This is a very long post, but I think most people will find it interesting if they read the entire post. I would really appreciate any feedback and advice on my situation.
I recently caught my wife on a match making site and yahoo messenger. The site kept a 7 day history of her chats with other members that she was unaware of. Needless to say there were very graphic exchanges of online sexual encounters. The most disturbing thing is that she described an encounter that she had with a man she met on a business trip 4 years ago. The encounter she described goes back 4 years when we were having some problems in our marriage. By the way I have had a vasectomy. I had found some morning after birth control pills in her purse. At the time in 1999 she convinced me that her obgyn had prescribed these because she was having very erratic periods, with very heaving bleeding ever since our last child was born 5 months earlier. What she said was true and she wanted me to call her OBGYN to verify it. I ended up believing her and left it alone. Ten weeks later she went on another Business trip and stayed at the same hotel. I was very suspicious and wanted to check her phone calls on her hotel bill. When I was looking for it in her briefcase I found 2 condoms. I confronted her about that and she said she wasn't feeling the best about our marriage and wanted to be prepared if she stumbled and was unfaithful. She guaranteed me that she never had to use one. Needless to say I was very suspicious and kept a close eye on her for a long time. Everything seemed to get better after this and I ended up believing that she never cheated on me. Now back to the present. When I confronted her with the story she posted online, she admitted that she came very close to cheating but never went through with it. She said the story she posted online is what she thinks would have happened if she did not stop. Now for the details. She claimed she feel asleep in her room after her seminar and when she woke up the restaurant in the Hotel was no longer serving, so she had to eat at the lounge. She said she ended up going to the bar and had a couple of drinks and started talking to the bartender. She said she signed her tab and the bartender asked her if her room was where the party was later. She said she was surprised and flattered and answered maybe. Then she goes back to her room calls me 45 minutes later than expected and then goes to sleep. At 2 A.M. her phone rings, of course it’s the bartender wanting to know if she wants him to stop by, she tells him yes. She said they kissed when he came in the room and he asked if he could take a shower since he had been working all night. She told him yes and he said feel free to join me. She said she leaned on the bathroom door for a few minutes then took off her cloths and decided to join him. She said he rubbed soap all over her body for a while and then they embraced and started kissing and he placed her hand on his penis. She said after a few seconds she started shaking and crying and that nothing else happened. She said he was very nice about it and got dressed and left. After asking her many questions this past week I have found out that she is the one who put her room number on the back of her receipt with 2 exclamation marks, and that the bartender was black (we are white) she only admitted this because I asked her if he was white or black. She admitted that the morning after pills were gotten after this encounter. I asked her why she needed them if there was no penetration. She said she was a basket case and didn't know what to do, so she called her OBGYN and they told her to take them just to be safe. I want to believe her, but I think I would be fooling myself if I did. Keep in mind that she went back to this hotel 2 months after this encounter and took condoms with her.

Before I was able to post this, more details have come to light.

Now for the updated info. She added more to her story about what actually happened in the shower. She said after he placed her hand on his penis, she pulled away and turned around placing her face in her hands and began to cry. She said she could feel that he was trying to enter her, but she doesn’t think he ever was inside her. (this is why she called her obgyn the next day, because she was scared and not completely sure what happened.) She wasn’t sure how long of a time this was, but she eventually got out of the shower and grabbed a towel and left the bathroom. He came out shortly with a towel and wanted to know what was going on and told her you know you want this. She said she became scared and ran to bathroom and locked the door and got dressed. She then came out and asked him to get dressed and leave. He wanted to know what was up and she explained that she had never cheated on me before and realized she couldn’t go through with it, and told him she was sorry. I’ve told her I don’t understand why she would have brought condoms the second time if this is really how it happened. I said there is no way he would want to be with you again if your story is true. She doesn’t agree that he would have felt that way. From a mans point of view I have to believe he was very upset and she was lucky that he didn’t rape her, if it happened the way she says. She swears she did not even see him the second time she was at the hotel. I will now include the story as she posted it online to a man she was chatting with. Around 2 AM there was a knock on the door. I opened it and kissed him passionately, was ready and waiting. He decided he would feel better after taking a shower since he was working. Off went his clothes and he jumped in the shower and I followed. It just started there, went on and on in the bed. Needless to say we made love at least three times and ate each other more than I can count. Had the alarm set for 6 AM and never had to use it. I met up with him one other time after that. He wanted more it made me nervous, he was not married. It made it too easy for him, almost like he didn’t care about me getting caught. It scared me, because I lost my mind when I was with him.

The part about getting together one other time is what is driving me crazy. If you recall she went back to the same hotel 2 months later, and I found condoms in her briefcase when she returned. I told her I could understand her making the story of their first encounter sound wild to the guy she was chatting with, but I don’t understand why she would have included the other details about the second time if it never happened. To make things worse is that the second time she was with two other woman from her work, which makes the part about her getting caught seem even more real. To top it all off our 8th anniversary was on the day that she arrived at the hotel the second time. I actually picked her up at the hotel and we went on a 2 day mini vacation to celebrate our anniversary. This part makes me believe she would never tell me the truth about the second encounter if it happened.

She has been very cooperative in getting me any info that I have asked for, including copies of her medical file from her obgyn and prescription history since 1999. I want to believe that her story that she told me is what really happened, even though it still sucks. I would greatly appreciate your opinions and advice.

Well the first thing that jumps out to me is the fact there were two condoms.

While no expert on condom packaging I am pretty certain they come packed in threes....at least they did many years ago when I was single.

Secondly given the racial dynamics and the timing around your anniversary you are right she is not going to divulge this unless she cannot get around it.

My wife fought tooth and nail to keep me from finding out she first slept with OM a few days after our anniversary. Was willing to reveal much more damaging information long before the anniversary encounter.

The condoms were actually taken from my dresser. These were left overs from a box we had gotten to use before and after my vasectomy until the test came back stating that I had no sperm present. I don't know why I never threw them away since I didn't have use for them anymore. I never dreamed that she would.

Hello,

My friend I think it is pretty obvious that she is lying to you about telling you the whole truth.
The bartender and her are in her room at 3am both taking a shower together and she is not sure if he entered or not? You would have to be in total
denial to continue to believe her stories. Look at her current actions online. Her story is so ridiculous to you I really don't know how she was able to tell it to you without laughing. The point now is what are you going to do about it. She refuses to tell you the truth and you catch her on online sex with other men telling them about her past affair.
I would strongly suggest immediate marriage counseling so she can be honest with you and work on recovery in your marriage if this is what you want. Unfortunately she is still disrespecting you by telling you these silly stories and expecting you to believe them. Do you honestly think anyone would buy the "I was in the shower with the bartender and I could not remember if he actually entered me?" She picked him up and allowed him to come to her room and take a shower with him at 3am. What more do you need?
I wish you luck.

Hello,

My friend I think it is pretty obvious that she is lying to you about telling you the whole truth.
The bartender and her are in her room at 3am both taking a shower together and she is not sure if he entered or not? You would have to be in total
denial to continue to believe her stories. Look at her current actions online. Her story is so ridiculous to you I really don't know how she was able to tell it to you without laughing. The point now is what are you going to do about it. She refuses to tell you the truth and you catch her on online sex with other men telling them about her past affair.
I would strongly suggest immediate marriage counseling so she can be honest with you and work on recovery in your marriage if this is what you want. Unfortunately she is still disrespecting you by telling you these silly stories and expecting you to believe them. Do you honestly think anyone would buy the "I was in the shower with the bartender and I could not remember if he actually entered me?" She picked him up and allowed him to come to her room and take a shower with him at 3am. What more do you need?
I wish you luck.

I hate to add my 2 cents to this, but here goes. On 1/9/04 my H has been slowly giving me the truth about his A with his secretary. First, he said he had feelings that were never revealed. Looked me in the eye and swore to that. Two weeks later he confessed the feelings of love had been revealed, but no sex. Looked me in the eye and swore to that. One week ago I got out of him it was a PA. His business partner and I, who have been the only truthful ones and are now talking to each other, had both asked him for months now if he was having an A. Partner is like a brother to him. Looked us both in the eye and said "NO!"

If you would have asked me a year ago if the man I totally trusted for almost 19 yrs. of marriage could lie like this I would have said no. My H told me the other day something like "You get so caught up in the lies and deception it just becomes a part of you." Trust your intuition on this one. sorry for what you're going through!

stung,
what are you really asking? if you want opinions as to weather or not she actually scr**ed the guy, my vote is that she did it and she's lying!...but let's say that she didn't do it...does that mean she didn't cheat?! come on, the real issue here is not weather she used the condom...it's what to do about a marriage that's in very serious trouble. what are you going to do about it? what do you want to do about it?
coach

I appreciate your replys and opinions. I want to make things work with my wife, but I feel like I can't move foward because of the constant doubt in my mind. I have told her over and over that I love her and want to work through this, but I need to know the truth. She continually stands by her version of the story and swears that there was no intercourse. I do totally agree with coach that what she did is definately cheating. In her mind she never considered it cheating. I have asked her if she would feel the same way if it was me in the shower with another woman. Of course that got her to realize that is was definitley cheating. She has also admitted to one EA with a co-worker that occurred back in 1996. That one hurt a lot because I had questioned her many times about her relationship with him, and she always told me I was paranoid and their relationship was nothing like that. She admitted that if he would have suggested they get together that she may well had pursued a PA. I am not 100% sure it never advanced to a PA, but if it didn't it was because his wife got pregnant and he found someone else at work that he was more attracted to. It is funny now that I know the truth. She was always telling me how this guy and another married woman would leave for lunch together and eveyone in the office was sure they were having an affair. She always acted disgusted,and couldn't believe he was doing this to his wife. I now believe these feelings were jealousy and not disgust. I know I have a lot of work to get my marriage back on track, but the main thing I need help on is how do I get past the doubt of whether I know the truth or not. I have done my best to track down the Bartender, but my wife claims she only knew his last name that she read on his name tag. The hotel is a 2 hour drive so it wouldn't be easy to go and see if he still works there. Does anyone know a way I could track him down with a last name and a place of employment in 1999? Thanks for any help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stung:
<strong>Does anyone know a way I could track him down with a last name and a place of employment in 1999? Thanks for any help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was 4 years ago? If you actually found this guy what do you think he would tell you? Do you think he would be respectful or want to help you? Would you trust what he told you?

I'm really sorry you're going through this - what an awful thing to find out.

If you want to recover, you need to be in marriage counseling with your W. For one thing, that may help her to see how important telling you the truth is.

Also, trying to corner her with this and that will make her less likely to open up to you. I'm sure you know this already. You need to make her feel safe ... if she knows that you are committed to rebuilding the marraige no matter what, hopefully she will give you the truth sooner than later. Unless you have some other sure-fire way of finding out ... it sounds like you don't.

good luck