Amy,

Thanks for the post. Maybe I will make the dinner he likes and ask him to stay. Last time he left I made lasagna and he stayed and then a few days later he came home for about 6 weeks. I am hoping that he will get out of the fog sooner than later. I am a very impatient person. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting the H that they have become. I can't stand the H mine is right now. He even looks terrible. Won't even look me in the eye. He hugged my daughter the other day and she said Hi and his eyes filled up with tears. I told him last time we talked that he owed her some sort of explanation for his leaving. That she is after all a child and she deserves at least that much. He agreed. I asked him how he felt the other day and he said "lost" and he said I take it one day at a time, and that is what you should do too. So I guess that is what I am doing. I have really screwed things up though. I wish I knew about all of this before I told him he could never come back if he left. It probably ran him straight into her arms. I hope he took the letter that I wrote him seriously when I told him that I was going about this the wrong way that as long as we were married and we had a son there would always be room for reconciliation. That I loved him very much and that his family would always be waiting for him here at the house when he decided to come home. I even told him that I would leave the outside light on for him and his side of the bed would be empty. I hope he really took all of that seriously. Do all your friends and family think you are nuts like mine do? My mom says who would want someone that would do that to you? Of course she hasn't spend 10 years of her life with him or had a baby with him either. I miss everything about him from his smell to his snoring. Pretty sad huh? I would rather move on that live with the WH he has become now though. Thanks for listening and posting back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think dinner is a good place for you to start. It sounds like your lasagna has magical qualities! Maybe you could freeze some and send it over here! You would be very popular on this site!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

It is so weird, because my WH says he feels lost, and cries sometimes spontaneously like that. They are definately lost in the fog.

Yes, my family thinks I am nuts. My friends, not so much. They know me, and I have explained where I am coming from, and they support me 100%. I have the greatest friends in the world. They truly love and respect me. Somehow, that has grounded me and given me back the self esteem I felt I lost when this happened. You know, OW was my "best friend." That hurts, to be betrayed by the 2 closest people to you.

But I now realize she was never a true friend. She has no other girlfriends. Now I know why. I am a good person. I have great qualities that so many others see in me. Even though WH blames me for so much, I know it is fog speak. Because if I was a bad person, I wouldn't be loved by so many other people. Does that make sense? I sure have asked that question a lot today.

Anyway, we know what we are doing and why, and that is all that matters. Stay strong and keep me posted on dinner! I am going to post on my own thread now before bed about WH lingering again tonight after I got home from yoga, and what it could mean!

Chat at you in the morning!

Love, Amy

Hi Amy,

I don't know about dinner yet. Believer said back off from the dinner thing. I will have to think about it. Everything you said makes sense. I am trying my best to get through each and everyday one at a time. Every morning when I wake up I am hoping that he will have returned during the middle of the night. I am praying and I will pray for you too. Thanks for all your support and keep posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Listen to Believer! She knows 1000 times more than I do! A lot of this stuff that we should do doesn't make sense to us now. Don't do what I suggest just because it makes sense. Do you know what I mean?

Everything I have done that has been successful has gone against my nature, against my grain. If Believer says it might not be a good idea, she has very good reasons for that. I am just bouncing ideas off of you. She has much experience and wisdom, and is very familiar with MB strategies.

Definately keep praying. The first Sunday after D-Day, I was not on meds or anything (and wasn't eating, sleeping, functioning), and I was a WRECK! I went to church, and started crying in the car before we even got to church. I dropped the boys off at the youth ministry, and went downstairs for my service. Still crying.

There is a time once or twice a month where you can pray at the alter while the choir sings, and the pastor and counselor and other volunteers will come and pray with you. Well, as God would provide, it was alter day. And I finally had the courage (desperation?) to go up there for the first time. Well, of course, I sobbed and sobbed and prayed and prayed.

And I heard a deep man's voice saying my name (at first I thought, "God?") and I looked up and the elderly man sitting behind me that I had tearfully shaken hands with during the Greeting was kneeling in front of me (and we wear name tags). He asked me my troubles and prayed with me.

When I looked up again, another man was there, the counselor (whom I met with that next Tuesday and got MUCH comfort from and some great Bible verses). So both of them had a hand on my and we were all praying. Then I looked up again and the pastor was touching me, also, and praying.

That is when I asked the Lord into my heart in earnest. And without Him in my life, I would not be where I am today. I seek His counsel when I know I am going to see my WH. I ask the Lord to be with me, to guide me, to use me to do His will. I pray before counseling. I try and pray before I do anything now, because I always want to be doing His will. It's hard to remember to do, because I have been so used to making my own decisions over the years. And look where that has gotten me! Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

So, look at the member numbers. When you get conflicting advice, I say follow the lower number. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will be praying for you as well. I pray for everyone and their pain on this site. It is such a great support, but there is also so much pain here. Sometimes it hurts my heart.

Read my thread here on Just Found Out, page 6, "Separated and he has emotionally divorced me" about what happened with WH last night, and let me know what you think! I am long winded, so just skip to page 6.

Love and hugs!

Amy

Oh yeah, I forgot I posted about my dream. I was talking about when he lingered last night at the house. But I am excited/confused about the dream, too.

It is just so weird, because my WH has said the same things to me! Except he is still on the "I haven't ever loved you, I was confused but now I am clear, you and I have only been friends for 15 years." But then he says he doesn't know what his feelings are.

But he has said that he doesn't think I could ever forgive him. That I should never forgive him. That there is no way to "fix" this, and that there is no way it could be right between us again.

It sounds like our H's were a lot alike in their beliefs and morals, because they seem to be acting very similarly as WH.

What do you think?

Amy

Yes it goes sound that way. I would really like some insite on what they are feeling during this time. I mean I have to wonder. We have a really nice house that my WH worked on for the last 7 years every summer, very hard. We have two kids, two dogs and a great life. I wonder how he feels being away from all of it other than "lost"? I mean I would die to be away from my son for a day never mind 3 or 4. I just don't get it. I guess it is because I birthed them, it must be different. My WH has lingered around before also like when he dropped off my son on Wed. he kind of hung around and talked about stuff for a few minutes. Not really sure what to think of it either. My best friend is the coldest person alive so I have no support here. Yesterday she said oh just get over it and move on. She is getting married for the first time in June. She has never been with anyone for 10 years. So this board is such a great relief to me. I love the help and support here. I wonder if it is safe to let them linger around the house like that?

NY,

Plan A is about presenting the marriage as an attractive alternative to the affair. As such...you do your best to fill what needs he will allow you to. If you can do that with a dinner....then by golly, you can just "happen" to have that magic lasagna wafting through the house on the days he stops by (or any other specialty). My husband definitely responds to food LOL. As long as you feel certain you can steer clear of R talks and LBs (especially crying, neediness, anger) while he is there...I think dinner would be just fine. It can't be command performance though. Don't invite him and then ambush him ya know??? ("Here honey have a nice piece of pie and watch me cry while you eat it") Let him invite himself, and then make it as pleasant of an experience as you can. I'm so sorry because I know what a hard time this is. Know you are not alone and that we are all keeping you in our prayers.

Star,

Thanks for the advice and help. I think I will make the magic dinner then. Anything to move things along. I never do the beg, plead, cry thing anyway. I gave that up when he came back before. I only cry when I am alone and it has been a while since I have done that. Those Anti-Ds do a wonder. I think I have some cooking up my sleeve for sat. nite. Thanks again. I am also praying for everyone here to stop the pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a big question for you gals. When WH first came back and we were trying to work stuff out we went over some things that you know I would have liked he would have liked. Well my big one was his chew breath and that he never wore colongne anymore. So after that he started wearing aftershave/cologne everyday. Well when he comes he is still wearing it even though he isn't seeing OW until weekends or really late at night. In fact you can tell he just put it on before he comes because it smells like he fell into the bottle. I about gagged last time. He gets it all over my sons jacket and hat and clothes by hugging and carrying him. My mom says he is wearing so I will still be interested in him. I don't know what to think of it. Why do you suppose he is still wearing the smell good? Any ideas on this one? Thanks.

Don't worry about dinner or no dinner so much. As long as you can not be needy or LB with him, it will be okay.

Where are you today? Making magic lasagna???

Miss you! Chat at me later when you can. I want all the details. I know we shouldn't obsess, but we only will for a little and then we'll move on.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Amy

Hi Amy,

Well he came and got the boy. He was smelling nice but looking terrible. Big black bags under his eyes, almost like they are there permanently though. I don't think he was at her house just from the way he came to the house. Anyway, I am making a ham with mashed potatoes and corn. That is his favorite meal and you can smell a ham cooking a mile away. He will be dropping off S at 6 tonight so it will be done by then and smelling even better. My daughter gave him a hug this morning again. No tears this time though. He doesn't look very happy for someone who has made the right decisions in his life. I think I kind of blew it though. I might have LBed big time. I printed a copy of true hearts letter and I put it in the bag for him to read. Uh oh. And oh well if I did. I am like you at my wits end with him. We are never getting a D. Unless he files and he isn't interested in one at this point. But I am seriously thinking about just trying to move on without him permanently. You know just move ahead. Look and see what is out there. I mean I did it once with XH. He was an alcoholic. I could do it again. No marriage this time though. I am done with that. Not really sure what I want. I wish I didn't love him so much, it would be easier. I will let you know how the dinner things goes. I am just going to say you can stay for dinner if you would like? The kids might like that. And if he says no, then I will say okay see you Wed. bye.

That sounds like an awesome plan.

My experience with my WH, he has no appreciation for love letters, educational materials, or anything else like that from me.

He is just getting to the point now, with me ONLY talking business with him when absolutely needed, where he wants to talk about very neutral conversations about nothing. But you have to start somewhere, right?

The way I have looked at only talking about business, is that the reason it is so hard to do that at first, is because you yourself are going through withdrawals from him. You miss conversation, support, love, etc.

He doesn't really miss that from you right now, because in the fog, he has convinced himself that you cannot fill any of his needs.

And what has gotten me through my weak moments (besides these boards and you great new friends) is my realization that if I expect him to go through the pains of withdrawals from OW to save our M, I need to be willing to do that as well to save our M. Am I making sense?

I swear, when you told me about the ham and corn and potatoes, my mouth started watering. I can smell your ham over here in Idaho! I don't think your WH has a chance of leaving without succumbing to your food, but keep me posted.

I am off for a night with the girlfriends. WH has the boys, and I am going to go dancing and laughing and being my best self.

If you are unsure about letters or what to say, post here and ask. Make a new topic, and call out one of the vets, and ask your specific question and ask for input. As time passes, these things will become very clear to you. But for now, use us!!!

Hugs and love, Amy

Oh yeah, my WH looks like crap, too. And I have thought the same thing - if you are so happy, why does it look like someone just shot your dog?

Crazy WHs! All of them!

Amy

Amy,

Go have a good night with the girls. If I had a sitter I would have a good night out also. I am going next weekend though. Have fun and do crazy stuff. I'll save some ham for you. My WH doesn't like the material I gave him before either. He would never say anything about it other than I was trying to make him feel something he didn't feel. And I said it didn't say anything about the way you feel, it talked about the way I feel. He didn't know what to say to that.

Amy - this is off subject, but one of our posters is in Idaho. He is BS too. Maybe you can help him out. He is such a great guy, and somehow I am the main one posting to him. He is starting to give up hope.

Hopeless - Yummy, sounds good. Just keep up your chin and keep cooking.

Another ham dish that is easy is you put the ham in a big kettle, add potatoes, onions, carrots and fresh green beans. It is absolutely delicious, and easy. My boys gobble it down and I take it to work sometimes. Men love it.