when we married she told that she was avirgin,never had sex,but now someone sent photograph(nude) which took before we met. what i have to do..now ?

Well you accept the fact she chose to keep her past secret from you.

Does this change a whole lot on how you think about her?

It really shouldn't though I know you might be bothered by her pre marital deception. But its pretty common for women to downplay their past sexual activities...they do so because society says a woman who is sexually active is a whore while a man doing the same thing on an even higher level is a stud.

Unless she has behavior that has changed since you fell in love with her the picture doesn't change who she was when she met you.

One final thought. Depending who sent it to you and their possible motives it is quite possible the photo may not be the real McCoy. Some of the current photo shop software can be alter photos in an almost undetectable manner. Very well could be someone else's body with her head cut and pasted to the photo then digitally engineered to look legit. Someone with an axe to grind either with you or her would not be out of the question.

What was her explanation?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> when we married she told that she was avirgin,never had sex,but now someone sent photograph(nude) which took before we met. what i have to do..now ?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you have to do anything? You say it was taken before you met, and there is no evidence that she has been dishonest. Being a virgin means that you haven't had sexual intercourse, it doesn't mean that no one has ever seen you nude. Unless this is a picture of her having sexual intercourse, I don't see where it has a darn thing to do with virginity.

As stunned says, it may not even be her.

She can't undo past actions, had no commitment to you when the picture was taken, so if she has not lied to you, I think you need to let it drop. Punishing her for her past is a huge LB and problem.

<small>[ February 09, 2004, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

stunned-dad-fast recovering , it is not only her face but i know her body too, its the same.

worthatry, she has no sExplantions, she left home and now we r seperated.what do u think she is unable to digest truth.or lost face to findout the truth.?

*Takola* I do not think any girl will allow someone to click her nude pic unless she is very friendly with him, or there is nothing o hide from him.yea it is true that i cann`t judge someone from just pic,still,she lied to me.why she wanted to hide it, when there was nothing to hide.why she left home when i questioned.if she had sex then only 2 ppl will know,if some took pic that means,that may known by many ppl,she was bold enough to showoff,but not to face the truth or tell it to me.

rudo

Women are taught that to be sexy is to be a slut.

They are also taught men don't want sluts for brides just for the night.

So she did what she thought society expected out of a woman by claiming to be what that was...ie a "good" girl.

Its hard for a man to understand the power of the double standard applied to women and men when it comes to sexuality. Men are applauded for being sexual achievers. Women are looked down upon for that exact same behavior.

In her eyes she did do something wrong and she did feel the need to hide it.

AGAIN I ask you does this and this alone change anything about the woman you met and then later fell in love with? Is she less friendly, less beautiful and less loving because she chose to coverup something she felt you would look down at her over?

don`t laugh, i never had other women in my life than she.thats why i i offend with this photo,otherwise i would have ignored.

Rudo / Alfh - Welcome to marriage builders. I saw in your profile a post that did not get on forum. It told of an arranged marriage and how poorly she and her family treats you.

In my opinion there are serious problems you are facing. I suspect that she may have another man in her life that sent you the picture to cause you more problems.

Keep posting and please let us know what else is going on. Good luck to you.

Seems to me that you haven't given us the full story. Stunned makes good points, that I agree with very much. But you've only told us one aspect of your situation. Maybe it's what's on your mind right now but the good advice to be had on this site will only work if we get the full picture.

Takola is technically correct in that seeing someone nude does not, on it's own, mean you've had sex with them but you're response is valid too. You don't normally photograph someone nude if you're not in a relationship with them.

The key question is who sent you the photo and what are their motives? Possible answers...

(a) a friend who cares about you and knows your wife's past and wants you to know because he/she thinks it is in your best interests to get out of the relationship;

(b) as above except that the person is a woman who wants you for herself;

(c) another man who's in a relationship with your wife and wants you to divorce so that he can marry her;

(d) someone who hates you for some unrelated reason and wants to hurt you.

This is an anonymous board so you can feel safe disclosing personal information. My advice is that you open your heart and tell the full story. How long have you been married, why did your wife leave and what was the relationship like from your viewpoint? What contact do you still have with her?

Here it goes

http://lovelife.greatnow.kom/di/law.htm (kom = com)

I tried the link but it didn't work.

Type in the URL changing the .kom to .com

Thanks for the technical support. I'll paste in the story (but not the legal stuff)... before I make any comment.

"I`m one of the dowry harassment Law(498A) victim.
We got Married on 26th April 1997.

Ours was arranged marriage,Since begining she was not ready to mingle with my Family, only one week we stayed with my parents then we went to Bombay, where i was working. In the 2nd week of marriage she demanded DIVORCE, which i was not ready to give, then she and her family started to harasse me, After one year our 1st child born i found out, that she had affair with other man, and she wanted to marry him.but i never questioned her about it, she was Fun loving girl, After she come back from delivery,she started act strange,her words were sharp,and she was doing as her mother/sister told her. Even once her mother told her in front me, NOT to cook. and she did that. i fought with her that day. she was complaining i was not doing as she wanted.

All she wanted is; I have to do as she says
I have to give money to her brothers, whenever they want, and never ask it to return.
I have to give all my salary in her hand to manage home
I have to stay in her parents house, when we go to our native place.
I Should not ask, where she goes in the night
I have to wish her all Family members on occation,but she never done same to my Family.
Her Father was thretened me that I have to cook for her Even After coming back from Office
I have to bring Good Expensive wishkey when Family members come home, when i refuse to do coz i`m not drinking and i`m against alcohol;she made to promise to our neighbour that i`ll start drinking [ I see women who pray/do pasting for thier husband to STOP drinking.]
She was insulting me when i drink pepsi in get-together,saying its childs drink.
She was telling smoking was style of society- coz i was not smoking.
She was telling she was not SLAVE to do house hold work.
I was doing my laundry I can challenge any women in cooking(she never been to kitchen till her marriage)
She never know how to hold a needle - I was stiching kids cloths and buttons
She Demanded to write my Flat to her name
She always demanded to make more new gold ornaments-now she took all my gold with her


Later she called 7/8 relatives at night to my house, and threatned me, As a Christian i took this matter to Church,but they walked away insulted, next day night she came with some women relatives took all my money/gold insurence by force. i did`t went to police, thinking it should not made public,but next morning she lodged false complaint of dowry harassment on me. when i came back from office police were waiting for me. i was charge sheeted,i never took or demanded single paise as dowry, even i gave half of the money as wedding expenses.

On 28th October night 3 men came to my Flat,to threaten me,i did`t opened the door, i knew there were sent by her. Her sister Husband was arrested for murder for 7 years, and they have criminal background, in Bombay for just 1000Rs they murder someone. i did`t went to police because before that also i went to lodge complaint when her Family members threatened me to break my arms and limbs, Police made me to wait for not less than 2 hours,and took my statemnet, but did nothing. next day everyone adviced me to leave the city.
On 30th Oct 2000 i left India
without telling whereabouts to my parents even.
I was contacting my friend through Email and asking for the court date.

After 3 years, this case is still going on, she never came to the court,but LAW turn blind eye on that, if i`m not present for one court date, they issue Arrest warrant for me. Even my lawyer is not doing anything, he try to get more money, i paid so much money, totally i spent 2.5 Lakhs of Rupees in last 3 years. still nothing happend.
Court issued 3 Warrants against me, I went to india and got cancelled those warants After 2 years i returned to india and asked the judge to do justice. He sent summons to her,she never came to the court after i left India; coz she also left india, now she is working in Dubai(UAE)i know where she is working and she cann`t come for every date meanwhile i appealed for divorce, Her parents refuse to take the court notice coz she was not there. now court Granted me Ex-parte After one year of appeal. i kept her 498a till i get divorce,After divorce i will charge her for misusing the law, i already talked to a lawyer in Bombay High-court who was working with me before.

In this whole drama, even today, I know she is Innocent,whatever she has done to me,was inspired by those TV serials and her Mother/sister. I found her, in our married life together, she was a nice girl, spoiled by her parents.
I tried to contact her many time, but her Parents stoped me/her to meet each other.
Now she is affraid, If i take her back,I`ll really harass her and she cann`t do anything
Only I can say is
SHE DUG HER OWN GRAVE"

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: lovesaved ]</small>

Now I'll offer what help I can, but I fear it's not much.

The bit you wrote that struck was this passage...

"In the 2nd week of marriage she demanded DIVORCE, which i was not ready to give, then she and her family started to harasse me, After one year our 1st child born i found out, that she had affair with other man, and she wanted to marry him.but i never questioned her"

My interpretation is that she never really wanted this marriage but was pressed into it by her family for financial reasons. It is clear that you wanted her and still do but I have to say to you that the best thing is for you is to let go, move on and find someone who actually wants you.

Earlier on you asked the community on this board not to laugh when you revealed that you had never slept with anyone else. Friend, no-one's going to laugh at that (I'm in the same position myself). I'm guessing that she's an attractive girl and that you're both quite young.

Now when you first get interested in the opposite sex naturally you want the most attractive person you can see. Truth is they're probably not available to you (and often bad news anyway).

Experience teaches us to settle for someone less physically attractive that we can actually have and to look for other qualities.

This is only the second time ever on this board that I have advocated that someone give up on a marriage, but on the basis of what you've said I can't see that your wife ever really wanted to marry you.

I'd like to be wrong.

Thank you Lovesaved and 4give, it is not attractiveness or lust,i wanted to stay married coz she was the only one i loved(had SEX). After one kid it is impossible to think about seperating,coz i loved my son more than anything,she was housewife and i was working, still she hardly getsup at night to change his wet cloths,even her father told me, i have to cook for her even after comes back from he office,when she was sit at home watching TV.in our society whatever women do is right, only men make mistakes.

Rudo / Alfh,

Get Self Matters & its companion book from Dr. Phil. Self Sacrifice is a choice and it is unconditional love but you better make sure you have no baggage as a reason to do this.

I was doing it b/c deep love to my ex & my 2D but at the end the one that matter is myself. I read once the book and now I am working it w/ the companion book. So far I am on the mark. I closed my bagage a long time ago. Now I live the life I choose and I like. My 2 D are much happier ... our out of town skating competition is getting more and more enjoyable w/o my ex.

They make comment yesterday that competitions are much enjoyable now days .... (w/o my ex)

This family is going and heading somewhere and for sure is w/o my ex ... and we are getting closer and happier.

You know I was in your shoes 2.5 years ago looking back actually I rather get this pain and Dv rather than living w/ her even minus A. I know that I could have fullfiling M !!!!. I gave my best but my best wasn't good enough for her ... and it is about time for me to find someone else <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> that will care and protect my love for her.

-rh-
-rh-

Hi,

Do you currently live in India? If not, what country do you live in?

Unless I misunderstand the culture of India, even posing nude is considered offensive by your societal cultural views.

This next statement/question is what I thought was the cultural views or your country, and it is contradictory to your statement. So, please help me to understand. I thought in India, it was the norm for the women to be somewhat submissive to the husband, she took care of all housework, etc.

I also thought divorce was looked upon as very badly towards the woman.

If you are in India, what is the laws about divorce?

SwH,Yes I`m an Indian and live in india(now somewhere in midEast) forget posing nude or show someof the body parts by mistake also looked as offensive,society considerd them as cheap.hug or shake hand with other man is considerd same way. if she allow other man(friend) to touch her
sometimes leads to divorce.
In india society women has high previlages if they r with thier only husband,mostly they are head of the family,husband is name sake only(Man is tiger for others,when he come home he is a cat)yes women r seems sumissive(mostly r)but they control whole family.yes she do all household things,if she is not working women.
Divorced women has not that much respect in rural/villages but in metropolitan cities it changed.but law has softcorner for women,they always favor women,Any criminal get child custody if they are women.
you can read more about divorce law(Christian) in india [http://lovelife.greatnow.com/di/law.htm]