<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> for those of you who remember me. I just wanted to check back in.. It has been a year since my little life changing event took place. Hubby caught kissing sister.... anyway just wanted to stop in say hey and maybe hang out with all of you for a little while again. After a year of counseling every week at first then every 2 weeks and now about once a month now, Things are somewhat better. I think that I thought after a year it would be all but gone but it is not. For those of you who are with me it just takes time I guess. We have hit a slump at the moment. Not sure why but it just kind of hit home again here lately. Is it possible that when you hit a "bump" in the road of life that maybe flashbacks cause you to relive the past? That is where I am now. My relationship with my sister is nothing more than ok. Its hard but I force myself to try to become normal with her again. I feel like a fake at times. Hubby has tried but our relationship lost so much during that whole event. It has never returned to the same level for me. Not sure how I even feel about him.. Any suggestions??

Can you relate to the expression of the realtionship being "flat"? I feel it was at one time an outstanding marriage. Now, I feel it is just ordinary. After two plus yeras, we are doing OK, but that is about as good as I think it is going to get. For those who say these events make the relationship stronger, I think it was not to good to begin with. It just sucks.

Flat is prob a great way to describe it. My hubby was the love of my life before this. We had what I considerd a "great" marriage.. Not perfect but happy as far as I knew. It came as a shock . Out of the "blue" so to speak. He will even tell you that there was nothing wrong between the two of us. I however have to say Umm really?? you just did that because why>? Umm ok. But maybe some things just do happen because we are under the "influence" yeah umm right. Anyway. I know what ya mean and hear what you are saying,, I hope it works out for you. AS for me, well I am doing the best that I can. I live each day one day at a time. what else can you do???

ilhoo,

You're not going to like my reply I think. I once said to my husband that "if his actions didn't destroy this marriage....my reaction to it would." Somehow, I think that's where you are. That kiss has ceased to be as dangerous to your marriage as your attitude is. I sense sarcasm and a rather 'jaded' persona from you. I do not find forgiveness in your post...and that is a burden that you are carrying around. There is a great quote that someone uses around here that says "resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". You have some decisions to make about how long you want to harbor these feelings. Letting go of them has to be a concious and courageous choice, but you can jettison that baggage. How long will you pay for the sins of your H and sister? How long will you let that kiss color your world? Or be a "victim"? You will never forget this event....but forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You can rebuild your relationship with your sister and your husband....and even though you will mourn the loss of innocence you once had...you will be so much happier if you let them pay for their mistake instead of doing it for them. Though you may not bring it up....I think you are still punishing them both. That's not a good place to be and your marriage can't recovery fully in that state. I don't think you've taken too long....a year is usually around the point where you turn a corner. I'm just encouraging you to take the next step. It took me close to two years to fully recovery my marriage....and I have been where you are. Good Luck to you.

<small>[ February 16, 2004, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

llhoo -

I too sense resentment and bitterness. Not to say that these aren't natural feelings in your situation. I'm not sure I could be anything but that at your point. It takes a strong person to move on from something like this...especially invovling a trusted family member.

Might I suggest a marriage conference. web page This could really make a difference in your marriage. Also, research books on forgiveness and try to focus on letting go. Not forgetting but moving on and not letting this rule your life.

You're doing all the right things. It's tough. Working through it is never easy.

Hang in there!

A good friend told me to forgive, and if need be forgive every day. I am no expert as it has been only 8 days since I learned of my wifes A. But I went her and said "I forgive you" and the look on her face was beyond words..... I have said that many times in 8 days if only too myself, and somehow I think Ill say it a million times more.......

Hero, Star, Cliff.
First I did not dislike your reply Hero. I am ok with an Honest response. I actually appreiciate that/ I agree my reaction is probably holding back my own healing. The problem is this. When you get hurt my the person(s) you trust most in the world wow in my exprience it has been very difficult for me to TRUST anyone at all. I feel like there is something broken with me. The whole situation took something from the inside of me and its a part of me that for some reason is keeping from being able to let go and heal. yes it is torture to my self but until I can find that "healing" tool that is missing. I am stuck here in this limbo. There is so much more to it than you all know . We had a year from hell with child/stepchild issues . My H has an ex from hell who is so full of anger/ Normal marital issues are hard enough on a couple who have only been married one time but second marriages can being very challenging just having the extra dynamics of stepchildren and ex's and all that not to mention what happened. I am bitter and I am angry and I wonder if it will ever go away. I need to get back my ability to forgive I guess. I thought I did forgive him but I have never actually said it to him. Wow that sounds like it would be really difficult to say. Just thinking about it is hard enough. We have been in counseling and have played these little games that are supposed to make you "grow" back together but to me it has to come from within/ You have to have all the right components to even put it all back together and like I said . I am broken . I am missing something that I need. That is where I am. what do ya think?

oops I meant Star I did not dislike your response about my faults. got the names mixed up. Anyway another thing too, I had a very abusive mother. I grew up not knowing affection or not being able to trust. I had no one to turn to. That in itself makes me even more resentful, I am having a hard time moving forward and to think that maybe it could be because of my past would make me feel even more at fault for what happend because I cannot "fix" it. You get what I mean>? Maybe I just do not have the ability to do this. I know that what happend was in no way my fault but not being able move forward could me my fault. Does not make alot of sense but yet it does. This really sux.

ilhoo,

I understand more than you know. You don't know me...but there are many here who know my story. I came from a home that was abusive in every way. Like you have been betrayed by the ones I loved the most. So I know exactly how you feel...and how hard is to let go of that anger. But please don't get too comfortable in that nest of resentment...you don't want to live there.

You're right in a way...that there is a "place" that you must go...in your own self to find that "piece" that "switch" that you need to get past the pain of this event. My father raped me repeatedly for years...and yet now...we have healed our relationship.

May I offer a suggestion? Invite your sister to come to a session with you and the counselor (not with your H of course). There comes a time in each of the lives of us walking wounded when we must stop blaming our unhappiness on the past and make decisions about our future. We LEARN to act the way we do from our experiences....and we can learn another way.

To use an analogy....think of this way. Right now...your life is like a speeding car. You are in the driver's seat, but you're sitting backwards...watching where you have been instead of where you are going. And somehow...you don't realize that if you don't turn around...and grab that wheel you're going to run into a brick wall. You are driver of your life. If you want to be happy....stop giving your husband and your sister the POWER to destroy it by focussing your energy on things you have no hope of changing.
Turn around. Grab the wheel and decide where you want to go. Then steer the car in that direction. What would happen do yuo think if you simply stopped punnishing yourself or them for what happened? What's the worst thing that you can come up with that could happen? Deal with that...think about that.....lose your FEAR over THAT.

I will keep you in my prayers.

<small>[ February 17, 2004, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

star - "Right now...your life is like a speeding car. You are in the driver's seat, but you're sitting backwards...watching where you have been instead of where you are going. And somehow...you don't realize that if you don't turn around...and grab that wheel you're going to run into a brick wall. You are driver of your life. If you want to be happy....stop giving your husband and your sister the POWER to destroy it by focussing your energy on things you have no hope of changing."

alegna- I loved this analogy. It really spoke to me... it's exactly what I needed to hear.

Star,
I am really sorry about what happened in your past. It is really tough when the ones you trust the most hurt you as you well know. I have had my sister back into my home at least 3 times since the event happend( happend at my home ) anyway I kinda made myself invite her and the kids. It was very difficult, uncomfortable too but I think I did it for theraputic reasons. Heck I do not know. She lives in another state so counseling together really is not an option. She ended up telling her hubby because she felt bad and because I think she was afraid he would find out. ( Our kids know because H daughter was up when it happend and heard us) SOOO now he doesnt want us around much. Can't say that I blame him but see I lost out on time with my nephews for awhile too. I can see them now but if her H is around it is so awkward, He hates us now. Anyway I do like your racecar analogy. It makes sense. Just getting up the nerve to get behind that wheel seems tough. Sounds easier that it actually is. I have read many posts on here that seem like much more difficult situations than mine but yet to me mine is hard. I need to get a plan of action. Step step. Not those silly little games they give you in the marriage counseling sessions. I think it is more of an emotional issue. Anyway. What did you do?

ilhoo,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What did you do? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure if you mean what do I do? or what do I do to move past this stuff. I'm going to assume the latter. This will sound simple...as you so clearly suspect...it isn't EASY. What I do is "decide". Yes, decide/choose/opt/determine/commit to my OWN plan. Not the plan that was designed for me by the sins and failings of others. I have my own failings to consider...that's hard enough. Happiness is a choice. It doesn't happen TO you...you make it happen. Try really hard to answer that last question I gave to you. "What is the worst thing that could happen if you just gave up/jettisoned your resentment?" Let's look at that first. Examine why that makes you angry or fearful...then...we can figure out how to address it okay?

As far as what I do....I am a mother, artist, wife married 21 years. I have three children...20, 18 and 6 *blush*. I am currently completing the requirements for certification as a marriage coach for SYMC...and mentor couples in crisis as part of that. I'm a cub scout leader, I teach art to first graders, and I'm busy LOL. Aside from that....I try to live each day as though it is special and shouldn't be wasted. Sometimes I succeed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Alegna....please start a post and tell your story. Why was that a message you needed to hear? If you posted your story....may I have a link?

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>