Below is a letter I'm hoping will make it to Dr. Harley. Please anyone out there with any advice or insight, I'm open to it. Thank you!!!

Dear Dr. Harley,
I know that you receive probably a billion letters per week but I’m praying that you will be able to read this one soon. Forgive me for its length, but I am desperate for guidance and am so conflicted. Maybe I should start with my questions: 1) How do you know when your husband’s unfaithful behavior is more than a result of unmet needs and perhaps partially due to a sexual addiction? 2) Am I wrong to implement plans A (and possibly B) and ask my husband to commit to trying marital recovery if I am unsure about whether or not I even want to reconcile? I have read your infidelity focused material available on the website. I’m struggling with what to do with my marriage and essentially my life.
Okay, here’s my story – my marriage was a disaster from the beginning. I have known my husband since we were children, although we lived in different states. We belong to the same church organization so we would see each other at conventions and camp meetings. Eventually, we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend – although we were still in different states attending college. During our courtship, we discussed his past sexual history and I found that he had had sex with several – and I mean several – women. He and I were engaged and proceeded to make plans for the wedding. The week of the wedding I was given devastating news – my fiancé had slept with one of his former sexual partners three months before. The partner was in love with my husband (so I was told by a friend). This revelation was made to my family by a third party – not my fiancé or the other woman. When confronted by others, my fiancé called and said we needed to talk. Well, I could tell something was wrong so I demanded to know what was going on right then and there, and he confessed to what had happened – sort of. His story was that he and this person were former sex partners and while attending a workshop together off campus at a hotel, they ended up in together and had sex. However, according to him, in the process, he was overcome with guilt and stopped in the middle of the act. She then became upset and told their pastor everything (did I mention this was a Christian college they were attending?). Anyway, the pastor shared it with the revealing third party who then went to my parents and told them everything.
Well, long story short, I believed my fiancé and agreed to marry him anyway. I know now that my decision was based on 3 things: 1) I loved him, 2) It was the week of the wedding – everything was paid for, invitations had been received, etc. and 3) I was a virgin (at 24) and had no clue what a sexual encounter was about or how incredibly intimate it is. We married and he relocated to my home state.
As time passed and I began making love to my husband, I then realized – oh my goodness, this is what he did with her? Needless to say, it was very painful. So already trust was a major issue for me and I became a “grudge holder”. Ultimately, other incidents happened that were questionable – I was so naïve! The first being the interception of an email from a co-worker, a fellow teacher in the school where my husband taught. The email made it evident that something was going on between them. When confronted, he said that because things were so bad between us (he said he had even thought about suicide) that he began talking with her. One thing led to another and according to him, they kissed – and that was all. Wanting desperately to believe him (at this point we now had two children), I asked him to swear on a Bible that that was all that happened – I didn’t know what else to do to get myself to believe that he was telling the truth. Surely, because he had grown up in a Christian home, he would NEVER lie on the Bible!
So more time passes and here comes another incident with a parent at the same school. This involved a suspicious note that was found by the parent’s husband who then attempted to confront my husband. This resulted in his request to have a meeting with him, his wife, me, my husband and the school principle. How humiliating! Both my husband and the parent said nothing was going on. Again, I wanted to believe my husband, so I literally defended him and pretty much made it sound as though I believed that the other husband had issues and was overreacting. I sometimes wonder if he and his wife are still together. To this day my husband says nothing happened between them. Only that she would talk with him about her marital problems and that was the extent of it – what a recipe for disaster! I honestly believe that it would have been just a matter of time before it did become sexual. Shortly thereafter, he left that school and transferred to another in a different city.
Anyway, here I am a couple of years later (now 9 years into the marriage with a 5 year old son and 6 year old daughter) and again I’m being confronted with infidelity. Before any of the most recent indecencies were revealed, our marriage was pretty bad. I suggested marriage counseling. Ultimately, it became evident that my husband was apprehensive about going. He finally explained that he thought he was depressed and wanted to get help for it before seeing a marriage counselor. I spoke with a marriage counselor who said we could do both simultaneously. My husband didn’t agree. Fine. I thought, well, I’ll go see a therapist on my own to help with my stress and depression behind the marital situation – and maybe if he sees me going, he will go get help for his depression. My therapist said that perhaps my husband was right and should get help for his depression before we saw a marriage counselor. Well, it became evident that he was in no hurry to get help for his depression, which, in my eyes, meant marriage counseling was on hold indefinitely. I got in my car one morning to find a note that said he had finally contacted a physician but he still didn’t think marriage counseling would help and that we needed to think of other alternatives. He said he felt like my roommate instead of my husband. Well, what other alternatives are there besides separation and divorce?– which I asked him. He said we needed to separate – that it was only temporary and he just needed to work through some things. Oddly enough, he suggested separating in the morning and later that afternoon changed his mind and said he was not leaving. At that point I thought – okay, he can’t bounce me around like that, so I told him no, he needed to follow his original plan and leave. So now we are separated and have been for three months. After the separation, he decided to see a therapist for his depression and said that he did, indeed, wanted to see a marriage counselor. We had one visit with the counselor, which went well. Soon thereafter, however, I got suspicious and decided to search cell phone records and found suspicious numbers. Long story short – my husband ultimately confessed to a year-long affair with another co-worker, as well as to having had a two year sexual relationship years earlier with the first school co-worker I told you about earlier – the one he swore on the Bible he only kissed! He said he admitted to it because it was eating away at him and destroying him – I thought he confessed because he got caught. However, true enough, he didn’t have to confess about the sexual affair years earlier but he did anyway. As I mentioned, he had talked before about being depressed and suicidal. Well, a few days later, I pressed further because the current affair only explained away a couple of the suspicious phone numbers on the cell phone bill. He confessed to having slept with two other women during the same time period that he was having the latest affair with the co-worker. It appears that these relationships were purely sexual (having slept with one three times and the other, two times). However, the affair with the second co-worker was an all out relationship – they were emotionally attached. She was in love with him although he says he was not in love with her. He said he told her he cared about her romantically but he never told her he loved her. He said he loves me and I’m the only one he wants. Well, of course, I was angry and hurt. I called and left a message for the co-worker letting her know that she and I were not the only women he was sleeping with and that it would be a good idea for her to get tested for any venereal diseases, HIV, etc. (which I had already done – thank God everything came back negative). Although the call may have sounded as though I gave a flying hoot about her health, my main objective was to hurt her – lest she thought she was really special to my husband. Well, it worked. She had the audacity to tell my husband that she was hurt and upset for cheating on her! My view at the time was, yes – I’m glad you’re hurting but how dare you! Now maybe you will know what this pain feels like. How could he be cheating on her? He was not in a covenant relationship with her and therefore didn’t owe her a thing! The truth is that no matter how badly I want the two of them to hurt, neither she nor he can experience what I’m feeling.
Well, after the revelation of the most recent affair and the previous two-year sexual relationship, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce – for which I have already had papers served. Oddly enough, we are still seeing a marriage counselor. Our intent was to shift the focus of the counseling sessions to dissolving the marriage and least negatively affecting our children in the process. However, the focus of our meetings have somehow shifted back to our relationship as we realize there is still much to “iron out”. We are currently taking a break from seeing the marriage counselor for a month or so, so that we can work on ourselves individually. We are both seeing separate therapists to help with the depression/stress, etc. I am currently taking Zoloft.
I recently got angry with my husband because I found that he was still calling the woman with whom he had the recent affair as well as one of the sex fling partners. He said that I had made it clear that I didn’t want anything to do with him and that I didn’t want to reconcile. But he also said that he was not doing anything wrong – he is celibate now and has asked God to forgive him for what he has done. He said I can’t keep throwing his sins back in his face. He went on to say that his calls to the other woman were innocent and that they only talked about general things, i.e., work. He said that he only talked to one of the other sex partners because she kept calling him and he called her back to say it was over, that he was wrong, wanted to mend his relationship with his wife and that he was sorry. I told him he didn’t owe her that but he felt he needed to apologize. I explained to him, that in regard to the “affair woman”, he shouldn’t be talking to her about anything. He said he truly thought it was innocent and because he knew it was over, he didn’t see the wrong in still talking with her. However, he agreed to stop calling her. I told him that he should pray for discernment because if he truly cannot see the harm in continuing to talk with her, then that’s scary! He said when he mentioned to his buddies that I was upset and why, they told him that they understood why I would be upset! He says he has stopped calling her. However, they still work in the same building. It’s also possible that he sees the other two “sex fling” women, as they are also school affiliated.
The one thing that I forgot to mention that is probably central to all my confusion is that I honestly believe that a divorce may be the only thing to save my marriage. Does that sound crazy? I feel like I have been an enabler over the years – being naïve, somewhat believing his explanations for indecencies and allowing him to get away with them. I have become a different person over the years. I have been mean and suspicious. He has even said I’ve been mean for nine years – I was never that way before we got married. I just feel like I was never given a chance to really trust him—he would do something wrong, apologize, I would stew for awhile and then we would move on – without me ever actually letting go of whatever he had done – which caused me to have mood swings. I was nice one moment and hateful the next. I’m afraid that if I halt the divorce proceedings and say I want to reconcile, he/we will slip back into the old patterns. I feel like he needs to hit “rock bottom” and realize what he’s lost – what he’s jeopardized so that maybe he can get his act together. I thought I had come to a reasonable decision but I’m so confused! I had decided to move on with my life and if down the road he is able to prove that he is willing and ready to be a good husband and father, and I am open and available at that time to entertain reconciliation, then perhaps we can try. But in reading your material, it sounds like he and I need to be together for him to be able to prove he is ready (i.e., marital recovery). I don’t think that I am ready to live with him again. Can he begin doing things to prove himself without us being together? Am I wrong to expect that of him if I’m not ready for Marital Recovery yet? Am I wrong to want compensation when I’m not even sure I want to reconcile? Am I wrong to want compensation while moving forward with the divorce? He says he wants me back and has requested a transfer to a different school. He says he loves me, he doesn’t want to be with her and he wants a fresh start for us. What in the world am I supposed to do with all this? Not to mention the pain, grief and anger being experienced by our families. Even if we reconciled, I don’t know if he and my family would ever fully reconcile. The fact that our marriage is dying due to infidelity is not a secret to or families, friends or our church family. I hurt so much right now – for me and for our children. My son and daughter miss their father very much. As much as he failed to be a faithful husband, he had a great relationship with our children.
To top all of this off, remember the situation that occurred just prior to the wedding? Well, in our conversations about all of this, I asked about that situation as well – even though I had pretty much let it go and didn’t even really think about it anymore. He couldn’t even remember the story he had conjured up to tell me about what had happened – so that was all a lie, too.
I know that this has been an extremely long letter but I need help desperately and I’ve poured out my heart in hopes of finding guidance. My father is a pastor and facilitates a couples’ ministry at our church. I think my dad is the greatest (but he’s too close to this situation to be objective). He trusts your views and insight, so I do too. Last year, the couples group studied His Needs/Her Needs. Without me knowing it, my husband was too far immersed in sin and our marriage was too rocky for us to really apply any of the principles. Please don’t get me wrong; I was not the perfect wife. I’m sure that I was not meeting his emotional needs. I also realize that given the right (or wrong, I should say) circumstances, I could have fallen into the clutches of an affair. Luckily, the opportunity never presented itself. Am I possibly dealing with more than my and my husband’s failure at meeting each other’s emotional needs, or is he struggling with a sexual addiction also? Please help. Any insight you could provide would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Dearest Blue,

Welcome to the forum. I wish that this letter would reach the Harleys....but the Harleys do not post on the forum. The forum is a place where other people who are studying these concepts and have been through these experiences...can help the folks who are still struggling. You can contact the Harleys by using the number on the home site.

Now...about your post. There is not a much stronger advocate on these boards for marriage than I am...even so...I am greatly troubled about the state of your marriage. I won't label your husband a sexual addict at this point...I'm not qualified to do that. But he is a serial cheater. Men or women who repeatedly give in to their lust and desire....and set up this destructive pattern are certainly more dangerous and harder to trust. In spite of his honesty now...the events you must forgive must seem pretty overwhelming! I cannot in good faith ask you to continue to put yourself at risk emotionally and physically when he is still contacting past affair partners and needs his co-workers to explain why this is wrong. I refrain from ever advising divorce...but for you...I would certainly go STRAIGHT to Plan B and have no contact with him AT ALL until he could complete the following conditions:

Stop all contact with all affair partners.

Be evaluated and treated for Sexual Addiction.

Get an "accountability partner" to help him resist his sexual urges.

Show complete accountability for time, money and open his life to your scrutiny.

Write no contact letters to all past partners.

Change his cell phone and other numbers.

Close his email account.

Give notice at his job for the end of the semester...you must see a copy of his notice and transfer request....and actively look for a position where he could leave even earlier.

Commit to counseling...marital, individual and sexual. It is possible to combine these sometimes with the right counselor.

I am so sorry for all of you pain. I hope you come back and find this post. If you need me, I spend more time on the EN board.

Starfish -
Thank you so much for your reponse. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my long letter. Could there be hope for my marriage? Part of me really hopes that there is while another part of me questions it all. Again, thank you for welcoming me and providing your insight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> Dearest Blue,

Welcome to the forum. I wish that this letter would reach the Harleys....but the Harleys do not post on the forum. The forum is a place where other people who are studying these concepts and have been through these experiences...can help the folks who are still struggling. You can contact the Harleys by using the number on the home site.

Now...about your post. There is not a much stronger advocate on these boards for marriage than I am...even so...I am greatly troubled about the state of your marriage. I won't label your husband a sexual addict at this point...I'm not qualified to do that. But he is a serial cheater. Men or women who repeatedly give in to their lust and desire....and set up this destructive pattern are certainly more dangerous and harder to trust. In spite of his honesty now...the events you must forgive must seem pretty overwhelming! I cannot in good faith ask you to continue to put yourself at risk emotionally and physically when he is still contacting past affair partners and needs his co-workers to explain why this is wrong. I refrain from ever advising divorce...but for you...I would certainly go STRAIGHT to Plan B and have no contact with him AT ALL until he could complete the following conditions:

Stop all contact with all affair partners.

Be evaluated and treated for Sexual Addiction.

Get an "accountability partner" to help him resist his sexual urges.

Show complete accountability for time, money and open his life to your scrutiny.

Write no contact letters to all past partners.

Change his cell phone and other numbers.

Close his email account.

Give notice at his job for the end of the semester...you must see a copy of his notice and transfer request....and actively look for a position where he could leave even earlier.

Commit to counseling...marital, individual and sexual. It is possible to combine these sometimes with the right counselor.

I am so sorry for all of you pain. I hope you come back and find this post. If you need me, I spend more time on the EN board. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Blue,

There is always hope. I have seen some awful marriages reach recovery....but in those rare cases when things are this bad...it requires a real commitment to turn things around. If you're asking if you alone can save this marriage....no. You CAN do some things to encourage him to get on board...but unless he does...you are at risk for repeated behavior from him. This kind of behavior is emotionally abusive...and that's why, for your own protection...I would like to see you take a higher risk approach that ensures that he is willing to all that is necessary before you are willing to work on the marriage. See here's the thing. He's cheated on you multiple times...and who is here looking for ways to rebuild the marriage? Him? Of course not. He needs friends to explain what's wrong. You are here...the injured party and he should be begging you to take him back...not calling these other women. I am frankly frightened for you...because he is really outta control. I don't want you to lose hope...but unless he gets the right help...this is a toxic relationship for you. You are going to have to set some very clear marital and emotional boundaries...and stick to them. If not, he may just continue to feel "entitled" to do what he wants to. Do you know anything about narcissists? Pull it up on google and read about it and tell me if your husband has those kind of tendencies...things like he thinks the rules don't really apply to him. This is serious chere. As you can tell...I've been here a while, and even so...I find his actions shocking.

Hi Again:),
Thank you. See, that's the thing -- he seems to be making an effort. But I've seen that before. He has asked for a transfer, he has changed his cell number and claims he is celibate. I know that there is much, much, much more he needs to do to prove himself worthy of another chance. I believe 100% in Plan B and I'm not afraid to implement that. He says he does not want a divorce and that he belongs with me. I honestly think that if I implement Plan B he will do what is necessary. My fear is that if he thinks there is a flicker of hope, will his efforts be sincere or will he be going through the motions just to get back in my good graces? However, I know that the work he needs to do is beyond intense -- if he follows through and does all of the things I require, is it, more than likely, safe to assume that he is sincere? I believe he really wants to change. I am in therapy, he's in therapy and we both see a marriage counselor together. I just want him to get to the root of his problem. By the way -- I've thought about the possibility that he is narcissistic (did I spell that right?). If so, is that something he can work through? I'm so hurt and I guess I just wish I could land on a decision -- to either give up, or try to work it out. I hate that my family is apart. Thanks again!

Blue,

I hope you are wrong about the narcissism...but we'll leave those kinds of determinations to his counselor. But if that's the case...I would not in good conscience want you near him. Having "tendencies" not make him a narcissisist...we all have some...but if he is a true narcissist...you want to run.

Blue...it sounds like you are getting good help and I think that's truly wonderful that you are both in counseling. You are paying the experts...so let them help guide you and give you feedback about your chances for success and what is both right for you and right for the marriage. The folks here are no experts....so please remember that you the advice is free...and you get what you pay for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

((((((((((Blue)))))))))))hang in there and see what progress you make with the counselling.