Originally posted in
other Topics, suggestion to move here.

My husband and I have been married for 17 years this year, together for 18. He was married before, briefly (He served his Ex divorce papers around their first anniversay) They has been together for about 6 years total. I had met him around the time of the filing. This past October, he looked her up on the internet, through Classmates, and she responded to his e-mail, they have been contacting each other since, a few emails and IM's. I've voiced my thoughts about this, it has brought me back to the young woman that I was all those many years ago, the rebound one. She keeps bringing up the past, would they still be married if friends hadn't interviened? She said she knew she was going to marry him the first time she saw him... That kind of crap, she alledgedly is happily married (third time)and has three children,one with the second husband and two with the third. But I feel very insecure, I am clingy now and fearful, I've shared this with him, and he shares the e-mails and IM's, but I can't seem to let this go. I've tried to let go, but all I seem to focus on lately is this. I worry about the e-mails and the contact. I know he loves me, and we are very close. I'm sharing my feelings, but I just don't understand the reasons to keep her on his buddy list, or to respond to e-mails. There were no children from their marriage, there was 17 years of seperation, why does he have this need to find out how she is? How am I supposed to feel, we have two teenagers, and are very happily married, I'm just insecure? We have had our ups and downs, but recently, about two years now, things have been wonderful. We have been in counselling for 7 1/2 years, we meet every other Monday, it's been the same counselor and now it is just a comfort zone. An evening out for us, a third party to listen. We've told her we'll still be visiting at the nursing home, she is more like a family member, as she knows us so very personally. She is discussing this with us too. I'm confused. Any suggestions? A mid-life crisis? Definately a lesson for me, but what? I read a quote the other day "Hate is not the opposite of Love, but indifference is" I would like him to feel indifferent not curious.

She has got to go. Let your H know that you love and trust him, but this is how innocent people get sucked into affairs.

Have you done the emotional needs questionnaire together? Try meeting his need for admiration, it sounds like that might be his problem.

Hi Christine,
I have said numerous times that the opposite of love is not hate its indifference, because when you are indifferent, there are NO feelings involved so I can really relate with you. I don't think you really have anything to worry about as far as your husband is concerned, he is totally honest with you, however, I totally agree with Believer.... this is how things get started so I agree...she has to go. Seems to me that she is looking for him to validate one or more of her needs. I think with him, she is probably just puffing him up a bit, but gently tell him that you are quite capable of doing that for him and are also very willing and able. Then do something really sweet or sexy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> for him and knock his socks off. As a matter of fact, next time you see him reading one of her e-mails, shock him then. I'm sure he'll be thinking of ONLY you then. Good luck.

Thank you for you affirmations, I know I'm not crazy. As I said, we have been in counselling, we went Monday night. Since then H as told me I am not trusting him and I am trying to control him. Counselor says the ex has to go too, to close that door on the past. I want him to block her on AOL with block IM and email's, but he hasn't, I didn't demand, I asked if he knew he could do that, he said he did. Last evening she had e-mailed jokes or something. He didn't open them, I think he wanted to, but he accuses me of looking over his shoulder becasue I said to delete tham, that way if she checks on the status of them it will show them as deleted, not read. Anyway, he got mad, didn't want me to talk to him, said I was not trusting him, that I was controlling, and he wouldn't give me a kiss goodnight, or even touch me when we were sleeping. I has a horrible night, up and down constantly, an emotional wreak. I tried to talk this morning, explaining my feelings, being needy, clingy, etc. ( I just lost my dad to a trajic accident in November ) Now, he would not really talk, except to say I don't listen, and I tried to explain that I am opening up with my feelings about the e-mails and trying to share instead of ignore what I am feeling just to please the situation. I'm feeling lost. He did give me a hug, and a kiss goodbye, but he was still emotionally withdrawn.... Help, Please

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dnctroia:
<strong> told me I am not trusting him and I am trying to control him. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

No, HE'S trying to control YOU. He's insisting on holding on to his x, and telling you that your feelings don't matter.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he wouldn't give me a kiss goodnight, or even touch me when we were sleeping. I has a horrible night, up and down constantly, an emotional wreak. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He punished you. He withdrew affection. If it hurts bad enough, he hopes you'll stop bugging him about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tried to talk this morning, explaining my feelings, being needy, clingy, etc. ( I just lost my dad to a trajic accident in November ) Now, he would not really talk, except to say I don't listen, and I tried to explain that I am opening up with my feelings about the e-mails and trying to share instead of ignore what I am feeling just to please the situation. I'm feeling lost. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU don't listen? YOU? No, hon, you DO listen, and you DO hear. What you're not doing is OBEYING his commands. Again, he wants control.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He did give me a hug, and a kiss goodbye, but he was still emotionally withdrawn.... Help, Please </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get some MB help. You're damned if you do try to win him back, damned if you don't try.

You can't reason with him, you can't educate him, because he's in the fog. This is an emotional affair, and his connection with the ex is a wedge he's allowing to drive the two of you apart.

Yuck, sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />