I woke up early this morning in tears. Ruminating...It is 6.20 am. I have
been awake for an hour maybe. I just realized that my husband didn't run
after me, he didn't call me back yesterday, he didn't write to me. He is not
on his knees trying to get me back. And I found out this morning that he has
changed the password on his "main" account. That means that he accepted the
separation that I suggested and is planning to continue his relations with his
mistress. He must be mad at me for snooping and calling her. I have a feeling that he ran after her and not after me.
I will not survive in this. My life has gone to pieces! And again I want to stop my treament and rush home.

sweetie, this is normal! When I contacted the OW.. he cancelled my birthday party. ANd din't talk to me for days. He realized he couldn't have his cake and eat it too.. Then again he felt he lost someone who was meeting some of his EN's. Calm down.. take a warm bath, cry if you like.. sometimes tears heal! Talk to a friend.. go out for hot chocolate. I mean whatever you get you out from focusing on him.

I'm sure he is just raging mad right now. Don't call him either. Just let this go because you are going to be in pain because he's not going to be nice to you at all. Even when you try to be nice. He's the one that hurt you, but its going to be like reverse!
He'll come around.....don't worry he's just MAD! There are stages..

good luck.. big hugs*

Harudah:
Thank you for your support. Please tell me more about the stages. Why is he mad at me for contacting the OW? I told him I would. He was unwilling to end our marriage when I was talking to him. Do you think he wants it to end now? Do you think he is running after her now?
Could you please tell me more about your contact with OW? What did you find out? How did it go?
Oh, I just saw your thread. I will read it.

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

Harudah, i read your thread! You are going through hell! I hope, sweetie, things will get better for you.

What is WS?
I feEl like I made a mistake contacting his OW! I don't know! i don't know anything anymore!

Yeah,, it was HELL! I'm healing though girl. We are slowly getting there. Some days are good, some days are bad.. but you see the easy thing was for me to pack up and leave and know its over.. and we're both we'd be happy.. That wasn't the case.. he didn't want to leave me either. He said she couldn't never be his wife. That I cannot be replace except. So I was in the same situation, he wouldn't let go for me, yet he was mad when I contacted the OW.

The OW was nice to me.. she said she would leave us alone.. take it I wasn't so nice to her at the begginning I was very authoritative towards her. But I calmed down since she was being nice. She also contacted my husband to tell him that I contacted her and that his life is with me and that's her reason for leaving.

I told her for both our safety ... ha ha it would be best if she just leave my husband alone.. She again begged him to call her back so they could talk.

I haven't seen any contact...I've been digging.. and looking. I haven't had any sign yet!

It's getting better.... Look, your marriage is still hopefull.. right now you may feel so ****ty, but see.. I"m still writing.. I feel good actually today.. I feel good.. really. We've been bonding more than ever.

So your marriage is not over.. unless you want it to be.. but I doubt that's what you want. I ordered an airplane ticket already....and beleiver told me "This is no time to make livestyle changes." so I didn't.. and I thank her!

Harudah:
What you are saying to me gives me hope. But since he changed his password I am afraid he is planning to continue with his OW. He wants me out.
I have no idea what is going on there and want to call. But i know I shouldn't. I have my doubts now that she will keep her promise to stay away from him. He may not want to let her go!

Hey you two, no fair talking without me. Both of you hang in there. Things will go up and down.

I've been doing this for 7 months. WS (wandering spouse, Kamara) has been back to reconile 11 times. But OW was always in the picture. And when we first separated I didn't hear from him for 3 months.

I did no Plan A because I didn't find this site in time, just booted him to the curb. Now that I have read here, I'm doing much better. All of my days are good.

I had a great talk with WS yesterday. He said he loves us both, but would like to stay with me. He says I am more "his speed". GRRRRRR. She has cheated on her H 3 times, and is kind of scatter brained, and doesn't work.

So anyway I gave him another Plan B letter and told him I'm not sure I want to spend my life with someone who wants me because I am more "his speed".

Hang in there and don't waste precious time worrying and obsessing. WS's go through many changes and tell you crazy things while they are in the fog. But most come out of it.

Tamara... first of all, welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but there is no better place to get good advice and comfort and understanding from people going through similar experiences.

The first advice I can offer you is to calm down. You are all over the place, starting a new post nearly every day. From what I've seen here, it is more helpful for those offering advice to you, to have your "thread" all in one place, under one posting, so they can follow the history of what your are going through, and offer advice on the "big picture", not from several different snapshots.

You are trying to react to all that is happening to you, without preparing yourself to do so. The VERY FIRST THING you need to do is get a copy of Surviving an Affair by and read it and fully understand the dynamics of what an affair causes people to do.

Most people react in absolutely the wrong way, unless properly informed on the BEST way to handle all aspects of the affair.... confrontation, ending the affair, seeking counseling, beginning the healing process. I certainly reacted the wrong way, and it cost me several months of valuable time time in getting the affair to end and starting on the road to recovery. You cannot trust your own instincts to lead you down the proper path in all this... you will make so many mistakes, because you have not prepared yourself to avoid driving huge wedges between yourself and your WS (wayward spouse).

Start with reading the book, and take a close look at Plan A and Plan B, and decide which bests suits your situation. Typically, doing a very well executed Plan A, sets up a much better chance for a successful Plan B.

Also, listen to what people in these forums are telling you. Most of what I've seen in your posts are "vents", expressing your frustration and confusion over what to do, but I see no sign of you taking any of the advice to heart, and taking action to better prepare yourself for saving your marriage.

Sorry if this sounds like a harsh post, it is not intended to be. I appears you are floundering, and not proceeding in any direction to help yourself. You have to have a plan, and execute it. The MarriageBuilders plan seems to be as good as any that are out there. Do yourself a favor and explore it and see if it suits you.

Best wishes....

Ooops - just reread Harudah's post and she means withdrawal syndrome when she says WS. That is what they go through when trying to break their addiction to OW.

If you want to email me at digsblues@aol.com, I can order to book and mail it to you.

Hang in there, it would be useless to quit treatment and go home. Once the A starts, there is nothing you can do except the MB plan. I've been trying to get WS to stop seeing OW for 7 months to no avail.

Thank you, shattered dreams. You are right - I am all over the place. And I am mostly venting. I am reading a lot right now, I know about plans A and B. I reada lot here too. But th eporblem is that I have hard time to concentrate right now. And I think that it is not the question of saving my marriage right now but of saving my life. The more time I am under the stress the fewee chances I have to improve my health.
Who is the author of Surviving an Affair? I will go to the bookstore and get it.
Thank you, believer, for your help.

Dr. Willard A. Harley

go to the top of any forum page, and click on "HOME" and you can learn more about who he is, and what MarriageBuilders is all about.

You CAN save your life, and your marriage!!

You just gotta believe!!!

Dear Kamara

I'm so sorry you're in this very, very bad situation... it just isn't fair that a person should go through serious health problems and infidelity at the same time.

I hope you'll make a new statement instead of "I will not survive". Please ask your brain to repeat the sentence "I WILL survive, no matter what!"
I know it feels terrible to be cheated on, I know you are in a lot of pain in so many ways. However, there is a lot you can do to change the way your husband behaves towards you (Plan A!) and the way you treat yourself (Plan B) just don't give up on your marriage yet - It's way too soon for that!
I pray that you will find the strength within you to survive this! You know - you deserve happiness and I strongly believe that is what you'll get in the end!
You are worthy of a long wonderful life!

I'll write here later when my son goes to bed.

Hugs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />