I am not certain where I should post. Please make allowances for me for being new. Here is the story. I am in a ten year monogamous relationship that I consider a marriage. I am a gay woman. (I do not intend to offend anyone, I simply can't change the pronouns.) My significant other and I have been through h_ll the last two years. She is not working,and wants to change careers, I am carrying all the financial responsibility as well as household responsibilities, we haven't made love in years. The last month she has been desperately depressed, and the last week or so she told me that she is looking for "the love she never got from her mother" and that I no longer am attractive to her because I am the critical parent. (I am at my wit's end and we do argue constantly, negotiate poorly, and both feel resentful.) Lots of junk to sort through. We had been in therapy for years in the beginning of the relationship, but after her therapist retired, did not continue. My SO just told me this weekend that she now is considering having an affair so that she will feel that she is important -- rescuing a helpless damsel -- and passionate -- which I do not "trigger" in her anymore. She has not (so far as I know, and we are talking very painfully and honestly)actually initiated the affair, but she does have a specific person in mind. Today I told her in an email that I do love her, I will help in any way, but I cannot allow her to replace me emotionally and sexually with someone else. She agreed to go to therapy with me, which I am relieved about although we do not have a therapist so we will have to find a good one who can understand our relationship. She says she loves me and never meant to hurt me, but she spends all day, every day on the internet, and she is obsessed with her feeling of wanting some kind of idealized love, passion, that I do not inspire in her. I feel like I have been kicked in the gut, very cold and scared, mad and its taking everything to remain rational. I was encouraged by her response to my request, however, I believe she is depressed and has been for a long time. (Of course, now I am also very depressed -- when I am not teary, homicidal, or feeling suicidal.) I am also a recovering alcoholic, and I am committed to staying sober, regardless of what I go through. So, as far as I know, the affair hasn't happened YET (and she is saying it doesn't have everything to do with me) but we are sure in danger. I am trying to not hurt myself even though I feel hurt, and to do the things that might help. I guess you could say that this is the first day since I really realized that she might choose to act on her feelings, about a month that her behavior has been very emotional, and years that I have felt that I was giving without getting much in return. I appreciate this site and have read a lot of it. Any feedback on where I am at would help me feel less isolated.
