Someone pleeeeease help me.

Today has been a really scary day. Yesterday was MC Day, walked out saying we were oficially stuck.
H says he is running out of gas because he feels he is the only one trying to pull the relationship forward and I on the other hand am stuck in trying to digest everything that has happened, why it happened? what are we going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again?...definitely not in the same page.

H said when he listened to me talk he said it couldn't be clearer that I definitely don't see us working this out. He says I have made up my mind already but because I am afraid of being alone I haven't come out and told him that I want us to separate (an divorce, of course). He says that I am just waiting for him to get tired of waiting and decide to move on on his own so that I can then tell him "you screwed up and finished it, it wasn't me". Which is not true!...I have told him many many times that I am too emotional right now to make any life changing decisions that I might regret later on.

I have told him that I am still in shock with what he did and right now I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again and more importantly I don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I also told him that if I had to make a decision right now, feeling the way I feel I would tell him that it's over!.

So, he is convinced that I have made up my mind and there is no hope. He asks for signs of hope...but I don't know what to give him...if he wants he old loving and caring wife...sorry!, that ain't happening...all I can ask is that he give me time to try to figure out if I will be able to put this behind me and move on...maybe I will, maybe I won't..some people are just not wired to overcome this kind of betrayal and I may be one of them. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

On top of that, a close friend of mine whose husband betrayed her after three years of marriage and then came back and promised to never do it again and bla bla bla (same lines my H is using now)...just left her on Monday for another woman he has been seing for a the last year and a half...and catch this...they have a four month old baby...and he walked out on her..just like that!!!...now if that is not a sign..what is??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know all the relationships are different and what happens to one person doesn't mean is going to happen to everyone but it sure makes me wonder...I have asked God to give me the strength to deal with this...to help me make up my mind about what I should do and then this happens!...I think I should pay attention.

H called, he is definitely fed up...I think when I go home tonight he is going to talk about selling the house and start to get ready...he told me over the phone that he knows he can find someone else to be happy and rebuild his life with...he is not going to spend his life crying over a mistake that he made (and claims to have learned his lesson from). He needs to move on.

If he asks for a divorce, I can't say no...I don't have the heart to tell him I want him to stay...not he is tired of trying and not when I don't know if I will want to be with him...it's not fair. Maybe it's better if we just moved on our separate ways...life is too short. We have only been together 9 years so that is not too bad compared to other people who have thrown their whole lives away...

Well, pray for me, tonight is going to be one of those endless sleepless nights...

Sorry for rambling...there is no one here to talk to...

Feeling.... so sorry to hear you are having such a bad day.

I'm not sure if this is your first post, or what, but if so, you need to familiarize yourself with the Marriage Builder's site, and read Surviving an Affair.

There are ways to handle all of these things, and there are some very qualified people here to give you good, solid advice.

But you cannot "go in to battle unarmed". This site and Dr. Hurley's philosophy towards saving a marriage will give you a specific plan to work from, and show you how to handle yourself, and minimize the mistakes you will make without a plan.

Please, for your own sake, look into this site.

Good luck...

Originally posted by Feeling very sad:
H says he is running out of gas because he feels he is the only one trying to pull the relationship forward and I on the other hand am stuck in trying to digest everything that has happened, why it happened? what are we going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again?...definitely not in the same page.

This takes at least 2 years to work through.

H said when he listened to me talk he said it couldn't be clearer that I definitely don't see us working this out.

What specifically did you say that gave him that impression? Make him commit to the exact sentence you said that makes him believe this. Often there are mis-interpretations going on, assumptions made ....

He says I have made up my mind already but because I am afraid of being alone I haven't come out and told him that I want us to separate (an divorce, of course). He says that I am just waiting for him to get tired of waiting and decide to move on on his own so that I can then tell him "you screwed up and finished it, it wasn't me". Which is not true!...

Well, if it's not true, then discount your H's opinion of what he thinks you want.

I have told him many many times that I am too emotional right now to make any life changing decisions that I might regret later on.

You are telling your H clearly and calmly that you need more time. Right? G~ooooo~D!


I have told him that I am still in shock with what he did and right now I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again and more importantly I don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I also told him that if I had to make a decision right now, feeling the way I feel I would tell him that it's over!.

Why do you think he is pushing you for a decision right away?


So, he is convinced that I have made up my mind and there is no hope. He asks for signs of hope...but I don't know what to give him...

[b\]Here is a sign of hope. You haven't left him. You haven't filed for a separation or other legal ways to end your marriage .... AND you are willing to go talk this out with therapy to see where it goes.[/b]

if he wants he old loving and caring wife...sorry!, that ain't happening...all I can ask is that he give me time to try to figure out if I will be able to put this behind me and move on...maybe I will, maybe I won't..some people are just not wired to overcome this kind of betrayal and I may be one of them.

You need a reasonable amount of time. And, looking back through your past posts, you found out early December 2003, correct?


I have asked God to give me the strength to deal with this...to help me make up my mind about what I should do and then this happens!...I think I should pay attention.

You don't need to rush into a decision because your H is uncomfortable with your ambivilance. Thank him for his patience.... even when he doesn't sound patient, thank him anyway

H called, he is definitely fed up...I think when I go home tonight he is going to talk about selling the house and start to get ready...he told me over the phone that he knows he can find someone else to be happy and rebuild his life with...he is not going to spend his life crying over a mistake that he made (and claims to have learned his lesson from). He needs to move on.

Pretty harsh remark for a loving husband to say just 2 or 3 months after D-day.

If he asks for a divorce, I can't say no...

You don't have to say yes either. You can drag your feet if you want to.

I don't have the heart to tell him I want him to stay...not he is tired of trying and not when I don't know if I will want to be with him...it's not fair. Maybe it's better if we just moved on our separate ways...life is too short. We have only been together 9 years so that is not too bad compared to other people who have thrown their whole lives away...

What you just said, about 9 years, is really dumb. It's about your vows and your commitment .... and if you were married 18 years, would you stay?

I went back and read some of your old posts, but not all of them. I was wondering...

Did your H ever agree to make his life an open book for you? Phone records, email passwords, etc?

If he did not, and insists on his right to privacy, I think he's not ended his secret life 100%.

I feel (perhaps) he's trying to goad you into kicking him out.

Pep

Thanks for your replies.

Shattered Dreams, thanks for your good wishes..and yes, I have read into the site... a lot!...bought all the books, you name it, I got it. I keep reading them though, everychance I get to try to remind myself of the steps to follow. It's just getting to be too overwhelming for me.

Pep, I know it takes time and he does too...I just don't think he is willing to stick around and wait for me that long. What I said? Oh God, I said so many things...it was probably when I said I didn't know whether or not I would be able to recover from this...he never said specifically.
I have told me MANY times VERY CALMY that I need time.

NO, he never gave me his cell phone or his e-mail password. He said whenever I showed signs of improvement (some sign of feeling better or wanting to work things out) he would share those with me. "You give me something and I'll give you something"..that's what he said.

I don't want to kick him out...I am not ready to MAKE A DECISION!!

Last night was awful, I got home and he was sleeping in the guest bedroom...I knocked and opened the door and asked him why he was sleeping there he said he wanted to sleep there tonight, I asked him to come to bed with me and he said no...
got up this morning said hello, I already walked the dogs and started the cars so you don't have to do that...he went into the shower, dressed up and when we were heading out the door (all the while I am crying histerically!) I leaned toward him to kiss him and he turned his face and gave me a kiss in the chick and a hug and said have good day. I walked out...crying...got in the car..crying like a crazy person...he walked out, saw me histerically crying just sitting there in my car....got in his car and drove away...

This is the first time since I can recall that my husband has avoided a kiss from me...I think he is trying to tell me something. Perhaps he already made up his mind...I have a feeling this is not going to be a nice weekend.

Thanks for your support. Insights anyone?

feelingverysad-

This can be a great weekend for you. Although you have read a lot, you need to read some more. Go to the home page here and on the right are the "quick click" links. Read the ones about how the affair should end, restoration of marriage, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation.

In reading your posts I had a flashback to the stories that Dr. Harley gives as examples. They were exactly like yours. You both have your taker out right now. He will explain how to start overcoming this.

He is saying one thing, and going back to his original decision. When my husband wanted me to quicky forgive what he did... I told him it will take me time to trust him and for him to get my forgiveness... Anyways I think if you saw my poast what hell this was and sometime still is. We went through aweful days....sometimes when one of us wanted to make the other feel happy one person was not responding.. and when I was..he was not doing anything.. or when he was.. I was too hurt to make it happen. I started reading.. and beleiver was telling me.. even if it feels the opposite.. just do it.

Through touch, intimacy.. we can accomplish so much.. you can make your love relive. Even you know.. when you don't feel like really hugging him or kissing him.. Just be supportive.. it will be come second nature. One thing though, I am still not sure if my marriage will work, because each day I have my doubts about him doing it again. Even his mother is telling me "HE WON"T DO IT AGAIN".. like she wants to promise me it won't happend.

My husband wanted to be honest.. he told me he brought this upon himself, he did everything to get this girl to like him...he lied to her.. She doesn't even know his last name. That is after we started talking.. on the first week, he told me he couldn't choose between the two of us HA HA HA .. but that changed really fast when I said. "OK, that's fine." Then he wanted me to stay.. then the next day he said that "you willnever trust me again.. how can I look at you in the eyes? I know what you think of me.. you think I'm a cheater, a liar.." I looked at him and said.. "Yes, that is what I think, but I also love you in the same breath.. it would hurt less if I didn't love you."

So do not give up yet... YOu can make it. YOu have to make him feel secure. It seems like you do not know what you want to do yet. I have been married for 3 years and half.. I could say it was not worthit, but there are vital things that my husband and I have that I still beleive we can make it.

YOu may not have trust in your couplehood at this moment, but if you want it to work, you can. There is still love in this relationship.

And you see.. If you didnt look at my other posts.. I'm doing fine right now.. there are down days.. not with him. It's like we're working harder and appreciating one another more now. Really...

HUGS*

Originally posted by Feeling very sad:

I just don't think he is willing to stick around and wait for me that long.

And why is that? Any idea of what is making him soooo uncomfortable that he cannot stand to be in his own skin?

Here's what I think.

He cannot commit to you because he's lost to himself.

Someone who doesn't know who they are ... cannot commit.

His anxiety about commitment comes from wanting to feel good about himself based on a reflected sense of self. This means, if you look at him with dis-trust .... this isn't just your opinion, your opinion actually creates his character. He is who you think he is (untrustworthy) .... instead of being who he is (untrustworthy).... He pushes his negative feelings about himself onto you, and therefore side-steps responsibility to clean up his own mess.

See what I mean?

He is intolerant to his anxiety about what you think of him as a man. He has a mistaken idea that he assumes YOU are the source of his misery and self-anxiety.

He is miserable because he is miserable with himself.

The more drama that encircles your relationship, the higher his anxiety shoots.

His wife is unhappy, therefore he made her unhappy, therefore he cannot stay with an unhappy wife, he'll only stay if his wife wears a "happy mask" which would relieve his anxiety of "Who am I? I cannot be a man who made his wife so unhappy."


NO, he never gave me his cell phone or his e-mail password. He said whenever I showed signs of improvement (some sign of feeling better or wanting to work things out) he would share those with me. "You give me something and I'll give you something"..that's what he said.

I think he's not done with his affair. He's hiding something. He might be one of those who says to the OW, "I'm going to work on my marriage for 2 months, and when it doesn't work out, we can be together."

sorry

I don't want to kick him out...I am not ready to MAKE A DECISION!!

And he's not ready to make a decision either!

Stalemate....

Last night was awful, I got home and he was sleeping in the guest bedroom...I knocked and opened the door and asked him why he was sleeping there he said he wanted to sleep there tonight, I asked him to come to bed with me and he said no...
got up this morning said hello, I already walked the dogs and started the cars so you don't have to do that...he went into the shower, dressed up and when we were heading out the door (all the while I am crying histerically!) I leaned toward him to kiss him and he turned his face and gave me a kiss in the chick and a hug and said have good day. I walked out...crying...got in the car..crying like a crazy person...he walked out, saw me histerically crying just sitting there in my car....got in his car and drove away...

This is the drama he's trying to create, so he can feel OK about leaving the marriage.

The more you control yourself, your reactive emotions, the more you can observe his non-drama behavior.

If you continue doing what you are doing .... he's gonna leave .... and say it's all your fault!

This is the first time since I can recall that my husband has avoided a kiss from me...I think he is trying to tell me something. Perhaps he already made up his mind...I have a feeling this is not going to be a nice weekend.

Change your responses....

no drama

calm and cool

pretty and kind

throw him a curve ball....

and see what happends

Pep

Harudah, Pep...thanks for you comments.

The last couple of days (except for Monday) have been pretty reasonable.

I have followed your advice Pep...I am trying to control myself (no LB, no crying, at least in front of him...cool and calmed). He seems to do a lot better when I am like that.

What really bothers me is that he likes it so much that he feels like everything is ok and nothing has happened when quite honestly I feel like I am dying inside, and he just doesn't want to deal with me because all I want to about is his affair and it is too embarassing and plus it's over with!...he is a new man, he is doing everything he can to make ammends.

And it's true, he is being really good to me, very devoted...loving and caring, saying all the right things...except he wont tell me the things I want to know about his relationship with the OW.

Anyhow, still don't have a password for his computer...although I really don't think that he is talking to her or seeing her or anything like that...I really believe he is telling the truth...I hope I don't get bit by my naivity again.

I still have thoughts about talking to the OW...lately I have taken up writing e-mails to her (which I never send)...I threaten to let everyone in her work know what happened if I ever see her near my husband again...I tell her what a lousy human being she is, selfish, low live..etc..you get the point. I never send them becuase I really don't want to destroy her life, there is no need for that, since the relationship is over. I think...I hope...

Have any of you heard about Retrouvaille?...a friend of mind attended the program sometime ago and she highly recommended it. Husband and I are planning on attending the next session on March 19 (if we are still together by then). Hopefully that will help. We are just really lousy at communicating...

Well, I will keep you posted on my progress...thanks again for all the great feedback and support.