My husband and I have been married for 24 years. My husband is a very friendly outgoing person; these are traits that I love in him. However he also like to flirt, he will and has admitted to crossing the line at times. (saying very inappropriate things and then explaining to me I was just kidding). Anyway, my husband did have an affair with a friend of mine ( after some hot and heavy flirting). It happend around 16 years ago, she confesssed to me about the one night fling. I never told my husband I knew, but just put it out of my mind and tried to go on. approx. 2 years ago I suspected he was having another affair, but had no solid evidence, so I just moved on. Several weeks ago I became aware of a co-worker that he had become very close with. I findly confronted him and told him about what I knew. After much denial and talking he confessed to the first affair ( with my friend) and to the second one that I suspected, but that the current situation with a co-worker has not been an affair, but some heavy flirting and she did kiss him once but he walked away and has been cooling it with her. He says he has told me everyting about his affairs and flirting, we have been talking for the last week about everything, the second affair happened at work twice, that it was an old girl friend, that it was a old love and he is deeply sorry and ashamed. I told him I did not know if I could continue to stay in the marriage, that I don't think I could trust him again, but he wants to continue to work on the marriage, I asked him to end the friendship with the co-worker. He agreed that no more contact except to say hi in passing. He states that he has no contact with the old girlfrind except in passing ( they also work at the same place, but it is a large company) I asked him on Wedensday if he has told the old girlfriend that I know about the past affair ( happed 2 years ago) he stated I will tell her if you want me to, I'll have to find out her phone # at work- I said no I was asking if you had told her, I would rather she not know that I know. He said ok. Well that was on Weds. I just found out he had already called her on Tuesday, to let her know that I knew. I had told my husband he needed to promise me he would be truthful about everyting for us to continue our marriage, he stated he would, but then lied about letting her know that I knew. He says he told her just in case I came to talk to her she would be up to speed. I told him I really didn't mind that he had already told her before I asked him not to, but I was mad because he lied to me about it. I told him that I was beging to think he really was ready to change and that we could move on, but now I don't know. I feel like he felt he had to protect her and let her know I knew but did not feel any need to share the truth with me which shows me where is loyality is. Am I wrong to think that after all we went through the last week that if he can still lie to me there is nothing left to work with? I love my husband and he says he loves me more than anything and will do anything to save our marriage. I just feel numb, I dont know what to do.

The first thing to do if you have not allready is to read all you can on this site and get a copy of Surviving an Affair. Let him read it also. Lies are like snowballs going down hill they only get bigger and harder to hide. They may start out with lies to keep from hurting thier spouse but soon can get out of control.

Forget about trust for now and focus on honesty. Let him know he must be accountable for his time and who he talks to. Do you have access to his phone bills and computer? Be a snoop. Let him know his flirtting should be for you alone. Ask him how he would feel if you flirted with different men you meet? This is a dangerous thing that sends the wrong signals. This is just my opinion but once trust is broken complete honesty must be the rule.