Truthfully, I don't know what part of this site to post my questions. It seems that even in the "Recovery" section people are still struggling. Does anyone really get through this and have a good marriage?

Friday, throughout the night, and in the morning there was a real closeness and connection with my H. He told me it has been like he had amnesia and couldn't remember anything good about us. He told me he is remembering how good it feels to hold each other. During the day yesterday he was very tense. We hugged each other, but I detected something. My darn intuition. In bed I questioned him and we talked about the following. Also talked about it this morning. He is confused about his deep in-love feelings for OW. Will he get over them? Are they real? Ultimately I think he's asking himself does he want to give them up if this is the love of his life?

So here's me. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable. To feel feelings of love. To hold him and comfort him. But the idea that he might leave in the end after all this is a torture I don't think I want. He did fire her, but she will be there for 3 more weeks training the new office person. Knowing that he is feeling these intense feelings, even though he has distanced himself, is killing me. I never thought I'd stick around this long to begin with. Plus, on the "recovery board" someone posted a chapter from Harley's book stating men have a really hard time getting over an EA. He recommended moving to another state. Great! This all seems pretty hopeless to me.

This morning I felt like we could have had sex, but I stopped it. I still don't know the details of what he did with the OW. It's such a violation. I told him while he was depriving me he was messing around with someone else. I don't want him thinking about her when he's with me.

I just don't know how to do this. If he was gone I would tell my whole family and join a divorce support group. Now I feel like I'm still in this limbo state even though he said several days ago he wants our marriage to work. It makes me sick to hear him talk about being in-love with OW. Should I be listening to this crap? But if he doesn't express it it builds in him. Should we call the Harley's for help. Our shrink is out of town for 3 weeks. Please respond. Thanks!!!

CV55 -

I am also a junior member here, and there are much more experienced people here to respond to you. However, being that my husband is unable to communicate any of his feelings to me right now, I would have to say that him expressing his to you, even though they hurt you, is a positive step for you both. Remember, if you aren't there to meet HIS EN, he could go elsewhere to have those met. Right now, sorting through his feelings seems to be an EN for him.

I know it hurts. Also remember he is probably still somewhat in the fog, since he still has some contact with her each day. Until she is gone from the office in 3 weeks, and he goes through his withdrawl (Dr. H says another 3 weeks), his fog will not begin to lift all the way. Hang in there, and I bet after the fog lifts, he will apologize to you for hurting you more, and will tell you everything you want to hear now, and really mean it.

If you are interested in making an appointment with Dr. H, I think you should! He is an expert, and I have read other posts before and after their appointment with him, and they seem to get such clarity and peace.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Listen to him, love him, and if you have a Bible, read 1 Corinthians 13:4-10 about love, and know that at least on your end, right now, you are loving him in the way God intended.

Take care, Amy

Call the Harley's - they can work wonders. It is expensive, but much less than a divorce.

Hi CV55,

IMO,I think there is a point where talking to your WH about his feelings about OW need to be put aside for YOU.In that I mean,it is very important to discuss your feelings and WH's yes, but, a lot of what your WH is dealing with is HIS journey,his discovery of why he feels the way he does and what he did,what his fears(i.e is this the love of his life) are and how is he going to deal with them from now on.This is HIS cross to bear.

It is not beneficial for you to repeatedly hear the same sickening story of how "in-love" he was with this OW.You know that,he knows that and you don't have to be beat over the head with that knowledge each and every day.It is painful and torturous for you so I don't believe it holds any benefit at a certain point.That "point" may be up to your counselor or someone like Steve Harley.It's like repeatedly ripping off a scab on a wound that is trying to heal.At some point in recovery,the focus needs to be on just that,recovery and the POSITIVE goals that should be set for you both.

If every session of counselng or every moment you spend together is one big pain fest and it outweighs the positive feelings you have while you try to repair your marriage,then maybe a new plan of action needs to take place.Recovery is so so hard but you should have some glimmer of hope within it all or it can just be draining the life out of you.

Maybe you should make a deal that there will be no more discussion of OW until your "shrink" comes back and then you can discuss how much hearing about OW hurts you and how best to deal with this issue.Your WH still sounds confused so just do what you need to to *survive until those 3 weeks are over and OW will be outta there.


Hang in there,it's a rough ride.

O

I know exactly the feeling. I discovered H affair 4 weeks ago. I deceided to stay, so he did. But right now he is still confused and he says he has no longer contact with her, but I dont trust. He was nicer with me before I found out.
Right now he is back from jogging (sunday 11 pm)when he finally is in bed I tell him I need to hear something nice and he says he is tired. I wish I had the strength to go trugh this, this is the hardest time of my life. I wish you luck!

Married 11 years, 3 beautiful doughters.

CV,

Couples do survive the life shattering effects of infidelity. Yes, couples do rebuild their marriages.

You are going to have to rebuild your life one way or another, with or without your spouse. You state </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't know how to do this. If he was gone I would tell my whole family and join a divorce support group. Now I feel like I'm still in this limbo state even though he said several days ago he wants our marriage to work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Think of the investment you and your husband have made in each other during your 19 years of marriage. You both have an opportunity to learn so much about yourselves and each other. Fight for what you want.

Ultimately, love is a decision and not a feeling. Feelings are neither right or wrong. They are just feelings and they are yours exclusively. It's not what you feel but rather what you do that matters. Decide what you want and go for it.

Get a new therapist. Three weeks is an eternity at this stage. You need help now.