me, she will respect my feelings and look for another job. My marriage will never be what it can be as long as she is there. Right now, the way I look at it, The OM won. I feel like I'm still sharing my wife with him. this has caused too many arguments so I've decided to not say anything more about it and just live with the pain and the hurt about her working with the OM. Any opinions or advice. By the way, doing this has really helped me. <p>[This message has been edited by Pain (edited August 28, 1999).]

Pain,<BR>My W is having an affair with a co-worker as we speak and has been for 3years that I know of. She now wants a divorse, we are selling our home and calling it quits. I truley believe she nad the OM are not stopping there, that they will blow apart his family as well before all is said and done. She has not wavered from this affair at all that I can see. She has told me that they have broken it off numerous times but always seemed to get back together, she just did not have the strength. My question to you is what is going to happen if you two have a fight, not even related to her affair, who will she turn to for solace. I can't begin to tell you the pain I felt when our son was in the hospital and I knew she was leaning on his shoulder rather than mine. This is not something that you should have to carry around for the rest of your marriage. A job is just not worth it. <BR>This is all my rather biased opinion but....<BR>I hope she will understand your feelings and if she won't I would tend to think things are not as over as she would have you believe......

Pain & MKN,<BR>I too am in your same boat. My w works and now lives with om. I've given her conditions on returning home being obviously leaving other man and also her job.<BR>She now says job is her calling(shes a RN) and this current job is the best she has ever had and won't leave. She told me the other day that the job meets all her emotional needs! <BR>How am I to overcome that? She basically has two loves, om and her job.<BR>The other problem with the job is that she works afternoons so we have limited time together. She says she can't get on days. <BR>Thru counseling I've found out what I wnat in a marriage. That includes a wife that is dedicated to me and the family.<BR>I don't want to ne 4-5th on her priority list after herself, om, her job, the kids, herself and then maybe me.<BR>Am I wrong to hold out and get the divorce and look for someone that meets my needs ?<BR>

RWD,<BR>Only you can decide if that is a wrong decision or not and I am biased to say the least but if she is not willing to work and sacrifice for the marriage there will come a time when enough is enough. The only thing to keep in mind are the ramifications of both (leaving or staying). I also believe a divorse is never final when it's a family, a couple, yes family, no.