Thank you to those who have read and responded to my last post. I don't know if I should be starting a new post or just continuing with the previous one I posted so please advise if I'm doing this wrong.

D-Day was 2.5 days ago and in that short amount of time I've just completely lost myself. I don't know who I am or where I'm going. I don't even know where I've been. My husband and I have talked so much (which I think is a good thing?) since d-day but in some ways it's just leaving me more confused. Everyone I know says, "You're the strongest person I know." I'm the one with the 'perfect' life. The 'greatest' husband who 'loves me to death'. I'm the one they look to for advice. I'm the one who 'has it all together'. Now as my world is crumbling around me I think...you know, my life is just a series of lies. I'm not a strong person and I don't have the greatest husband who loves me to death. On the outside I've been living that because that's what's been expected of me. I can't fail. I have to be perfect. I have to be the one who can keep it all together.

Well, I guess I have failed. My husband just slept with another woman. If that's not the biggest kick in the face. And, having read their emails to each other...well, I just can't stop vomiting. The way he talked about touching her and longing to be with her. And I hope this is okay to write but the feelings he described as he gave and received oral sex (which to me is just the most personal act. Something that you do with your soul mate. Not something he should be giving to her the first time they're together...he says that's just my sexual hangup).

He's somewhat disappointed (poor baby) that she said 'fine' when he said that it was over. I don't know that he was looking for her to fight over him but he says he truly had feelings for her and now he feels used. Personally, I think that his feelings were coming from the newness of their relationship...the excitement of it. I've told him that (more so to see how he would react) and he said that I might be right. Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I've shared a lot about how I feel about him since D-day. His response is that he doesn't believe me. He says that they're just words and if I had made him feel that I love him as much as I say I do...if I had showed him those feelings he wouldn't have had to go elsewhere. I'm having a really hard time with this being my fault. I wasn't the one who slept with someone else. He made that conscious choice. And, he's the one who shut me off emotionally. He's the one that was having the personal problems (adjusting to our move, problems at work, major problems with his parents) and wouldn't share his thoughts or feelings with me. I tried to be supportive but he just pushed me away. What should I have done?

He says he loves me. I'm the mother of his children and his wife of 10 years so he'll always love me but that he's not 'in love' with me. I guess on a positive note he talks about wanting to be 'in love' with me again. He talks about how things were when we fell in love 12 years ago and how wonderful it would be to have those feelings back. Is that possible? Really, is it possible to get those feelings back? Those of you out there who are further along than I am please tell me...is it possible?

I've read all the material on the marriage builders website and it all makes sense. I printed out a lot of information and gave it to my husband and also gave him the website address so he can check it out for himself. I told him that this was the first deposit into his Love Bank...read it, fill out the questionnairs and know that I'm asking him to do it because of my committment to him and my love for him. He said he was open to it but sometimes I feel like I'm just begging him to love me. Does that make sense? I mean, why would anyone want to remain with a person who isn't faithul? He says he understands how I feel because his long-time girlfriend before me cheated on him. No. There's a HUGE difference in a high school/college relationship ending because of cheating and being married for 10 years and having three children together. We've shared everything in our lives for the past 12 years. Side by side we stood and faced all our obstacles. We have survived so much together. Why would he think that he had to go somewhere else after all we've been through together? He has been strong for me when I needed him and I've held him up when he was struggling. When did that stop happening? Why did he have to go outside our marriage?

And how am I supposed to feel about him still working with this woman? I belive the affair is over. Originally he said he didn't feel any guilt and that he wasn't sorry for what he had done. Last night he said that since we've talked he does feel guilty and is so sorry that it happened. He said if he could do it over again he wouldn't do it. Does he mean that?

And how should I feel the next time he goes on a business trip (which is the only time they physically see each other)? The thing is that she is his boss (poor choice of a person to have an affair with) despite ending the affair they will still need to have contact with each other several times a day through emails and phone conversations. I've shared my feelings about this but he can't quit his job. He said that he can look into being transferred into another group but it's not likely that's going to happen. They're both very good at their jobs so they've always been put on the most important projects together and it's not likely that those above them would ever agree to change that. How do I deal with the fact that he still has contact with her? I guess it's not even my fear that they might get back together (sure it is) as I'm trying to trust what my husband is telling me but it bothers me to know that she will still have access to my personal life (ie when my husband takes a day off or when I take my kids to the dentist and need a dental form) and that she will still have access to my husband. I know that it takes two to tango but I also know that if she had remained professional rather than treating my husband as if he were hers he wouldn't have had an affair with her. Am I out of my mind? I feel like I'm out of my mind.

Damn, she sent me gifts when I gave birth to each of my children. I've brought my children to the office (when we lived closer they worked at the same office) and she's held every one of them. She bought my kids gifts when we moved to wish them well. I feel like such a fool.

I'm sorry to have blabbered and have expressed anger here but those reading this are all I have. I still am not ready to admit failure to my friends and family so I've got no one else to process my feelings with.

Thanks for listening.

If you start doing lots of reading here you will see that your WH is in the fog, and doing and saying the same things they all do. So it is important not to take it personally. I know it is hard, but necessary.

The OP's are similar too. They are often friends of the wife, know they are hurting a family, but just don't care.

Dr. Harley says we all are wired for infidelity. That is why it is so important to keep proper boundaries, so we don't stray.

Start in Plan A and come here and post. We will help you through this. It is awful at first, but things will be better.

Hey Confused,
I don't know if reading my post will help or not, but here it goes...And by the way, I don't think you are blabbering at all, I have been there and not having a friend or familiy member that you can talk to about the "real" reasons yu two are having problems drives one crazy.
I am currently going through a very similar situation, but in reverse. After 9 years of marriage and the most wonderful 3 year old daughter, my wife decided to have an affair with her first botfriend, you know the firts kiss and all.
It has destroyed me and everything I care for, not to mention my image of who she was and what she used to stand for.
I married her because of who she was, her moral upbringing and her christian values, along with all the other physical and emotional needs that she completed for me.
I now realize that during our relationship I acted more as a father and a mentor than a husband and a friend, (I am 45 and she is 30), but like you, we have been through a ot together and she never trusted me with her feelings of frustration and she simply decided toput up with my Love Busters and eventually her love bank was so low that she decided to confide with her secret first love(she never told anyone about their short lived relationship as teens) abd one thing led to another.
The scary thing is that I can relate to your case os much because I also had the opportunity to read her e-mails and actually only told her about my catching them about two months after I caught them.
Incredibly enough, she complained to me and to him that she felt violated because I was reading their messages as they were left on our home computer memory, can you believe that. I guess once you make the decision to toss your values and your morals, you build your own set of standards.
I am going through the same issues as you are, Can I forget and forgive the affair and rebuild our life together/
But in my case it has been a year since I discussed her affair with her and just recently found out that she opened a new secrete-mail account to stay in touch with him.... I feel she has stayed with me this entire year to try to build her case in front of friends and family (specially Mom) that it was not the affair, or even get away from anyone knowing about it ever and she can then leave me and find true "new" love with him....
I have asked her to leave the house now that we discussed that she continues to contact him and she agreed, but she has been so dependent on me that she even has her DL expired and does not have a friend in Florida were she can go to and not have to tell the truth.
Everytime we try to talk about next steps she cries and cries, but her cries sound more of her concern for her own well being than for us or our daughter.
So here I go rambling away about my own case, hope it helps to hear other cases and I must say that I feel you have gone a long way is you feel your H is showing true remorse and really wants to fall in love again.
It sounds like you guys had a good relationship and if you both find a way to fill each other emotional needs and keep the bank full you should make it.
Saludos,
Otro Tonto

Thank you believer and Otro Tonto for responding to my post so quickly. I can not even begin to express how much it means to have your support. We don't know each other or even each other's names yet I feel comfortable sharing here and the advice I've received and the stories I've read mean the world to me.

Otro Tonto, I'm so sorry to hear that your wife is still teetering. I guess that's a fear of mine also. I managed to access my husband's email account but have no idea how long he's had it or if he'll keep it. They physical affair went on for 2 months but how long did the emotional affair last? Had it not been for the instant message coming through I never would have known about it. I know the password has changed since d-day (I confronted him with the laptop in my hand and he grabbed it and immediately changed it) and since he's in the computer business I know that he would never get caught that way again. I don't think he thought I'd be looking or that I would ever figure out the password. Sometimes I think he wanted to get caught (he was not very careful...why purchase masssage oils and bath gels with a joint credit card when he could have just as easily used cash or why take candles and massage oil from our bathroom, for example) but then I wonder if it was just that he didn't care. Perhaps he just didn't care.

And yes, we were so much in love at one time. I thought we still were but were just going through one of those rough spots that every marriage has. You know, he said to me the other day, "Remember how we felt the day we got married?" The funny thing about it is that I do remember it. I was in love but so afraid because I knew that he was infatuated with me...not in a bad obsessive way but totally absorbed in loving me. I was his world and he just adored me. There was nothing that he wouldn't do for me. His love for me shined for miles. I guess I was afraid because I wasn't a strong believer in 'true love' or in the idea of 'marriage forever.' In my mind, I couldn't stop thinking of the night when I was 6. I was woken by the flashing lights of a police car and listened as the police officer warned my mother that my father's lover's husband was on his way to our house with a shotgun. He had already shot out my father's tires and pushed the car over the embankment when he found my father in bed with his wife. I lived the rest of my childhood watching my mother entertain different men (and at my last contact with my father 12 years ago he was on his third marriage). I don't know. I was young and didn't understand about relationships but it was very disturbing to me to see her date different men. She eventually remarried but I never thought (and still don't think) that they belong together. My mother wants someone to take care of her and provide financially for her. Her husband is willing to do that. He loves her but I just have no understanding of how she could be in love with him (not to say that he's a bad guy but they just don't seem to belong together).

Anyway, the ironic thing is that my husband was the one that taught me about true love. He's the one who made me believe in it. He broke through my protective wall and taught me that men can be trusted and can really love. He's the one who made me believe that 'til death do us part' was really possible...and not only possible, but the way it should be and the way it would be for us. With every obsticle that conquered I believed more and more in love and marriage. If someone had asked me a week ago what one quality I most admired in my husband I would have said his dedication to the idea of love and our marriage. 'In good times and in bad'.

What does it mean when the person who teaches you about love and who convinces you that marriage is forever decides to go outside your marriage? Can I ever believe in the concept of true love again? If there is anyone out there that can shed light on that I'd love to hear from you. Do you still believe in the love you have for your cheating spouse and do you believe in your cheating spouse's love for you?

Thanks again for the support.

Hey Confused,
It' Tonto again,
Your story is amazing and I can only feel sorry for your H when he recovers from the fog and one day reads or realizes what you are feeling today.
To have damaged and image and a set of ideals he himself worked so hard to creat.... I feel the same way as you do since I was convinced my wife had been sent to me by God himself and that I did not deserve such luck. To the point I kept telling her early on that she would be the one to make me pay for all my previous errors in relationships... Just a week ago (in her fog) she actually insinuated to me that it might have been my saying that then that made her do it...How is that for fog talk?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Regarding your belief in true love and wether you trully love him.... I believe that he will never take that away from you, you learned and lived "true love" and now that is part of your set of standards and nobody should make you doubt what you now know exists.
Follow you heart and stop looking at the world through his fog, you deserve to believe in love and in your love for him.
I know I love my CW, and I will continue to love her until it stops. And then I will take all this pain and use it to be a better person and a great father to my baby girl, as she will have to live and love in this same world and I will teach her about true love, the type I felt while living with and loving her Mom. That is the one I married and the one who gave birth to her and loved me for as long as she did.
It will be up to her Mom to teach her the weakness and the betrayel that she must beware of in life.
Take care
Tonto

One area we have in common is the working together part. My wife is trying to change carrers and yet they still talk and email and work long distance with an occasional "meeting" with others. I do not know how the hell I had the courage to let her go to a meeting two years ago when the affair was put in the open. I finaly had her write and send a letter of no contact. But hey, when they work together, that can only go so far. So now She is on a two month assignmenet that may lead to a new job. And I made the big mistake of never having told his wife. I am going to hold that over his head unless I ever find contact was made if she can get a new job. But its TOUGH, real tough. And the situation I can relate to is that they sem to have no trouble going about ther "work', while we suffer each day.